by Shay Savage
“Is that what you want?” I asked, my voice breaking on the last word.
“No, Alexandra,” Branford said as he shook his head. “I want you to be my wife. If you will consent to stay with me, I swear I will do better by you. I can’t promise perfection because I am far from perfect, as you already know, but I swear to do better. I will be a proper husband to you if you will help me understand what that means. I thought I understood before, but I know now I did not.”
“But…what must everyone think of me now?” I whispered.
“They will know who is responsible, Alexandra,” Branford said, his voice once again holding the hard edge of his anger.
“My word over theirs?” I huffed and turned, pulling my hands from his. Branford rose from his kneeling stance, but the movement was slow and uncertain. “No one will believe me.”
“I will,” Branford said quietly. “Will you tell me? Will you tell me what they did to you?”
My mouth dropped open. Speak against nobles? How could I even consider such a thing? But Branford was asking me a direct question, which I could hardly refuse to answer. The consequences would have been equally dire. Was this another “choice” in his eyes? Taking a deep breath, I resolved to do as he asked.
“They said they were here to help me dress,” I told him, feeling all the more foolish. “They said everyone would be dressed the same, and…”
My voice trailed off. I didn’t know what to tell him. The words they said to me? How they wore the same dresses and changed later? Should I tell him about how she referred to him without his title?
“What happened?” Branford prompted.
“They came to the door,” I answered. “I thought it was Ida, but they were there instead.”
“Who, Alexandra? Say their names to me.”
“Lady Kimberly and Lady Nelle,” I finally mumbled. I felt as though I was making the most heinous accusation, and part of me wanted to curl up and protect myself from the coming blow. Commoners did not accuse the court of any misconduct. It would be a death sentence.
“What did you do?”
“I didn't want her in our room,” I said quietly. “I thought you had...been with her. I didn't want her here.”
“Go on,” Branford said, and I did not miss his lack of denial.
“They had this dress…” I said. I paused and sniffed, trying to hold back tears caused by the repulsive frock that I still wore. “Can I please take it off now?”
“Of course, Alexandra.” Branford huffed through his nose. “I’m sorry—I should have thought about that. Please, let me help you.”
Branford led me to the changing area and handed me the nightdress I had worn to bed with him the night before. I changed quickly, leaving the humiliating garment on the floor, not wanting to touch it ever again, not even to hang it up. When I came back from around the screen, Branford was there, looking at me with his brow furrowed. He reached out and took my hand in his before leading me back to the bed and sitting me in the center, under the sheets. He tentatively climbed onto the bed but stayed atop the blankets and sat far enough away to not touch me. I wondered if he did it for my sake or his own.
“Please tell me the rest,” he said.
“Lady Kimberly said…she said I could help them dress, and then they would help me.”
Branford hissed through his teeth.
“Are you telling me they came to my rooms and asked my wife to DRESS THEM?”
Branford’s sudden outburst caused my shoulders to squeeze tightly together, and I had to fight against the urge to cover my head once again. Instead, my fingers gripped the blankets tighter, and I crossed my arms in front of myself as Branford fumed with his tight fists pushed hard into his thighs.
“What else?” He snarled through his teeth.
“I didn’t think it looked right,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. I was sure Branford leaned closer just to be able to hear me, but his eyes were wild, and it was too difficult to look at him. He was truly frightening in his anger even though I was fairly certain it was not directed at me. I had no idea how quickly that could change though. “But they said…she said…she said everyone else had a dress like that…and that she knew you would like it.”
“I don’t understand why Kimberly would do such a thing,” Branford said. I wasn’t sure if he spoke to me or himself. “She’s vindictive, but you’ve not done anything to harm her.”
“She is not angry because you did not marry her?” I asked, thankfully recalling in this moment Sunniva’s words.
“I suppose that may be true, though honestly, I never considered marrying her nor did I ever intend to give her the impression that I would. I grew up with Kimberly and Nelle. We were…close cousins. When we were first adults, but still quite young, we…spent time with each other. It was nothing more.”
“So now she is convenient for you?”
“Whatever do you mean?”
“Well, you did spend the evening and well into the night with her,” I finally blurted out. “Perhaps going to her bed might have given her such an impression!”
“Alexandra!” Branford’s eyes went wide.
“Are you telling me you were not with her last night? That you haven’t taken her to bed?”
Branford’s eyes darkened, and he looked away.
“I have bedded her,” he finally said softly, sounding contrite. “And I was with her briefly yesterday evening. She expressed some interest in continuing our previous relationship despite my marriage, and I made it quite clear that I had no interest in a relationship with her.”
My mouth dropped open, and I quickly closed it again.
“Where were you?” I finally stammered. “You were gone most of the night.”
“With Camden,” Branford answered immediately. “When I return from a journey, we usually spend the night speaking with each other. He wanted to know more of you. I spent the entire evening telling him about the tournament and how I chose you. We talked of the wedding as well.”
I covered my mouth with my hands. My wide eyes stared at a spot down at the end of the bed without seeing it. He had not been with her but was only speaking with Camden. He had not been unfaithful to me.
“You thought I was with her instead of being here with you.”
I could only nod, ashamed to have made such conjecture about my husband.
“You should have asked me.”
“I feared your answer.”
“You had already made your assumption.” Branford’s voice was harsh but only for a moment. He took a long, deep breath. “I think I understand now. It’s what you said earlier when you told me you heard us talking about replacing Lily. You thought we had been talking of replacing you, and you thought Kimberly was to be your replacement.”
Again, I nodded.
“Tomorrow we’ll go to the marketplace, and I’ll show you exactly what we were talking about.”
“The marketplace?” I repeated. He nodded and raised an eyebrow.
“A lot of things are making more sense to me now,” Branford said. “That’s also why you tried to throw yourself at me when I returned, is it not?”
“Yes.” I looked down at my hands where they wrung the sheets.
“I didn’t touch her,” he said definitively. “I have no reason to lie to you about this, Alexandra.”
It was true. Wife or not, if he chose to bed another, it would be an embarrassment, but there would be nothing I could do about it. Lying would serve no purpose, for I could not accuse him of anything. Yet here I was, accusing two noblewomen of wrongdoing.
“What will happen now?” I asked quietly.
“With Kimberly and Nelle?”
“Yes.”
“I have not yet decided.” Branford shifted a little closer to me. “I don’t wish to talk about them. It’s getting late, and you look exhausted. We have much to speak of, but before I tell you anything else about me, I’ve been…instructed to explain my behavior this evening. Sunniva seems to thin
k it’s rather critical to knowing me, and though I can’t say that I want to do this, I’m going to tell you what happened to…to my parents.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” I told him.
“Actually, yes, I do. Sunniva made it pretty clear it was part of her mandate. Regardless, it is too long a story for this hour and will have to wait until morning.”
I nodded, feeling my fatigue. It seemed these past days, though little work was involved, held more hours than any other days in my life.
“You have not responded to my request,” Branford said softly. “Will you please tell me before we lie down? Otherwise I fear I will not be able to sleep.”
“What request?” I asked.
“Will you give me another chance?” Branford asked. “Will you let me try to be a good husband to you?”
I did not know how I should respond. He spoke of choices, but was there really any choice in this for me? We were already wed in the church, and anyone would know that we had been together if I stayed here in Silverhelm. I dreaded the idea of going to another land where everything would be strange, and I would have no one there I knew. What choice did I have whether he wished to be good to me or not?
“I…I don’t know what that means,” I admitted. “To be a good husband…or wife.”
“Could we figure it out together?”
I looked up and met his eyes, bright green and earnest.
“I wish to ask you something,” Branford said. He sat back away from me a little and placed his hands on his thighs. “When you answer, I need your honesty. Please, do not answer in a certain way because you believe it to be my desire to hear the words.”
“If you wish,” I replied.
“Do you want to be my wife?”
All breath left me, and I could not speak a word. How could I answer a question honestly when I didn’t really understand what it meant? Indeed, he did not seem to know either.
“Does your silence mean the answer is no?”
I took a deep breath and forced words from my throat, as truthful as I could be.
“I don't know.”
“That's fair, considering how I have failed you,” Branford said with a nod. “I haven't been a husband to you thus far. I haven't considered your needs except when they fall in line with what I want.”
“What do you want?” I finally asked.
Branford reached out and cupped my chin, tilting my face toward him as he liked to do when he spoke directly to me.
“I want to be a good husband to you,” Branford said quietly. “I enjoy waking up with you in my arms. I want to take care of you and keep you safe…protect you. I want to be in the arenas, look at the spectators, and see you watching me. I want to offer you whatever prize I take home.”
He reached up with his other hand and caught my face between his palms. His dark eyes gazed at me, and I could feel my will slowly seep into them.
“I want to show you pleasure,” he whispered. “I want to see desire in your eyes when you look upon me. I want to know you, Alexandra, and I want you to know me.”
My heart began to beat harder, which reminded me of the feeling of his hand as it danced over the sensitive flesh of my breast. I remembered the feeling that ensued so far away from his exploring fingers and how he seemed to know exactly what I felt.
“We agreed upon three days,” Branford said suddenly, and I wondered if he could hear my thoughts. “Pray, would you consider allowing me to alter the deal?”
“Alter it?”
“If after three days, you decide you no longer wish to be my wife, we will find a way for you to be safe and provided for but still free from me if that is your desire. If I have proven myself to you—earned your forgiveness—we will consummate our marriage.”
I stared at him, unable to form a reply.
“The timing would be the same,” Branford said, continuing. “This was supposed to be our first night. Since we will be in each other’s company, I think I could keep our other plans…well…on schedule.”
I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and found I had to look away from the blazing green eyes that threatened, yet again, to capture me. After everything that had occurred, the unknown had a brand new appeal it never had before. Even considering the idea of beginning again in a new place was more frightening than staying under any circumstances. Despite my concerns, I could feel the increase in my heartbeat as his fingers graced over my cheek. When he spoke of our “other plans,” a deep ache surfaced in the most intimate area of my body.
“I beg you, Alexandra,” Branford said when I still hadn’t responded. “Will you allow me? Will you allow me to make amends to you?”
I didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to tell him no, that I just wanted to go as far away as I could, but another part of me wanted to wake up in the morning, surrounded by the warm strength of his arms. When my silence became too much for him, he spoke again, his tone more earnest than before.
“Are you agreeable, Alexandra?”
I recalled my answer to the same question back in the stables in Hadebrand, just three short days before, and how it had altered my existence. If it were possible for him to offer to send me back to my life prior to meeting him, I would have gladly taken it. But that option was no longer available to me.
“Please, Alexandra.” Branford’s eyes spoke of his desperation. Indeed, they seemed to beg me as much as his words. “Please let me use the next three days to make up for the last three.”
My heart pounded. I knew I was at a crossroads, and my reply may bring me either happiness or misery, but I did not know which path I should take. With thoughts born of hope and fear, I finally gave him my answer.
“Yes, my…Branford.”
And that was how our marriage began again.
Chapter 3—Grudgingly Recount
I woke again to the warmth of my husband’s embrace.
When we had lain down to sleep, Branford had kept his distance. He had reached over to grasp my hand and place a small kiss on my knuckles before wishing me good night, but I had not fallen asleep in his arms as I had the two nights prior. Regardless, that’s where I found myself in the morning, unsure of how I had arrived in such a position but not feeling uneasy about it. Like it had been before, his embrace felt comfortable and reassuring even when his words and actions did not.
The fire still burned brightly, so I knew I hadn’t slept for long. Under my head, I could feel the increased rate of Branford’s heart and the nearly gasping breaths he took. I turned to look into his face and could see his eyes moving quickly under their lids and the hard set of his jaw. His lips were parted slightly as he breathed much too rapidly for peaceful sleep.
I reached up and slowly stroked the side of his face. He flinched when I first touched him and then slowly relaxed. I felt the constricted muscles of his arms and chest as they loosened, and his breath and pounding heart gradually returned to a more normal sleeping rate. He turned his head into my hand, and he let out one last, heavy sigh as his arms tightened around me briefly.
I took my own deep breath and settled back against him but kept my hand resting against his cheek. I wondered what dream he may have had to cause such a reaction in him or if he would remember it when he woke in the morning. I hoped he would not because even now that he had relaxed, his face was still tight, and he did not appear the least bit peaceful. I let my eyes flutter shut and listened to the sounds of my husband’s deep breathing as I drifted back to sleep.
The next time I opened my eyes, I could see the dim light from the windows and feel Branford’s hand as it traveled over the top of my head and down my hair, slowly stroking the strands from top to bottom. As I had before, I for fear of his touch to engulf me, but lying here in our bed, there was none. I blinked my eyes a few times to get used to the light and then looked up into Branford’s gaze.
The expression in his eyes was difficult to determine—a strange cross between concern, hope, and trepidation. He flicked his tongue o
ut over his bottom lip, and his hand paused in its movements on my hair.
“Good morning, Alexandra,” he finally said.
“Good morning, Branford,” I replied. “Did you sleep well?”
“No,” he answered immediately, “but waking up was still a very pleasant experience.”
I felt the heat rise to my face.
“Are you uncomfortable?” Branford asked. “It wasn’t my intent to sleep this way. You rolled over and…well, here we are.”
“It’s all right,” I said, feeling the heat in my face increasing.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asked.
“Not right now,” I answered as truthfully as I could.
“Even after what I have done?”
I didn’t answer because I had no words for it. Yes, I was still afraid of him. I was afraid of that part of him that seemed so quick to anger without reason. However, lying here with his arms around me, I could feel how the strength of him was also for my benefit.
“I feel…safe here…in your arms.”
“I want you to feel safe,” Branford said. “Protecting you is very important to me.”
Of all the other things he had said, this was the one remark that rang the truest to my ears.
“I didn’t protect you yesterday”—Branford’s arms tightened a little—“not from Kimberly or Nelle and not from myself either. It’s the one part of being a husband I thought I knew how to do.”
Again, he brought his fingers to my chin and tilted my head to look at him.
“I will do better,” he said in earnest. “You will never be without trusted protection again.”
I could only nod in response, which shifted my head away from his touch. He stroked his hand back down my arm and eventually to my fingers. He brought them to his lips and kissed my knuckles.
“I promise,” he said, and I tried to make myself believe him.
I excused myself to dress and saw the offending garment was no longer on the floor behind the screen. I wondered what Branford had done with it, but mostly I was glad it was no longer within my sight. Perhaps he had burned the horrible thing. I would not have minded.