To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  They got silent.

  - I'm sorry son. I really am. But you can't keep doing what you're doing to yourself. Look where your pride is taking you. Today you hurt your hand. And don't tell me that the life you live doesn't hurt you. You know it does. We know it does. We hear about it, we read about it. Even Richard tells us about it. I'm just asking you to let us face these things together, as a family. Pride like that, Anger like that, they won't take you anywhere. You're hurting yourself more than anything.

  - Oh shut the fuuck uuup – Eric got so mad he ended up throwing the bucket with ice on the wall, making a huge noise – Pride and Anger gave me everything I have. They gave me EVERYTHING I FUCKING AM. It definitely wasn't you and your stupid speeches.

  - … It also took away everything you lost. It's impossible to live without others people help, son. It would be just so much easier if you could learn how to....ask for help, or at least just let us be around you, without feeling that we are bothering you... Look at me then, son. Look how much I've lost for pride... Just please don't make the same kind of mistakes I did...

  Eric didn't say anything, so his dad just kept talking.

  - Maybe that's why things happened in the way they did, I know. Because I was too distant to see how things were falling apart. But then be angry at me, but don't make your siblings and your mom pay for it... And I'm not complaining, maybe it was a good thing in the end, all this changes that happened to us.... But it was me, Eric, not them...

  - A good thing? A good thing?? Are you fucking serious?? - Eric was definitely screaming now – Just because your lives got better you think that in the end what happened was good? You're fucking unbelievable... I got kicked out of my own city. You lost everything? Fuck, are you really saying that? I gave you back so much more than what you have ever lost. I gave you everything you ever wanted... and everything that I've lost, is gone. Do you understand that? Dead and Gone.... Do you have any idea what did I have to go through? … Let me guess, NO, you don't, because you never even ASKED what really happened. For your it was just a family drama you needed to handle before … well, before it would happen what happened and … and you'd lose everything you and mom ever held so dear... And now what? You're gonna pretend we were once a family? We were five strangers under a roof... “The Meirelles family”, what a fucking joke. Just to try and impress those ignorant and selfish assholes that think they own the world, in that fucking island lost in the sea who, honestly, nobody ever gave a fuck about, let’s face it... And you are no better than any of them...

  - Eric... no...I didn't... please...

  - Right. You didn't. You didn't give a shit... Now you shouldn't be surprise when it was the only lesson you ever taught me, dad.

  Silence again. His dad was just too shocked with all that anger throw at him at once. He needed a second to focus on what was going on.

  - …Wow, you really kept it inside for a good time, hun?

  Eric's head was hurting. He was again having flashes of memories and that was just making him feel even angrier. He was venting. His neck was hurting. He was walking around the living room.

  - Fuck … Kept inside.... You're just pathetic... That's all just too pathetic for me. Just stop trying to be something you're not. You're not a good person, you're not a good father... You're a terrible human being, so you trying to tell me what to do.... it's just too pathetic. - Eric pushed his dad away so he could... just ...go...to his room and breathe.

  At this point, Eric somehow had really gotten under his father's skin.

  - Fine. All right. Truth is you never respected or appreciated anything... You don't even respect me trying to get closer to you, trying to apologize for what I did wrong... I always fought for the best of the best for you guys: I gave my blood for this family and I'm sorry If what I did and what I'm trying to do now is just not enough for you. And if it never was. And yeah, you don't think I regret myself for being the way I was? You're right, I do. But that's why I'm doing everything I can so I can look myself in the mirror. It's not everyone that can live like you, party after party, without any responsibilities or idea of what it means to live in the real world. That's what people do in the real world, we do our best to keep going. We don't run away from our problems for seven years.

  Eric laughed, almost as he was spitting poison, screaming:

  - Theeere you go. So honest, so hard working... So ethical! That's more like the guy I remember, hun? Feeling better without the mask, dad?

  - Oh come on Eric. Your mom and I never forgave ourselves for letting you go... But we thought it would be better, we didn't know we'd have to move too... But now, since we've got here, we have to pretend everything's ok. But it's not, we are trying to fix something. We are trying to have a family again... You can't forgive me? Fine, I can deal with that. But don't do that to yourself and to your siblings... Your anger and hatred against me have hurt them too, you know that. It also messed up their lives. We just wanted you to be a part of your sibling’s lives. We just wanted you to spend some more time in our house with us, god dammit.

  Eric was smiling, and nodding.

  - Maybe you're right... Maybe I just can't forgive you. I could try, if I wanted you back in my life... but I don't. I don't... My life is better than ever, and I'm not gonna let you ruin it.

  - ...Alright Eric... So good luck on this path. Today you hurt your hand, tomorrow you're gonna hurt what? All of this for nothing. For pride. Poisonous pride. For not facing the real problem.

  - Well, I'm sorry if you can't look at me and just admit you're jealous... Jealous of me, yeah... Because you have nothing more to be proud of. Everything you have now is because of me, and you just can't accept the fact I don't need to ask your permission for anything anymore.

  His dad laughed.

  - Yeah, Eric. That must be it. I'm jealous of you...Do you even realize how stupid you sound?

  - I sound stupid? ...I sound stupid... Yeah - Eric was pacing, mad, breathing heavily – Look who's talking... fuck

  At this point, almost everyone decided to appear at once, including Mike, who probably didn't understand a word of what was happening (They were arguing in Portuguese at this point) The only one who had not gone there was Alice. When they all came downstairs, was probably the first time Eric realized how loud he and his dad were arguing.

  - Hey guys, could you guys stop arguing? Please? - Isadora

  Eric and his dad were breathing deeply. They were both completely, insanely mad.

  - Apparently not, it's impossible to talk to your brother.

  Eric just laughed, sarcastically.

  - Why? Hun? Come on, sister! For the old times sakes! We're just trying to bond here, right dad?

  His dad didn't say anything.

  - Eric, don't be like that. You two, I want you guys to stop now – His mother was so nervous she was shaking.

  So Eric got quiet. Not out of respect, but because he was sure he had already said everything he wanted to. After all, his target was his dad. He was still sure he could go into his room and talk to Alice. Yeah, that's what he should do.

  Everyone got tired, and his dad apparently gave up on that discussion. He tried to really look for the right words to end that discussion.

  - Eric, I'm sorry for what happened tonight. I shouldn't have tried to make you come with us to Toulouse. I know that's why you're mad at me. I know, you had told us already you would let us know... I'm just really trying to be a good father. A good human being, as you said. And I deserve all your anger, but not your siblings. They had abs
olutely nothing to do with what happened that night, Eric. And no matter how bad of a father I was, you can't also keep blaming me for everything that happened. I just tried to help, not in the perfect way, I know, but I tried to help you. I … we were the only ones who were there to help you, remember that? That huge thing fell in our laps and I really tried to help you as much as I could...Maybe even for the wrong reasons at the time, but I did my best.

  Isadora, Gustavo, his mom: They all seemed to have stop breathing with that comment. Even Mike noticed something really intense had just been touched.

  - And you know what? It's not like I hadn't tried. I did. For all these years I've been trying to bring you back to us. I tried to build something for you and for our family, for the day you'd give us a chance to start over. It's not like I didn't try, so I'm sorry if I'm hurt by the unfair way you're treating me now. Do whatever you want with your life. You want to be alone? All right. You want to keep torturing yourself? … It's your loss. - He paused for a second - Take your decisions Eric, I'll respect it. Just tell me what you want. I'm sure you're man enough to live with the consequences.

  Eric was (clearly) mad as his dad had dared to touch that subject in that way, in front of everyone. Eric had his eyes burning in hatred. His dad had a look of disappointment on his face towards Eric. As no one else said anything, Eric finally said:

  - I don't give you the right to look at me this way... Maybe you should just get the fuck out of my life then and stop pretending like I need you as a father.

  His dad got clearly sad and disappointed with his son's answer. But he nodded his head, as if he was agreeing with it.

  Eric was staring at him in complete silence.

  - … Allright. - His dad looked at his siblings and then at his mom. They were almost hugging each other – You know what, Eric? They are not coming back, son. I'm sorry. We are here, we are here for you, and eventually you will have to face that.

  “They are not coming back, son...”

  There were people who were trying to get a hold of him in the darkness. They were drying his tears, cleaning the blood of that mess and they seemed to be singing so that his soul could find some peace. Those people understood him and they accepted him. And in a flash he seemed like he relived all of that again.

  Eric had never gotten so mad like that. He was so mad he forgot his hand was hurt. He basically jumped towards his father and his hand hit his father's face. Mike jumped and got a hold of him before Eric punched him a second time, which he was about to do. Eric ended up pushing Mike away really roughly too.

  As they got apart, and they all realized what had just happened, his dad slowly put his hand where he got hit, and just looked at him, in the same disappointed way he was looking at him before. He didn't say a word and went upstairs. Eric was shaking.

  The rest of them were just too shocked to follow him immediately. Then, they all went at once, with Mike being the last one, who still looked very confused and very bitter. Isadora had teary eyes, and even though she probably wanted to have said something, their mom made her go upstairs.

  Isadora had lost a fight she had waited almost seven years to have, without having a fair chance to fight.

 

  Eric got waken up the next morning by Mike, who quickly got out of the room. Eric had entirely consciousness of what had happened last night. He right away noticed Alice wasn't by his side, and that made him feel a bit concern. In the living room, he saw through the window that everyone had just finished breakfast and was cleaning up the table. But Alice wasn't there either. Nobody said a word, and Isadora's resilient sad look was the only attention Eric got from them. Then, they all went upstairs.

  The only one staying with him on the kitchen was Mike.

  - Hey Eric... - He waited for an answer, but he never got one, so he just kept talking – So I know you'd like me to be clear. Your parents decided to go back to Toulouse today, they are probably going to tell you that soon. They invited me to go with them to stay there the rest of our vacation and I decided to accept it. I know you'll hate to know that, but I did. And... I'm not even sure I'm going back on tour to be honest... I called Richard and I told him that. He got incredibly pissed, and told me I have a couple of days to give him a final answer...

  Eric was looking at the window. Without moving his head, he just said:

  - … Alright, and that's my problem why exactly?

  He had probably hurt Mike really bad at that moment, but they never looked at each other.

  - Ahn... wow... ok. No reason. I just thought you should know... I... I... I'm sorry I'm going with them, but I feel like trying to spend a bit more of time with your sister, and ...well, apparently you want to be left alone...With everything that happened here, and that had been happening in the last couple of years, I'm feeling like maybe I need a break from all that.... A real break.

  - All right... You'll take the car back to Toulouse, all right?

  - Where are you going?

  - ...

  - Eric? What are you going to do?

  Eric just shrugged his shoulders. Mike was mad at Eric. Mad, angry, sad, disappointed, but he was still worried about him.

  - Hey, man... Are you going to be ok? - Mike once again tried to reach Eric. - Do you need to talk?

  - Ah....Give me a break, Mike... Did you see Alice?

  - … Alright...Hmm... I think she went for a walk... at the beach...

  - Ok.... And honestly Mike, congratulations, for all the good decisions you're taking. - Eric started walking away - You're really making a good job this time screwing everything up for a girl. Congratulations man, you really overpassed all my expectations this time... Enjoy while it lasts.

  He didn't wait for an answer. He just went to look for Alice at the beach. She was indeed there, seating alone, with her hair dancing with the wind. He got close very slowly. He was actually afraid of her reaction.

  - Hey...

  - Morning...

  - So... yeah – He paused – Apparently everyone is leaving soon.

  - ....Yeah... Yeah, they are...

  - What about you?

  She didn't want to answer. She was looking at the sea, but eventually she looked at him, and with her expression, it became pretty clear she was sad for leaving, but there was no other option for her.

  - Ok... I see... - That had hurt him more than he could've ever expected. She was leaving him.

  They stayed in silence for a while.

  - This is it then, hun? - She asked, but he never answered – You know Eric, I really fell for you. And it seems it meant shit for you. None of this did, right? Your family, your friends... nothing. Only your anger.

  - … Look, I admit things got out of hand last night, ok? But you don't know my pare...

  - Nothing justifies that, Eric! - She interrupt him – You don't treat people like that. No matter what... The only thing I saw was a family trying to have a good time together. Trying to reconnect. And I just don't understand how... I just don't understand why, you did what you did. You forced things to get bad. You really wanted to destroy the good vacations we were having.... That's too much... That's not for me, Eric. The way you were drinking last night, how all of this got so out of control just because your parents invited you to go to their place... Fuck, man. That's too messed up.

  - Alice... - But she didn't listen

  - … I always felt like you didn't want to come here. That you were being somehow dragged, I mean, you felt dragged. That you
came here for a fight... And I tried to tell myself differently, I really did... With all the nice moments we were having together, I felt... I thought you were happy – She paused for a second - I'm not of any use for the choices you're making Eric. I mean, look at this place, dude. Look at it. Not even like that, in this awesome place, having fun, you tried to make things better.

  Eric took a deep breath.

  - I'm sorry, Eric, but no, I won't stay here with you. Especially because it probably never even crossed your mind to ask me to stay... - She paused, but as she was going to start talking again, it was Eric's turn to interrupt her.

  - Alright, Alice... Do what you want. But you're wrong, it's not like it never meant anything. It's not true that you didn't mean anything... But it's ok. It's all good. Do what your conscious is telling you to do.

  She didn't say anything. She only got sadder.

  - Take care, Alice. And... Yeah, I'm sorry for ruining your vacation. It definitely was not my intention.

  They looked at each other once again. She wanted to say something more, he didn't know what else to say. He was feeling his gut hurting, so he just turned his back and went walking away from all of that. Again.

  He left behind his family, one of his few true friends and his beloved Alice.

  Hours later, when he finally allowed himself to go back to that house – At that point completely empty – Eric just fell down on the bed, exhausted, shallow and drunk. He tossed on the bed and paced around the house, drinking a lot, until he found a note in the middle of one of the books he had bought from Alice:

  “If Happiness is only real when shared.

  I'm sharing mine with you...