Come Back To What You Know

by Kyra Lennon

  You. Are. Not. Psychic. Keep talking to him.

  Me: What's been going on?

  I kept seeing the symbol that he was typing, but it kept stopping and starting, like he was deleting his words and re-typing them. The knot in my stomach grew tighter with every passing minute, and I took a long gulp from the bottle of water beside my bed, trying to settle the unease.

  Brayden: I met someone.

  Just like that, the feeling of nausea intensified, and a shiver rippled down my spine. I stared at the words, hoping maybe I'd misread them. Because... why would he have met someone? Right now. Right when I was just a few months from going home. He'd done nothing but tell me how happy he was that I'd be home in time for Christmas, and that we'd spend some of it together. And now? There was someone else?

  Brayden: Charley? Are you still there?

  I needed another moment, but eventually, I moved my shaking hands over the keyboard.

  Me: I'm here.

  Brayden: Please say something.

  Me: I don't really know what to say.

  Brayden: Charley, I know we waited all this time and I do still really want to see you, but I met Rachel and I just... I like her a lot.

  Ouch. The sting of tears in my eyes made me blink. I didn't want them to fall. What right did I have to cry? I had no claim over him, not really. Just because we'd made plans to meet up when I got home, didn't mean he was mine. He was free to see who he wanted, just as I was. That was why we’d decided not to promise each other anything, after all.

  Except... I never wanted anyone else. Never looked.

  Brayden: I'm sorry.

  Now it was my turn to hesitate. My fingers started to type words born from hurt, words that would explain that sorry wasn't good enough, not when my heart had tied itself to his and he'd given every indication that he felt the same. But those words weren't fair. And they weren't who I wanted to be. I'd suffer silently, break my own heart before I'd lash out.

  Me: You don't need to apologise.

  Brayden: You're not upset?

  I choked on a silent sob. Was that arrogance coming from him? Or was he merely checking I was okay with all this?

  Me: I'm... I don't know.

  He didn't reply, but he didn't go offline, and I figured he was waiting for me to elaborate. Which was hard to do when my hands were trembling. So I took a deep breath.

  Me: I'm a little disappointed. But it's okay. I mean, we've never had much luck when it comes to meeting up, have we?

  Brayden: Lol, no. Not really. I do still want to see you when you come home. Would that be okay?

  Wow. If there was anything that suggested he didn't care as much as I did, this was it. How could he if he would be okay sitting opposite me at some coffee shop, talking casually and not wanting to reach out, to kiss me, to do all the things we’d always talked about? I swallowed hard.

  Me: Sure. I'd like that.

  Literally couldn't think of anything worse. Screw it. While I'm here trying to be grown-up about it...

  Me: I'm happy for you, Brayden. If you like her and she likes you, then you should see where it goes.

  Brayden: Thank you for understanding. You and me... we'll stay friends, won't we?

  In that moment, the word friend sounded like the worst thing in the world. It was a slap in the face. A hammer to everything I thought we could have.

  Me: Of course.

  The first tear dripped onto my phone screen and I quickly wiped it away as if he could see it. As if he'd know. And I couldn't let him know.

  Brayden: Cool. We'll talk soon, okay?

  Me: Sure. Bye, Brayden.

  Brayden: Bye.

  I blew out another long breath before dropping my phone onto the bed beside me, that feeling of stunned numbness still strong.

  I did the 'right thing'. The 'right thing' was to tell him I was happy for him. That I was pleased he'd found someone he wanted to be with.

  Except it wasn't. The right thing, I mean. Because while I was wishing him well and telling him the 'right things', my heart was fracturing in my chest with every word I typed. Yes, I wanted him to be happy. That was one of the foundations of friendship – wanting the best for the person you care about. It wasn't disingenuous, but what was disingenuous was pretending that my emotions weren't fraying and my chest didn't ache with every breath I took. That I didn't still want him as much as I did that very first time I saw his face. Heard his voice. Pictured us together.

  But what good would telling him do? If he wanted to be with her, me telling him I was hurting wasn't going to change anything. He'd pity me for getting too attached to someone I never really knew. Sure, he'd feel bad for a while, but then he'd see her, and it wouldn't matter anymore.

  I wouldn't matter.

  The twist in my guts prompted another downfall of tears, and as I watched each splash drip onto my duvet, I hated myself. I hated the feelings I had. I hated that I'd gotten my hopes up for nothing. I hated that I'd allowed myself to believe that this was real. That someone like him would ever be interested in someone like me. I hated Becky for ever mentioning his name.

  I hated that girl.

  But him? I couldn't hate him.

  Is that what love is? Knowing that, no matter how much someone hurt you, you still only want the best for them? God, how much easier would it have been if he was an asshole? If he'd been malicious and said something appalling about how he was just using me until someone better came along. But even if he had said it, he wouldn't have meant it. That wasn't who he was. I wouldn't have fallen for someone like that.

  Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I pulled myself out of bed, eager for a large mug of coffee. I'd take it back to my room and hide under the covers for the rest of the day. Or at least, that was the plan until I saw Evelyn sitting on the sofa in her PJs, holding her own cup of coffee. She turned around as she heard my footsteps, took one look at my face and said, "What's wrong?"

  It was way too soon after Brayden's revelation to even attempt to put on a brave face. "I... Brayden... he's met someone."

  Evelyn's eyes widened and she must have seen the pain ripping through my body because she quickly put her drink to the table and rushed towards me, leading my sobbing form to the sofa.

  "I don't understand," she said. "What... How?"

  I managed to tell her as much as I knew, because I sure as hell hadn't wanted the details. When? Where? None of it mattered. What mattered was that he'd given up on us before we'd had a chance to try.

  "He asked me to come home," I said, after I'd finished explaining. "And I was going to go. I was going to pack up and go home because I thought we could make it happen this time. I'm an idiot."

  The tears dripped down my cheeks, and Evelyn grabbed me and hugged me tight, trying to hold together the pieces of me that were slowly falling apart.

  "He's an idiot," she said. "How the hell could he do this to you? Fuck. He's been messaging and calling you all year, and now... now he's met someone else? I hope you told him he's a total dick."

  My heart sank farther in my chest. And that was the dumbest part of all. A normal person would have told him that. A normal person would have bitched him out for making him fall for them and then taking away the safety net at the last second.

  "He made me think I matter, Ev. He made me think I was important."

  "You are important, honey."

  "Not to him. Not now."

  "Charley, you... you're going to be the biggest regret of his life. The best thing he never had."

  "I'm nothing, Evelyn. This whole year he made me think I meant something to him, and... he knew. He knew I was coming home and then..." I shook my head, my heart aching because... this new girl. She must really have been something special if she managed to get his attention so easily. Me? I'd been fighting for almost twelve full months for just a chance to see him. She swooped in out of nowhere, and just like that, he didn't care if he ever saw me again. All the plans and promises we made had gone up in smoke, floating away ab
ove the clouds, never to be seen again.

  "Please don't say that." Evelyn stroked my hair as I cried on her shoulder. "You're not nothing."

  "I must be. I wasn't worth just a couple more months' wait." Blinking, I wiped at my eyes. "God, I wish I'd never started talking to him again when I got here. This is my own fault. I shouldn't have hung so much hope on this. On him."

  "Don't." Evelyn pushed me back slightly so she could look into my watery eyes. "Don't do that to yourself. It's not fair. He was a part of this. He was the one who asked you to go home. Told you how much he wanted to see you, take you out. He told you how much he wanted to be with you, right?"

  All I could do was nod, as the painful reminder of his words stabbed at me like a thousand knives puncturing my heart. He had said those things. He'd sounded genuine. And I couldn't bring myself to believe he wasn't at the time. But now? If he could give all those promises up so easily? I can't have been worth a whole lot.

  "There is one good thing to come out of this," Evelyn said, with a small grin. I furrowed my brow. "You didn't refuse the offer to stay here. That means, if you wanted to, you could stay for another year."

  Funny. I'd already started to dread the idea of going home. Yes, my family were there, and I had good friends in the UK too, but... Brayden had been the reason for around ninety percent of my desperation to leave Chicago. Now? I didn't know. And I didn't care in that moment. All I wanted to do was cry my heart out for the man I'd been willing to give everything to.

  Chapter 10

  Charley

  The day Brayden told me he was seeing someone else honestly felt like the longest day of my life. Evelyn tried all she could to make me feel better, but... for me, it wasn't just about losing the chance to date a guy. Brayden was never "just a guy" to me. I felt, right in the depths of my soul, that he and I were supposed to be together. And I'd honestly thought he felt it too. That strange tug I always felt right before he messaged me... that odd feeling I got when something wasn't quite right with him. I'd never had that before. Never even heard of anyone sharing that level of connection with someone. Caring so much about someone I’d only met once still made me feel like a loser, though. Made me internally berate myself for being so idiotic as to believe that kind of connection was real.

  What was worse though, was knowing that, as much as he'd try to stay in touch with me, I wasn't sure I could handle it. How was I meant to just be buddies with him when I'd wanted so much more? How was I supposed to "like" his social media posts when he inevitably started posting photos of the two of them together? Just the thought made my insides shrivel up.

  But worse than all of those things were the unspoken words still left in my heart. I'd wanted to wait. I'd wanted to be able to look into his eyes to tell him how much I felt for him. How much it had hurt to be so far from him when all I wanted was a chance to be held by him, to feel his lips and his body against mine. My heart was weighed down with it all and I couldn't tell him any of it, not now. He'd pity me for being so pathetic.

  I knew there was no hope of sleep for me that night. Not with so many thoughts rushing around my head. It was midnight when I pulled out a pen and a notepad and started to write.

  Brayden,

  This is all going to come out as a big mess because, honestly, my head is all over the place. Has been since we first started talking, really. I know this will all sound crazy because, when you take it right back, all we ever were was friends. I'm not screwed up enough not to realise the true reality, but my reality? It's a little different. I think I fell for you the second I saw your face. Becky said you felt it too, but she's my friend. Maybe she was just so excited about the possibility of playing Cupid that she overplayed the situation. Maybe you were never as into me as I was into you.

  But then... that doesn't ring true either. Not from the things you said, and the things you promised. Today, I've gone over every conversation we ever had. Tried to find some sign that you're nothing but a liar. Or maybe just a people pleaser. Words on a screen, they can fool people. They often do. The words you said to me when we saw each other, and when we spoke on the phone, though... they felt real.

  Now, I just don't know anymore. You moved on. And that's great for you, because you probably won't even think of me. Soon, you'll forget about the girl you promised everything to. Somehow, I have to do the same. I have to find a way to box up the things I wanted and store them away. I don't want to forget you, but I need to move on the way you have because the pain is going to cripple me otherwise.

  In spite of everything I've said, there's just one more thing. The thing that will make getting over you so much harder.

  I love you.

  And when I say I love you, it's mostly platonic. Right now, it can't be anything else. But... there will always be a bit of those words that means something more. You'll always have a piece of my heart, and that's okay, because, no matter what... I know you'll always look after it.

  Teardrops splashed onto the page, distorting the words and creating valleys of blue ink. It didn't matter, because I was never going to let him see the words anyway. They were for me. My first attempt at healing. I wasn't a fool. It would take more than that for me to forget about Brayden, but there was no point in wallowing, leaving those words unwritten in my head, because, up there, they'd only fester and turn into something ugly. Turn me into something ugly. Something bitter. That wasn't me. I had to learn to let him go. It was going to take time.

  But I had to start somewhere.

  Chapter 11

  Brayden

  Telling Charley about Rachel was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Not least because, even when I was telling her about Rachel, my brain was screaming at me that I was a fucking idiot. That I was being the kind of weak dickhead who sabotages himself because he got scared.

  And I was scared. Months back, when Charley had said she was considering staying in Chicago, I’d started to panic. She’d said she wouldn’t sign the new contract, but there was still a small part of me that was torn over it. Over all of it. Was I being selfish in asking her to come home? What if she came back and she resented me eventually because she’d wanted more time in America? What if we just couldn’t make it work?

  Instead of doing the smart thing and talking to her about how I felt and what she really wanted, I freaked out. I was never afraid to talk about anything with her, but this? Somewhere inside me, I was worried that, one day, she’d tell me I was selfish for asking her to come back, and it played on my mind until it drove me crazy.

  In spite of all that, I didn’t plan to ruin everything by getting with Rachel. At least, not consciously. I met her on a night out, and while I didn’t start out ever expecting to see her again, she asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee and… that was that.

  Yeah, I know that makes me sound like an asshole. It wasn’t that I’d changed my mind about Charley, more that I couldn’t stop thinking that she might change her mind about me. She was far away, on this huge adventure, and what was I? Some loser who worked for a local newspaper. Didn’t compare to the things she was doing in Chicago. She told me about them all the time. I loved hearing about it, but it was the excitement in her voice and on her face that got me questioning everything.

  And then, when I’d told Charley about Rachel, all she’d said was that she was ‘a little disappointed’. All that did to my head was tell me she couldn’t have cared that much anyway.

  She probably wanted to stay where she was, and now she had an out.

  Yeah. You just keep telling yourself that.

  Chapter 12

  Charley

  Twelve Months Ago

  "This. Is. Awesome!"

  Evelyn jumped up and down to the music, the biggest grin plastered to her face, and I couldn't help but smile too. Inside, I was as excited as she was, but I was still a tad too overwhelmed to fully comprehend my surroundings.

  Two months had passed since Brayden broke my heart. And in those two months, I still hadn't managed to
shake him from my system, no matter how hard I tried. I'd moved on as best as I could, but that final string that had firmly tethered itself to him refused to sever. I'd been through every emotion in existence over the past couple of months, and my insides still felt raw from it all. The lowest point was seeing that first photo of the two of them. They were at the beach on what looked like a freezing cold day. Both of them wore scarves, and she wore a hat that made her look ridiculously cute. She was so pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and this incredible smile showing off perfect white teeth. I was too hurt to join in with all the well-wishers, congratulating him on finding someone. Perhaps it was a bit petty, but I had already wished him well and I couldn't force myself to pretend I was okay with him being with her. Not when it felt like I was falling apart.

  I'd had an awful conversation with my mum shortly after I saw that photo, telling her I was going to stay in Chicago for another year. Perhaps it was weak of me to stay away to avoid having to face up to my issues, but if I stayed in America, I had guaranteed employment for another twelve months, and more time to experience things I might not have had the chance to experience at home. My mother was furious, not helped by the fact that flights home were grounded from Chicago because of bad weather so I couldn’t even get home for Christmas. I missed her and my family, but I had to start making decisions based on what I wanted and needed. The last time I allowed someone else's opinion to influence my choices, I'd gotten my heart stomped on. Lesson learned.

  And that was how it came to be that I was standing in Times Square with Evelyn, Lewis, and Luca on New Year's Eve. The four of us had decided we needed to see the year out in style, and none of us had been to New York before, so we took a two day road trip to the city and spent a couple of days doing the tourist thing before New Year's Eve.

  I couldn't have wished for a better few days. Leaving the confines of my apartment and getting out to see different places gave me the breath of fresh air I needed to remind me who I was, and that there was still plenty of life and laughter inside me. The four of us took selfies in the most random of places as we stopped off along the way, and we went to as many New York tourist spots as we could fit into our time. Our hotel, although reasonably cheap considering the time of year, was amazing. We'd opted to share one large room to cut down on the costs – and it wasn't nearly as cramped as I'd expected. There was plenty of space for us all to spread out.