The Explosive Child

by Ross W. Greene, PhD

  RILEY: How come you don’t get mad at Jennifer when she swears at you? It’s not fair!

  DEBBIE: I know that it’s hard for you to listen to her swearing. I don’t like it very much either. But in our family, we try to help one another and make sure everyone gets what he or she needs. I’m trying to help Jennifer solve some frustrating problems and to help her think of different words she could use instead of swearing. That’s what she needs help with.

  RILEY: But swearing is wrong. You should get mad at her when she swears.

  DEBBIE: Well, I don’t get mad at you when I’m helping you with your math, right? That’s because I don’t think getting mad at you would help very much. Remember how I used to get mad at Jennifer whenever she swore? It didn’t work very well, did it? It just made things worse. So, I’m doing something now that I think will eventually work better. I think it’s starting to work pretty well.

  RILEY: What are you going to do if I start swearing?

  DEBBIE: I’d help you think of different words, too. Then again, you don’t seem to have a problem with swearing, which is really good. So, it doesn’t look like that’s what you need my help with.

  Plan B is an excellent option for dealing with disputes and disagreements between siblings. The ingredients are the same, except that the adults’ role is that of Plan B facilitator. You’ll still want to take it one problem at a time. Because problems between siblings tend to be highly predictable, Proactive Plan B is still far preferable to Emergency Plan B. You’ll want to ensure that the concerns of both siblings are entered into consideration. Often this is better accomplished by doing the Empathy step in separate discussions with both siblings prior to bringing them together to discuss potential solutions. You’ll also still want to make sure that the agreed-upon solutions truly address the concerns of both parties and are realistic and mutually satisfactory.

  Over time, siblings feel better when problems are resolved through Plan B because they’re seeing that their concerns are truly being heard, understood, and taken into account. Over time, they come to see their sibling with concerning behavior as more approachable and less terrifying. They appreciate being involved in the process of working toward solutions and come to recognize that you’re able to handle the process in an evenhanded manner.

  Here’s what Plan B between two siblings looks like, with a parent as facilitator:

  Empathy Step with Sibling #1 (Sibling #2 Is Not Present)

  PARENT: I’ve noticed that you and your brother are having difficulty getting along when you’re in the playroom together. What’s up?

  ANDREW: Caleb always plays with my toys.

  PARENT: Ah, so you don’t want him playing with your toys. But I thought we were keeping your toys in your bedroom and his toys in his bedroom, so I thought the toys in the playroom were for sharing.

  ANDREW: Right.

  PARENT: So, I don’t think I understand what you mean when you say “your” toys.

  ANDREW: The ones I’m playing with.

  PARENT: Ah, so Caleb tries to play with the toys that you’re still playing with.

  ANDREW: Uh-huh.

  PARENT: Does he know you’re still playing with them?

  ANDREW: I don’t know. He doesn’t ask me.

  PARENT: How would he be able to tell you’re still playing with them?

  ANDREW: I don’t know.

  PARENT: Can you give me an example of a toy that you might be playing with and then he starts playing with it?

  ANDREW: The cars.

  PARENT: Ah, the cars. So, you’ll be playing with the cars and then he’ll butt in and want to play with them, too?

  ANDREW: Well, I’m not exactly playing with them. But I’m not done with them yet.

  PARENT: Oh, I see. So, you’re not still using them, but you’re also not done with them. Yes?

  ANDREW: Yes.

  PARENT: How would Caleb know you’re not done with them if you’re not still using them?

  ANDREW: I don’t know.

  PARENT: And how much time should pass when you’re not playing with them before you’re through with them?

  ANDREW: I don’t know.

  PARENT: OK, I think I understand. I’m going to talk to Caleb about this, too, because fighting over the toys is making you guys hurt each other and that’s not OK in our house.

  ANDREW: OK.

  Empathy Step with Sibling #2 (Sibling #1 Is Not Present)

  PARENT: Caleb, I’ve noticed that you and your brother are having difficulty getting along when you’re in the playroom together. What’s up?

  CALEB: He won’t let me play with the toys I want to play with.

  PARENT: How come he won’t let you play with the toys you want to play with?

  CALEB: He says he’s still playing with them. But he’s not still playing with them! And then there’s nothing for me to play with!

  PARENT: So, he gets mad if you play with toys that it seems like he’s not playing with anymore.

  CALEB: Yes!

  PARENT: So, you’re not trying to play with what he’s playing with right then?

  CALEB: No, I’m trying to play with something else! But he says he’s still playing with everything I try to play with!

  PARENT: So, there’s nothing left to play with.

  CALEB: Uh-huh. Then he hits me when I try to play with something.

  PARENT: We need to solve this problem, don’t we?

  CALEB: Yes, because I never get to play with anything if Andrew’s around.

  PARENT: I think we need to have a meeting with Andrew so we can talk about it.

  Invitation Step with Siblings #1 and #2

  PARENT: I’ve talked with both of you about the problem you’ve been having playing with toys together, and I thought it would be good to come up with a solution together. Andrew, you told me that sometimes you’re still playing with toys even though you’re not exactly using them, yes?

  ANDREW: Yes.

  PARENT: And Caleb, you told me that there’s so many toys that Andrew is still playing with that there’s nothing left for you to play with, yes?

  CALEB: Uh-huh.

  PARENT: I wonder if there’s a way for Caleb to know what toys you’re still playing with, Andrew, but still have some toys to play with himself. Do you guys have any ideas?

  ANDREW: He could stay out of the room I’m playing in.

  PARENT: Well, that’s one idea. But if you’re in the playroom, and Caleb isn’t allowed in there while you’re in there, I don’t know if that would be fair to Caleb.

  ANDREW: But he has toys in his room! He could play with them. And then he wouldn’t touch mine.

  CALEB: I don’t want to play with the toys in my room all the time! I want to play with the toys in the playroom sometimes!

  PARENT: Any other ideas for how we could know what toys Andrew is still playing with but still have some toys for Caleb to play with?

  ANDREW: I could tell him what toys I’m still playing with.

  CALEB: You already do that . . . and it’s everything!

  PARENT: Andrew, how long does it take for you to be done playing with something?

  ANDREW: I don’t know.

  PARENT: Like, we’re sitting here talking right now. And you haven’t been in the playroom since this morning. Is there anything you’re still playing with in the playroom?

  ANDREW: Um . . . the cars.

  CALEB: No way! He hasn’t been in there since this morning!

  ANDREW: Yeah, but I have them set up a certain way and I don’t want you to wreck ’em!

  PARENT: So, I wonder what we could do about this. Caleb feels it’s not fair if you’re never through playing with the cars. And Caleb, Andrew would prefer that you not play with the cars if he has them set up a certain way and doesn’t want you to wreck the setup. This is a hard one!

  CALEB: At school, you’re done playing with a toy when playtime ends.

  PARENT: Hmm. So, when playtime ends, it’s a fresh start on who’s playing with the toys?
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  CALEB: Uh-huh. That’s how it is at school. But not here.

  PARENT: Well, maybe it could work here. Andrew, what do you think of the idea of having a time limit on how long you’re still playing with toys that you haven’t used in a while, like they do at school?

  ANDREW: How long?

  PARENT: I don’t know, that’s for you guys to decide. I’m wondering what you think of the idea.

  ANDREW: Maybe it could work.

  CALEB: I think he should be done playing with a toy as soon as he’s not using it anymore.

  PARENT: What do you think, Andrew?

  ANDREW: That’s too quick.

  PARENT: Any ideas for what wouldn’t be too quick?

  ANDREW: Ten minutes. If I haven’t used a toy for ten minutes, I’m through playing with it.

  PARENT: Caleb, what do you think?

  CALEB: That would give me a lot more toys to play with.

  PARENT: Andrew, this could be very hard for you. Caleb would be able to play with the cars you have set up right now because it’s been a lot longer than ten minutes since you used them. Can you do that?

  ANDREW: Maybe Caleb would listen to me if I asked him not to play with the cars because I have them set up . . . but he could play with everything else.

  PARENT: Caleb, could you do that?

  CALEB: Yes, if he told me. But he doesn’t tell me. He just tells me I can’t play with anything!

  PARENT: So, let’s think about what we’re deciding here. Andrew, if you haven’t used something for ten minutes, then you’re through playing with it. And Caleb, if Andrew tells you that he’s set something up in an extra-special way, then you’ll try not to play with it. Yes?

  ANDREW: Yes.

  CALEB: Uh-huh.

  PARENT: Well, we’ll have to see how this solution works. If it doesn’t, don’t start hitting each other; just let me know so we can keep working on it.

  These discussions can require a meaningful amount of adult guidance and management. Early on, siblings may need help listening to each other, waiting for each other to finish talking, taking turns, not overreacting to observations and ideas with which they don’t agree, and so forth. If they can’t handle being in the same room for the Invitation step, caregivers sometimes need to do some “shuttle diplomacy” (going back and forth between the two parties without them having face-to-face discussions) until some problems have been solved and the siblings have some practice and faith in the process.

  By the way, in some instances the behavior of seemingly angelic siblings can begin to deteriorate just as the behavior of their behaviorally challenging brother or sister begins to improve. This is often a sign that the emotional needs of the siblings, which had been below the radar while the family dealt with the pressing issues of the child with concerning behaviors, require closer attention. In some cases, therapy may be necessary for brothers and sisters who have been traumatized by their behaviorally challenging sibling or who may be manifesting other problems that can be traced back to the old family atmosphere.

  If you feel that your family needs more help working on these issues than this small section provides, a skilled family therapist can be of great assistance. If you haven’t already, you may also wish to read an excellent book, Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

  COMMUNICATION PATTERNS

  A family therapist can also help when it comes to making some fundamental changes in how you communicate with your child. Dealing effectively with a kid with concerning behaviors is easier (not easy, easier) when there are healthy patterns of communication between the kid and their parents. When these patterns are unhealthy, dealing effectively with such a child is much harder.

  For example, parents and children sometimes get into a vicious cycle, called speculation, of drawing erroneous conclusions about each other’s motives or thoughts. Others have referred to this pattern as psychologizing or mind reading, and it can sound something like this:

  PARENT: The reason Oscar doesn’t listen to us is that he thinks he’s so much smarter than we are.

  Now, it’s fairly common for people to make inaccurate inferences about one another. Indeed, responding effectively to these inaccuracies, in other words, setting people straight about yourself in a manner they can hear and understand, is a real talent and requires some big-time emotion regulation and communication skills. While there are some kids who are able to respond to speculation by making appropriate, corrective statements to set the record straight (“Dad, I don’t think that’s true at all”), a kid with concerning behaviors may not have those skills and may therefore become extremely frustrated in the face of these inaccuracies. This is an undesirable circumstance in and of itself, but it’s especially undesirable because whether Oscar thinks he’s smarter than his parents isn’t really the point. In fact, this topic is a detour that just distracts everyone from working collaboratively toward solutions to the unsolved problems that are setting the stage for Oscar’s challenging episodes. Of course, speculation can be a two-way street. From a child’s mouth, it might sound something like this:

  OSCAR: The only reason you guys get so mad at me so much is because you like pushing me around.

  Such statements can have the same detour effect, especially when adults follow along:

  MOTHER: Yes, that’s exactly right: our main goal in life is to push you around. I can’t believe you’d say that, after all we’ve been through with you.

  OSCAR: Well, what is your main goal then?

  FATHER: Our main goal is to help you be normal.

  OSCAR: So now I’m not normal. Thank you very much, loser.

  FATHER: Don’t you get disrespectful with me, pal.

  Speculation is a no-win proposition. Solving problems collaboratively is a win-win proposition. So, let’s stick to the script and, instead of speculating on what another family member is thinking or feeling, we’ll drill for that information instead. That takes a lot of the guesswork and speculating out of the mix.

  Another maladaptive communication pattern is overgeneralization. It refers to the tendency to draw global conclusions in response to isolated events. Here’s how it would sound from a parent:

  MOTHER: Ernesto, can you please explain to me why you never do your homework?

  ERNESTO: What are you talking about? I do my homework every night!

  MOTHER: Your teachers told me you have a few missing assignments this semester.

  ERNESTO: So does everybody! What’s the big deal? I miss a few assignments, and you’re ready to call in the damn cavalry!

  MOTHER: Why do you always give me such a hard time? I just want what’s best for you.

  ERNESTO: Stay out of my damn business! That’s what’s best for me!

  What a shame, because there may actually be ways in which Ernesto’s mother could help him with his homework or at least get some of the reassurance she was looking for about his completion of homework assignments. Not by starting the discussion with an overgeneralization, though. While other children are sometimes able to bypass their parents’ overgeneralizations and get to the real issues, many kids often react strongly to such statements and may lack the skills to respond appropriately with corrective information. You’re best off phrasing things as an unsolved problem (“Ernesto, your teachers tell me you’re missing a few homework assignments . . . What’s up?”) and leaving the overgeneralizations on the shelf.

  Another common tendency, perfectionism, sometimes prevents parents from acknowledging the progress their child has made and makes them cling to an old, unmodified vision of the child’s capabilities. Perfectionism is often driven less by the child’s lack of progress and more by the parents’ own anxiety. Wherever it’s coming from, perfectionism is usually counterproductive when applied to a child who may be tired of receiving feedback on practically everything they do or who may feel enormously frustrated by their parents’ unrealistic expectations:

  FATHER: Erica, your mother and I are pretty pleased about how mu
ch better you’re doing in school, but you’re still not working as hard as you ought to be.

  ERICA: Huh?

  MOTHER: We think you should be working harder.

  ERICA: I get my work done, don’t I?

  FATHER: Yes, apparently you do, but we want you to do extra math problems over the weekend so you can get even better at it.

  ERICA: Extra math problems? I already have too much homework over the weekend.

  FATHER: Well, that may be true, but we really think the extra math will be very helpful to you.

  ERICA: I’m not doing extra math problems over the weekend. I need a break over the weekend.

  MOTHER: We’re just trying to look out for you. Now, your father and I have already talked this over, so there’s no discussion on it.

  ERICA: No freaking way.

  Hmm. Erica may or may not actually be interested in thinking about how to improve in math. Either way, her parents would be far better off approaching her about it through Plan B.

  Here are some other maladaptive communication patterns you’ll want to avoid:

  SARCASM: Sarcastic remarks are often totally lost on kids who are black-and-white thinkers, because they don’t have the skills to figure out that the parent means the exact opposite of what they actually said.

  PUT-DOWNS: These are not a great way to engage a kid in solving problems collaboratively (“What’s the matter with you?! Why can’t you be more like your sister?”).