First, notice the word is drill, not grill. The primary goal of drilling is to clarify, whereas grilling tends to be an act of intimidation. Your goal is to demonstrate to your child that your attempt to understand their concern or perspective isn’t fake or perfunctory—you really want to understand.
Second, drilling is not the same thing as talking. There are caregivers who frequently talk to (or at) a kid, but never achieve a clear understanding of what’s making it hard for the kid to meet an expectation.
Drilling is hard because a lot of caregivers haven’t had much practice at gathering information from kids. They aren’t sure how to go about doing it. Here are the drilling strategies, followed by examples:
Strategy #1: Reflective listening—simply saying back to the child whatever they just said to you—often followed by clarifying statements, like “How so?” or “I don’t quite understand” or “I’m confused” or “Can you say more about that?” or “What do you mean?” This is your default drilling strategy, and the one you’ll be using most often. If you’re drilling and you get stuck and aren’t sure what to say, reflective listening and clarifying statements are always a safe bet.
Strategy #2: Asking questions beginning with the words who, what, where, or when.
Strategy #3: Asking about the situational variability of the unsolved problem; in other words, why is the child meeting the expectation sometimes and not other times?
Strategy #4: Asking the child what they’re thinking in the midst of the unsolved problem. Notice it doesn’t say feeling. While it’s fine to understand a child’s feelings in response to an unsolved problem, asking about what they’re thinking is more likely to provide information about what’s making it hard to meet the expectation.
Strategy #5: Breaking the unsolved problem down into its component parts. Many unsolved problems—for example, getting ready for bed at night, getting ready for school in the morning—have multiple components. But kids sometimes need help identifying those components so they can pinpoint which component is causing them difficulty.
Strategy #6: Making a discrepant observation. This is where you’re making an observation that differs from information that the child has already provided in the Empathy step. It’s the riskiest of the drilling strategies, because some kids are going to interpret a discrepant observation as an indication that you think they’re lying. You don’t think they’re lying—kids are entitled to their beliefs about the factors that are making it hard to meet an expectation—you just have observations that differ.
Strategy #7: Summarizing and asking for more. This is where you’re recapping what the child has already told you in the Empathy step and asking if there are any other factors that are making it hard for them to meet the expectation. It’s a good organizational strategy; it helps keep track of the concerns the child has already expressed. It also helps you know when the Empathy step is done. If the child can’t think of any other factors that are making it hard to meet an expectation, the Empathy step is done and you’re ready to move on to the next step.
Strategy #8: Tabling and asking for more. This strategy is very similar to summarizing, except that instead of recapping what the child has told you, you’re metaphorically sidelining those concerns so the child can think of any other factors that are making it hard for them to meet the expectation.
Here’s an example of what drilling might sound like, with the number of each specific drilling strategy in parentheses:
PARENT: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty getting started on the Shakespeare paper for homework. What’s up?”
ANA: It’s too hard.
PARENT (Strategies #1 and #2): It’s too hard . . . what part is too hard?
ANA: It’s too much.
PARENT (Strategies #1 and #2 again): It’s too much. I don’t understand . . . what’s too much?
ANA: The writing part is too much.
PARENT (Strategies #1 and #2): Ah, the writing part is too much. When is the writing part too much?
ANA: I don’t know.
PARENT: Take your time. We’re not in a rush.
ANA: I’ve never written a paper this long before. I don’t know what to say. And I don’t know what words to use to get started.
PARENT (Strategy #7): Ah, so you’ve never written a paper this long before, and you don’t know what to say, and you don’t know what words to use to get started.
ANA: Yes! It’s too hard!
PARENT (Strategy #2): Well, I’m glad we’re figuring this out. But I’m still a little confused. What is it about the length of the paper that’s hard for you?
ANA: There’s different sections, and I’m supposed to write about each of them.
PARENT (Strategy #1): There’s different sections and you’re supposed to write about each of them. Tell me more.
ANA: I don’t know how to start each section.
PARENT (Strategies #1 and #2): You don’t know how to start each section. What’s hard about that?
ANA: I can’t think of the words! I already said that!
PARENT (Strategies #1 and #2): Yes, you did say that. I’m just trying to understand what’s hard about that.
ANA: I mostly know what I want to write. I just can’t think of the words to start writing it.
PARENT (Strategy #1): So, you know what you want to say . . . but thinking of the words to start saying it is the hard part.
ANA: Yes.
PARENT (Strategy #8): So, if you weren’t having difficulty thinking of the words to start writing each section, is there anything else that would make it hard for you to get started on the Shakespeare paper?
ANA: No. I don’t think so. Could you just write it for me?
PARENT: I suppose I could do that. We’ll think of solutions in a few minutes. But I’m very glad I understand what’s been hard for you.
Very informative. We went all the way from “It’s too hard” to “I can’t think of the words to start saying what I want to say” and came away with a much clearer sense of what’s making it hard for Ana to meet the expectation.
Adults are often astonished by what they learn when they start inquiring about a kid’s concerns. Let’s see what information turns up with the other examples we discussed previously (all of which would then require further drilling):
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to get to school lately. What’s up?
KID: Sophie’s been hitting me on the playground.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to brush your teeth at night. What’s up?
KID: I don’t like the taste of the toothpaste.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to stick with the 30-minute time limit on playing video games. What’s up?
KID: I don’t have anyone to play with. No one in the neighborhood wants to play with me.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to get to bed on time lately. What’s up?
KID: I don’t like being alone in the dark.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to wake up in the morning to get to school lately. What’s up?
KID: Ever since we started that new medicine, I’m really tired in the morning.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to get to the school bus on time in the morning. What’s up?
KID: I don’t want to take the school bus anymore. The bus driver always blames me when there’s trouble.
Some adults, having now made some headway toward understanding their kids’ concerns, have difficulty resisting the temptation to revert to form by being dismissive or offering solutions, thereby ending the problem-solving process. Here are some examples of what not to do:
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to get to school lately. What’s up?
KID: Sophie’s been hitting me on the playground.
ADULT: Well, you should just hit her back.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s be
en difficult for you to brush your teeth at night. What’s up?
KID: I don’t like the taste of the toothpaste.
ADULT: I don’t like the taste of the toothpaste either, but that doesn’t stop me from brushing my teeth.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to stick with the 30-minute time limit on playing video games. What’s up?
KID: I don’t have anyone to play with. No one in the neighborhood wants to play with me.
ADULT: Oh, you have lots of friends. I think you’re just making excuses.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to get to bed on time lately. What’s up?
KID: I don’t like being alone in the dark.
ADULT: Oh, you’ll be fine.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to wake up in the morning to get to school lately. What’s up?
KID: Ever since we started that new medicine, I’m really tired in the morning.
ADULT: I think you just need to try harder.
ADULT: I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to get to the school bus on time in the morning. What’s up?
KID: I don’t want to take the school bus anymore. The bus driver always blames me when there’s trouble.
ADULT: So just stay away from the kids who cause trouble, and the bus driver won’t blame you.
The Child Says Nothing or “I Don’t Know”
While it would be great if kids always said something in response to “What’s up?” and if they knew exactly how to explain themselves, that’s often not the case. In fact, it’s pretty common for kids to say nothing or “I don’t know” over the course of the Empathy step. If a kid says nothing or “I don’t know” right off the bat, you’ll want to do some self-assessment: Are you using Plan A instead of Plan B? Are you using Emergency Plan B rather than Proactive Plan B? Did you word your unsolved problem according to the guidelines?
Some kids say nothing or “I don’t know” in the Empathy step because they’re collecting their thoughts, in which case you’d simply want to respond with patience and encouragement, perhaps by saying, “I guess I’ve never asked you about this before. Take your time. We’re not in a rush.” Unfortunately, we adults often feel pressure to fill the void with our own theories (e.g., “I think the reason you’re spending so much time playing video games is because you don’t want to do your chores”). In such instances, you’ve strayed quite a bit from the main goal of the Empathy step (information-gathering) and made it even more difficult for your kid to think. You may need to grow more comfortable with the silence that can occur as a kid is giving thought to their concerns.
One of the advantages of doing Plan B in a planned, proactive manner is that you’re not surprising the child with the timing or topic of the discussion. Indeed, it often makes good sense to make an appointment with your child. It’s also a good idea to give the child advance notice of what it is that you’re going to be talking about.
The Child Says, “I Don’t Have a Problem with That” or “I Don’t Care”
This response can cause great panic in adults, especially if they’re wondering whether it’s possible to solve a problem if the kid doesn’t think the problem is actually a problem. The child may indeed be saying that they aren’t as concerned about the problem as their caregivers might be (they may not care if their bedroom is messy, may not find it compelling to get to bed on time, and may not feel great urgency about coming home in time for curfew). But that’s not a showstopper; it’s actually the beginning of learning more about the kid’s concern or perspective. The first drilling strategy (reflective listening) should serve you well in such instances: “Ah, so you don’t feel that coming home in time for curfew is a major concern. I don’t quite understand. Can you tell me more about that?” Another possibility is that the child is really saying something else (and the same strategy would help clarify what they really mean). Here’s an example:
PARENT: I’ve noticed that you’ve been having difficulty keeping your room clean. What’s up?
KID: I don’t have a problem with that.
PARENT: Ah, you don’t have a problem with that. You’re good with your room being messy?
KID: I didn’t say that.
PARENT: I’m sorry, I thought I heard you say you didn’t have a problem with your room being messy.
KID: Well, I don’t have as big a problem with it as you do.
PARENT: Oh, I missed that. So, you don’t have as big a problem with it as I do. Do you mind your room being messy?
KID: Yeah.
PARENT: What’s getting in the way of your room being cleaner?
KID: Well, at this point it’s so messy, I wouldn’t know where to start on cleaning it. I think I’m going to need some help.
The Child Says, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It Right Now”
This response can throw adults off their game as well. The reality is that the child doesn’t have to talk about it right now, and it’s good to let them know that. Lots of kids start talking the instant they’re given permission not to talk. Second, if they truly don’t want to talk about it right now, maybe they’ll talk about why. A lot of kids will talk about why they don’t want to talk about something, which is very informative in its own right. Then, after they’re through talking about that, they’re comfortable enough to start talking about what they didn’t want to talk about in the first place. Here’s the take-home message: Don’t try so hard to get your kid to talk today that you decrease the likelihood that they’ll talk to you tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.
The Child Becomes Defensive and Says Something Like “I Don’t Have to Talk to You”
First, it’s important to consider why a child would become defensive in response to adult requests for information on a particular unsolved problem, and there are lots of potential reasons. Maybe they’re accustomed to problems being solved unilaterally (Plan A), or think that if a problem is being raised they must be in trouble, so they’re anticipating the lowering of the boom. Maybe they don’t really see the point in contemplating or voicing their concerns since they’re accustomed to having them dismissed or disregarded.
The best response to defensive statements is not reciprocal defensiveness but rather honesty. A good response to “I don’t have to talk to you” would be “You don’t have to talk to me.” A good response to “You’re not my boss” would be “I’m not your boss.” And a good response to “You can’t make me talk” would be “I can’t make you talk.” Some reassurance that you’re not using Plan A might be helpful, as in “I’m not telling you what to do” (you’re not), “You’re not in trouble” (they’re not), “I’m not mad at you” (you’re not), and “I’m just trying to understand” (you are). Notice I’m excluding statements like “I just want what’s best for you” and “I’m doing this (Plan A) because I love you.”
Are you wondering if your child has sufficient language processing and verbal communication skills to participate in Plan B? There’s no question that the dialogues you’ve already read show what Plan B looks like with kids who have these skills. In chapter 9 you’ll read about how to adjust things for kids who are having difficulty participating in Plan B because of the lack of these skills (or other reasons).
THE DEFINE ADULT CONCERNS STEP
The primary goal of the Define Adult Concerns step is to enter your concern or perspective into consideration. This step usually begins with the words “My concern is . . .” or “The thing is . . .” (you’ll see many examples in the coming pages).
This step is made difficult primarily by the fact that adults frequently haven’t given much thought to their concerns about unsolved problems, often because they’ve been more focused on their solutions to those problems. But you shouldn’t be thinking about solutions in the Define Adult Concerns step. There’s really no point in thinking of solutions until the concerns of both parties have been identified.
Adult concerns are related to why it’s important
that an expectation be met, and typically involve one or both of two categories:
How the problem is affecting the kid (health, safety, learning)
How the problem is affecting others (health, safety, learning)
Let’s see what some adult concerns might be on some of the problems we considered previously:
DIFFICULTY GOING TO SCHOOL: The thing is, if you don’t go to school, I’m concerned that you’re going to miss out on a lot of important learning.
DIFFICULTY BRUSHING TEETH AT NIGHT: The thing is, if you don’t brush your teeth at night, the food you’ve been eating all day sits on your teeth and could cause cavities. I’m not all that interested in spending money for the dentist, and I don’t want you to have to go through the agony of getting Novocaine and having your teeth drilled.
DIFFICULTY COMPLETING MATH HOMEWORK: My concern is that you’re missing out on a lot of important practice by not doing your homework. Plus, if you just skip the math homework, we won’t know the parts of math that are hard for you.
DIFFICULTY STICKING WITH THE 30-MINUTE LIMIT ON VIDEO GAMES: My concern is that all that time alone in front of video games isn’t making it any more likely that the other kids in the neighborhood will want to play with you. And it’s making it harder for you to get around to your chores.
DIFFICULTY GETTING TO BED ON TIME: The thing is, when you get to bed late, you’re tired at school the next day and you have trouble concentrating and getting your work done in your classes.
DIFFICULTY WAKING UP IN THE MORNING: My concern is that when you have difficulty waking up in the morning, you end up being late for school, and you’re falling behind in your first two classes because you’re frequently not there in time to attend.
The Explosive Child Page 7