Come Back To What You Know

by Kyra Lennon

  Drawing in a deep breath, I pulled up the message.

  Me: Hey Brayden. What's up?

  When my phone rang, another shiver ran through me. I hadn't heard his voice in months. Would it still affect me the way it always did? I hoped not, because I needed to rid myself of those feelings, and I couldn't if I still got all tingly just from hearing him.

  I scooped my phone up from the table. "Hi."

  "Charley. Hi. How are you?"

  Yup, Still the same reaction. My stomach fluttered, and I stood up and went to my room, settling myself on my bed before answering.

  "I'm good. You?"

  There was a long pause, and I eventually looked at my phone's screen, just in case we'd been cut off. Nope. Still there.

  "Brayden?"

  He sighed. "I'm sorry. I've wanted to call you for weeks, but I didn't know what to say, and as it turns out, I still don't. I just... I needed to hear your voice."

  At his words, my insides began to untie themselves from the knots they were in, but at the same time, I couldn't afford to let my guard down. Talking to him was one thing, but getting close to him again? That was different.

  Oh God. What if he wants to ask me for advice about his girlfriend?

  "What's going on, Brayden?"

  "I broke up with Rachel a few weeks ago."

  "Oh."

  I couldn't tell him I was sorry. That wasn't to say I was happy to hear he might be in any kind of pain. I didn't want that for him. But he didn't sound like he was heartbroken. He just sounded... awkward.

  "Charley, I've really screwed up. And I've been screwing up for months. Since I met Rachel, really."

  I tucked my legs underneath me and shuffled back into the corner, picking up a pillow to hold on to. I wasn't sure where this conversation was going to go, and I needed something to grip, just in case it got uncomfortable.

  "What do you mean?" I asked quietly.

  "I thought I liked her. I mean, I did like her. She's a nice girl, but... I... I couldn't stop thinking about you."

  My breath caught in my throat, and I was glad because I didn't want to speak. I needed to hear what he had to say.

  "I had a good time with her. She was fun, and she was perfectly nice, but... sometimes, when we were doing something totally mundane, like sitting in a coffee shop, I'd find myself imagining how it would be different if I was with you. Christmas was weird. I was supposed to be out on Christmas Eve with you. I was supposed to be exchanging gifts with you on Christmas Day, and maybe going for a walk on Boxing Day before going into a pub for a quick drink. And New Year's Eve? Charley... I know you saw that photo. I know you did. I was fucking slaughtered, and I didn't realise I'd been tagged in it until the middle of the next day when I woke up. I saw your photos in New York, and it looked amazing. You looked so happy, and I just thought... I thought you were done with me, and I wouldn't blame you if you were because I messed up."

  I could barely breathe. His words... knowing he'd felt the way I felt... it made me feel better and worse at the same time. Better to know it wasn't just me, and that the things he'd said had meant something, but worse because I didn't want to think of him feeling as low as I did. Although, probably not that low. At least he was getting laid.

  "Why did you do it?" I asked quietly. "Why, when I was so close to coming home?"

  "I put so much thought into being with you. I was thinking about you all the time. But I was afraid you didn’t really want to come back. You already had that job offer and..."

  "I was going to turn it down. I told you I would."

  "But you're still there. You didn't turn it down. And maybe you didn't because you needed a safety net."

  I wanted to blast him because his words didn't feel fair, but they were. I hadn't turned down the job right away, and part of that was because I was a little afraid too. Of all the things that could go wrong. But if he hadn't met Rachel, I would have gone home. I wouldn't have backed out because of fear.

  "I had a safety net, but I wouldn't have used it if you hadn't forced me to. I was coming home."

  There was a long, excruciating pause. “Charley, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I know I did. I know I have no right to ask you if we can start again but... can we?"

  I wasn’t sure how to answer. What did that even mean? Starting from where? From now, like nothing ever happened, or from the day we promised each other nothing, potentially leading us right back to where we’d ended up?

  I pulled my phone from my ear to switch to speakerphone and jumped when I saw he was trying to connect to my camera.

  I needed that. I needed to see him, so I pressed the button.

  His beautiful face filled the screen, but he looked different. His eyes, usually sparkling the brightest blue were dull and tired. Dejected.

  Unshed tears made my eyes itch. I hadn’t seen him in so long. Hadn’t even heard his voice in months, and there he was. Right there. Showing me the truth about how bad he felt. It was radiating from him so strongly – the hope and the regret – that I could feel it even from so far away.

  “Brayden,” I whispered, my voice shaky.

  “Charley, please,” he said, blinking as if to keep tears from falling. His voice was thick with emotion. “I really… there aren’t enough words to explain to you how much I wish I hadn’t made you doubt the way I feel about you. I should never have said that we shouldn’t promise each other anything because I want to promise you everything. I did that night, and I still do now. I want that skate in the park we talked about. I want movie nights together, eating takeaways and laughing about stupid stuff the way we always do when we speak on the phone. I want a life with you in it. I want you.”

  A warm tear dripped down my cheek, dropping onto my hand. I never thought I would get a moment like this with him. I thought we were done. Or at least, I thought he was done with me. My feelings for him had never left. Even if him seeing someone else had shattered me, there was no denying the truth in what he was saying now.

  "I love you, Brayden. I am so in love with you that sometimes I can't sit still. It's like the feeling of loving you is alive inside my veins. God, sometimes I feel like I could explode. Even now. After everything."

  I hadn't meant to let those words fall from my lips so easily, but they'd been stuck inside me for so long, I couldn't stop them. Didn't want to. Because if those words scared him, then there was never going to be a chance for us. Never. If he felt even half of what I felt for him, he wouldn't be scared.

  "Charley," he breathed. "I love you too. Please. Can we please give us a try? For real this time?"

  Chapter 15

  Brayden

  There was a long pause. Even though she’d just told me she loved me, that didn’t mean she’d return to the U.K. It didn’t mean she wanted to do anything about those feelings other than try to get rid of them. And I would have deserved that too.

  The fact was, I’d screwed up everything we had, and I’d spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how to move on from her.

  But I couldn’t. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I tortured myself over and over about what a freaking idiot I’d been to let my thoughts and worries get the best of me. Honestly, if she’d told me she never wanted to hear from me again, it would have all been my own fault.

  “Bray.” She sighed, and her brown eyes shone with tears. “You hurt me. I was ready to give up what I have here because I wanted to be with you more than anything. I believed you wanted that too, but then you pulled the rug right out from underneath me, and I… it just really hurt.”

  My heart throbbed in my chest because I could hear it in her voice and see it on her face. She was still hurt. Even though she was listening, that didn’t erase how I’d made her feel.

  “I know. I just… at the time you seemed kind of okay with it and-”

  “What did you expect?” she asked, wiping her eyes with her sleeve then tucking her hand inside. “I couldn’t exactly tell you I w
asn’t happy about it, could I? No promises, remember? I thought if I told you I hated it then you’d think I was a bunny boiler.”

  I laughed at her phrasing, and she chuckled too. “I wouldn’t have thought that.”

  She shrugged.

  “Charley, if I could go back to the night we met, I would have done a lot of things differently. I would have got to you earlier, and I would have left later because I wanted more time. I’ll always want more time. And I would never have made that no promises rule.”

  “I wanted to make the promise too,” she said. “I thought by doing that, it would keep me safe. Stop me from expecting too much and from getting my heart broken. I guess that didn’t really work out.”

  I closed my eyes, wishing there was a way I could just go back and make my idiot brain not doubt everything. Make myself believe in what I actually already knew.

  Charley was everything.

  “Let me fix it,” I said. Her eyes locked on to mine. “I’ve been a fucking idiot. I panicked over stupid things when I should have just told you what I was thinking, and now I know better. I should have always known better. I just… I made a mistake. I just want to fix it.”

  I didn’t take my eyes from hers as I waited. I could see from her expression that she was weighing it all up. Thinking over all I’d said and done and deciding whether I was worth another shot.

  “What are you really asking?” she said eventually. “What do you want?”

  “You. Us. I want everything we should be having right now.”

  “And until I get home?”

  “The answer is the same. I’m ready to make the promise now. I always was.”

  Chapter 16

  Charley

  Present

  "So... that's the story," I say, feeling a bit sick at having gone over it all again. Re-living all of that pain only served to make my questions and concerns loud again.

  "So why are you so nervous?" Anita asks. "Sounds like it's meant to be."

  "Because... what if I'm wrong? What if... what if he's just another guy? My next ex-boyfriend."

  She raises an eyebrow. "You're very pessimistic for one so young. Let me tell you something from my years of experience. What you have with him is a connection. You can't feel something so strong without it being reciprocated. It just doesn't happen."

  "But... he met someone else. Right when I was due to go home. Even though I still feel our connection, a huge part of me is so scared. Because if he did that, if he met someone else before, maybe I wasn't that important, and even though he makes me feel like I am... what if I'm not?"

  "Listen. Men are idiots. Even the best ones. Maybe he met her and thought he felt a connection with her. Or... maybe he was every bit as afraid as you. Men can be pretty cowardly when there's a chance their hearts might get broken. Women, I think, more than men, will put themselves out there in the hope that it will work out, but men? Most of them don't work that way. He might just have been afraid the way you are now, that after waiting so long, you might not have felt as strongly as he did, so he moved on to a relationship that wouldn't break his heart."

  Anita's words pretty much back up everything Brayden said to me when he called me that day. And I did believe him. We've spent so much time talking since then. At the start, I wasn't sure it would ever be the same. How could it be when he'd screwed with my trust, messed with my feelings, and let me down? For a few weeks, I didn't promise him anything. That link I felt to him hadn't weakened in any way; I still felt him, felt his feelings and his moods and his presence. But what had weakened was my unrelenting belief that he wouldn't hurt me. Last year, I wouldn't have doubted him for a moment, and it took a long time to allow myself to believe that, this time, we'll do everything we want to and more. As the months passed though, the trust was rebuilt. In many ways, it feels stronger this time, because we both know what we almost lost. This time, we aren’t willing to give up.

  **

  It feels like forever before we finally touch down at Heathrow airport. The moment the plane bumps down to earth, the reality of everything smacks me in the face again. In twenty-four hours, on Christmas Eve, I’m going to see him.

  Holy crap.

  Anita smiles at me as she stands up, and people begin to gather their belongings and disembark. "Relax. This is going to be everything you want it to be. I can feel it."

  I let out a small laugh. "What makes you so sure?"

  "Because you've told me the good parts and the ugly parts of what you and Brayden have been through. You haven't sugarcoated it. You've looked at it from a mature, intelligent perspective. He loves you, Charley. Any guy who goes to the trouble of admitting he was wrong isn't just messing around with you."

  I carry her words with me as I drift on autopilot off the plane and into the airport.

  I follow the crowds, keeping my mind occupied by wondering who the people around me will be meeting as they walk through the gate and into the arrival area. Will there be loved ones waiting for them? Husbands, wives, parents, children. Maybe some of them are in London on business and will be whisked away in a posh company car. I wonder if any of them have been away for as long as me. Or if some have arrived to spend a long time away from their homes in Chicago.

  All of these thoughts keep me busy, and before I know it, I'm there. My nerves kick in again and my palms begin to sweat as I look between the groups of people finding their friends and families, all of them hugging and kissing each other, to seek out my mum and my brother, Dylan. I’m pretty sure he’ll be here under duress. He’s twenty and rarely does anything involving family anymore.

  In an ideal world, Brayden would be here to greet me. The big movie finish where he’d sweep me off my feet and tell me how he’d never let me go again.

  But we’d both decided meeting at the park where we spent our first and last Christmas Eve together was entirely more romantic. Besides, Mum has booked the three of us into a hotel in London for the night before driving us home in the morning. As much as my own bed sounds amazing, the travelling was tiring, and I’m ready for some rest.

  “Charley!”

  My mum’s shout catches my attention, and before I know what’s happening, she’s charging at me, gloved hands outstretched to hug me. I can’t stop laughing at the excitement on her face, and as we collide and wrap our arms around each other, she says, “You’re really back. I’m so happy to see you!”

  The warmth of my mum’s hugs has always been one of my favourite things, but it’s not really until that moment I realise just how much I missed her.

  “I’m happy to see you too,” I tell her, squeezing her tight.

  Over her shoulder, Dylan is walking towards us, and even he is grinning. “All right, big sis,” he says, giving me a cool punch on the arm.

  I narrow my eyes, still smiling, and let go of my mum. “Come here, squirt!” I pull him in to me for a hug, and he laughs.

  “Squirt? I’ve been taller than you for years!”

  “Whatever. Just give me a cuddle!”

  Dylan’s arms circle around me, and even though I already miss Evelyn, Lewis, and Luca, the joy of being home fills me up.

  “Come on,” Mum says. “Let’s get to the hotel. We’re already checked in.”

  That’s a relief. All that faffing around in a queue, giving your details and waiting for your key and instructions for the wi-fi is a hassle, especially when tired. All I want to do is get in, have a long soak in the tub, and then go to bed. Even if it is only four in the afternoon.

  **

  The hotel Mum booked us into is right by Hyde Park, where Winter Wonderland is set up. I can’t help but smile as I look out of the window to see the twinkling lights of fairground rides and stalls. The smells wafting over from the food stands as we entered the hotel—hot chocolate, mulled wine, mince pies—it was all enough to make my mouth water. Mum used to bring Dylan and me to Winter Wonderland when we were younger, so it’s nice to reminisce and see it all again.

  “Don’t
just stand there by the window, Charley,” Mum says, and I turn to look at her, noticing she and Dylan haven’t taken off their coats yet. I mean, I haven’t either, but I was too busy looking at the view.

  “What?” I ask, frowning slightly. “What are you talking about?”

  Mum beams. “We’re going to Winter Wonderland right now!”

  Groaning, I say, “Really? Mum, I’ve been on a plane for hours. Can’t we go tomorrow?”

  “We won’t have time tomorrow. We have to get back because I have to get everything ready for Christmas Day.” She smiles again. “What are you waiting for?”

  “Yeah, come on, Charley,” Dylan adds with a smirk. “It’ll be fun to watch you throw up after going on the rides!”

  I glare at him, but even though my body just wants to rest, a small part of me really wants to go and enjoy some family time in a place where we have so many memories.

  “Okay, fine,” I say. “Just give me ten minutes.”

  I freshen up in record time, quickly changing out of my flight clothes into something clean, brushing my hair, splashing some cold water on my face to revive me, and then pulling my coat and shoes back on. It’s dark outside, which only makes the lights seem brighter, and perked up now, we all head out.

  It's just as magical as I remember it. So many happy faces. So much laughter and joy as kids run around, trying to get their parents to buy them sweets and gifts. Couples walk hand in hand, looking around in awe. The cool evening air has woken me up and given me a new surge of energy. I link arms with my mum, and she grins at me.

  “It’s great to have you back, love,” she says.

  “It’s great to be back,” I tell her. And I really mean it. Not just because I’ll get to see Brayden tomorrow, though, of course, that is a huge deal. But because, no matter how much I enjoyed Chicago, I’ll always be a Brit at heart. I always knew I’d come back to what is so familiar to me.

  “Fancy an ice skate?” Dylan asks, nodding ahead to the queue.

  “Hmm, maybe not. Too many people,” I tell him.