The Explosive Child
Page 6
By the way, if a child is already reliably meeting a given expectation, you don’t need one of the Plans because it’s not an unsolved problem. For example, if your child is completing her homework to your satisfaction and without significant difficulty or conflict, you don’t need a Plan because your expectation is being met. If your child is brushing her teeth to your satisfaction and without significant difficulty or conflict, you don’t need a Plan because the expectation is being met. But if your child is not completing her homework or brushing her teeth in accordance with your expectations, or if these expectations heighten the likelihood of concerning behaviors, you have an unsolved problem and you need a Plan.
Hopefully, by now you’ve used the ALSUP to identify your child’s lagging skills and unsolved problems. Hopefully, you’ve also decided which high-priority unsolved problems to start working on first (using Plan B) and which you’re setting aside for now (Plan C).
Let’s take a closer look at the three Plans.
PLAN A
Many people think the terminology Plan A refers to the preferred plan. Not so. As you just read, Plan A is where you’re solving a problem unilaterally, typically through imposition of a solution. With Plan A, you’re the one deciding on the solution to a given unsolved problem. Your child is a bystander.
The words “I’ve decided that . . .” are usually a good indication that you’re in the midst of using Plan A: “Because you’re having difficulty completing your math homework before you go outside, I’ve decided that you can’t go outside until your math homework is done,” or “Because you are having difficulty getting your teeth brushed before bed, I’ve decided that there will be no TV or video games at night until your teeth are brushed,” or “I’ve decided that since you seem to be having difficulty being home at 12 am for curfew, you’re grounded.”
Now, these adult responses to unsolved problems might sound fairly ordinary. That doesn’t mean Plan A is the ideal way to solve problems with your child. While you may feel that you are exercising parental authority by using Plan A, you are also inducing frustration. And your child doesn’t handle frustration very well. Frustration sets in motion your child’s concerning behaviors. And that’s not ideal at all. The paradox is that the kids least capable of handling Plan A are the ones most likely to get it, and lots of it. And if a kid is getting lots of Plan A, then Plan A isn’t working.
Solutions arrived at through Plan A are not only unilateral, but they’re also uninformed. With Plan A, you’re not trying to find out what’s making it hard for your child to meet a particular expectation, and you’re not trying to address those factors. Uninformed solutions are shots in the dark. Better to take aim.
With Plan A, you’re trying to solve the problem through the use of power. Power causes conflict. If you teach power, you’ll get power back. In other words, being unilateral is a good way to get your kid to respond in kind.
So, is Plan A off the table completely? No, if your child is about to dart in front of a speeding car in a parking lot, use Plan A. Yank on her arm and save her life. If she blows up, so be it. But, if three weeks later she’s darted in front of a speeding car in a parking lot seventeen additional times and you’ve yanked seventeen additional times, perhaps yanking is effective at saving her life but it’s very ineffective at solving the problem. You’re going to need a different plan.
The problem is not that caregivers sometimes use Plan A. The problem is that caregivers use Plan A a lot and stick with it even when it’s not working.
Does staying away from Plan A mean you’re dropping all the expectations you have for your child? No, it doesn’t mean that at all. You still have lots of expectations (hopefully they’re realistic). What it does mean is that you’re going to need another way to solve problems to take the place of Plan A. That’s Plan B.
PLAN B
Plan B involves solving a problem collaboratively, a process in which you and your child work together to solve the problems that have been setting the stage for challenging episodes and that have been so destructive to your relationship with each other.
According to the conventional wisdom (and many popular parenting books) you should never collaborate with a child. After all, you’re in charge. But in this book, being “in charge” means that you understand why, in the case of your child, even the most mundane of problems can set the stage for concerning behaviors, and that you’re willing to take action to change course. Don’t worry, you’re still in charge when you’re using Plan B, probably more in charge than you’ve ever been. The only downside to Plan B is that, at least initially, it’s hard to do, primarily because many people haven’t had much practice with it.
Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step.
The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand what’s making it hard for her to meet a particular expectation.
The Define Adult Concerns step involves communicating your concern or perspective on the same problem, especially why it’s important that the expectation be met.
The Invitation step is when you and your child work toward a solution that is (a) realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and (b) mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution addresses the concerns of both parties).
On first hearing about Plan B, many caregivers come to the erroneous conclusion that the best time to use Plan B is just as they are in the midst of dealing with an unsolved problem. That’s Emergency Plan B, and it’s actually not the best timing because the child is already heated up. Few of us do our clearest thinking when we’re heated up. As discussed earlier, unsolved problems are highly predictable, so there’s no reason to wait until the child gets heated before trying to solve them. The goal is to get the problem solved ahead of time, before it comes up again. That’s Proactive Plan B. (Of course, if you haven’t yet completed the ALSUP for your child—and identified your high-priority unsolved problems—then it will be much more difficult to do Plan B proactively.)
For example, in the case of the unsolved problem of difficulty brushing teeth, the best time to have a Plan B discussion with your child is before she’s faced with the task of brushing her teeth, rather than in the heat of the moment. If the unsolved problem is difficulty completing math homework, the time to have a Plan B discussion is before the next time your child is struggling with her math homework. Since you’ve already decided which high-priority unsolved problems you’re working on, you should be using Proactive Plan B the vast majority of the time.
PLAN C
As you now know, Plan C involves setting aside an unsolved problem completely, at least temporarily. As you’ve read, Plan C is neither giving in nor giving up. It’s prioritizing. If you try solving all of your child’s unsolved problems at once, you’ll solve none of them at all. When you use Plan C, you’ve consciously, intentionally, and deliberately decided to set aside a given expectation either because you have other, higher-priority expectations to pursue or because you’ve decided it was unrealistic in the first place. The biggest downside to Plan C is that some of your expectations won’t be met, at least not yet. But the upside is that any unsolved problems you’ve set aside won’t cause concerning behaviors, which means that you and your kid will be more “available” for those unsolved problems that remain and the amount of conflict between you and your child will be reduced.
Many parents feel a little queasy about setting some expectations aside, even for now. Let me help you feel better about it: she’s not currently meeting those expectations anyway. So, realistically, you have a few options: (1) you could trying working on all of your child’s unsolved problems at once (thereby solving none of them and causing both you and your child to become overwhelmed); (2) you could continue to insist that your child meet expectations you already know she can’t reliably meet (causing countle
ss unnecessary concerning behaviors but coming no closer to having the expectations be met); or (3) you could make it official: you don’t expect your child to meet those expectations right now. Option number three is Plan C. You aren’t shirking parental responsibility by prioritizing.
As with Plan B, the form of Plan C you want to be using most often is Proactive Plan C. If you’ve decided that brushing teeth is a low-priority unsolved problem, you wouldn’t tell your child to brush her teeth. If you’ve decided that homework completion is a low-priority unsolved problem for now, then you wouldn’t tell your child to do her homework. When will you start mentioning these things again? After you’ve solved some higher-priority unsolved problems and can turn your attention to some of the ones you’ve set aside.
Proactive Plan C can also involve coming up with an interim plan for an unsolved problem that has been set aside for now. Here’s what that might sound like:
DEBBIE: Jennifer, you know how Dad and I are always getting on your case about eating dinner together as a family?
JENNIFER: I don’t want to talk about that!
DEBBIE: Oh, I don’t want to talk about it either. I just wanted to let you know that we’re not going to bug you about it anymore. You don’t have to eat dinner with us if you don’t want to.
JENNIFER: I don’t?
DEBBIE: No, there are some other problems that are more important for us to work on, so we’re just going to let that one go for now.
JENNIFER: So, I can eat wherever I want?
DEBBIE: Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about for a second. I was thinking we could come up with a plan for places it’s OK to eat dinner and places it’s not. There are two places I’d really prefer that you not eat.
JENNIFER: Where?
DEBBIE: Your bedroom and the living room.
JENNIFER: Can I eat in the TV room?
DEBBIE: Yes, that’s fine with me . . . just not your bedroom and the living room. Are you good with that?
JENNIFER: Yep. So, I don’t have to eat dinner with you guys if I don’t want to?
DEBBIE: That’s right . . . for now anyway.
JENNIFER: What if I want to eat dinner with you?
DEBBIE: You’re welcome to eat dinner with us if you want to . . . but you don’t have to. Good?
JENNIFER: Yep.
What if you slip and direct your child to do something that you’ve already identified as a low-priority unsolved problem? Use Emergency Plan C and simply say “OK.”
PARENT: Thomas, it’s time for you to brush your teeth.
THOMAS: I’m not brushing my teeth.
PARENT: OK.
In the next chapter, we’re going to sink our teeth into the three ingredients of Plan B. But first let’s answer a few questions.
Q & A
QUESTION: Let me get this straight: I’m supposed to drop all my expectations so my kid doesn’t get upset anymore?
ANSWER: You can’t raise a child or run a household without expectations. So, no, you’re definitely not dropping all of your expectations. But you are prioritizing, because you can’t solve everything at once. The unsolved problems you’re setting aside for now (Plan C) will make it easier for you to work on your high-priority unsolved problems with Plan B.
QUESTION: Isn’t this just about picking battles?
ANSWER: No, it’s definitely not about picking battles. The fact that your child is having difficulty meeting an expectation doesn’t mean there’s a battle; it means there’s a problem to solve. Battle picking is the unenviable scenario of feeling that you only have two options: pursue an expectation through the imposition of adult will (knowing full well that doing so will cause a battle) or avoid the battle (but at the price of not pursuing important expectations).
QUESTION: So, I’m not allowed to tell my kid what to do anymore?
ANSWER: It depends on what you mean by telling. If telling means you’re simply reminding your child of an expectation—for example, “Kids, it’s time to go brush your teeth”—then you may not be out of the telling business. But if you find yourself “telling” your child to do the same thing over and over again, then telling isn’t working and you’ll need to use Plan B to find out why your child is having difficulty meeting the expectation you keep telling her about. Of course, if what you mean by “telling” is that you’re deciding what the solution is to a given unsolved problem, that’s Plan A.
QUESTION: I can’t set limits anymore?
ANSWER: Plan A isn’t the only way to set limits. You’re setting limits when you’re using Plan B, too. You’re probably reading this book right now because the Plan A way of setting limits hasn’t panned out so well for you and your child.
QUESTION: So, the problems I really care about, that’s Plan A. And the problems I sort of care about, that’s Plan B. And the problems I don’t care about at all, that’s Plan C. Right?
ANSWER: Not right. The Plans are not a ranking system. Each Plan represents a distinct way of responding to unsolved problems.
7
Plan B
In this chapter we get into the nitty-gritty of each of the three steps of Plan B. You’ll find additional nitty-gritty in chapter 8, especially related to difficulties you may encounter in your efforts to use Plan B.
THE EMPATHY STEP
The goal of the Empathy step is to gather information from your child to understand what’s making it difficult for them to meet a certain expectation. If you don’t gather that information, the problem will remain unsolved. Just like the rest of us, kids have legitimate concerns: hunger, fatigue, fear, the desire to buy or do certain things, the tendency to avoid things that are scary or that make them uncomfortable or at which they don’t feel competent.
Some adults have never thought it was especially important to gather information about and understand what’s making it hard for a kid to meet an expectation. That’s why many kids are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed or disregarded by adults who have concerns of their own or who feel that they already know what’s getting in the kid’s way on a given problem. Kids who are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed tend to be far less receptive to hearing the concerns of their caregivers. Over time, such kids also become far less receptive to talking to their parents. The number one complaint I get from kids is that their parents don’t listen; and the number one complaint I get from parents is that their kids won’t talk to them.
The Empathy step gives your child a voice. Then they don’t have to scream—or exhibit any other concerning behaviors—to be heard. And, just in case you had any doubts, it’s good for children to be heard.
When you enter the Empathy step you do so with curiosity and the recognition that you don’t yet know what’s making it hard for your child to meet a particular expectation. As you’ve read, it’s very common for parents to find that what they thought was making it hard for their child to meet an expectation is not what was making it hard for the child to meet an expectation. So, the pressure’s off: there’s no need to divine your child’s concern or perspective. You don’t need to be a mind reader. But you do need to become highly skilled at gathering information from your child.
The Empathy step begins with an introduction to the unsolved problem. The introduction usually begins with the words “I’ve noticed that . . .” and ends with the words “What’s up?” In between you’re inserting the unsolved problem. The introduction is made much easier if you stick with the guidelines for writing unsolved problems you read about in chapter 4. Remember, if you don’t stick with the guidelines, you reduce the likelihood of the kid participating in the process. If they don’t participate, you won’t understand what’s making it hard for them to meet the expectation, the problem will remain unsolved, and the concerning behaviors that are being caused by the problem will persist. Here are some examples:
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to go to school lately. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been diff
icult for you to brush your teeth before going to bed at night. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to complete your math homework lately. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to stick with the thirty-minute time limit on playing video games. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to get to bed by 9 pm lately. What’s up?”
“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to get to the school bus by 7:45 am lately. What’s up?”
After you ask, “What’s up?” one of five things is going to happen next:
POSSIBILITY #1: The child says something.
POSSIBILITY #2: The child says nothing or “I don’t know.”
POSSIBILITY #3: The child says, “I don’t have a problem with that” or “I don’t care.”
POSSIBILITY #4: The child says, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
POSSIBILITY #5: The child becomes defensive and says something like “I don’t have to talk to you” (or worse).
Let’s make sure you’re prepared for each of these possibilities.
The Child Says Something
If the introduction to an unsolved problem elicits a response from the child, that’s good. However, the child’s initial response seldom provides a clear understanding of their concern or perspective, so you’re going to need to probe for more information. I call this probing process “drilling,” and there’s no doubt that drilling is the hardest part of all of Plan B. It’s where most Plan B ships run aground (and where most captains abandon ship). The good news is that there are some strategies to help you master the drilling process so the Plan B boat stays afloat.