Notes in Love

by Hetherington, Megan

  He obviously thinks the gang have bigger things to worry about than a stolen motorcycle and a children’s home runaway. And I can understand why Colt would feel that way. But Bear is vindictive and will not let anyone get the upper hand. Especially with someone who knows all about what they’re involved in. And that’s why Bear made sure I was entwined in their sordid lives.

  “A stolen motorcycle is only the tip. Bear has more on me than that.”

  “What do you mean?” he asks.

  There is more to every story than first hinted at and mine is deeper than that. Colt needs to know what—who—he is dealing with. “Murder.”

  “You killed someone?”

  I hang my head in shame.

  “Who?” he fires out.

  “I didn’t kill them, but I might as well have done.”

  “Who then?”

  “My friend, May.”

  He shakes his head. “Go on.”

  “Bear eventually allowed me to help her give up heroin, but only on the proviso I gave all of myself to him. Whenever—however—he wanted.” My voice is barely audible. It makes me feel sick to have to reveal this to Colt. For him to see who I really am. “He knew bringing May into the equation would open me up to his depravity. Make me go willingly into the depths of hell with him.” My body shivers with the hazy memories of what he did to me.

  “But he didn’t keep his side of the bargain.” Colt says in a matter of fact tone.

  I huff with agreement at how stupid I was to believe Bear at that point. It was the last opportunity for me to get out of the situation, before he had a complete hold on every sense of me.

  “Exactly. For every spoonful of hope soup I gave her, Bear gave her a vial of despair. She died from an overdose of heroin.”

  His eyelids shut on the inevitability of my revelation. I was stupid back then to think Bear would do anything other. He wallowed in the win. Because that’s what he saw it as, a win for him and a defeat for me. Knowing that any fight I had would wash away with the grief of May’s passing and leave me entirely at his whim.

  I pause while the emptiness I felt for so long creeps back in.

  “Bear moved quickly after that. Removing any sense of freedom, I became only his… slave. There was nothing of the real me left. No hope. No self-esteem. I hated myself more than he ever could. I wanted him to hurt me. To be bad to me. Because that is what I deserved.”

  Colt props his chin in his hands and looks into the distance.

  “Bear took on other partners. He forced me to…” I can’t even say it. “None of them lasted. And I never knew what happened to them. One day they were there, and the next gone.”

  He tilts his head up to me and lets his fingers drag across his skin. “You’re saying he killed them too?”

  I sigh heavily with a shrug. “I’m not sure. I think some were maybe given to some guys that used to turn up every once in a while. But the others… At the time, he never gave me a chance to think straight. I lived on a knife edge every minute of every day. So, I don’t know if he made it look that way to scare me, or if that’s what he really did.”

  “And now? Do you think he killed them?”

  I nod.

  There’s a sadness in his eyes I find difficult to deal with. “You didn’t kill those girls, Lacey.” Colt straightens. “He did.”

  My shoulders slump and my face softens, because while it is nice of Colt to reassure me, it is immaterial to the position we are in now.

  “At first I waited for an opportunity to escape. I remember waking each morning with the brief notion that this would be the day. But every day soon turned against that hope.”

  “But you didn’t give up. You eventually escaped.”

  I nod. “Yeah. I took my chance when an opportunity too good to miss came around. A huge party, and a lot of distractions. Bear passed out before he locked me in. I slipped away on his motorcycle.” I shake my head at my audacity. I’d only ever ridden on the back of his motorcycle. I watched a lot of what went on at the garage they ran, but it was only his bike that was familiar to me. How the gears worked. How much throttle to give it. It was heavy and hard to steer, but adrenaline got me through.

  I can tell Colt doesn’t know what to make of everything that has happened and what he is learning about me.

  He hasn’t walked off.

  He hasn’t pulled me into an embrace.

  He’s hardly said a word.

  “So, I still don’t understand why you left here… Lacey?” He stumbles on my name.

  “To protect you.”

  He stiffens. “To protect me?” His voice rises in volume for the first time in this whole conversation. “I don’t need protecting from anything. I told you if he comes to Gunner Ridge, I’ll make sure Perrins doesn’t tell him shit. He’ll give him his motorcycle and send him on his way. And if he doesn’t leave, then I’ll make him. I do not need protection.”

  I know he’s stuck his heels in on this. Convinced he could stand up to Bear. And nothing I say will change his opinion on that. So, I think of a different tack.

  “Not even from love?”

  “What do you mean?”

  I falter. “Me having to tell you all this will destroy what we have, anyway. I wanted… was hoping… if I left you would move on and my past would not destroy the memories of what we had.”

  His stare is hard and reveals little. I’ve overstepped the mark. Again.

  He rubs his hands up and down his face and for a moment I don’t think he will answer me.

  “So, are you telling me you left because I love you?”

  I press my lips together while the words settle in my throat.

  “No, Colt. I left because I love you.”

  “That makes no sense. If I love you and you love me, we need to stand together.”

  He didn’t say that in a past tense. “You still love me? Even after what I’ve told you?”

  “Yes,” he fires out.

  My heart drops into my stomach.

  “Why?”

  “Because loving someone is not about their past mistakes, it’s how they are when they are with you. The person they are now. And you are beautiful.”

  I tear up. I don’t want him to love me. I want him to hate me. Because although I’ve told him some of what I’ve been through, I haven’t revealed how I felt. How it damaged me. The things I saw, that I can never unsee, that have shaped my view on the world and the people in it. The pain I suffered that has scarred me deep, way beyond those marks on my skin. And for that reason, I can never be beautiful.

  “I thought if I left, you would stand a chance of getting over me because I don’t deserve your love, Colt.”

  “I don’t agree. Nothing that you’ve just told me makes me love you any less.”

  I tense the muscles in my forehead and shake my head because I don’t understand how he can say that. I will bring trouble to him and his family, to everyone on this ranch and in this town. I love him too much to do that to him.

  “But don’t you see this is what you need, what we both need. To be there for each other, against everyone else.”

  I stare at him, searching his eyes. His tone isn’t desperate, and his words aren’t rushed. It’s what he truly believes, and I have no idea how a man can be so forgiving.

  “I will show you, Lacey, what it’s like to be loved. For you to trust someone who only wants the best for you. Who will protect your heart and worship your body with equal measure.”

  He leans across and pulls me with a strong arm onto his chest. “I love you. Can’t you see?” he whispers on the crown of my head.

  And with each passing second when I don’t answer, his embrace deepens, squeezing my heart with his strong arms.

  I feel his love.

  He shows his love in ways I know are true.

  But… my emotions have been repeatedly beaten back into a tiny cage, locked with a key, long since tossed away. And the cloak of uncertainty has wrapped around me over the last f
ew days. And I can’t shrug it off. The thought of seeing Bear again is inevitable and the anxiety it causes is paralyzing.

  So whatever conversation there is to be had about love, now is not the time.

  “Tomorrow we need to tell the police everything.”

  I sigh, because there is no point in arguing. Whatever I tell Colt won’t be enough.

  I know what I now need to do to save Colt and those he should really love.

  Silently, he leads me away from the star-studded sky and to my bedroom. And with a room full of shadows and hidden meanings, I say my final goodbye with light kisses and feathered touches. Worshipping his body for the last time.

  Twenty Two

  Lacey

  This reception room is colder than the other rooms at the Corrigan Ranch. It faces north and I’ve never known it to be used. The cool and sophisticated decor has me perching on the edge of a firmly stuffed chair. My spine is stiff and my hands are clasped together on my knees. Colt paces in front of the window, waiting for Police Officer Carson Perrins to turn up from Gunner Ridge. The formal strain of the situation reminds me of scenes from Notes in Love.

  I’m not sure what Colt is anxious about, I’m the one about to reveal how tainted I really am. And I’m calm. But I guess that’s because I know this is a means to an end. And it became clear yesterday what that end would look like.

  Eventually, Josie lets the police officer in and asks if we’d like coffee. I spot Blue behind her in the entranceway, his face like thunder. I hate that I’ve made him that way. He’s been as welcoming as everyone else here, but with an underlying uncertainty. And I’ve proved him right, I guess.

  Maybe, if everyone had listened to Blue earlier, I would be long gone and not about to make the only man I’ve ever loved, hate me. And throw the love and loyalty he has shown me right back in his face.

  Slowly, I blink, brushing aside the anxiety seeking to take over my thoughts. I have a goal, an aim, I can’t let anything cloud my mind.

  The police officer breezes in. He has a presence, like most men in these parts. Efficient. Upright. True. I’m positive whatever I say to him today will be taken in good faith and acted on with every moral code in check.

  He tips his hat and sits on a chair opposite mine. Up close, he’s not as old as I first thought. Late twenties, maybe. That makes this harder. I swallow.

  “Alrighty, before we get started on this, you need to know that whatever you say is said in confidence. I’m here to listen to your side of the story so I can make a considered judgment on what to do next. That might be nothing, or it might be something more… formal.”

  Colt comes and perches on the arm of my chair. “There’s a good lawyer in town if we need him. Austin Barclay.”

  The cop smiles. “Yeah, hopefully we won’t need him just yet.”

  I notice how he says we, and I like that, it makes it sound as if he is on my side already.

  Colt places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. I smile sweetly back to him while inside my heart aches for what I’m about to do.

  Josie knocks on the door and brings a tray of coffee in, setting it on a low table between us all and smiling warmly at me before disappearing.

  “Okay, Carson, let’s get on with this,” Colt says.

  The cop takes his time. He sets his hat on the table, picks up a cup and takes a large gulp, then takes a small notebook with a pencil strapped to it from his shirt pocket.

  “Okay, miss, tell me all about it.”

  “Where do you want me to start?”

  “At the beginning.”

  I tell him about my childhood. My parents slide into drug abuse and how I came to be in a children’s home. About May. And how we got involved with the motorcycle gang as troubled teenagers.

  Eventually he raises his hand. “Sorry, you or Colt here, have not told me their name. What do these thugs call themselves?” His pencil is poised to take note.

  I pause, hesitant to reveal the gang’s name. They’re notorious and probably on all kinds of watch lists and even in this biker-less place, they will have surely heard of them. “The Dark Angels.”

  Colt blurts out a huff.

  Police Officer Perrins breaks the nib on his pencil and looks up at me. “Sorry, could you say that again?”

  “The Dark Angels.”

  Perrins blows out a breath and sinks into the chair.

  Colt stands and stalks across the room. “Fuck, Lacey. Why didn’t you say anything before?” His face is black with worry.

  I shake my head, trying to say something but I can’t. There’s a big ugly hand wrapped around my throat. The realization that the Dark Angels really are as notorious as I thought.

  “Okay.” Perrins moves forward on his chair and puts his notebook and broken pencil onto the table. “That puts a different perspective on this. We’re gonna need help here. Some serious help.” He looks up at Colt with wide eyes.

  Colt nods in agreement.

  “Do you wanna get Austin lined up?”

  “Sure.” Colt bends down and kisses me softly, whispering. “It will be okay. I’ve got you.”

  I smile at him and he leaves the room to call the town lawyer.

  “How do you think this will play out?” Perrins asks me with concern.

  I roll my lips. “Honestly, I think they will show up in force. Take what they want. Destroy whatever they don’t.”

  He nods, which is surprising but reassuring. “I have no experience of motorcycle gangs, but I’ve seen the state bulletins. And I’m not about to underestimate them. Even though the Dark Angels will not commit a crime until they arrive in Gunner Ridge, the state police will want to get involved and this will get heavy for a while. I’ll get in touch with the Sheriff’s office.”

  I know all this. And although I have no idea how this will all work out, I expect it to be tough. But it will be nothing compared to how this will all end. For me, anyhow. For everyone else involved, it will be a relief. I hope.

  A part of me wishes I hadn’t revealed that it was one of the biggest motorcycle outlaw gangs in California. That way, any policing effort may have been restricted to Police Officer Perrins and whoever is on his team. At the end of the day, this is only about someone coming to claim a stolen motorcycle. But I couldn’t risk that. They need to take this seriously.

  Colt comes back in the room and nods. “Austin’s on his way.”

  Perrins stands, stuffing his uniform shirt into his pants. “We’ll take a break and reconvene when Barclay gets here.”

  He grabs his hat and walks out to the porch where he settles in a chair and makes a phone call to the Sheriff’s office.

  Colt pulls me into his arms and holds me tight. It feels nice, too nice. And it’s the last thing I need right now. I’m itching to get on with a plan, one that will see everyone in this ranch safe.

  Austin Barclay, the town lawyer, pulls up moments later in an expensive looking Cadillac. He’s suited and suave and his expensive aftershave fills the room.

  Now there’re three men in a room where the air hangs heavy with the brutal story I’m about to reveal.

  This is tough. But the stakes are high enough for me to push through this.

  Austin makes a brief introduction, an attempt to reassure me he is experienced, a long-standing friend of the Corrigans, and someone to be trusted. Here to make sure I don’t get sucked in to the wrong side of this debacle, and seen as a victim and not a perpetrator. I don’t take any of it in. He’s here because they want him here, not because I do. He asks more questions than the police officer has. And in places I wonder how he knows to ask what he does. Human trafficking. Drugs. Arms. Money laundering. The list is endless, but out of all my information it’s the personal story that they say will stick. Because that’s why I’m here, telling this tale.

  The plan Police Officer Perrins agreed with the county sheriff is to let the Dark Angels come for the motorbike and hang me out as bait. They’re sure Bear will do his checks because he hasn’t ou
trun the law for as long as he has by trusting what anyone says, and he will find that Police Officer Perrins is telling the truth—there’s a girl at the Corrigan Ranch who arrived at the same time as the bike was stolen. Bear will be confident the only authority to be involved in anything as routine as a stolen vehicle is the local Gunner Ridge police officer. Bear will be confident that he can come with a few of the Dark Angels Sacramento Chapter and take back what he thinks is his. The motorcycle and me.

  When they come to kidnap me, the Sheriff plans to shut them down and charge them with attempted kidnap, and slavery. They will be held with no bail, during which time the state police can raid all their premises and hideouts. I’ve given them enough information for them to follow up on and come up with more charges.

  But it all hangs on me.

  So, I run through the details again of my introduction into the gang, the girls I saw come and go, and what happened to May.

  We’ve been at it for hours, and there’s probably still more I can tell.

  I link my fingers together and stare at the tattoo on my wrist.

  Austin Barclay pauses. “Is there anyone else who can help to corroborate your story, that you were even there in the first place and imprisoned?”

  I pull my gaze away from the tattoo.

  “There was one girl.”

  Twenty Three

  Lacey

  Escape from the Dark Angels.

  The view through the bars is less frightening. That’s why I willingly crawl in here every night. The first few weeks I fought with ragged fingernails and screamed like a banshee when Bear locked me in this cage. But eventually it became somewhere I would willingly retreat to because he doesn’t bother me when I’m in here. It’s locked every night but actually he could give me the key and I’d lock the door for him.

  Bear kicks the bedroom door shut, the room quietens somewhat, and I focus on the muffled lyrics of Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs”, letting the words hammer into my brain and drown Bear’s voice out.

  He slams an almost empty bottle of Wild Turkey onto the nightstand and grabs a fistful of ash-blonde hair, pulling the pretty girl he’s seduced tonight onto his lips. I can almost smell his whiskey laden breath and feel how rough his scraggly beard feels against her lips. He pulls back, and she squeals, thrusting her hand to her bruised and bleeding lip. She laughs. Stupid girl. She thinks this is a game. She’ll know soon enough.