Dying to Be Slim

by Abby Beverley

  There had been a time when Billie had considered herself to be the ugly duckling, totally out of line with the other girls, because she was plumper than them, had needed a bra much earlier and had developed such bad acne. Just before she met Nick, however, she realised that most of these girls were simply jealous – not of the spots, granted, but of her recent gain in height and newly formed curves. Billie had dyed her hair blonde to enhance the point further: she was morphing into a swan.

  All very well, Billie considered, but even swans need support. She couldn’t recall ever seeing a swan swimming alone. She was going to have to tell Mam and Dad about the baby sooner or later… but not Nick. She couldn’t tell Nick or even name him. He’d get locked up on account of her being fifteen. She would have to lie to him and get him out of her life somehow. It almost seemed preferable to telling him that she had lied about her age and circumstances for almost a year. Why, though, did the thought of never seeing him again make her want to break into long, noisy sobs?

  Sod the online insults, that chuffin’ magazine article and the nosey adults in her life. She had a much bigger problem to worry about and, if the button that just popped off her skirt was anything to measure by, it was certainly a problem that wasn’t going to get any smaller this side of September.

  17

  Tuesday

  TINA

  Tina threw her bags onto the car seat, climbed in and reversed out of her parking space at St Jude’s. The flat on Mitchell Road was less than a ten minute drive away from the school but walking it took her a good three quarters of an hour. Walking was possible but undesirable, especially during the colder months. Tina always seemed to be carrying books or exam papers too. She would have to make sure she did all her marking at school when they moved to the new estate so that she could walk to and from work without being weighted down.

  Tina was looking forward to moving into the new house. She liked the idea of just crossing the road to get to school, although she did have a few misgivings about living in the same catchment area as her students. Some of her teacher friends had already bought houses on the estate and nobody had once complained about students, so it clearly wasn’t too problematic.

  Mikey had wanted to move a bit closer up the hill towards his mam and the Harriers’ Clubhouse but Tina wasn’t so keen. The houses up there were mostly council, ex-council or soulless flats like Guy’s. Tina wasn’t a snob but, since they were buying a house, she felt she wanted one they could eventually sell and maybe make some money on. Besides, she’d lived on Jubilee Terrace for the majority of her childhood and, in her opinion, it was never a good thing to move backwards.

  The view had almost swayed her. They’d looked at a house on the road between Jubilee Terrace and Hilltop Terrace, whose garden backed onto the same rural panorama as Clara’s. The house needed a lot of work, however, and, with a baby on the way, it didn’t seem such a good idea to back onto somewhere quite so steep, although other folk managed and the safety fences were always well-maintained.

  One street down from Guy seemed to be asking for trouble too, but she hadn’t mentioned that to Mikey. He had commented on the close proximity, however, and made it clear that he’d be quite keen to live near to family. Living on the street in between Guy and Jakey pretty much assured Mikey of a drinking buddy whenever he required one, not to mention the ‘joys’ of living across the way from the Harriers’. The only positive that Tina could come up with, apart from the view, was that they would no longer need taxis on New Year’s Eve.

  The queue out of St Jude’s was taking its time today, thought Tina. It looked as though someone in front had got their hazard lights on. Typical! Now she’d be stuck in her car when all she really wanted to do was to go home and relax. She’d been so tired lately too – she’d read that tiredness was one of the delights of pregnancy although she’d expected it in the later stages rather than in the first few months.

  As she sat strumming her fingers on the window rim, her phone vibrated in one of the bags on the passenger seat. It was a text from Guy.

  Have you left school yet? I could use a ride. x

  Tina replied that she was stuck at the front gate. Honestly! The cheek of the man!

  This is why she struggled to end things with Guy. He was in her life too much. If she was at work, he was there; if she was at anything family-related, he was there; even in her quieter moments, he’d often pop up in the chat box on her laptop.

  She’d ended it so many times. But then he’d be in front of her again, his pheromones fizzling in her direction. And each time, she would crumble like a cookie, letting him scoop her up until she felt whole again.

  It wasn’t as though she didn’t love Mikey. She adored Mikey. He and Marnie had been her best friends throughout school, college and adulthood. Mikey made her feel safe, comfortable, loved. Mikey was like the reliable car she could never part with, the one she wanted to travel in every day because it would never break down; because it had her stuff in the glove compartment; because she liked the look of it; because it suited her; because people would wave to her when she was in it. He was the car she wanted to strap her newborn baby into.

  But Guy… he was the open top sports car that broke the speed limit; the occasional but exhilarating drive away from it all. He was the fast ride that messed her hair up and made tears of excitement rush into her ears and words fly from her mouth into the wind without being heard. He made her dizzy.

  “What’s the hold-up?” he asked her, opening the door and sliding her bags onto the floor so that he could sit in the front seat.

  “I’m not sure. Someone’s hazards are blinking. Maybe they’ve broken down.”

  “I’d better go and see if they need a push,” he said, opening the door again.

  Some minutes later, he returned.

  “A few of us have pushed her to one side, so that she can wait for her breakdown people. You should be good to go now.”

  “Who was it?”

  “Your mate from English. Miss Coitus Interruptus!”

  “Faye Smythe?”

  “The very same. She stopped me taking you to heaven in the English store cupboard earlier today. The gods have obviously responded by choking her engine!”

  Tina smiled coquettishly as the traffic began to move.

  Before long, they drew up outside his flat on Hilltop Terrace.

  “Are you going to come in for a coffee then?” Guy winked.

  “Guy…” Tina always found him so difficult to let down.

  “Oh dear,” pouted Guy, “that’s your breaking up with me voice.”

  “Well, yes. Surely you realise now that it’s got to stop. Now that there’s going to be a baby.”

  “I would still fancy you, even if you grew the same size as Mam!”

  “It’s not about the way I’m going to look physically. It’s about my relationship with Mikey. He’s your brother for god’s sake! This has got to stop now and it has to stop forever.”

  Guy sighed.

  “I do get it, Tina. Really I do. But you and me… we’re so damn good together.”

  “Guy, things are changing. Mikey and I are making a fresh start in a new house with a new baby. Now is the best time for us to finish this.”

  “I see that. But… look, just come in for a coffee.”

  “No, Guy. Mikey will be awake by now and beginning to wonder where I am.”

  “Tell him you’ve gone to visit your mam. She’s only two roads down, after all.”

  “This is what I mean, Guy! It’s the lies, the deceit. I’m not coming in and it’s over with us.”

  Guy opened the car door and got out. Without looking back, he began walking up the path to his door.

  Tina sighed and turned off the ignition. She leapt out, locked up and followed him.

  “I’m so weak with you,” she whispered, as she fell into step with him.

  He took her tiny hand and squeezed it.

  The two Waterfalls plunged, once again, into their pool of
deceit.

  18

  Tuesday

  CLARA

  Clara had pretended to be asleep when Jakey arrived back from his day out much later that afternoon. The trouble with pretending to fall asleep is that Clara invariably did, then, fall asleep. The events of the day had not tired her own body but her mind was drained.

  When she awoke, the curtains were drawn and Jakey was sitting at the table typing something into his laptop.

  “Hey you,” said Jakey gently, closing the lid of the laptop. “You’ve been asleep for ages. Would you like some dinner? There’s some steak and kidney pie which I could heat up for you. You want it with some chips?”

  Clara looked at him reproachfully.

  “Your mam alright, is she?” Clara asked without taking her eyes from Jakey.

  “Well, she’s… um… well, the same, you know. She seemed to like the vanilla shortbread, even though she tried to put salt on it first. And, the toffee crunch cake… the staff ate that. They loved it.”

  Jakey stood up and stretched.

  “Clara, why are you looking at me like that? Have I got something smeared on my face?”

  Clara sighed.

  “No, no. I was just thinking about Billie.” Clara dropped her eyes down to break the challenge. What was the point? Who could blame him if he was meeting another woman? It wasn’t like he was getting much comfort at home.

  Jakey nodded, recalling Clara’s concerns.

  “Yes. You said this morning that you were worried about her. What’s it all about?”

  “She’s having some problems at school,” Clara responded.

  “How do you know this?” asked Jakey. “Has she confided in you?”

  “Not really, but I had a chat today with her Head of Year.”

  “Did she ring you?”

  “No Jakey, I hitched a ride down to the school and demanded to see her!” Clara’s sarcasm hid the truth. She hated lying, especially to Jakey, even if he was lying right back at her about his visits to Leicester.

  Jakey looked hurt. He pulled a dining table chair up next to Clara and held her hand.

  “Sorry,” he whispered, stroking her knuckles with his thumb. “Tell me what this is all about.”

  Clara felt terrible that she couldn’t just blurt out her own problems: that she was suffering delusions which were entwined with reality, that she suspected him of having an affair, that her eldest daughter was going on a photo shoot with a man that wasn’t her husband, and that she had seen her daughter-in-law kissing the wrong son. She tried, instead, to focus on Billie.

  “Billie’s being bullied on the internet and has started missing days off school,” she explained. “Apparently it’s going to affect her GCSE results if she keeps on skiving.”

  “OK,” Jakey gulped. “None of that sounds too good. And what did the school suggest?”

  “She had to go and see Guy so that they can nail the little witches who are bothering her. And I said we’d speak to her tonight.”

  “Yes, that would be the best thing to do,” agreed Jakey. “I wonder where she’s been going when she’s not been at school then? I’d know if she was hanging out at home all day because I often go into her room, even if it’s just to pick up the dirty washing or take clean laundry in. The airing cupboard is in her room, as I expect you recall.”

  Clara and Jakey both looked dismally at one another.

  “Shall I go and call her then?” Jakey said eventually.

  Clara nodded so Jakey went to the bottom of the stairs where he shouted Billie’s name. Since no response came, he disappeared upstairs to find her.

  While she waited for Jakey to return with Billie, Clara decided to open the letter from the hospital that Marnie had picked up off the doormat that morning.

  It appeared to be a routine check-up but needed to be conducted out of Hawpeak. Clara frowned, knowing that she’d have to be wheeled into a bariatric ambulance or, worse, be transferred into it on a reinforced stretcher. Either way, the neighbours would all get a good look – something she’d tried hard to deny them for the past six years. It was one thing being interviewed for a magazine article on her terms (or what she thought had been her terms) but waddling out into the street was nothing short of abject humiliation.

  It looked as though an MRI scan was needed, which is why they couldn’t do it at home. She put the letter down the side of her chair as Jakey came back into the living room with a rather sleepy looking Billie.

  “Hey there, sweetie,” crooned Clara to Billie.

  Billie gave a half-smile, half-glare.

  Jakey sat down on the settee and tapped the cushion next to him. Billie sat down obediently.

  “Bills…” began Jakey. “Your mam’s chatted to one of your teachers today on the phone…”

  “Mrs Lambert,” clarified Clara.

  “Mrs Lambert, yes.” Jakey confirmed. “She says there’s been a problem with some bullying on the internet and also that you’ve been skipping school. Can you tell us if that’s true?”

  “Yes and no.” Billie answered.

  “Billie…” warned Clara, “that’s not very helpful.”

  Billie sighed.

  “Yes, I’ve been skipping school and no, the cyberbullying isn’t a problem. There is some bullying but it isn’t a problem to me. Their immature, hateful words mean nothing.”

  “Oh!” exclaimed Clara, “so the bullying’s not making you skip school?”

  “No,” said Billie. “The other girls are just jealous. They think they know stuff but they know nothing about me.”

  “What sort of stuff, darling,” wheedled Jakey, who clearly felt unsure about how to handle the situation.

  “Look Mam, Dad…” Billie began.

  Both parents let her speak without interruption.

  “I met someone about a year ago. A boy. We’ve been meeting up odd days. It’s been hard what with trying to help look after Mam but he’s in a similar situation too. He understands what it’s like. We’ve had to meet up on week days mostly. Days when I was supposed to be at school. I’ve been stopping over too. At his, I mean. In his room… in his bed.”

  Billie stared intently at her thumbnails.

  “I didn’t bring him here ever because he thinks I’m older. He thinks I’m seventeen. I can’t tell you his name. I don’t want him to get done by the police.”

  Jakey knew the answer before he asked the question: “Done for what?”

  Billie parted her cardigan and ran her hand across her growing bump.

  Clara’s hand flew to her mouth and Jakey stood up, rubbing his forehead roughly with his fingers. He turned on Billie.

  “Who is it? What’s his name? Where is he? I’ll knock his bloody block off!”

  Billie began to cry.

  “Billie… come over here, love. I need to hold you,” implored Clara.

  Billie threw herself into her mother’s arms, sobbing.

  “It’s quite far on Mam. It’s due in the autumn.”

  “Jakey, calm down,” mouthed Clara over Billie’s shoulder. “You’ll do yourself a mischief. We’ve got enough on our plate here without worrying about you having a heart attack. Go and make some tea or something.”

  “Don’t just dismiss me!” Jakey shouted. “She’s my sodding daughter too!”

  “You need to calm down. No good’ll come of anything if you keep yelling and stamping. What Billie needs now is a bit of love and support.”

  “She’s had enough bloody love by the sounds of things! And who’ll support it, eh? Not the dickhead who put it there, that’s for sure! He’ll get off scot free, you just watch.”

  Jakey let out a cry of frustration. “You’re all the bloody same, you women! First flash of a few muscles and you’re all ‘take me, take me’. You were the same with that pratt from the youth club.”

  “Vic was your mate!” Clara exclaimed.

  “I wasn’t the one who mated with him though. I didn’t get myself up the duff with a pair of babies within minu
tes of meeting him! Gah, sod this! I’m going down the pub.”

  Jakey grabbed his jacket from the peg in the hall and slammed the front door hard behind him.

  “Sorry, Mam!” sobbed Billie into her mother’s neck.

  “Ssshh… it’s ok, love. Dry your eyes now. Nobody’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

  Billie nodded through her post crying double-breaths.

  “C… can I k… keep it?” she stuttered.

  Clara squeezed her gently and ran her hand down Billie’s long, blonde hair.

  “We wouldn’t have it any other way, love. Now, how about you go and get me some nachos and cheese? I’m a bit peckish after all this drama. Perhaps some hot chocolate to calm us both down nicely before bed too. There’s some double cream in the fridge because I had some on top of my apple pie and custard yesterday. You could whip it up and put it on top of the hot chocolate.”

  As Billie headed into the kitchen to rustle up some supper, Clara sighed and wondered if it was possible for things to get any worse.

  “Mam, do you fancy sharing a slab of chocolate too? We could dunk it or I could grate it over the cream?”

  “All of the above!” yelled Clara, without hesitation.

  Forever optimistic, Clara decided that, with chocolate on the way, the day might just start to improve before bedtime.

  19

  Tuesday

  TINA

  Tina yawned and opened one eye slowly. It gradually focused on a clock which gave the time as twenty past eight.

  Eight twenty!

  “Oh shit!” shouted Tina. She sat up, dazed. Her first thought was that she was late for work. Registration was at half past – she’d never make it in time! She sat up and scrabbled around for her phone on the bedside table but she couldn’t find it.