To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  He couldn't remember the pain of his first breath, but it was probably something like that. His head finally relaxed a little bit after some minutes. He was trying to control his body that was still shaking, and trying to relax his neck that was hurting like a bitch. Out of that pain and despair and loneliness, he started to cry. And he kept crying for a while, alone, looking at that lake, and the trees around him, and the grey sky. He ended up sitting on his knees and stayed there for a good while until he felt the pain slowly getting away from him.

  He was completely alone. Lucas was looking him from inside the house, but Eric was there, alone, sitting beside that lake. He sat on a wood bench and he stayed there for almost half an hour, as if the cold was helping him to numb the pain. Eventually the cold got to him and he had to go back inside. He kept thinking what was making him do that. Why did he want to survive that? Things would just get better to everyone if he just seized to exist. He wouldn't have to deal with that pain anymore. Not only that specific pain, but the worse pain of all: having to deal with who you are, when who you are is someone that disgust you and the people around you. When your life is not at all what you wanted it to be. Was he supposed to stay sober for the rest of his life? Fuck, for real? How do people get by like that?

  Every person should be able to at least understand the reason why their life got that bad. Most of the time though, people don't even get this relief.

  Pain didn't leave him completely after that, but at least it got better when something hit: Nostalgia. Eric laid down beside Isabella, who was still feeling like shit, and held her. Nobody said a word. They stayed there for a whole night, drowning in memories and in pain. Would something change? Something had to.

  But I guess we can't really see the line of our life's story while it’s still being written.

  Eventually, a couple of days after that, Isabella seemed to start getting better, but before that, she had spent almost fifteen hours sleeping and more three hours without saying a word after she got up. Eric and Lucas did get a bit worried about her sleeping that long without moving, completely pale white and cold, so it was a relief when she woke up.

  They both started to walk around the village, trying to get into a more normal routine. They started to watch movies after three weeks and a half in silence. They started to read, they started to eat a lot again, and they started to make conversation more often.

  Three weeks and a half have passed since they first got there and they finally were starting to look better. That's when they decided to go to the nearest city to make some shopping. They needed clothes, food, books, movies and games to make their next weeks a bit more enjoyable and there was not many stores in that village.

  They ate there, bought everything they needed (and a bit more), and they even went to the movies to watch a British movie because only Lucas could understand that Viking language.

  Once they were done with the movies, they wandered around for a while, and some people actually recognized Eric, and that brought him a bit of happiness.

  Later on, in a moment where Isabella and Lucas lost Eric in the middle of the public center, he saw something that made his leaver scream and that could suddenly make his life feel better. He regretted so many things, and staying there wouldn't change much. And that need in his system that he knew it wouldn't let him at peace, that wouldn't shut up. Near a store, after Eric crossed the street, he went to the thing he needed the most at that moment: a public payphone.

  - Hi, Richard? Yeah, it's Eric. Yeees. Yes. I am, I'm good. Yeah, no for real, I'm ok. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sorry... I just wanted to let you know I'm ok. I'm still with Isabella, yeah... and another friend, called Lucas. I know I should've, Richard. Yeah. Yeah... All right, don't worry, I'm still alive. So...I need you to keep handling things, ok? And tell my mom what I've told you, the guys, and yeah, if you could let Tom know too … That'd be great. Perfect. All right. What about Liam and Jack? Good, good.... - He paused for a second – And Marie? ...Hmm ok. I see, good good, thanks for that again. Well, take care of them for me for a while, ok? I guess I'll call you back soon ok? … I gotta go Richard. Yeah, Sure. Bye.

 

  For a few days everything actually went well. They met a friend of Lucas called Miriam, pretty as an angel. For sure she also had more friends in the village, but she didn't bring any with her. She was willing to help with anything she could and just to be there to chill together, going there almost every day, for a couple of hours or even a bit more. She tried to teach a bit of the language to them, with Lucas, because as always, we can always get some laughs out of it, and they could actually focus on something else, something new and refreshing.

  Eventually Miriam started to bring some friends over once in a while, and one night she brought them all over for a nice dinner.

  That night, during a conversation after they had finished the food, the subject suddenly got very heavy due to the mood swifts that sometimes was hitting Eric or Isabella – And they don't even remember who brought it up that day – but after a few seconds where Lucas tried to change the subject in respect of the visitors, it got pretty clear that that was not going to happen.

  If it was by the tone of the conversation, the awkwardness or by the gesture, Miriam and her friends noticed that they should leave at that point. Lucas, Eric and Bella all excused themselves, but the girls said it was ok. They understood that Eric and Bella were tired, so they just left.

  - All right, so I guess we are indeed gonna talk about it - Lucas said

  But almost five minutes passed and nobody said a word.

  Then Lucas took the initiative, and then they started to re-live the past together.

  When Mike and Isadora finally decided to start dating for real, her family had just gotten back home after vacations in St Jean de Luz with her older brother, Eric. The result of that trip, which they were hoping that would be getting back in touch with their son, had backfired. When they tried to bring him close to them, they realized there was still too much undealt with. Things from a past they had tried so hard to forget. Bad enough, so that the son once again was gone, lost in his lifestyle, away from them, which led his mother's heart to a constant state of fear and pain.

  The sadness and disappointment (and disbelief) was clear in their faces on the trip back home. Alice, Eric's girlfriend, got a lift with them until Toulouse and from there, she took a train back to her aunt's home, because she still had commitments in Paris. She thought it was better to get away from Eric. It was just too much for her: she had just seen too much hatred, anger and self-destructive behavior at once. She knew it was going to hurt them both, but she really thought it was the right thing to do at that moment.

  After all, it had already became clear that their relationship was not going to last forever because, she was sure of it, he still had someone else on his mind. Was she that hurt with him? Maybe...

  Although, for a long time something inside her kept telling her that she should've stayed. Her feelings were hurt: maybe she had just abandoned him because she was afraid of getting abandoned first. Maybe she just tried to accept the fact that she... she didn't know, she just couldn't read Eric's feelings towards her. Did he love her? No, he was still in love with Marie, right? … Right? …She got so confused and so distressed about it, she decided she had to leave.

  Isadora was also uncertain about all of that. She had always, always, always admired her brother, even from far away. Even through his music, from pictures, from memories. From pure empathy. Now there was Michael. She just felt like she had gotten two people in her life (whom she was looking for so long, without even realizing it) and it was just too good for a moment in time. Now they were back to that same life. She just didn'
t know what would happen. Mike said he was probably done, not only because of what had happened that night, but because the whole trip had made him realize how miserable he had been lately. Made him realize how happy he could be away from all of that.

  Isadora was moving to Paris soon, maybe they could just go there together....Still, Mike wasn't sure of anything, either.

  Eric's dad was driving the car with his wife by his side, while his kids, Alice and Mike were going back on the other car. They both talked a lot during that trip. He was asking himself (and her) where he had gone so wrong. Why all of that was happening to them. Where he had gone so wrong with Eric. Maybe he already knew. He had thought he could've bring him back. He just waited for so long for his son, so they could talk and forgive and forget, and in a split of a second in time everything slipped through his fingers. Eric's aggression had hit his soul way more than his body, because he felt like his son had waited seven years for that punch, and that had killed him. He didn't know who his son was anymore, maybe he never did. And now he felt like he had lost the chance of showing his son who he was. Who he had become, for them. Did he ask too much? Why did he have to experience all of those terrible moments on his mind, all of once, when he got hit by his own son? Why?

  Maybe his son was right. Maybe he did blame him. Maybe he still did. Deep down, was he still angry at his son for everything he had lost since that night? Because of his son's... irresponsibility and bad judgement? … Without not even being certain of what had happened? He spent what...? Four or five years trying to change, trying to be a better person, trying to convince himself his life was better and that he...they were happier. Was he? His son seemed to be a good person. Kind of lost, libertine, party animal, way different from what he could've thought his son would've become. But he spent his vacations enjoying his sibling, his friends and everyone around him, and the way they would get along so easily and so quickly should show something. Why was he so proud of Isadora and Gustavo, knowing that they were too, very different from what he would've expected? Was he proud of Eric like that? Was it his fault? They were all so disappointed, they were all so sad with that (lack of?) farewell... All that sadness couldn't have been for someone who hadn't touched us. Had he been the bad guy? … No... He had just tried to make things right. Why didn't it work? ...Why?

 

 

  Eric had just turned sixteen. He didn't have many friends, but he knew a lot of people in that city, even though he had moved back to Florianopolis only like... a year before.

  There were really few people that he enjoyed to have around... There was Isabella, Lucas, Samuel, Gabriela and Victor.

  Samuel and Lucas were brothers, and they were the oldest in the group. Gabriela was a bitch who was only there basically to please the guys...or any of the girls around. Eric was by far the youngest. Isabella, a bit older, had already turned eighteen at the time.

  Samuel was twenty four years old and Lucas was twenty one. Victor was... well, he is not important at all in this story. Eric met all of them through Isabella, and he met Isabella at a party from friends of his friends from his school, having sex with her not long after meeting her that night, completely surprising him.

  . Eric was from a wealthy family that had one single revenue: His dad, who received an insane amount of money to do what he did best: Manage other rich people's money. His mom was...well, she was a women that would care more for the appearances of things rather than the meaning of life, even though she never really realized it. He wouldn't say she was futile, because she wasn't, but for sure often she would let herself be controlled by prejudice and complacency. She didn't really worked anymore at that point in her life.

  Eric's parents didn't know his friends for most of the time they lived there. They wouldn't know where his parties where at, and they would not even know for sure when he was home or when he was out, although ironically, when he was home they would try to control his life to the slightest detail.

  He had two younger siblings, who would fight with each other and complain all the time, calling their parents attention and making it easier for Eric's lies to go unnoticed. The fights would usually become arguments involving the whole family, so Eric would always try to stay as much as he could away from their house, where he had never felt comfortable in the first place.

  He had those friends, who were the only companion he would have most of the time. Apart from them, he wouldn't truly get along with anyone else. His friend Samuel, was particularly close to him, probably the best fatherly figure he had always had: Always giving him advice, and always trying to make him feel integrated in the group, trying to help him be more outgoing or confident on himself – Or to not let him feel alone and unwanted – And Eric always respected and admired him like he could've never admit it to anyone (and exactly the same happened with the rest of the group towards Samuel). Samuel was a very ironic person, self-dependent, always putting his pride in front of everything: People would love him, but would first be completely terrified by him. And the way he would behave, the way he thought people should and shouldn't behave had a lot of influence in that group, and in their lives, almost as the moral compass they should follow.

  Even though for a moment in time Eric looked at him like a father, they did had their collisions (pretty bad ones) because they wanted the same girl, Isabella. Somehow, she wanted them both too, which led to a lot of suffering from Eric's part, in the middle of that confusion.

  Eric suffered a lot: They had broken up several times, and she would quite often go to bed with Samuel after or during their relationship. She tried to get back together with Eric several times. After a while, she just tried to keep having sex with both of them, which was ok with Samuel, but it nearly killed Eric.

  Eventually, that situation and the way Eric grew to be his own person faster than anyone could've though, made him start to hate Samuel and Isabella, although he couldn't fight the need he had for having them around. After all, they were the only people who ever cared about him.

 

 

  It was a Friday night that would change Eric's life forever. The whole Friday was actually pretty boring. Technically, everything happened in the beginning of Saturday.

  They went to this really small concert in a very shitty bar, in this very shitty neighbourhood. After the concert they left, the six of them, on Samuel's car, to a party like all of the others: a lot of drinking, a lot of drugs, and a lot of sex. Normal. Samuel was always the guy bringing the heavier drugs and he used to make a lot of money out of it, even thought for most of their friendship, Eric didn’t know that. Most of the time, Eric would hate all of that. Ugly people, stupid people. Fat people, with no ambition in life, who in the end of the day, wouldn't be able to be anywhere else anyways. Fucking losers.

  That night, there was sex, people pucking a lot, a couple of them even having to go to the hospital... There was also a lot of acid and cocaine going around in that party, for some reason.

  As mentioned, Samuel was the most fatherly figure Eric had always had, but their relationship those days was really delicate because of Isabella. They even shared her for a while, and Eric thought he would eventually be ok with that. He tried to be ok, but he wasn't. He really loved her. Then she went back to Samuel, then to Eric, and then to him again. Things got so bad between them all in the last few months, that they were just trying to party those days to make sure things were back to normal... Eric wanted to hate Samuel. But Samuel and Isabella... they were everything he had. Their respect, their approval, their company....was everything that mattered to him in the end.

  So, back to the party... Well, they've spent hours and hours there, until Samuel decided it was time to go around downtown because he had to pick up some “stuf
f”. Eric was tired, he felt like going home. He had money for a cab, but the guys were really convincing. Eric didn't feel like going home just to toss and turn on his bed, feeling lonely and bored while Isabella would be having the time of her life with Samuel... So Samuel himself convinced him when he said he would let Eric home when all was done. After all, the party wasn't over yet.

  In their way there (wherever it was), there was this huge tree that was gloomily swinging, grabbing Eric's attention as if it had a spell. He suddenly felt lucid and awake, even though he was completely drunk a couple of minutes ago: He would remember that single moment for several years, trying to remember how things were before that. Begging to go back to that same moment and just grab a cab and go home. Why didn't he just grabbed a cab and went home?

  They had to pass several desert streets. Sometime later, a few people passed by them. Normal people, afraid of them at that time at night. That fear actually made Eric feel proud: He was one of them. People, weak people, were afraid of them.

  Even the prostitutes and small time dealers wouldn't mess with them as they were passing, and Eric, so young, thought that that was really cool.

  They kept walking and Samuel took some more of these medicines he would take to have a “cool buzz”. He was really out-of-his-mind- crazy that night, but he was strong as a bull and he never ever had gotten sick or felt bad in front of Eric or of anyone in that group, so Eric just assumed it wasn't a reason to worry. He was often borderline insane like that anyways.