Her Airman

by Allyson Lindt

  He sighed and sank back into the stiff vinyl bench. In a couple of weeks, he’d be able to stomach the other spot again, but for now, he’d have to remember how to work the coffeemaker at home.

  He pulled Scott’s business card from his back pocket and turned it over in his fingers, trying to find the enthusiasm to be happy about the entire thing. Chance of a lifetime, and Zane couldn’t even muster a fake woo-hoo.

  He looked up when the front door chimed, and he had to do a double take.

  Riley paused a few feet away, eyes wide and gaze locked on him.

  His pulse skidded and stuttered, and his heart hammered. He forced himself to smile. To pretend she hadn’t ignored his text. To overlook that she still wore her bridesmaid dress. That her hair had torn itself from the high bun she’d had it in, six hours before, and it fell in messy locks around her shoulders. That her makeup was smeared, her cheeks were flushed, and her lips swollen.

  “Hey.” Her voice was so soft it vanished in the hip background music. “What’s that?” She nodded at his hand.

  Not how he intended to start this conversation, but he’d take any opener. He held the business card up between his index and middle finger. “Your brother-in-law’s business card. He offered me a job.”

  The corner of her mouth twitched, but he couldn’t tell if it wanted to pull up or down. “Congratulations.” Her voice was flat.

  He tried to keep his tone light. “If this is what nepotism gets me, what happens when he finds out how severely I fucked up?” He winced as the words passed his lips. He hadn’t meant to sound so bitter.

  Her shoulders slumped. “He doesn’t work like that. If he offered you the job, it has nothing to do with me. It’s because he wants you working for him.”

  He reached deep inside and pulled out a smile. “I’m sorry—”

  She cut him off. “I got your message. Couldn’t answer. I’ll just tell you in person. We lost that chance.”

  He furrowed his brow and studied her face, looking for some sign of forgiveness or hatred—or anything. All he saw was his confusion reflected back at him. “Then...”

  She shook her head. “I have to get home.”

  “Wait.” This conversation couldn’t end like this. He finally understood what Granddad’s point was. What it meant. How it applied to him. Even if Riley didn’t forgive him, he owed her an apology. “About what I said...”

  She locked a sad gaze on him but didn’t interrupt.

  “I shouldn’t have done or said any of it. Except tell you the truth about what happened while I was gone. You deserve to know, or our friendship isn’t as strong as I want to think it is. I’ve been unfair to you for too long.” Now that the words tumbled out, he needed to keep going. “I’m used to people having a hidden agenda, to them not saying what they mean—and that’s my problem, not yours—but I know you don’t work that way. I know I can trust you.

  “I’m so sorry I betrayed you, and I don’t expect you to say it’s all cool and just forget about it. And I know some of it you might not ever be able to overlook. And I love you, Riley. I always have, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same, but you deserve to know.”

  She ran her thumb over each of her fingernails, not quite looking at him. Her expression wavered, and she chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Thank you.”

  Not even close to what he expected. “Of course.”

  She hesitated for a moment, before kissing him on the cheek—quick and chaste, the way she had so many times over the years. Then she turned and walked out, never making it to the counter for her own drink.

  His entire frame tensed at the lack of resolution, until his head throbbed and his neck ached. Had he been forgiven? Did it matter? Were she and Archer back together? Again? For the five billionth time?

  They must have spent the night together. Why else would she still be dressed like that? That would explain why she had such a neutral response to his gut-wrenching revelation. He’d known she might not feel the same, but her brush-off dug deep, aching in his chest and throbbing in his skull.

  He tossed his mostly full cup in the trash and walked out the door. On top of everything else, he needed to figure out if he really could be happy for Riley, regardless of who she ended up with.

  He sank in his truck and leaned back into the headrest. He didn’t know if he was capable of working that hard, to atone for his sins.

  RILEY FORCED HER EYES open and blinked several times to loosen the mascara caked with dried tears holding her lids shut. Falling asleep in her wedding makeup had been a bad idea. Falling asleep crying had been a bad idea. She should have said something different to Zane this morning. The last twenty-four hours of her life seemed a clusterfuck of things she should have done differently.

  She shook her head and sat up.

  He loved her. Three words that never meant anything until they came from him. A confession that drilled into her heart and filled her soul... And she’d frozen and brushed him off, stalled on her own insecurities.

  The sun was sinking behind the mountains outside. Had she really slept through the day? Before her head had hit the pillow, she’d thought she might never be able to sleep again.

  She climbed from her bed and shuffled into the shower, dropping clothes as she went. The spray of icy water hit her face, waking her up. She closed her eyes and leaned into the stream, letting it wash away too many layers of everything as it warmed up.

  The longer she thought about it, and after the time she’d spent with Archer over the last few days, she knew she couldn’t be angry with Zane. It hurt too much to hold the grudge, and even worse, to not have him in her life. What he did was so very wrong. Not while he was deployed—though she still struggled with those decisions, and it would take time for both of them to deal with. But what he’d said about her not knowing herself, and his going behind her back... She needed to believe he meant it when he said he would never do it again. At the same time, it lit a fire under her butt and forced her to admit things she might not have otherwise.

  She scrubbed off everything she could, until her skin was pink and raw, and then shut off the water and dried herself. She didn’t drag her feet quite so much on the carpet. The more she woke up, the more glimpses of the night before—or had it been early morning?—drifted back to her. The things she’d decided, the resolutions she’d made, the promises that had stuck in her head and evaporated in exhaustion and surprise when she talked to Zane.

  She grabbed some of the most comfortable clothes she could find, including a T-shirt she’d stolen from Zane in high school and never given back, got dressed, and then sat down to work.

  She didn’t know if she had the courage to do what she was about to, but if she didn’t, it would ache inside forever. Knowing she had to take this next step was the big reason she wasn’t still mad at Zane. Sure, he’d gone behind her back, and he’d lied to her. That would have to change, but he’d never done it before, so she believed him when he said he was sorry.

  Besides, it had given her the strength to make this decision and had finally pushed her in the right direction. She opened her sketchbook, booted up her computer and large-format scanner, and began taking high-resolution digital shots of the graphic novel she’d spent the last few years over-polishing.

  As the computer hummed and the scanner whirred, her attention fell on her phone. It still sat on her desk, taunting her. Zane’s message was on there.

  She breathed deep and dialed his number.

  “Riley?” Hope and hesitation poured from his greeting.

  She smiled with relief. “Hey. What are you up to?”

  “You know.” His casual tone sounded forced. “Nothing, really. I’m not in the mood to game, and there’s nothing good on TV, and—”

  “Come over?” She cut him off before his ramble could get awkward. “I mean... that is... do you want to hang out?”

  “God, yes.”

  Her smile grew. “We need to talk. I mean it may not be all fun and games.
It may get serious for a little bit.” Why was she over-explaining herself in the vaguest terms possible?

  “I don’t care. Don’t take that wrong, I care what you have to say, and whatever it is, I’m listening. What’s up?”

  She couldn’t do this over the phone. She needed to see his face, to get it right. “Come over, and I’ll tell you.”

  “Hmm... a bribe. Or blackmail. I’ll be there soon.”

  She let out a small laugh as she disconnected and set the phone aside. The gnawing uncertainty was still there, lingering in the back of her thoughts, but she already felt better. Now she had to focus on her scanning and keep her thoughts from running too rampant, while she waited for him to show up.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Zane hesitated outside Riley’s door, trying to bring down his racing pulse. She’d called him. She sounded happy to talk to him, but she wanted a serious conversation. That was either great news or not. She didn’t mention his confession that morning, and he didn’t know how to interpret that. He raised his hand to knock, and the door flew open before his knuckles pulled away from the first rap.

  Riley’s cheeks were pink. He was pretty sure that had been his shirt at one point, but his had been black, and hers was kind of a dark gray, so maybe not. Either way— “You look gorgeous.”

  “Thanks.” She let him in and shut the door behind him, hovering a few feet back. “That was fast.”

  He shrugged. Not fast enough. He’d never noticed how many lights and signs were between her place and his before.

  “You look good too.” She stepped around him, keeping her distance, and nodded toward her bedroom. “I need to show you something.”

  His imagination tried to kick in, taunting him with every definition imaginable of what that meant. He told it to go to hell and shoved the images back down. There was something off in the way she walked, an awkward hesitation combined with the occasional glance over her shoulder, as he followed her.

  She dropped into her computer chair. The mouse cursor on the screen wavered, betraying the slight shake to her hand. “So, um...”

  He waited for her to finish her thought, attention on her profile. The uncertain way she caught her lip between her teeth, the flicker of her eyes between the screen and not quite at him, was alluring and disquieting at the same time. “What’s up?” he finally prompted.

  She took a deep breath and spun in her chair, facing her computer. “I decided you were right.”

  Fantastic. “About what?”

  “I need to stop hesitating and just get my artwork out there. It’s true that no one may want it, but I’ll never know unless I try, right?”

  “Right.” He wanted to grin that she was taking this step, and felt selfish for being disappointed instead. Not by the news—he screamed for joy inside about that—but he’d been hoping to hear something else. Something more about the two of them.

  She let out a small laugh, the most incredible sound he’d heard in days. “You probably already know this—I hope you already know this—but I have to send samples of my work along with my query, and I need to pick my best pages. Since you spoofed my email, I don’t know which images you picked.” She turned her full attention on him for the first time since he’d arrived. “I have my favorites, but I can’t decide. I’m hoping some of them are your favorites too, so I can narrow my choices down. Help me pick some out?”

  “Of course.” A tinge of relief floated through him. It wasn’t a confession of love, but it was the friendship he had been terrified they’d lost. He could work with that. He’d take that over nothing in a heartbeat.

  She nodded her head toward the monitor. “You can get closer if you want. You know, so you can see. I promise it’s okay.”

  He closed the distance between them. As she flipped through the scans, he couldn’t hide his awe at her talent. It made it hard to choose, but they slowly narrowed down the selection. Excitement danced on her face the more they got into it.

  He settled his hand on the back of her chair, leaning in to get a closer look at the details. He saw now why it had been a mistake to send off her unfinished work, aside from the severe breach-of-trust issue. What he’d been impressed with before was nothing compared to the studio quality he looked at now.

  She leaned back, resting against him as they dove into the final selection process. She was still torn deciding between two panels. He traced light lines along her shoulder blade, relieved when she didn’t pull away.

  “How’s Archer?” The question slipped out before he could stop it, and he cringed.

  Her back went stiff, and she sat straight up. “Fine, I suppose.”

  “Happy to have you back?” God damn it, he was being a jerk.

  She dropped her head and sighed.

  He’d ruined the moment. He might as well get it over with. Find out what was really going on, wish her luck—because that’s what friends did—and all that bullshit. “You two make a cute couple.”

  She winced, and a small squeak tore from her throat. Something that was half-whimper, half-sigh. “What happened to he’s a clingy jackass?”

  Zane shrugged. “Whatever works for him.”

  She tilted her head back for a moment, eyes closed. Then she stood and faced him, gaze locked on his. “You really think we make a cute couple?”

  Yes. He needed to say yes. He had to do this. He had to be supportive. “No. I still think he’s a clingy jackass and you deserve so much better. You already said you didn’t love him.”

  Her pained expression melted away. “How do you really feel?”

  “Clever. I already bore my heart, and you didn’t take it quite the way I hoped.”

  Her threatening smile wavered. “Nothing happened with Archer,” she said softly. “I mean, not nothing, but I didn’t sleep with him. Or anything else that involved him touching me in any way.”

  Zane swallowed, not daring to hope. His heartbeat echoed in his ears. “You were still wearing your bridesmaid dress this morning.”

  “Yeah, I was.”

  “So you never made it home.” This was killing him. He clenched his jaw. “It didn’t look like he did either.”

  A soft smile danced under the sadness on her face. “I don’t know where he was. After we left the wedding, we went for coffee. We talked. A lot. I apologized for leading him on then shutting him out. He apologized for being a clingy, presumptuous jackass.”

  Zane couldn’t hide his disbelief, but he refused to give into the hint of amusement. “His words?”

  Her smile grew. “My words, his meaning.”

  “That took all night?”

  “I walked away when he started droning on about how I made a mistake leaving him.”

  “You shouldn’t have to put up with that.”

  “I didn’t.” She stepped closer. “You have a pretty strong opinion about what I do and don’t deserve. Have you ever stopped to think nothing would make me happier than you?”

  He stopped breathing for a moment, not sure he’d heard her right.

  She kept going. “I said goodbye to him after an hour or so, thanked him for everything, and drove around until I was too tired to do so safely. I was trying to convince myself to stay away from you, since you already pushed me out twice. Telling myself you didn’t love me the way I do you. You almost broke me in the coffee shop, but I managed to keep it all in until I got home.”

  His heart leaped in his throat at the words. Jesus, she’d taken her time getting there, but he still loved the way it sounded. “What did you figure out?”

  “I didn’t.” She reached for him then dropped her arm again. “My brain spun in on itself over and over again, until I thought I might pass out on my feet from exhaustion, and when you said it this morning—actually said, I love you—I thought I was hallucinating. Tell me you meant it?”

  Relief surged through him. He wrapped his fingers in her hair, pulled her close, and kissed her hard, not breaking away until he couldn’t breathe. He gasped as they broke
apart. He held her head in place, gaze locked on hers. “I love you more than anything. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Just thinking about waking up someplace that you’ll never be coming back to hurts more than I want to dwell on.”

  It felt incredible to have the words out. Especially when she shifted her weight, pressing into him. “Me too.”

  She kissed him again, hungry and desperate, digging her nails into his back. When she pulled away, he realized what he’d missed that morning. Her face looked almost exactly the same, except relief and joy danced in her eyes now instead of red-rimmed grief.

  He spun and dropped into her chair, grabbed her hands in his, and tugged her to stand between his legs. “I should have said something sooner. I should have told you so many things sooner.”

  She bent and silenced him with a quick kiss before stepping away. “It doesn’t matter. It’s out now. Whatever happened while you were gone doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’m not sure my acceptance matters, but I know why you made the decisions you did, and if you had any idea at all what they would lead to, you wouldn’t have done it.”

  She had more faith in him than he did, but that went both ways when it came to them. He didn’t forgive himself, but he had a feeling he’d get there. “It means a lot. Thank you.”

  “Beyond that, all I care about is that we stop hiding things from each other. Well, I care about other things, too. I mean, I’m pretty hardcore infatuated with you, and this whole artwork thing, and that I didn’t get laid after my sister’s wedding. Isn’t that like a bridesmaid’s right or something?”

  He couldn’t hold back his laughter. “At least you have your priorities, and yes, if we’re to believe popular media—and really, why wouldn’t we?—you’re definitely owed that.”

  She bit her bottom lip, hands shoved in her front pockets and tugging down the waistband of her jeans. “So are you volunteering?”

  He made a show of looking around him. “Are you offering it to anyone else?”

  “Nope. Just making sure.”

  He hesitated. Should he do what he wanted? It hadn’t been a problem in the past, but so many significant things had changed.