by Rob Reger
[Long pause.]
[Some shuddering.]
Don’t say that, man. She has them. She has to.
* * *
Later-back at the kiosk AGAIN, again
Ran into Ümlaut as I was leaving the medicine show and took the opportunity to congratulate him on his new act. Was still in disguise, of course. I know he dislikes Attikol as much as the next person, but I’m not taking any unnecessary risks!!!
* * *
Me
So, I’ve been wanting to ask, after seeing your fire/sword/snake show night after night: Is it possible you have some magical talent?
Ümlaut
…Wow, you just came right out and asked, didn’t you?
Me
I’d be interested to know.
Ü.
Well, I’m flattered, but no. I’m just really, really good at following instructions.
Me
[Pondering this.]
It’s funny, because I would totally believe a super-human talent related to fire, swords, and snakes. But instructions?
Ü.
[Helpfully.]
See, when Attikol told me I had to put on a fire-walking/sword-swallowing/snake-handling show, I just read the ancient masters’ instructions on how their illusions were accomplished. That’s really all there was to it.
Me
And just hours later, you were able to duplicate illusions that took them lifetimes to perfect. Nothing unusual about that!
Ü.
[Modestly.]
Well, I appreciate the compliment.
* * *
Later
Have been working my arm off, writing up dummy blueprints for the engineers. Am forcing Raven to be my footstool. The kiosk is fabulously well stocked on future-garbage…not so much on footstools.
Later
OK—have finished the dummy plans. Gotta run over to Aunt Lily’s house before the sun comes up.
Later
YESSSSSSSSSSS! I have the real blueprints in hand! The theft (wait—is it really theft if the goods were mine to begin with? OK—retheft) went down as smoothly as can be. Someone had put a lock on the front door, but all that meant was that I had more fun breaking in. It was a bit tougher than your average store-bought padlock, though still quite pickable for a girl with an A+ in Locksport 445.
The plans were not even secured—they were sitting out in plain sight on the recycle bin! What sloppiness. And yet the engineers have cleaned Aunt Lily’s house. Drat them for dusting! What a bunch of babies. You think I would ever accomplish anything if I insisted on a dust-free lab? Sheesh.
Will also add that I took the opportunity to install three TranscriptoSpies in key locations around the lab so I can continue to monitor Attikol and engineers. Am looking forward to viewing video of the team as they start trying to build from the dummy blueprints. AHhahaHah!
Almost daylight. Going to bed.
May 18
Creating is the essence of life.
—Julius Caesar
Morning—I should be asleep, but I set an early alarm. I want to watch the engineers start work so I can savor my revenge. HahhahhHAhhHAHHah! Will write more later when I have details.
Later
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! They STILL have the real blueprints! There has been no revenge!!! When the team arrived at the lab, they all ignored my carefully crafted dummy plans instead of using them to build an elaborate paper airplane and a matchstick urinal. At first I thought they were just dilly-dallying over personal email or something…but then one of them, in the midst of a cleaning spasm, picked up the dummy plans off the recycling bin—and stuffed them inside. That’s when I realized the original plans had already been scanned, and every engineer on the team now has a full soft copy.
Multiple soft copies, and no telling what sort of backups.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Will deal with this after I’ve had some more sleep.
Later-evening at last
Woke up and started reviewing tapes from the TranscriptoSpies planted around the lab in hopes of learning something of use. Here’s what I’ve observed:
The team consists of six guys. Yes, guys. That’s so Attikol—he probably doesn’t even realize female engineers exist.
Have nicknamed them all. E.g., BrownTown—this one was easiest. Everything about him is brown.
Speedy—severe caffeine abuse problem.
Pigpen—filthy personal habits.
Dumpling—corresponding body shape and consistency.
Donkey—braying laugh; buck teeth; incredibly long, pointed ears; hairy tail; and hooves. (Well, the first three are true, anyway.)
And GubGub—for absolutely no good reason.
Despite the minor peculiarities noted above, they appear to be well-educated, mainstream, average adult guys.
Though their conversation reveals them to be way more excited by blueprints for unusual contraptions than by, say, football scores.
Still, they have not made much progress on actually building anything from said blueprints.
Instead they spend an inordinate amount of time just discussing said blueprints in glowing terms. For example: “Who ever thought of welding steel wool into a parabola? It’s sheer genius!” and “Anyone who can get liquid unnilquadium to do THAT, I’d consider something of a god.”
Which is probably responsible for the fact that I am feeling sorta lenient toward them and not plotting heinous revenge for the fact that they’ve usurped my great-aunt’s home. Which is really Attikol’s fault, anyway.
Though they are still owed mild revenge for the dusting.
Am somewhat consoled by what I’ve seen. I guess up to now I’ve been under the impression that if an engineer, any engineer, were ever to get his/her hands on blueprints for one of my inventions, it would only be a matter of minutes before he/she had a working device assembled. I guess up to now I’ve been forgetting that the way I work is fundamentally DIFFERENT from the way most engineers do. True, we all operate within the same physical principles, but you might say I’ve got more of an open mind when it comes to materials, methods, and outcomes. I mean, who on Attikol’s team is likely to consider spiderwebs a reasonable substitute for copper wire?
Speaking of which…they’ve done their best to stock the lab properly, but I don’t really see what they are going to accomplish without a LOT more of the following:
Ectoplasm
Veggie sandwiches
Shlüdge™
Extensively cataloged collection of tidy balls of dryer lint
Distilled cat saliva
Loam
Cockroach colony
Glues of the world
Slime mold vivarium
Bottled sweats (cataloged A–Z, by organism)
Sun-spigot
Assorted spectrobollogalvanometers
Set of incredibly fine paintbrushes like the ones I made from my own eyelashes—the handles, I mean. The brushes themselves are molecule-thin splits of cat hair. I used a single cat hair for the entire 13-brush set!
So I guess I can relax for the moment. It is going to take these guys some time to get my devices built. Will just keep close tabs on their progress!
Later-nearly daylight
Just stopped in at the only café in Seasidetown that opens before daybreak to pick up a snack. Ran into Schneider, reading his library books and slurping espresso.
* * *
Schneider
Hey, I got through the rest of that box of stuff from Attikol’s family.
Me
Anything interesting?
S.
Uh…nothing worth mentioning yet. I’m putting together a family tree, though. I thought I would try to figure out who each of the 13 Shady Uncles were.
Me
Oh. Yeah. Start stalking Attikol’s family instead of mine…sounds like a great plan.
* * *
Later
Raven and I just got back to the kiosk after our visit to the mayor’s mansion. H
ere’s how that went:
* * *
Me
Nice work with the Rainbow Zombies rhyme, Dottie. You had me fooled for at least an hour.
Dottie
Hey, I’m getting PAID to keep that information safe for Attikol. You don’t think I’m just gonna hand it over?
Me
So it’s the money you’re after, then?
D.
Of course it is.
Me
But Dottie, think of the big picture for a minute. Have you considered what Attikol would do with black rock, and with my special inventions, if he actually got them?
D.
That’s not my concern. I’m getting paid to do a job, and I intend to do it.
Me
So you won’t do the right thing and stand up to minor evil?
D.
Nope. Not if minor evil is paying.
Me
I feel you. Your mom’s cramming this whole civic pride thing down your throat. The Bright Girl legacy! Seasidetown Über Alles! Blah, blah, blah.
D.
[Eyes narrowing.]
So you have some insight into my conflict with my mom. So what? You’re still not getting the summoning instructions.
Me
Well then, would you be open to a little double-dealing? Take Attikol’s money, but help me instead?
D.
[Shrugging.]
I’ll take on new clients, as long as they can pay my fee. But I made an agreement with Attikol to give those instructions only to him.
Me
So nothing I could pay you would be enough to break your agreement?
D.
NOW you’re catching on.
* * *
SIGH.
Later
Roamed aimlessly around Seasidetown for an hour or so and found myself drifting toward Great-Aunt Lily’s house. Thought it would be nice to sneak in and get some snuggles with Mystery. Found a new and even more difficult lock on the door. I was still able to spring it open in less than a minute, but only because I happen to have read up on disc-detainer locks just last month.
Also wanted to make sure my TranscriptoSpies weren’t missing anything critical, like a half-finished Time-Out Machine or something. HahaAHHah-hAha! On the contrary. The lab is a bit of a disaster zone—and not MY kind of disaster zone, full of frenzied and successful creativity. No, it was the chaos that speaks of frustration and failure. Was very cheered by this!!!
While I was there, I REALLY considered taking the opportunity to wreak some sabotage, but reflected that the poor engineers (who are already struggling with my impossible blueprints, and who have kind of endeared themselves to me in the process) would be the ones suffering the consequences. And it’s not like they are anywhere close to actually building my devices. Added to which, it goes against all I believe in to sabotage a lab, any lab. So I held myself in check. Attikol WILL get his come-uppance!!!!!!
However—I did seize the moment by leaving them the following note:
* * *
Dudes—
Too bad you guys are having so much trouble building my Time-Out Machine and DuplicatoDevice. Wish I could help, but that is impossible, seeing as Attikol is my ancestral enemy. Also thought you should know that he stole those blueprints out of my brain. If you guys found it in your souls to thwart him a little, I could probably kick down some homemade sesquipelithium as a token of my thanks.
Later—
“The inventor”
* * *
OK. Heading back to the kiosk now. Time for bed.
May 19
I was raised to question authority.
—Ian MacKaye
Woke up this evening feeling like I have accomplished NOTHING in Seasidetown. Haven’t invoked my inheritance, carved my initials into a chair in the Boardroom, or made any mischief worth speaking of. Decided it would make me feel worlds better and help clear my mind if I at least embarked on a little making of mischief.
So I hit the town, ThoughtCorder in hand. Had a very pleasant time using it to project scenes of attacking monsters and scare the pants off some late-night pedestrians.
Here are some choice stills documenting the madness that ensued:
Oh man, that felt good! I needed some belly-busting laughs at other people’s expense to lift my mood.
OK…time to pack in the tomfoolery for tonight. Am meeting Schneider at the café in ten.
Later
Schneider brought some VERY interesting information to tonight’s meeting! Here’s how our conversation went:
* * *
Schneider
Did your great-aunt Emma ever mention old family diaries?
Me
No, not specifically.
S.
Well, remember, I said I came to Seasidetown because Lily lived here. But there was another reason. I’d seen a reference to this town in Emma’s things. I never told you the whole story…or why I applied for the Head Librarian job.
Me
Well? Spill.
S.
The reference was in an old date book that I found in the Blackrock house. On September 23, 1977, Emma visited Seasidetown. The entry says, "Head Librarian 8 p.m. Re: Great-Aunt diaries.”
Me
[Choking on my own saliva.]
WHAT? DIARIES? Where are they?? Gimme gimme gimme!!!!
S.
Well, let me finish. I didn’t want to mention it until I actually found them. But at this point, I’ve searched the whole place. I’ve scoured the microfiche, been through the whole card catalog, AND visited the former Head Librarian.
Me
And, what, no diaries?
S.
[Squinting in disappointment.]
Sorry, Em. I REALLY wanted to find them for you.
Me
No leads at all? No hunches? Nothing?
S.
There IS a lead…IF you are OK with basing far-fetched theories on what might be the babblings of a madwoman.
Me
Flabberfarkus! I PREFER far-fetched theories based on babblings of madwomen.
S.
Great, cuz the former Head Librarian is in her late nineties and not entirely clear in the mind. She couldn’t tell me anything about your aunt Emma, or any diaries, but in the middle of a conversation about our favorite foods and the weather, she casually asked me if I’d seen the library’s secret book vault.
Me
[Sharp intake of breath.]
K, I’ll check it out.
* * *
Later
Have just gotten back from the library. Yes, I snuck in during the night. Yes, I found the blueprints. Yes, I followed certain architectural discrepancies to locate a secret book vault. Unfortunately, NO, I do NOT have my hands on any Great-Aunts’ diaries.
—OK. Let me slow down and describe what happened from the beginning.
First off, Raven and cats and I trekked over to the library, and I made a quick survey of its security. SIGH. I guess it’s kind of touching how Seasidetown sees no need for better alarm systems on its public buildings and mayoral residences, but they really could use an upgrade. Should offer to consult with them on beefing up their security. Or not. No sweat off my teeth. >Snork.<
Once we were inside, I located the library’s blueprint room, picked the lock, and helped myself to the architectural diagrams of the library itself. The cats and I took over a big table so we could spread out. I told Raven to guard the door, and we hunkered down to scrutinize the blueprints.
It took a moment for all four cats to settle in and really look with me. And it was the strangest thing, maybe just a trick of my mind, but I could swear that as soon as all of us were focused on the blueprints, the shape popped right out.
The library’s floor plan makes the same shape as the Dark Girls’ tunnels—the way they were two hundred years ago!
Of course, I lost no time in locating and letting myself into the secret book vault. It wasn’t even that diffi
cult, once I knew where to look—specifically, right behind the shelf containing Dewey Decimal Class 090—Manuscripts and Rare Books, of course!
Actually, it might have been tougher if I hadn’t recently completed a full semester of Strange 101. Luckily, Aunt Millie’s lessons included a healthy dose of Dark Girl Skills (she knows how to keep things interesting for me)—and that meant a solid introduction to Secret Room Concealment and Detection!
Which is why I was able to locate the hidden door release (use your fingers, silly, not your eyes—a Dark Girl knows how to make things nearly invisible), activate it (with a two-step hairpin jiggle), and disarm the inevitable booby trap (a complete edition of the Oxford English Dictionary that otherwise would have slammed into my shins with all the force of a runaway train).
Unfortunately the secret book vault contained not a single secret book! And not a single nonsecret book, either. It was completely empty, with no sign that anything had ever been there.
Am feeling majorly cheated on the whole secret book vault front.
Later
Although it was very late and I kind of knew Schneider would be in bed, I had to call him as I left the library to tell him about my adventure there. He was super excited about the vault…and super let down to hear it was empty.
Yeah. Pretty disappointing. Aunt Emma said she had hoped one of the elder aunts had left some kind of instructions for me. Those diaries might have been it! Well, I’m not done looking. There’s still Aunt Lily’s house to be searched!
Later
Cats and Raven and I ended up going straight to Aunt Lily’s house from the library to do some searching. There was a MUCH trickier lock on the front door: a dimple lock with more telescoping pins than I’ve ever seen. Couldn’t get my pick gun to work for the life of me, so I tried key bumping. Took me quite a while, and made me sweat something fierce, but I eventually got the flathering thing open. All of which points to the question: Where are these locks coming from? I mean, this last one was clearly a custom job by a really skilled lockcrafter.