by Rob Reger
And if someone HAS defaced my ancestor’s home, take suitable revenge.
Check out the secret tunnels under Great-Aunt Lily’s house and see if any of my Dark Aunts made improvements in the past couple centuries.
Carve my initials in a chair in the Dark Girls’ Boardroom in the tunnels under Great-Aunt Lily’s house.
Communicate to Mayor Ebenezer my disgust with Seasidetown’s transformation into a Revolutionary Theme Park.
Serious mischief-making.
Possibly involving minor sabotage of certain theme-park elements of Seasidetown.
Plant TranscriptoSpy devices all over town and monitor people’s ridiculous conversations from the comfort of my room.
Talk owner of local restaurant into staying open all night. (Admittedly low chance of success on this one.)
And of course…Ye Olde Documentarie Filme Projecte!!!
Later
Cabin fever struck, and HARD. Could not stand the hotel room for one minute longer. At least that got me and the cats out and about. The first thing I wanted to see was Great-Aunt Lily’s old house, but I could not find it. Am I losing my sense of direction? Had thought Mystery would be of some help since she was here with me in 1790, but noooooooo, I guess she does not have a built-in biological GPS like I assumed. I gave her the chance to show the way—but she led us to a fenced-off lot, then just sat down and started grooming herself like she WASN’T all embarrassed to have failed.
I must be disoriented by all the changes in Seasidetown in the past 200+ years. And yet, on the other hand, certain unlikable things in Seasidetown have stubbornly refused to change. Am somewhat outraged (for example) to find a souvenir shop selling postcards depicting Uncle Boris and his medicine show caravan, as well as Uncle Boris souvenir top hats, Uncle Boris souvenir yo-yos, and Uncle Boris souvenir cell phone charms.
CHAAAA! As I remember it, that guy bailed Seasidetown in 1790 with his tail between his legs. Cannot BELIEVE people actually remember him two centuries later! And someone is making money on this sad fact! Disgusting.
Later
Have not found Aunt Lily’s house yet. Man, I really hope it’s still around. I guess there’s no guarantee. Am trying not to worry. Just because Aunt Lily’s black rock showed up there first…that doesn’t mean mine would…right?!? If her house WERE critical to me summoning black rock, then surely my great-aunts would have mentioned it in their letter…RIGHT?!?!?!?
Will keep trying for a bit longer. I still have an hour or so before the sun comes up. Am going to stop looking where I think it should be and start looking in the unlikely places. Maybe I’ll have better luck!!!
Later
SUCCESS! Have located Aunt Lily’s house! I clearly HAVE lost my sense of direction, because it’s nowhere near where I thought it was. Oh well. The important thing is that I’ve found it, and it looks unoccupied (if somewhat decrepit). Have ThoughtCorded my initial observations of it for use in the Documentary.
Oh…and standing next to it did not enable me to summon black rock. (Otherwise, I guess I’d be making a very short documentary!)
As eager as I am to get inside, and walk the Dark Girl tunnels once again, and revisit the inner sanctum of the Boardroom, I think I’m going to wait until tomorrow night. Am pretty exhausted and the sun is coming up. I need to come back when I’m fully rested and have the entire glorious night to devote to exploration, documentarying, and concentrated summoning!
Am headed back to the hotel for a good day’s sleep.
Aunt Lily’s house: FOUND.
May 14
For every prohibition you create you also create an underground.
—Jello Biafra
The sun is down, I have plenty of provisions packed, my ThoughtCorder is fully charged, and the cats and I are headed to Aunt Lily’s house. Will write more later when I have discoveries to document!
Later
Man, I LOOOOOOOOVE revisiting ancestral homes after 200+ years! Aunt Lily’s house has barely changed inside since I last saw it in 1790, aside from being EXTREMELY dusty. (A change for the better, in my opinion.) EXCELLENT material for opening titles of the Documentary!
As soon as we got in, I tried my hardest to summon black rock. Summoned and summoned until my head ached. No dice! Will keep trying.
Later
Poked around the house for a while and eventually located the dumbwaiter, which was how I used to get into the basement back in the 1790s. I wasted no time in crawling inside. It probably wasn’t super prudent of me to assume the cables would still hold my weight after two centuries of rust, dust, and decay, but for whatever reason—ancestral mojo, the fresh seaside air, or just dumb (waiter) luck—I did NOT immediately plummet to my death. Instead I descended gradually to the basement in style. (If “folded into the tiniest ball possible” can be called style.)
Slid open the dumbwaiter door and there I was in the basement! A moment later the cats had joined me (having very sensibly taken the stairs), my eyes adjusted to the glorious dark, and I started scanning the floor for the hole leading to the secret tunnels. That’s when I started noticing changes—the basement has not held up to the passing centuries as well as the rest of the house. The foundation is very damaged and everything looks different down here. The hole in the floor and the entrance to the tunnels have both been widened quite a bit—I think it’s safe to assume that a Dark Aunt has been here since Lily’s time! The tunnels have also been rerouted. Not surprising. I’m sure that in more than two hundred years, tunnels are bound to cave in and need redigging.
Am very eager to locate the Boardroom. The first time I got inside that place, I felt the concentrated, uncanny energy of Dark Girls zinging all around me. It seems like an extremely likely summoning spot. Here’s hoping that my next entry is stained with splashes of liquid black rock!
Later
TERRIBLE NEWS!!!
ATTIKOL IS IN SEASIDETOWN!!!!!!
AND HE’S IN THE DARK GIRLS’ BOARDROOM!!!!!
—OK. Must get a grip on myself. Am shaking with rage. Can barely write. THAT BRAXDRABBLING FLOPWART, I’M GONNA…Settle down…Must control self…Must figure this out…
—OK. Am calmer. Here’s what happened: The cats and I were merrily exploring along, mapping tunnels as we went, when we came to a (sort of) familiar door—it looked more or less like the same heavy door with iron fittings that I remember opening into the Boardroom. And if I hadn’t been wearing a headlamp, I’d have noticed much sooner that there was light shining from the cracks around the door. Extremely suspicious!!! Luckily, I DID notice before just barging in, and I slid my handy periscope under the door to see what the grabfrax was going on. Here’s a spy photo of what I saw:
Am feeling super freaked out by Attikol’s presence in MY Boardroom. Am leaving a TranscriptoSpy at the doorway (extremely well-hidden) and bailing.
Later-back at
the hotel
OK—WHY didn’t Jakey warn me that Attikol was coming to Seasidetown? Either he’s no longer loyal to ME, his OWN COUSIN, or………….
Or something has happened to Jakey!
Attikol, Thug, Dottie, NannyGuard, and Vivi—INTERLOPERS!!!
Am WAY more inclined to believe the second possibility.
And am WAY horrified to think what it might mean.
In addition to the implication for Jakey, it means it’s NOT impossible that Attikol knows about black rock…
And could be here in Seasidetown to summon it away from me!
Can’t panic…have to keep control…
—Oh. Might be a good idea to check the TranscriptoFeed of Attikol’s conversation in the Boardroom—
OK, all printed…what I got of it, anyway. Here it is:
* * *
Attikol
Let’s go over this one more time, Dottie. I need to know everything you found in Jakey’s mind regarding Emily Strange as of this evening. Anything…any little thing at all.
Dottie
[Sighing.]
I
keep telling you…I didn’t find ANYTHING.
A.
But…I don’t…oh, very well. We will just have to hope that she’ll be in Seasidetown soon. We’ll need to monitor all incoming traffic, and get every police officer in town looking for her. Mayor Ebenezer, can I rely on your help? We MUST find Emily Strange!
Mayor Ebenezer
Don’t get me wrong, Attikol—I do appreciate your assistance in revitalizing the souvenir industry in Seasidetown. But I feel I’m missing something. What is the purpose of finding this girl?
A.
Why, Vivi—may I call you Vivi?—she has certain very valuable information that I need.
M.E.
Unless a crime is being committed, this is no concern for my police force.
A.
Ah, I understand! How about this: She is attempting to steal my ancestral treasure!
M.E.
Well, I’m not mobilizing a single officer without a warrant.
A.
A warrant will be no problem at all! Let me call my favorite judge…
* * *
Wow. Am mightily stunned by all this.
Cannot quite process what I’m reading.
I mean…
“Everything you found in Jakey’s mind regarding Emily Strange…”
That one line is knocking me on my cheeks right now!
Am I dealing with ANOTHER psychic here?
Well…if I can believe that Jakey has psychic ability, is it really such a stretch to think someone else can have it, too?
All right. Let me take this slowly, one point at a time.
Dottie Ebenezer may have some variety of psychic ability.
And has been reading Jakey’s mind…for Attikol…looking for information on ME. [Shudder!]
But “as of this evening,” she can’t find anything.
For reasons unknown…and mysterious, considering the large amount Jakey knows about me.
Maybe he found a way to block her???
Or…maybe she already got everything there was to get?????
Which would explain how Attikol knew I was coming to Seasidetown.
But I sure wish I knew exactly what information he wants from me!
As well as exactly what he knows about “ancestral treasure”!!!!
In any case, I am smathering lucky that Attikol does not know I’m already in Seasidetown!
Although I’m flakkering UNlucky that Seasidetown’s entire police force will be looking for me.
But at least I KNOW they’re looking for me.
And…I packed costumes.
Must get out and locate Jakey. Am putting on a disguise.
Later
Attikol and crew are staying in this very hotel—a fact I discovered by nearly bumping into Attikol’s business partner/punching bag, Ümlaut, in the lobby. Am very grateful for my excellent disguise! More later!
Later
Am now in the hotel’s ventilation ducts! Am very dusty! Have found Jakey! He has a room on the first floor. Unfortunately two of Attikol’s overly well-dressed thugs are in there with him, so our conversation will have to wait until I can engineer a distraction.
Later
Back in my room. Things are not good.
Here’s what happened: First I outfitted Raven in blond wig and slinky dress.
Me, disguised as a (very short) repairman.
Raven in disguise!
Then, while I wriggled back through the ducts to Jakey’s room, Raven walked up to his door and knocked. When one of Attikol’s henchmen answered, she explained that she was having problems getting her shower to start. Could she possibly get a little help from a strong, handsome man? Oh, and (appearing to spot Thug #2) it was probably a two-man job—perhaps his friend could join them?
Those thugs never looked back but followed her out, drooling. As soon as the door closed behind them, I got Jakey’s attention.
* * *
Me
Hey, Jakey. I’m up here in the ventilation.
Jakey
Eeek! What? Who?
Me
MME, dimcheeks. Keep the racket down. Those thugs are out in the hall trying to help Raven find her hotel room.
J.
Who are you?
Me
Fripes, what’s with you? It’s Emily, you nut-flake!
J.
OK…Um, I can see in your mind that you know me, but…I don’t know you.
Me
Oh…my…blatjarx. Are you for real?
J.
Uh, yeah, I’m for real. I have no clue who you are.
Me
[Choking on thin air at this information.]
J.
Wow, there’s a LOT of stuff in your mind about me. I guess we knew each other pretty well, huh?
Me
Dude! We’re COUSINS! You don’t remember ANYTHING about me?
J.
Nothing.
Me
Anything about black rock or Attikol’s plans for getting his hands on it?
J.
Doesn’t sound familiar. Here…just give me a minute…I’m starting to know you again, sort of.
Me
What! Why, are the memories coming back?
J.
Oh…no, those are your thoughts I’m picking up, that’s all.
Me
That girl Dottie…what did she do to you? Have you lost ALL your memories?
J.
Hard to say. She calls herself a thought puller. But I still know who I am and all.
Me
A thought puller? What in the skeezles is THAT?
I thought maybe she was another psychic.
J.
It’s definitely different from what I can do.
Me
Does she actually pull thoughts OUT OF YOUR MIND?
J.
I think she does. Hey, whatever you do, don’t let her touch you!
Me
She has to touch you to pull thoughts? Good to know.
J.
Yeah, and it’s no relaxing massage, either.
Me
[Shuddering at the thought.]
Well, let’s hope they’re done with you.
[SIGH. Note to self: Add “Rescue Jakey” to my Seasidetown to-do list.] [Sound of Attikol’s thugs returning to the room.]
OK, Cousin, I’m sure you’ll know my plans the second I do…
* * *
Dradblam them for interrupting! I need way more time with Jakey. Would really like to know what led Attikol to Seasidetown in the first place. How did he partner up with this diabolical Dottie? And what in the tweezles made him ask her about ME?
Later
Decided it was no longer safe to stay at the hotel, seeing as how Concierge Dude would be able to ID me, so we have taken shelter elsewhere in town. Tried to find the entertainment value in disguising myself, Raven, the cats, and my trunks, and sneaking us all out past the concierge, various members of Attikol’s entourage, AND large “Have you seen me?” posters of myself…but am not super happy about being on the run. This was supposed to be a fun, rewarding, end-of-the-school-year getaway. I was expecting to just land in town, summon a large fountain of black rock without too much fuss, and spend the rest of my vacation in idle mischief.
Instead we are hiding from the law in an abandoned souvenir kiosk in an otherwise empty lot. Same one Mystery brought us to the other night. The entire block is fenced off, which makes me feel slightly more secure. Still, no one is stoked to be here, and the Posse is letting me know it! All four cats have been yowling their disapproval, trying to climb the walls, and threatening to relaunch the bad behavior of the past week. It’s not what I need right now!
Wish I had more info about what Attikol knows and what his plan is. Am in dire need of better intel. If only I had TranscriptoSpies all over town!
Oh hey—here’s a thought…
It’s time to put my troublesome felines to work for me.
Our current h
iding spot.
Later
The cats have gone undercover! I rigged TranscriptoSpies to each of their collars and gave them their missions. Miles has been assigned to lurk the halls of Seasidetown’s oldest hotel. Sabbath is going to infiltrate the mayor’s home and follow the Ebenezers in their travels around town. NeeChee will locate Attikol’s caravan and keep tabs there. And Mystery is staking out Great-Aunt Lily’s house for me.
Made sure they understand that I expect them home for dinner and snuggles every night. Gave them all some advice on safe espionage. And sent them on their way!
Later
Was feeling grumpy about spending my vacation in a rundown, abandoned souvenir kiosk instead of a fairly posh hotel. Then reflected that, really, the upside of being on the lam is that I’m staying in a rundown, abandoned souvenir kiosk instead of a fairly posh hotel. Have started customizing the kiosk to my heart’s delight. Have hung spare black dresses over the windows, hot-glued garage-sale stuffed animals to the ceiling, installed portable lab and periscope, and spray-painted the walls with made-up band logos. Am blasting Mom’s mix tapes one after the other. (Through headphones. I AM lying low here.) The place is feeling much more homey and WAY cooler than that hotel room, with its tasteful decor and quiet, understated luxury. Who needs it? I am better off in a place where I can spill black cherry soda or hydrofluoric acid on the carpet, guilt-free.
Later
Am taking a break from kiosk-decorating to monitor the cats’ TranscriptoFeeds. Here are some highlights:
* * *
Ümlaut
No! Not fire-walking! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?
Attikol
Oh, yes, fire-walking…and sword-swallowing too! Now, you’d better get to work…your first show is tonight at seven! Ivac, have the mural on his trailer repainted right away, and administer thumbscrews if Ümlaut shows the slightest hesitation. Have I made myself clear?