DIFFICULTY GETTING TO THE SCHOOL BUS ON TIME: My concern is that, when you miss the school bus, I have to take you to school myself, and my boss is getting a little upset about me coming in late.
Earlier in this chapter you read an Empathy step that was done with Ana on the problem of difficulty completing the Shakespeare paper for homework. No reason to have you read the entire Empathy step again here. But here’s what the Define Adult Concerns step would have sounded like on that one:
PARENT: The thing is, if you don’t write the Shakespeare paper, then you won’t get any practice at starting the paragraphs and it will always be hard for you. Plus, it would be a shame for that to get in the way of you getting your paper done, since you know what you want to write and you have really good ideas.
Two sets of concerns are on the table. No turning back now.
THE INVITATION STEP
In this final step you and your child are working together to come up with a solution. It’s called the Invitation step because the adult actually invites the child to solve the problem collaboratively. The Invitation step lets the child know that solving the problem is something you’re doing with them (collaboratively) rather than to them (unilaterally).
To start this step, you could simply say something like “Let’s think about how we can solve this problem” or “Let’s think about how we can work that out.” But to be as explicit as possible, I recommend that you recap the two concerns that were identified in the first two steps, usually starting with the words “I wonder if there’s a way.” So, in the previous example, that would sound something like this: “I wonder if there’s a way for us to help you find the words to start each section . . .” (that was the kid’s concern) “. . . and still make sure you get some practice at doing that so it won’t always be so hard for you and so that you can express your really good ideas” (that was the adult’s concern).
Then you give the kid the first crack at generating a solution: “Do you have any ideas?” This is not an indication that the burden for solving the problem is placed solely on the kid. The burden for solving the problem is placed on the problem-solving partners: your child and you. But giving kids the first crack at thinking of a solution is a good strategy; it lets them know you’re actually interested in their ideas.
Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation step. This means that just as they are at the precipice of actually collaborating on a solution, they impose a solution. Too often we assume that the only person capable of coming up with a good solution to a problem is the adult. While there is some chance that your kid won’t be able to think of any solutions—an issue discussed in greater detail in chapter 8—there’s actually an outstanding chance your child can think of good solutions. There’s also a good chance they have been waiting (not so patiently) for the chance to do that.
When you use Plan B, you do so with the understanding that the solution is not predetermined. If you already know how the problem is going to be solved before you start trying to solve it, then you’re not using Plan B . . . you’re using a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is not just a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is collaborative, Plan A is unilateral.
When it comes to Plan B, you’re off the hook for coming up with an instantaneous, ingenious solution to the problems your child encounters. You’d think that would be a relief for many parents, but the reality is that it takes some getting used to. The truth is that your unilateral solutions weren’t working very well anyway. Though it may have felt like coming up with a quick, unilateral solution to a problem was a time-saver, solutions that aren’t working take an enormous amount of time, including the amount of time you spend dealing with the concerning behaviors that are a by-product of those solutions.
This next part is crucial (you read a little about it in the previous chapter). There are two criteria for gauging whether a solution is going to get the job done, and these criteria should be considered and discussed by you and your child before signing on the dotted line: the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties). If a solution isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, the problem isn’t solved yet and the problem-solving partners are still working on it.
The realistic part is important because Plan B isn’t an exercise in wishful thinking. If you can’t execute your part of the solution that’s under consideration, don’t agree to it just to end the conversation. Likewise, if you don’t think your kid can execute their part of the solution that’s under consideration, then try to get them to take a moment to think about whether they can actually do what they’re agreeing to do (“You sure you can do that? Let’s make sure we come up with a solution we can both do”). By the way, “trying harder” is never a viable solution.
The mutually satisfactory part is important, too, and is of great comfort to adults who fear that in using Plan B their concerns will go unaddressed and no limits will be set. You’re “setting limits” if your concerns are being addressed. If a solution is mutually satisfactory, then by definition your concerns have been addressed. So, if you thought that Plan A is the only mechanism by which adults can set limits, you were mistaken. And if your concerns are being addressed with Plan B, then why do you still need Plan A? Maybe you don’t.
The mutually satisfactory part also helps the kid know that you’re as invested in ensuring that their concerns are addressed as you are in making sure that yours are addressed. That’s how you lose an enemy and gain a problem-solving partner. That’s how you move from adversary to teammate.
Early on, many kids have a tendency to think of solutions that will address their concerns but not yours (many adults have the same tendency). In such instances, simply remind the child that the goal is to come up with a solution that works for both of you, perhaps by saying, “Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.” In other words, there’s no such thing as a bad solution—only solutions that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.
Let’s see how the Invitation step might have progressed with Ana:
PARENT: I wonder if there’s a way for us to help you find the words to start each section and still make sure you get some practice at doing that so it won’t always be so hard for you and so that you can express your really good ideas. Do you have any ideas?
ANA: Um . . . no.
PARENT: Well, take your time. We’ve never really talked about it like this before. If you don’t have any ideas, maybe I can come up with some.
ANA: It’s so stupid that I can’t come up with the words.
PARENT: I know it’s very frustrating for you. But maybe that’s because it isn’t solved yet. I bet there’s a way for us to solve this.
ANA: It’s not like the beginning of every section has to be super-original.
PARENT: No, probably not. There probably aren’t that many ways to begin each section.
ANA: Could we come up with a few beginnings? Like, write down, like, four or five ways for me to start a paragraph?
PARENT: We could try that. Do you think that would help?
ANA: We can find out.
PARENT: Let’s do it. I wonder if we should also ask your teacher, Mrs. Abernathy, if she has any ideas.
ANA: Let’s see if our idea works first. If it doesn’t work, we can ask her.
PARENT: OK. Let’s think about whether our solution is realistic. I think we can both do what we’re agreeing to do. Yes?
ANA: Yes.
PARENT: Would it address your concern? That you’re having difficulty finding the words to start each section?
ANA: If it works it would.
PARENT: And it would address my concern that the paper isn’t getting done and that you aren’t expressing your great id
eas. Shall we give it a shot?
ANA: OK.
PARENT: And if that solution doesn’t work, we’ll talk some more and come up with one that does.
ANA: OK.
The parent’s last line was significant, as it underscores a very important point: it’s good for the kid and adult to acknowledge that the problem may require additional discussion, because there’s actually a decent chance that the first solution won’t solve the problem durably.
Why wouldn’t the first solution solve the problem durably? Often because the solution wasn’t as realistic or mutually satisfactory as it first seemed. Good reasons to go back to Plan B to come up with a solution that is more realistic and truly mutually satisfactory. It’s also possible that the first attempt at clarifying concerns yielded useful but incomplete information. By definition, the solution will only address the concerns you identified, but can’t possibly address the ones you haven’t identified.
In real life, solving a problem that has been causing major disagreements for a long time often isn’t a one-shot deal. Good solutions—durable ones—are usually refined versions of the solutions that came before them.
It’s also important to mention that Plan B isn’t usually this easy, especially early on. For example, sometimes kids (and even adults) get pretty heated up while using Plan B. Sometimes this is because history has taught them that disagreements are always handled using Plan A. It may take a while (and a lot of Plan B) for the child’s instantaneous heated reaction to unsolved problems to subside. Adults sometimes become impatient in the midst of Plan B and head for Plan A or Plan C. Hang in there.
Are you wondering about the difference between Emergency Plan B and Proactive Plan B? They differ on two counts: the timing and the wording of the Empathy step. Because Emergency Plan B typically occurs in hurried conditions and after a kid is already heated up, it isn’t ideal for gathering information and solving problems durably. So, while Emergency Plan B is available to you as an option, you don’t want to make a habit of it. The Define Adult Concerns step and the Invitation step are much the same with Emergency Plan B as with Proactive Plan B (though they’re often louder and more intense under emergent conditions). The Empathy step of Emergency Plan B wouldn’t begin with an introduction (as in Proactive Plan B) because it’s already too late. So, you’d head straight into reflective listening. Here are a few examples of what that would sound like:
KID: I’m not taking my meds.
ADULT: You’re not taking your meds. What’s up?
KID: I’m not going to school today.
ADULT: You’re not going to school today. What’s up?
KID: This homework sucks!
ADULT: You’re frustrated about your homework. What’s up?
Now, a caveat: while as a general rule Proactive Plan B is far preferable to Emergency Plan B, there are some kids—they are few and far between, but they exist—who have difficulty participating in Proactive Plan B because they have trouble remembering the specifics of problems you’re trying to discuss. For these kids, the problem is only memorable and salient when they’re in the midst of it. Early on, Emergency Plan B may actually be preferable for these kids. I’ve found that many of these kids are able to participate in proactive discussions once Plan B becomes more familiar to them.
* * *
Are you ready to try your first Plan B with your child? Maybe not, but no time like the present. Pick one of your high-priority unsolved problems, make an appointment with your kid, and try using Proactive Plan B to solve it. If it goes well, fantastic. If it doesn’t go well—and, this being a new skill, there’s a decent chance it won’t—keep reading.
* * *
Here’s a brief summary of what you’ve just read:
Plan B consists of three steps or ingredients:
The Empathy Step: Gathering information about and understanding what’s making it hard for your child to meet a given expectation.
The Define Adult Concerns Step: Being specific about why it’s important that the expectation be met (how the problem is affecting the kid and/or others).
The Invitation Step: Collaborating with your child to find a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.
There are two forms of Plan B, depending on timing: Emergency Plan B and Proactive Plan B. Because Proactive Plan B is far preferable, it’s been the primary focus of this chapter. Emergency Plan B—because of added heat and time pressure—is much harder and much less likely to lead to durable solutions.
Like any new skill, Plan B can be challenging, and it takes time to get good at it. The more you practice, the easier Plan B becomes. Plan B isn’t something you do two or three times before returning to your old way of doing things. It’s not a technique; it’s a way of life.
* * *
Debbie and Kevin had agreed that it might be a little less overwhelming for everyone if Debbie tried doing the first Plan B with Jennifer on her own. A few days earlier, Debbie had told Jennifer that there was something she wanted to understand better about a problem they were having and asked if they could talk over the weekend. Debbie thought Jennifer would balk at the idea, so she was surprised when Jennifer agreed. Debbie knew it would be best to give Jennifer advance notice of what she wanted to talk about, but Jennifer didn’t seem interested in knowing what Debbie wanted to talk about, and Debbie feared that Jennifer would refuse to talk if she was explicit about the topic. They agreed to talk during breakfast on Saturday morning. Kevin and Riley were already at hockey practice.
“Jennifer, remember there was something I said I wanted to understand better and we agreed to talk about it during breakfast this morning?” Debbie began, sitting down at the kitchen table with Jennifer.
Jennifer grunted through a mouthful of waffles.
Debbie continued. “I was hoping we could talk about the difficulty you and Riley have when you’re watching TV together.”
“He should just let me watch what I want. I’m the older sister,” said Jennifer.
Debbie knew Jennifer had just proposed a solution and knew they weren’t supposed to be talking about solutions yet. “That’s an interesting idea.” Debbie wasn’t sure what to say next. Then she remembered that her default strategy was reflective listening. “So, you’re the older sister and you feel you should be able to watch what you want.”
“Uh-huh.”
Debbie was briefly at a loss. She was pretty surprised that Jennifer was participating in the conversation. That was good. Jennifer wasn’t screaming or running out of the room. That was good, too. But what to say next? Debbie opted for a clarifying question. “Can you tell me more about that?”
Jennifer wiped some maple syrup from her lips. “Not really.”
This is hard! thought Debbie. She tried thinking about the drilling strategies. She resisted the temptation to jump quickly to the Define Adult Concerns step. Though it felt interminable to Debbie, Jennifer didn’t seem to mind the silence. Debbie went with a different drilling strategy. “You know, I’m not even sure I know what it is that you guys are disagreeing about when you’re watching TV. Can you tell me about that?”
“Riley always wants to watch SportsCenter, and I hate SportsCenter. All he thinks about is sports.”
More info! thought Debbie. She stuck with reflective listening. “So, Riley always wants to watch SportsCenter.” Then she went with the second drilling strategy. “What do you want to watch?”
“Anything besides SportsCenter,” said Jennifer. “I like Dance Moms. Or Say Yes to the Dress. He hates those shows.” Jennifer paused. “Why are we talking about this anyway? He should just let me watch what I want. I’m the older sister.”
Debbie was briefly stumped by Jennifer’s return to her previous stance but was finding that she was actually curious about her daughter’s view on this issue. “Tell me more about that.”
“I’m the older sister.”
“Yes, you are the older sister. But help me understand why that means that you should pick
what’s on the TV.”
“Because I was here first.”
Debbie was alarmed to see that Jennifer was now getting up from the table. “Where are you going, honey?”
“I’m done with my breakfast,” said Jennifer.
“Yes, but we’re not done talking,” said Debbie.
“I am,” said Jennifer. She left the kitchen and went to her room.
Debbie hadn’t expected the conversation to end so abruptly, though it had lasted much longer than she’d anticipated. She tried to process what had just happened. On the one hand, she was sorry that the conversation hadn’t lasted longer. They didn’t even make it all the way through the Empathy step! On the other hand, Jennifer had talked! She provided some information! She didn’t blow up! Maybe she’ll talk again! “Problem solving is incremental,” she whispered to herself, quoting something she’d read on a new website.
8
The Nuances
How did your first attempt at Plan B go? If, in the Empathy step, you learned about what’s making it hard for your child to meet one of your expectations, that’s good. If, in the Define Adult Concerns step, you resisted the temptation to put your solutions on the table and instead were able to pinpoint why it’s important that the expectation be met, that’s good, too. If you made it to the Invitation step and were able to collaborate with your child on a realistic and mutually satisfactory solution, that’s also good. Hopefully, the solution you and your child agreed upon will stand the test of time. If it doesn’t, you’ll find out soon enough, and then it’s back to Plan B to figure out why and to come up with a solution that is more realistic and mutually satisfactory than the first one, or one that addresses concerns that may not have been identified in your first try. When you think the time is right, move on to another unsolved problem.
But if things didn’t go so well, don’t despair. As you already know, it can take a while for you and your child to become good at this. Plan B can go astray for a variety of reasons. Let’s take a closer look at some patterns that may be getting in the way. Several of the points were covered earlier in this chapter. The repetition is intentional—just trying to make sure you didn’t miss anything.
The Explosive Child Page 8