Stigmata

by L M Adams

  I wait for coffee and watch the beauty that is Jack cooking in only a pair of loose black pajama bottoms. Sleek muscles wrapped in startling porcelain skin. Dark hair cut short and a bit of a shadow on his chin and jaw showing the heralds of a new beard he’s on the cusp of deciding to let grow.

  He grabs three mugs down from the cabinet and pours coffee for the three of us while dutifully ignoring the fact that Lucien has nabbed a slice of bacon. I can’t help but smile at them and I guess there’s a certain contagiousness to my expression because Jack flashes a smile before he can tuck it away.

  He likes that Luey comes to steal his bacon.

  “You are not going to reprimand me for eating before the meal has been served?” Lucien grumbles quietly.

  Jack looks at him, eyebrow raised. “Do you want me to?”

  “Aye.” Lucien nods and takes another piece, as if he’s daring Jack to put up a fuss.

  Hmm, this may get interesting.

  “Why?” Jack asks confused.

  Lucien frowns harshly. “You want kinky sex.”

  Jack sighs, “I asked to get tied up for the position you wanted last night, that’s all.”

  “But you have not topped in weeks, it is past time for you to express your rights, I thought to employ one of your methods of ‘topping from the bottom’, I must not be very good at it.” Lucien looks very thoughtful for a moment, “Perhaps you will tutor me in this method, I felt the desire to punish you greatly when you implemented the tactic with me”

  I snicker.

  Jack glances at me, I shrug. Nope, not getting in it.

  “Do you want me to top you, Lucien?” Jack asks very carefully.

  “I wish for your happiness.”

  Jack frowns. “I’m fine.”

  Lucien nods, “Aye. But you have a dominant trait and you are not expressing that with me; I wish to fulfill all of your needs.”

  Jack glances at me again and then looks back at Lucien. “Everything is fine Lucien, I’m happy with the way things are.”

  Lucien shakes his head no. “I will not make the same mistakes as I did with Jaevia. I often wonder if I had not been so unmalleable could I have not made her happier in our younger years. I have learned from my mistakes Capaneus, you like to see my weakness, and you have a right to it. You will have to be forceful to gain what you seek, but I know you are up to the task.”

  Jack looks at Lucien thoughtfully and then suddenly shakes his head no. “I won’t do it…”

  Lucien grabs Jack by the back of his neck and bends him over the kitchen island harshly. Jack cries out in pain as his head bashes into the marble.

  “Very well.” Lucien growls and begins yanking down Jack’s pajama bottoms. “The longer it takes you to man the fuck up the more I take from you.”

  Jack closes his eyes tightly and grabs the edge of the counter. “Please.” He whispers low.

  “Fuck your please!” Lucien whacks Jack across his ass with the flat of his hand and Jack cries out.

  “Want to be a little naughty boy, I’ll make you my little naughty boy.” Lucien growls and Jack moans with delight.

  Lucien honest to god gives Jack a spanking with his bare hand, the sound of him hitting Jack’s ass fills the kitchen, followed by whimpers and moans of passion.

  “Mm hmm.” Lucien hums low and brings up his hand and sucks his middle and index finger. My eyes widen as his hand disappears behind Jack again.

  “Master no!” Jack cries out and tries to push away from the island, but Lucien just grunts and bears down on him further.

  Then there is nothing but a high-pitched wail of tears.

  “Please.” Jack cries onto the marble as Lucien fingers him.

  “What do you want?” Lucien asks softly and Jack inhales sharply again.

  “Your love.” Jack whispers.

  “Do you think I love you more when you are like this?”

  Jack doesn’t respond, only cries out in painful passion.

  Lucien hums and then does something different because Jack’s entire body tenses harshly.

  “Answer me Capaneus. I can make this feel good for you. I have studied prostate orgasms. See...”

  Jack lets out a shuddering breath and relaxes. I watch as Jack begins moving on back and forth on Lucien’s hand.

  “Slut.” Lucien whispers and Jack whimpers with his need. “I’m about to bring all the bitch out of you.”

  “Please do not, let me have my pride Lucien, let me have my pride, please.”

  “Tell me what you want, tell me your desires.”

  “I want you to stop.” Jack says softly.

  “No you don’t.”

  I hear the marble begin to crack as Jack shakes the island with his rage.

  “I don’t give a shit if you’re angry at me! Do you think I only love you if I top?!”

  “Yes!” Jack lifts his head and chest from the island roaring.

  He collapses back onto the island banging his forehead onto the marble again and again. “I’m the bottom, I’m the bottom, I’m the bottom.”

  “But you want more!” Lucien rages. “You miss hearing me beg, you miss feeding from my neck, you miss sucking my cock until I cry out with pleasure and weakness that I do not wish to feel! Tell me the truth!” Lucien demands.

  “Yes!” Jack screams at the top of his lungs. “Yes! Damn your blasted soul, yes!”

  “Why do you not take what is yours?!”

  “Because I am afraid Lucien! Cannot you not see how afraid I am to be without you? I’m just afraid…” Jack inhales sharply. “Do what you want to me I don’t care, but I will not risk it, I cannot.”

  “I have given you permission!” Lucien shouts.

  “Hurt me as much as you want, I will not top.” Jack whispers steadfast in his decision. “Just hurt me,” he cries, “please just hurt me… I need it, oh god please I need it.”

  Lucien fierce frown softens, “Shh, quiet.”

  I can almost taste the flavor of Jack’s emotion on my tongue, sour apples sprinkled with crystalized tears. His eyes are shut tightly as if he can hide from the terrors that stalk his soul.

  Luey leans his head on Jack’s back, “You will never lose me, Capaneus. You have to trust me, hmm? Trust me to know what I wish.”

  Jack exhales and nods, “Okay.”

  “But I see this is not the time. Tell me exactly what you need right now,” Lucien pulls back and helps Jack pull up his pants.

  Jack turns around slowly head hanging, still looking as gorgeous as ever… especially broken. But I have a certain dark love for the broken things.

  “A heavy session,” he whispers, “it would help relax me right now.”

  “Okay,” Lucien leans towards Jack, touching his forehead to Jack’s brow gently. “Whatever you need, hmm?”

  Jack nods and takes a deep breath, “Just the pain… no degradation, no love touches.”

  “Of course, I’ll beat you bloody.”

  Jack shudders with pleasure.

  “Go downstairs, I’ll be with you in a moment.”

  “Yes, Master.”

  Jack hurries away, barely sparing me a glance.

  “Well, that went bad quickly,” I get up to grab another cup of coffee.

  Lucien sighs as he goes to the sink to wash his hands, “I pushed him, and I shouldn’t have. He needs patience I just…” he sighs and leans over the sink, head hanging. “I’m running out of patience or perhaps seeing him pine for his Matthias unsettled me.” He sighs, “I just wish him to know he can have me in those ways, he need not find another.”

  I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, laying my head on his back, his stigmata is hot. I can’t be sure if it’s in response to the desire to hurt Jack or to love him or if the two things really aren’t that different at all.

  “Maybe it would be okay for you two to just slow down. We have the rest of our lives… you two could go back to comfortable ground for now.”

  He turns and welcomes me into the
safety of his arms, I lay my head on his chest.

  “You waited for me,” I whisper gently.

  “Aye, I waited for you.”

  He sighs and I pull back, “You’d better see to him, his anxiety is getting worse.”

  “I feel it too,” he frowns.

  “Go…”

  “You do not wish to join us?”

  I shake my head no, “I’m going to go out on the beach and read a bit. Besides, he’ll be more open to sharing those emotions with you alone.”

  “Wench…” Luey looks concerned.

  I lay a hand on his strong chest, “It’s okay.” I stand up on my tiptoes and kiss his chin gently.

  I put on a shawl and grab my book, my coffee, a pastry and head out to the beach right as the screaming begins. One on hand I do feel the same as Lucien – that Jack needs to push through this. But I also know what it means to be a victim and I know saying is easier than doing. This has to be done in his own way. I just hope Lucien is up for the task and that he understands how fucking hard it will be.

  The weather is absolutely gorgeous, sunny but not overly warm with the wonderful cool breeze blowing off the ocean. I look out over that ocean, it seems to go on forever… but forever isn’t a thing, all things end. Life, love, the sun, the moon, the earth… all things end, sooner or later – time is the only eternal. I walk down onto the sandy beach and pick one of the large loungers.

  I’m sure Jack bought all of the furniture extra-large so that Lucien could feel comfortable, it makes me feel tiny. Soon I’m swept away by the words on the page – reading, I forgot how pleasurable it could be… or how relaxing.

  If it’s the sound of the ocean, the comfortable weather, the peace I feel – I cannot be sure, but I fall asleep under the sun and dream of being a dragon warrior on a quest to save a princess.

  “Ah,” Lucien roars startling me awake.

  I feel a body behind me and I realize it’s his arm around my waist… how’d that gotten there?

  He jerks back.

  “Sorry, but it’s your own fault,” I mumble still half asleep and roll over to face him… being careful of my horns.

  “Oh aye, you’ve been stabbing me with your horns for years.”

  “Jack is better at avoiding them.”

  He huffs, “And he’s supposed to be the masochist.”

  I smile into his chest, “You like pain too.”

  “Perhaps… a bit.”

  “You like emotional pain – it’s why you pick the difficult ones to love to call your own.”

  “Psychoanalyzing me Wench?”

  “Just wanting to remind you… you knew this road with him wouldn’t be easy.”

  “I know,” he sighs, “I thought it would be a straight path, step by step…”

  “You’re not building a bookshelf, Luey.”

  “I know this, Wench, but his reactions make no sense. We make progress, I believe we are ready to take another step – then it seems we end up back at the beginning. The more I express my love to him the more he retreats into submission… yet not real submission – more like… victimhood. I do not know how to fix this.”

  I sigh, “You have to stop thinking you can fix everything.”

  “How am I not to try, Wench? He is my husband.”

  “I’m not telling you not to try, but…” I sigh, “Luey, you spent how long trying to change me? How long trying to make me be this woman that I was never going to be. Sometimes you have to love things as they are and stop trying to fix them.”

  His sigh is deep, “Aye Wench, aye I know. But this is not the same… he does not want to be the way he is; he just hates himself for being it.”

  “You always want to fix the broken things,” I whisper and snuggle into him. “Show him you can love the broken things, show him how to love his own brokenness… the rest will follow, I promise you it will.”

  “He doesn’t let me love him, Wench, and… with the things I did… how could he?”

  “Why didn’t you stay with him?”

  “He asked to be alone, he had no wish for me,” and Luey’s voice is filled with sorrow.

  Jack should have done better. There is such a thing as Dom drop, just like sub drop, the dominant can experience feelings of uncertainty and vulnerability – especially guilt. What kind of person enjoys the pain of another? What kind of person could do the kind of things Lucien did to Jack? How could anyone hurt someone they love?

  Lucien is a sensitive man; he doesn’t like seeing those he loves hurting; he hates the parts of himself that likes hurting us – but he enjoys it too much to stop. That’s too many conflicting emotions to try and sort out. He needed to know that Jack wasn’t angry at him; he needed a reinforcement of love just as much as Jack… but Jack is too caught up in his own emotional baggage to be there for Luey, so Luey came to see me.

  “Jack is a masochist, Luey – if he wanted alone time that was because he’s dealing with issues outside of what you did to him. It doesn’t mean he’s angry or doesn’t love you.”

  “If you say so, Wench.”

  “I do say so.”

  He rubs my back gently, his heart still troubled. “And I’m not an evil man because I like when he screams?”

  “Not when he wants to scream for you.”

  I understand what Lucien’s going through, I used to go through the same emotions. Feeling guilty for the things I liked, wanted… enjoyed with complete abandon. I can’t say I really learned to accept myself, but my succubus never cared and when my personalities were fused back together, I’m finding I care far less often than I should.

  After all, I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt when I tortured that reporter – not even for a moment… I’m not even sure if the man survived it.

  I never bothered to ask.

  54

  Jaevia

  The longer we’re here, the less I want to go back… sometimes I can go days without thinking of a single person or thing on the outside world. I thought the warehouse was my refuge, I see now that it was a prison… this is freedom.

  I’m in the living room eating popcorn, enjoying an old movie. The men are in the bedroom having sexy private time. I smile, once they get more comfortable with it, I’ll join… I’m in no rush.

  For now, I watch something called Dr. Dolittle, he can talk to animals and I’m currently trying to narrow down what kind of supernatural he is… at first, I thought some relation of Neptune, but that doesn’t fit – he has a connection with more than just horses.

  “Jaevia!” Lucien roars and I get up from the sofa almost stumbling over my own feet, spilling the popcorn to the floor as I try to get to the bedroom.

  Lucien doesn’t call for me like that, his voice never sounds like that… like something on the verge of terror.

  I rush into the bedroom and my first thought it… everything looks fine – romantic in fact. Candles lit, gentle music playing, the smell of Lucien’s shae butter oil in the air… everything looks fine until I spot Lucien standing in front of the bathroom door, his eyes wide with fear.

  “He’s locked it, he won’t let me in and I’m afraid to knock it down.”

  “Go away!” Jack screams from behind the closed door, his voice shrill with panic, “Please go away.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Nothing, Wench, nothing we haven’t done before – I kissed on him, massaged him a bit. He gave me permission… I only,” Lucien stops.

  “What?”

  He looks back at the door, “I won’t touch you there, Capaneus, I promise I’ll never…”

  “Go away!” Jack screams again.

  “Lucien go,” I order the large man.

  “Jaevia…”

  “You are not helping him!” I snap finally. I told Lucien to back off, that maybe Jack wasn’t ready for some things, but of course he didn’t listen because no one gets to tell Lucien Hari Ramzia that he cannot fix the world using his indomitable will alone.

  Lucien turns and leaves us; I feel
his pain at being sent away ricochet through the link… but I can’t stop to coddle Luey’s feelings – Jack needs me more right now.

  “Baby,” I whisper, “he’s gone, but you have to let me in.”

  “I want to be alone,” his voice is filled with heart shattering pain.

  “No, my love, no you don’t. You’re just ashamed and afraid to let me see you this way… but there is no shame that we cannot share. You’ve seen me at my worst, and you loved me then, as I love you now. Trust me Jack, you have to trust me.”

  I hear shifting behind the door and the door lock unlatch. I look behind me to make sure Luey is gone and take a few deep breaths to ground myself. Jack needs me to be at my best right now.

  No one needs to tell me what happened, Lucien pushed past a line he shouldn’t have and now Jack is having a nervous breakdown.

  I open the door, thinking that I was ready… I wasn’t. My beautiful vampire is sitting on the floor leaning on the wall of the infinity waterfall that’s currently turned off.

  His body folded into itself, hands covering his head, his knuckles and the backs of his hands – a bloody mess, complete with glass shards embedded in his skin and poking up.

  I look at the blood covered floor and realize that it’s mirror, not glass.

  Goddess help me, he’s shattered the large vanity mirror that was above the row of sinks. I close the door behind me and go kneel beside him, trying to be careful of the razor-sharp shards of mirror.

  His skin smells sickly, covered in a putrid sweat, his hair dripping with water, he’s naked… he’s still naked, I’m not sure why that part really bothers me. It makes him seem frail and exposed… it’s just too raw.

  “Shh, Jack, it’s okay,” I murmur gently, and urge him to turn into me and rest his head on my shoulder.

  “It’s not okay…” he whines low.

  I rub his back, “I know.”

  Because there is no point in lying or trying to convince him that what he’s feeling isn’t valid. Things aren’t okay for him, and right now we don’t know if they ever will be.