Watching Their Steps

by Alana Terry

  “What’s the bad news, then?”

  She slowed her pace. “Well, I feel like in some ways I need to have the same conversation with you. I mean, I’m thrilled you’re here, but before I go anywhere, before I make any big decisions about our relationship, I need time to think through it all.”

  He let out a little laugh. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, it’s weird for me too, you know. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was so excited last night I only slept for two hours, but on the other hand, it’s like we’ve been living totally separate lives these past four years. We’re different people, whether we want to admit it or not. And well, as stoked as I am to imagine what God might have in store for us, I think it’s good to slow down a little. Give ourselves time to think things through. Pray about it. Make sure we’re doing the right things for the right reasons, you know?”

  She nodded, taken slightly aback. She had expected this conversation to be harder.

  “So Anchorage, huh?” he said after a minute. “What will you be doing once you’re there?”

  “I don’t even know what I want to do anymore.”

  “You ever think of going back to school?”

  “Maybe, but I’d have to start over at the beginning. All of my credits are under my old name ...” Her voice trailed off, and neither of them said anything. She wondered if he was thinking the same thing she was. She could go back to Lacy. There was always that option. Transfer her old credits to UAA, enroll in ...

  No, she was moving to Anchorage so she had time to think. She couldn’t get ahead of herself.

  They reached the end of the sidewalk and turned around automatically. Raphael glanced at the time on his phone. “It’s a little past eleven. Is that too early for lunch?”

  “Actually, I’m leaving today. I guess that’s the rest of the bad news.” Had she told him that part yet? “It’s not because of you or anything, I just ...”

  “I know. You’re itching to be alone and make sense of everything. And when I’m around that just confuses the matter.”

  “That’s not what I ...”

  “I’m just teasing.” He nudged her playfully. “Well, I got to get to Anchorage, too. Care to drive with me?”

  “Nah, I’m taking my car. I’m selling it for my seed money.”

  “Not a bad idea.” He sighed. “Does that mean no lunch?”

  She could hear the disappointment in his tone. “Well, what if we make a date in Anchorage?” she asked. “Dinner tonight?”

  A grin spread across his face. “Deal. I’m buying.”

  She grinned, too. “Good, because I’m officially broke.”

  “Hey, do you want me to ...” He stopped on the sidewalk and fidgeted in his pocket. “We could find an ATM and I could let you have ...”

  She shook her head. “No. This move, getting away from here, everything, I’ve got to do this on my own.” How could she explain it to him? How could she explain how she could never really find out if she was Jo or Lacy or some other stranger she hadn’t even met yet until she went through this alone? “But thanks.” She let her hand rest on his shoulder for a moment. Their eyes locked.

  He gave her a smile. “You got this, Lace.”

  Deep in her heart, she knew he was right.

  Chapter 10

  SHE SAID GOOD-BYE TO Raphael when they reached the hotel again. It was easier knowing she would see him in Anchorage at the end of the day. Maybe the drive would give her time to think through things a little more. Maybe by dinner, she’d have formed some kind of plan for the next few weeks. Tonight they would meet in Anchorage as free adults. The thought made her almost giddy as she crossed the street to Puck’s grocery store. She had about a hundred dollars left in her bank account. In a week, she’d get her last paycheck from the daycare. Money might be tight in Anchorage, but it wasn’t as though she had made it big wiping snotty noses on the playground, either.

  She was on the road fifteen minutes later, speeding out of Glennallen, heading for a new life. Her enthusiasm was short-lived, however. She had just passed the native church in Mendeltna when her change oil light flickered. Her car sputtered and lost speed. She pushed down again on the accelerator, but the engine ground in protest.

  Flipping on her emergency lights, she eased over onto the side of the road. Thankfully, nobody was behind her. She tried to pick up speed, but the engine shuddered once more and then died. So much for that idea. For the faintest moment, she wondered if Drisklay had sabotaged her car. He was so convinced she needed to stay in the program. Maybe he got kickbacks based on how many protectees he kept corralled in their rightful places.

  She flipped on her cell phone. Coverage was spotty from here most of the way to Anchorage. She got a faint signal and spent another two or three minutes deciding who to call. She gave one final attempt to turn the engine over. It coughed faintly before grinding again.

  Nothing.

  She had to go back. For a minute, she thought about walking all the way to Glennallen, but that was ridiculous. It would take her half the day, and the bugs were atrocious. She needed to call for a ride.

  Call who? Kurtis? Raphael?

  She looked at both men’s names in her cell phone, testing each one out in her mind. Kurtis would drop everything, bring Madeline with him, and probably find a way to tow her car back to Glennallen. He’d spend the rest of his day off fixing it in his garage. Could she expect him to do that after the way she’d treated him?

  She could ask Raphael to pick her up. It would give them more time to talk, but the most he could do would be to drive her back to Glennallen, where she’d probably end up needing Kurtis to help get her car anyway.

  She sighed. Was this fate? God’s way of keeping her humble right when she thought she was figuring out how to live once more? She thought again of Drisklay and pictured how smug he would look if he saw her here stranded on the side of the road.

  She had hesitated long enough. She pulled Kurtis’s number up on her cell phone and bit her lip, fighting to keep from hanging up before he answered.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s me. I hate to do this to you, but I had some car trouble outside of Mendeltna. Can you come get me?”

  Silence. What was he thinking?

  “The oil?”

  “Yeah.” Why hadn’t she listened to him? He had been harping about that change oil light since spring.

  A sigh. “All right. The munchkin’s in the bath right now. It’ll be a few minutes.”

  “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” A week ago, they probably would have both laughed.

  More silence. For a minute, she wondered if he would ask her why she hadn’t called Raphael.

  “I’m sorry,” she added.

  “It’s not a problem. Give me half an hour to dry her off and get to you.”

  “Thanks,” she added, but he had already hung up.

  Chapter 11

  GETTING STRANDED ON a stretch of the Glenn Highway as scenic as Mendeltna might not have been quite so terrible if she had thought to bring bug spray with her. She locked herself in the car and killed three mosquitoes before the buzzing finally stopped. At least it wasn’t too hot. Half an hour. It wasn’t a big deal. It’s not like she had anywhere to rush to in Anchorage. She didn’t even know where she’d be spending the night. She should take advantage of the time to finish off some business. Like telling the daycare she was leaving. And asking Kim if her sister knew of anybody in town who needed a nanny or house-sitter or roommate. But she was too mentally exhausted. She thought about her conversation with Raphael, how he said he had hardly slept more than a few hours last night. He was so excited. Sometimes she wondered why she wasn’t more so. Was it the religion thing? Raphael had always been a decent person, but it was strange to hear all those churchy things coming out of his mouth. He sounded like her foster dad.

  She had been thinking of Carl and Sandy more and more since Rap
hael showed up. She wouldn’t be surprised if that was where her future would eventually take her. She had never really considered Anchorage the final destination, more like a time-out of sorts, a chance to rest and revive and take inventory on what she wanted out of life.

  What she really wanted was her identity back, but even if that was safe, she wasn’t sure how it would work. Would she just go to Drisklay and demand her old birth certificate and photo ID? What kind of paperwork would be involved in something like that? Would it be as formal as when she joined the witness protection program and became Jo in the first place? What if Drisklay wouldn’t cooperate? What if he was so offended she didn’t stick it out in his program that he refused to give her the right papers back, refused to let her resume her old identity?

  As long as she was living the life she wanted, did it really matter? Why couldn’t she do what Raphael had done, go back home but keep living under her new name? Well, she would have time to figure all that out in Anchorage. Right now, she just needed to wait, needed to sit tight until Kurtis got here.

  Why did it have to be him? Maybe because he was the only person she knew very well in Glennallen, her only real friend. If he was even that anymore. There was so much she had to think about, so much to mull over.

  A car pulled up behind her, and she turned the emergency lights off. That was one nice thing about this part of the country. Roadside assistance didn’t come from insurance companies. It came from good Samaritans. She rolled down her window to wave the stranger past but stopped when she saw who it was.

  “What are you doing here?” She stepped out of the car.

  Raphael was smiling his mischievous grin. “What are you doing here?”

  “Car trouble,” she admitted.

  “Can I help?”

  “Not unless you’ve gotten handier with mechanics than you were four years ago.”

  They both chuckled. It felt good to laugh.

  “But really,” she said, “what are you doing here?”

  He shrugged. “I figured I’d hit the road. There wasn’t much to do in Glennallen but sit around and watch the maids clean the rooms. I left not long after you did. Good thing, too, I guess.” He glanced at her car. “Do you know what’s wrong?”

  “I have someone coming over to take a look.” She didn’t want to admit the whole thing had been her fault. Why hadn’t she let Kurtis take a look at the oil when he offered?

  Raphael just nodded. She was glad he didn’t pry.

  “Want to hop in?” he asked. “We’re going the same way.”

  She didn’t turn him down automatically. She needed her car for the money, but then again, how could she sell a vehicle that didn’t work? She still felt bad about pulling Kurtis away from his day off, too, and would be happy to tell him he didn’t have to come out after all. More than anything, she would be glad for an excuse to not see him again, at least not right away.

  “You know what,” she said, surprising herself by how readily she made up her mind, “I think I’ll do that, if you’re sure it’s ok with you.”

  He gave a half-grin. “Just don’t spill your Coke on my seat like you did driving to that show in Baltimore. You remember that?”

  She laughed and popped open her trunk. “That’s not fair. I would have never spilled it if you hadn’t sped around that corner.”

  “How was I supposed to know there were speed bumps all up and down that road?” he asked, grabbing her two bags.

  “I don’t know,” she countered playfully. “Maybe you could have read one of the signs on the road, or is that too easy of an answer?” She took the Costco box and carried it to his backseat. “Is there room for all this?”

  He took down his bike from its rack and hefted her things into his trunk. “Oh, yeah. You know me, still traveling light after all these years, except now I travel with the Holy Spirit.”

  Her smile dropped. Her neck and shoulders ached with heaviness.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Two minutes. We almost made it two whole minutes before you started talking church.”

  He hooked his bike back onto the rack. “Does it offend you?”

  She shook her head. “No, it’s not that. It’s just, I feel like I hardly know you anymore. You sound like my dad when he preaches, and I just ...”

  He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Hey, it’s cool. I don’t want to shove anything down your throat. But you know me. When I get a good thing going for me, I get excited.”

  “I know. And I didn’t mean to sound critical, it’s just ...” She didn’t know how to finish.

  “A lot has happened these past four years. It’s gonna take us some time.”

  “Yeah.”

  They both got into their seats.

  “So, what are you gonna do about your car?” he asked.

  She wished she could just leave it there and let someone else deal with it. “I guess I’ll see if my friend can tow it back to Glennallen for me.”

  “You can say his name, you know.”

  Lacy avoided his eyes.

  “The trooper you were seeing. He has a name, I assume.”

  “Yeah.” She bit her lip. “Hey, do you mind if I hop out and make a phone call real quick? I’ll be right back.”

  “Sure.” He still had that same jocular smile. He glanced around once. “Just don’t take too long. These bugs are terrible.”

  Chapter 12

  A MINUTE LATER, LACY was back in Raphael’s car, on the highway speeding toward Anchorage. She hadn’t been able to get hold of Kurtis, but she left a message to tell him she had a ride and to ask him if he’d mind towing the car to Glennallen until she figured out what to do with it. She offered to pay him for his time once she got settled in, even though she knew he’d never take her money. She still wasn’t sure she had made the right decision, but if the car was busted, it could be days or weeks before she got out of Glennallen. By then, she might lose her fortitude. She had to do this now. It was the only way.

  She tried not to think about Kurtis. She should have never asked him for help with the car in the first place. Oh well, it was too late now. He was probably already on the road, already in a no-coverage zone. Should she have left him a note on her dashboard to explain what was happening?

  The longer they drove, the more she realized she wouldn’t be coming back to Glennallen. She was tired of the daycare, sick of the bratty attitudes, the whiny voices, the kids complaining when they had no idea how good their lives really were. She was tired of everything, really, tired of the long winters, the bug-infested summers. There was no fall to speak of here, and spring just meant everything was gray and mushy while the piles of snow melted.

  “You tired?” Raphael asked, stealing a quick glance at her.

  “Yeah.” She was surprised again at how uncomfortable it was with him. Ironic, really, that she had dreamed for so long of meeting him again, and now that they were in the same car, she could hardly put two words together.

  Raphael put on his sunglasses. “I’ve got some snacks in the back. You hungry?”

  “No. Thanks.”

  “So, you got everything you’ll need? Passport, all that stuff from witness protection?”

  She nodded, tired of the awkward chitchat, and stared at the scenery. Even in summer, the evergreens along this stretch the highway looked dried out and dead, more brown on top than green. Why did everyone always talk about how beautiful Alaska was? Was there anything she would miss about life out here?

  There was Kurtis, of course, but he had never really known her. Sure, he put enough details together to figure out her true identity, but that didn’t mean he knew her. He didn’t know her favorite Boston restaurants, the kind of paintings she was drawn to, which conductors of which East Coast symphonies she liked best. He didn’t know she was on first-name basis with a handful of art critics, or that she had once studied theater under a Tony Award nominee.

  She thought she would be relieved to leave Glennallen. Wh
ere was the sense of freedom she had expected?

  Change is always hard, she reminded herself, but at least this was one change she could control, not like her placement in Glennallen four years ago. So why did she feel like a little girl again getting driven from one foster home to another?

  “I hope your car’s all right.” Raphael and she had never struggled in the past to find things to talk about. What was the problem?

  He took a deep breath as if he was about to speak but remained silent. She grabbed her purse and fumbled through the contents, unsure what in particular she was searching for.

  “What do you need?” he asked.

  “Just looking for my Dramamine.”

  He smiled. “You and your motion sickness. I guess some things don’t change, do they?”

  “Not on these windy roads,” she murmured, and remembered she had used the last pill on her most recent trip to town with Kurtis.

  Raphael ducked down and craned his neck. “Whoa, look at that! Is that a bald eagle?” He pointed at a shadow out his window.

  Lacy couldn’t remember how many eagles she had spotted before she stopped seeing them as beautiful, majestic creatures and started viewing them as the disgusting rot-eaters they really were.

  “Careful.” She resisted the urge to reach over and steer for him.

  “I’m paying attention.” He put both hands back on the wheel.

  “Sorry. It’s just this part of the highway makes me nervous.” They were speeding along the edge of a mountain, a single lane away from a five-hundred-foot cliff.

  “I’ll be careful,” Raphael promised.

  “You might want to slow down a little.” She eyed his speedometer. He wasn’t used to this kind of driving. The East Coast didn’t have mountain stretches like this. Not with such terrifying drop-offs.

  They also believed in something called guard rails.

  “As you wish.” The familiar hint of mischief was back in his voice, and Lacy realized he hadn’t spoken about his new zeal for the Bible or Christianity since they got on the road. Had she offended him in Mendeltna?