by B. B. Hamel
His knuckled turned white. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“Why not? Are you ashamed of me? You don’t seem very ashamed when you’re telling me how badly you want to take my virginity.” I didn’t know what I was thinking, teasing him like this, but I could tell this subject made him uncomfortable and I wanted to pay him back for all the time he spent making me squirm.
“You don’t understand. Calvin and the others, they don’t think I have emotions. They see me as some—” He stopped, tensing his jaw.
“They see you as a monster,” I supplied gently.
“Something like that, and you know they’re not wrong.”
“Which means you can’t change their minds by being nice to me?”
“It would ruin the illusion, and besides, we don’t want to get paired together. The stakes are too high.”
“Okay then. So I won’t come.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
I threw up my hands in frustration. “Just speak plainly, okay? What do you want?”
“Come to the party.” He glanced over. “But not as my date.”
“Then what am I?”
He was silent and I let the question linger.
There wasn’t an answer. I knew it was much as he did, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
On the one hand, of course we weren’t together.
We were twisted up into a tangled, sick, fucked-up web of murder, sex, and deception—but we weren’t dating.
And on the other, some part of me wanted that.
Jarrod wasn’t so bad when he let his guard down.
When he wasn’t trying so hard to live up to everyone’s idea of him.
Since we started this, I caught glimpses of something underneath all that rage—someone caring and honest and brave. I respected that man and wanted more of him.
I also craved the way he made me feel.
But still, I couldn’t ask him to be my boyfriend. That felt so—
Childish and cheap.
What we did transcended labels.
We were bound together, whether or not we had a relationship.
After we finally fulfilled the deal and he took my body, he’d always be in my life, even if he wasn’t around anymore.
He marked me forever, just as I marked him.
So why did I still want these stupid, childish things?
“You’re my tutor,” he said softly after a long time. “You’re my freak and my baby girl. Your virginity is mine. You’re my toy. I want you so badly it feels like my blood’s going to tear through my cock. I want you on your knees, sucking me off, moaning as you do it. I want you riding me, coming over and over again. I want to see you sweat and work and I want to leave bruises all over your skin. I want to brand you, Cora. I want to own you. So what are we? I don’t fucking know, and I don’t really care.”
I leaned my head back against the seat and smiled. “All right then. I’ll see you at Addler’s place.”
He nodded once. “Good. Don’t tell Calvin anything.”
“I won’t.”
“He’s going to interrogate you.”
“He already warned me to stay away. How much worse can it be?”
But he only laughed and dropped me off back home.
I went inside with a sinking feeling in my gut. My dad was in the kitchen as I grabbed something to drink. He stared at me, eyes narrowed.
“Jarrod Hale?” he asked as I was about to leave and head upstairs.
I stopped in my tracks and looked back at him. “Yes? What about him?”
“The football player Jarrod Hale. The big guy.”
“Yes, Dad. That’s Jarrod Hale.”
“What are you doing spending time with him?”
Sam must’ve ratted me out. Bastard. That or maybe they saw me get in his truck or leave it.
“Who I spend time with is none of your business.”
“So long as you live in my house—”
“Then maybe I should leave if you’re going to treat me like a child. Grow up, Dad.” I walked away before he could fume at me, which I knew he wanted to.
I collapsed onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling.
What was I to Jarrod?
Fuck toy, co-conspirator, murderer, secret.
Everything and nothing at all.
I smiled and closed my eyes.
18
Cora
Addler’s place was packed.
Robyn killed the engine and peered across my seat. “Are you sure about this? Jarrod seemed like he was in a terrible mood earlier.” She was dressed up, makeup on point, hair looking gorgeous, and I was actually jealous. Robyn was beautiful and sometimes made me feel dull in comparison.
“What else were you going to do tonight?”
“There’s this new movie—”
I cut her off, shaking my head. God, Jarrod was right, I am incredibly lame. “No, no, no. No movies. We’re young and in college. We’re going to a party.”
“But it’s a party at Addler’s. With my stupid cousin.”
“He’ll be on his best behavior.”
She sighed and opened the door. “Easy for you to say,” she grumbled, but began the trek past the groups of drunk guys and girls drinking from red cups.
I followed her, smiling to myself. If only she knew.
This time when I entered, I noticed the eyes right away. People looked at me, people that never would’ve glanced twice in my direction before. Robyn noticed the staring too and glowered at everyone like they were playing some kind of practical joke.
“Why’s everyone keep looking at you?” She made a face at a couple of young guys that were ogling me from over near the kitchen. “It’s kind of creepy.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I slipped my hand through her arm. “Oh, look, a keg.”
She sighed audibly but let me tug her over. We got cups and filled them with foamy beer, then retreated into a corner to drink and watch the crowd.
College parties were strange. Half the people were on their phones the whole time, either texting, posting, or taking pictures and videos. It was like they experienced being out through the medium of Instagram or whatever, like everything was filtered through social media. Then there was everyone else, awkwardly milling around, making small talk, drinking too much, laughing too loud.
Addler’s house was nice. I didn’t understand how he got away with these ragers—a guy with one of those stupid burly hemp stoner poncho things was sloppily making out with a picture of his mom—but I figured the rich and powerful existed in a different world. If I ever tried to have a party like this at my normal, middle-class house, my parents would slit my throat and make sure I never left my room ever again.
Which was strange, considering I was an adult, but they didn’t treat me like one.
“Why do you look go glum? Ready to leave?” Robyn waggled her eyebrows and sipped the beer. “We can still make the next showing of—”
I waved her off. “Just thinking about moving out of my parents’ house.”
“Can’t blame you there. I think about the same thing every day, but unfortunately that would cost money, which I don’t have.”
“We should get a job.”
“We could start an OnlyFans.” She looked around. “Plenty of girls here could probably show us the ropes.”
I groaned and nudged her with my elbow. “Don’t kink shame. Or cam shame? Whatever.”
“I’m being completely serious. Based on the number of weird stares we’re getting right now, I think we’d make a killing.”
She was right, there were a lot of people watching us, and I wished they’d stop. The rumors about me and Jarrod must’ve gone around the school at least a thousand times by now. I was his tutor and nothing more—except his partner in a murder—and yet any girl with proximity to him was instantly lumped in with all his other conquests.
I’d have to talk to him about that.
A strange hush fe
ll over the crowd as the man himself came into the room. Jarrod looked around, glaring at everyone like he was looking for violence, until he spotted me and Robyn. He came over, sauntering like a lord in his castle, and loomed over the pair of us with a strange half-smile.
“You came, freak.”
“You invited me.” I raised my cup and drank some of the cheap beer down. I didn’t particularly like it, but it was better than nothing, and it took some of the edge off.
“And you brought my cousin.” He glanced at Robyn. “I didn’t realize they let anyone in here.”
“Nice to see you too,” she muttered.
I expected him to give her more shit, but instead he only looked at me with that piercing stare. “Let’s go for a walk.”
I hesitated then shook my head. “I shouldn’t leave Robyn.”
“Don’t stay on my account.” She stood up on her toes, looking across the room. “There’s a beer pong game going strong. I’ll manage by myself for a while.”
Jarrod never stopped looking at me. I felt a strange, cold chill, as I squeezed Robyn’s arm. “Are you sure?”
“Go ahead, talk about math or whatever the heck you two are doing.” She grinned and winked at me, then raised her eyebrows at her cousin. “Just don’t be a dick to her, okay?”
“Can’t make promises.” His eyes never left my face.
“I’ll be back in a bit.” I left her and followed Jarrod through the heavy crowd and into the relative quiet of the back yard.
Two drunk girls in their underwear lounged on inflatable rafts with red cups perched on their boobs. Guys took turns trying to toss ping pong balls into the cups and the girls screamed with delight. Lots of jokes about getting testicles in their faces and such. Jarrod ignored the group and went deeper toward the lush grass.
He stood staring up at the moon with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Glad you came,” he said softly.
“Everyone was staring at me in there.”
“There are rumors.” He grimaced and gave me an apologetic look. “There are always fucking rumors when it comes to me.”
“Yeah, I sort of figured that. What’s it feel like to be one of the most popular people at school?”
He grunted and looked back at the sky. “I never wanted any of this. Addler’s the one that craves attention.”
“Even still, you guys are like the kings of Blackwoods.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. His lips tugged down into a deep frown and I saw the worry lines along his eyes. He did seem different than I remembered—in my memory, he was a raging hot fire, a flame that wanted to only consume and consume and consume. He started fights for pleasure and stalked around the campus like an animal hunting his prey.
But ever since we started our strange little dance, he seemed more collected, like he’d been able to quiet the voices that pushed him into ever deeper depths of despair and violence and pain.
“You know where I come from,” he said finally, speaking nearly at a whisper. I moved closer so I could hear. “I spent half my life in a trailer park. Lived in a shitty little closet of a room until I was ten listening to my parents fight, fuck, and get high. I learned to take care of myself back then, and when my dad cracked his truck with my mom in the passenger seat passed out from whatever she’d snorted or injected and they both died, I felt happy for the first time in years.”
I sucked in a breath. I didn’t get along with my parents and resented them, but I couldn’t imagine being happy about their deaths. But then again, my mom and dad weren’t addicts and they didn’t raise me in abject poverty.
“Did you hate them?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I loved my parents. My dad took me to baseball games and my mom would sit up at night and play with my action figures, at least when she wasn’t too high to function. Only I knew that they were dangerous and they couldn’t take care of me the right way. I saw it whenever I went to school and noticed that I was different from the other kids.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had it so hard back then.”
“I don’t talk about it. I came to live with Uncle Bernard and I tried to put all that behind, but the past doesn’t go away, and it doesn’t change. That’s what’s so terrible about it, right?”
I move closer and slipped my hand through his arm. “I know what you mean. I feel stuck in that stupid chiropractor’s office sometimes, and I know it’ll never go away.”
“Fades though. New traumas come to replace it.”
“Happy things too.”
He grunted but didn’t smile. “Yeah, sometimes.”
“Why are you such a bastard to Robyn?”
He stiffened and I expected him to pull away, but he didn’t. “She’s got it hard too, you know. Uncle Bernard’s got a temper.”
I squeezed his hand. “She doesn’t talk about it, but I’ve noticed things.”
“I try to take the brunt of his anger. It was easy after a while, you know? I was the trailer park trash asshole kid that came to live with them after my junkie parents died. Whenever he got mad and looked like he’d go in on Robyn, I could redirect his rage to me. And shit, I can still do it, only I’m a lot bigger than I used to be.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. “You went from one bad home to another.”
“A different kind of bad in both places. My parents loved me, even if they were lost in their addictions. They never hurt me, not on purpose. They couldn’t provide much and sometimes forgot about me for days on end, but they loved me. Uncle Bernard and Aunt Genni, they treat me like a burden, and their daughter like a sin.”
“She doesn’t talk about it.”
“She wouldn’t. Robyn keeps all that inside.” He shook his head. “It’s her story though. I shouldn’t say more.”
“That still didn’t answer my question. Why be such a bastard to her in public?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted, facing me then. He put a hand on my cheek and I shivered. The guys near the pool screamed with excitement over something—I couldn’t tell what. “Frustration, I think. The same reason I’m a bastard to everyone. The same reason I get in fights and the same reason I killed that pedo. I have a fire in me and I don’t know how to quench it.”
“You’ve been better lately. At least I think so.”
He tilted his head. “Maybe that’s true.” His finger grazed my lips. “What do you think about that, freak? Why do you think I’ve been better?”
“You’re spending time with good role models.”
“If that’s what you think you are, then you’ve got a fucked-up idea of what we’re doing.”
I smiled a little and when his thumb came back to my mouth, I bit it gently. His face twisted into a mask of desire and need, but he held himself in check.
“I know what we’re doing. You’re having your fun with me. You’re getting your money’s worth. But when’s it going to be enough?”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get enough of you, baby girl.”
He pressed his lips to mine. It was a soft kiss, gentle, probing. I was intensely aware of the people nearby. They’d see this and spread the story—dorky little Cora kissing popular athletic Jarrod—and I’d never be able to walk on campus without eyes tracking me again.
I didn’t care. As soon as I tasted him, nothing else mattered.
That was the problem. I was a rational person. I knew when enough was enough and I never let myself go too far in anything. I was restrained and careful, and the only fantasy I ever indulged in was the murder of Dr. Silver. Without that, I was unmoored and adrift.
Jarrod brought me back to earth. He centered me, gave me purpose. I didn’t know what that purpose was exactly—being his toy? His doll?—but I wasn’t sure it mattered.
Being with him was a dream. It was like being drunk, but all the time.
Dizzy and stupid.
One massive, dangerous mistake.
We broke apart and his hand lingered on my cheek. “Y
ou know I don’t care if they’re watching, right?” His eyes never left mine.
But I glanced toward the pool. The two girls that had been on the rafts were toweling off and both were staring and whispering to each other.
The whole party would know in the next few minutes.
“Aren’t you worried about what your friends will say?”
“I know what they’ll say. Addler will be all concerned but happy. Des will ask if I’ve fucked you yet. Calvin will glower and say I’m making a mistake.”
“Why does that guy hate me so much?”
“Calvin has his reasons.” He kissed my neck, then my cheek. “If you stay tonight, I’m going to devour you.” He whispered in my ear, his breath hot and fuzzy. I felt my mind go blank with desire.
“What if I don’t let you?”
“We both know you’re not capable of that, freak.”
“You shouldn’t assume.”
“Oh, my baby girl, I don’t need to make assumptions. I know what you feel like. I know your taste. If I wanted you right here and now, you’d let me have you, from your lips to that perfect, soaking wet slit between your legs.”
“Are you sending me away then? Or are you going to fuck me out here in the grass?”
His eyes looked strained, like he couldn’t believe I’d said that. “Take Robyn home. Make sure she’s not too drunk. I don’t want her parents blaming me for her stupid decision.”
“She wants to go to the movies.”
He smiled and thumbed my lower lip. “Sounds more your speed.”
“What about you? You’re not going to get in trouble, are you?”
“Not tonight.” He looked away, back to the house. “I was thinking about coming with you.”
I let out an involuntary laugh. “Seriously?”
“I haven’t been to the movies in a while and Robyn’s got good taste.”
“Okay, this is too much. We can murder a guy, sure, whatever, but you’re going to come see a movie with us? I’ve officially lost my mind.”
“Don’t make me regret this.”
“No, never, of course not.” I pushed his chest gently. “You have to be nice to her.”