The Explosive Child
Page 17
12
Better
You’ve made it to the last chapter, and you’ve covered a lot of ground on the way. The first goal was to help you view your child more accurately, beginning with your new lenses: kids do well if they can. You now know that it’s far more important to focus on your child’s unsolved problems than on the concerning behaviors that are being caused by those problems. We dispensed with a lot of the things that are commonly said about concerning behaviors (they’re intentional, goal-oriented, and purposeful), about kids who exhibit concerning behaviors (they’re unmotivated, attention-seeking, manipulative, coercive, button-pushing), and about the parents of these kids (they’re passive, permissive, and inconsistent disciplinarians). You learned why traditional discipline, with its heavy emphasis on rewarding and punishing, may not have improved your situation. We concluded that the sheer force of your will—which may have served you well in other aspects of your life—is not going to be a central ingredient in solving problems with your child. We also decided that you’re not going to sacrifice your relationship with your child just because she’s having difficulty meeting certain expectations; in fact, your relationship with her is going to play a major role in making things better. We examined the various lagging skills that can make it difficult for your child to respond adaptively to problems and frustrations. We identified the specific expectations your child is having difficulty meeting and prioritized those unsolved problems. You learned how to solve problems, collaboratively and proactively. And you read about the different ways in which Plan B can go awry and how to get things back on track.
My hope is that things are now better in your household. If so, there are a lot of factors that could be at work. Things might be better because you understand your child’s difficulties better than you did before. Things might be better because you’ve removed some low-priority expectations from the equation (Plan C). Maybe things are better because you’re relying far less on Plan A and adult-imposed consequences. And things might be better because you and your problem-solving partner have collaboratively and proactively solved a bunch of the problems that were setting in motion concerning behaviors. Along the way, communication has also improved, and you should be feeling like your relationship with your child is moving in the right direction.
Sometimes it’s hard to notice that things are getting better. Some adults have a preordained notion of what life is going to be like when things are finally “better” and are disappointed to find that “better” isn’t perfect. Your child still has her moments. She’s still pretty rigid and inflexible. She can still be irritable or anxious sometimes. Making friends is still hard for her. Some parents wish it weren’t so hard to make things better or that it could be accomplished at a faster pace. How hard it is and how quickly progress is achieved differ for every kid and family. And the definition of “better” is different for every kid and family, too. For what it’s worth, here’s my definition of better: it’s better. And better begets better.
If you’ve been thinking, “Shouldn’t all children be raised this way?” the answer is “Yes, of course.” You see, while the model described in this book has its roots in the treatment of kids with concerning behaviors, those kids aren’t the only ones who could benefit from having their concerns identified and validated, taking another person’s concerns into account, participating in the process of generating and considering alternative solutions to problems, working toward mutually satisfactory solutions, and resolving disputes and disagreements without conflict. All kids benefit . . . and so do all adults.
And if you’re the type of person who likes to read the entire book before putting what you’ve read into action, your time has come.
* * *
Sandra and Debbie were on the phone again. It had been a week since Frankie came home from the inpatient unit.
“How’s Frankie doing?” asked Debbie.
“Well, he’s going to be in the partial hospitalization program in Amberville for a few more weeks,” said Sandra. “They’re trying to help me get things sorted out with the folks at school, see if there’s some way to get Frankie out of that program he hates. I don’t know how that’s going to pan out, but I feel like people are listening to me—and helping me—instead of just telling me what to do. But the door to his room isn’t closed all the time. And he participated in a Plan B conversation yesterday right here in our apartment—about playing his music too loud—with Matt helping out.”
“Wow, that’s progress,” said Debbie.
“Oh, we have a long way to go,” said Sandra. “I have a long way to go. I didn’t know how to talk to my own kid. I didn’t know how to solve problems with him. I was trying, but I didn’t know how. I was getting so worked up—about how things were going at school especially—that I let it get in the way. I was leaving out the most important person . . . Frankie. I’m seeing him in a very different way now. I think that may be the most important part. I feel like I have a piece of my son back.”
“I feel the same way about Jennifer,” said Debbie.
“I haven’t heard about Jennifer in the past few weeks,” said Sandra. “I’m sorry.”
“I think you’ve been a little busy,” said Debbie. “Jennifer’s talking. More with me than with Kevin, though he’s trying hard. It’s not easy for him to resist the temptation to rush through the Empathy step and head straight for solutions. But she corrects him when he does it.”
“She tells him how to do Plan B?”
“Yeah, it’s actually kind of funny. But we’re finding out what’s going on in that head of hers. She sure is rigid about some things. But we’re getting some problems solved.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“And she’s letting me tuck her in to bed at night again. She even let me hug her the other day without getting all pissed off about it.”
“No! She did?”
“Well, I gave her advance warning that a hug was coming. She also screamed at me a few minutes later because I’d rearranged something in her room. So, we have a lot more problems to solve.” Debbie paused. “Do you think our lives will ever be normal?”
Sandra laughed. “My life hasn’t been normal since the day I came into this world. I stopped shooting for normal a long time ago. Abnormal is my normal!”
Debbie pondered this. “So normal isn’t even the goal.”
“I know it sounds corny, but I’m just concentrating on doing what I can to make tomorrow slightly better than today for me and my kid. That’s what I’ve always done. I don’t know what’s around the bend. But I’m starting to feel like I know how I’ll handle it—whatever it is—when I get there.”
“And it’s a lot easier when your kid is your partner instead of your enemy.”
“Easier, for sure. Easy, no way.”
* * *
As you’d imagine, I receive a lot of email from parents and other caregivers. Many ask for help and guidance, others are seeking resources, and quite a few just want to let me know how things are going with their child. The following email, which I received from a father about twelve years ago, was especially memorable:
This evening, after my twelve-year-old daughter stayed up late to finish a project for school, I couldn’t help but reflect on how much she has changed in the past twenty months. Today she is a well-balanced student athlete with a great circle of friends. She demonstrates patience and good communication skills. Twenty months ago, she was certainly a behaviorally challenging child. We were quite certain that the only path to resolution was inpatient treatment. While we made some small advances in our understanding of her issues with local psychologists, we made little if any steps toward improvement. Then we read The Explosive Child. The issues and solutions became understandable and actionable. Without any professional help we implemented the solutions in the book, and over time the results have been amazing. I am writing to express my gratitude for providing the insights to restore normalcy in our lives. My child is back on the path t
o a productive and successful life. I have also learned a great deal about myself and human interaction in the process. I consider this the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Kids do well if they can. So do parents. And if things aren’t going well for you and your child . . . now you know what to do.
Acknowledgments
This being the sixth rendition of this book, this is the sixth acknowledgment section I’ve written for it. And I’m still thankful to many of the same people. My kids Talia and Jacob—now twenty-three and twenty years old—continue to keep me on my toes and help me practice what I preach. My mom, still living it up in her golden years, is also still a source of wisdom and empathy. And the book is still dedicated to my father, who died long before the first edition was published.
This book wouldn’t have been published without the vision and devotion of my friend and agent, Wendy Lipkind, who died in 2011. While I find myself wishing I could talk with her sometimes, I can still hear her sage wisdom whenever I think to ask for it.
My thinking about how to help kids and their adult caregivers get along better has been influenced by many parents, teachers, and supervisors. It was my incredible good fortune to be mentored by Dr. Thomas Ollendick while I was a graduate student in the clinical psychology program at Virginia Tech. Tom has remained a good friend and colleague for the past thirty years. Two mental health professionals who supervised me during my training years were particularly influential: Dr. George Clum (now retired from Virginia Tech) and Dr. Mary Ann McCabe (then at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C.). Lorraine Lougee, a social worker at CNMC, gets credit for pushing me to take a strong stand on behalf of kids who need help. And I probably wouldn’t have gone into psychology in the first place if I hadn’t stumbled across the path of Dr. Elizabeth Altmaier when I was an undergraduate at the University of Florida (she moved on to the University of Iowa and is now retired).
However, those who were most central to the evolution of many of the ideas in this book, and to whom I owe the greatest debt of gratitude, were the many kids, parents, educators, and staff with whom I’ve had the privilege of working over the years. There are truly amazing people in this world who care deeply about improving the lives of kids, have embraced the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model, and, with vision, energy, and relentless determination, have advocated for greater compassion and empathy for kids with concerning behaviors and implementation of the CPS approach in families, schools, clinics, inpatient units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities. It has been an honor to cross paths and work with you.
And, last but definitely not least, there’s Jenny, who I adore.
Index
A specific form of pagination for this digital edition has been developed to match the print edition from which the index was created. If the application you are reading this on supports this feature, the page references noted in this index should align. At this time, however, not all digital devices support this functionality. Therefore, we encourage you to please use your device’s search capabilities to locate a specific entry.
academic frustration, 205
ADHD, 13
adult-imposed consequences, 62, 64
algorithm of, 206
effectiveness of, 67
less reliance on, 234
loss of attention, 62
punishment, 62–63, 64
rewards, 62, 64
unrelenting purveyors of (view of adults as), 193
ALSUP. see Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems
Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems (ALSUP), 22, 48
completion of, 72, 76
discussion on, 55
importance of, 117
lagging skills on, 149, 191
problems identified on, 147
process, 54
as recommended pre-referral, triage instrument for schools, 212
wording of unsolved problem on, 44
autism spectrum disorder, 13, 32, 158
bad attitude, 36–37
bad choices, 36
basic vocabulary (example), 27–28
bipolar disorder, 2, 13, 54
black-and-white thinking, 32
caregivers
complaint from, 84
drilling vs. talking, 87
erroneous conclusion about using Plan B, 76
infant communication with, 155
problem with using Plan A, 74
responses of, 14, 134
shuttle diplomacy of, 182
tension between, 191
catastrophizing, 188
clumped unsolved problem, 47
cognitive impairments, 160
collaboration, in problem-solving of challenging episodes, 74, 140, 185. see also Plan B
communication. see also feedback
challenges (words or concepts to be taught first), 160
compromised skills of, 155
defining adult concern, 75
delays, 154
of difficulty meeting expectations, 14, 16
of infants, 155
limited ability of, 156
patterns (family), 183–189
problems (family), 172
raising the level of, 158
renewal of, 134
sufficiency of child’s verbal skills, 98
using language, 26
using less optimal words, 27
using picture, 159
using problem-solving binder, 161, 162
communication patterns
catastrophizing, 188
detour effect, statements having, 185
dwelling on the past, 189
interrupting, 189
lecturing, 12, 189
mind reading, 184
overgeneralization, 186–187
perfectionism, 187
psychologizing, 184
put-downs, 188
sarcasm, 188
speculation, 184, 185
talking through a third person, 189
compliance
expected, 62, 63–64
failure to comply, 65
family peace vs., 190
improved, 66
concerning behaviors
bad choices, 36
beliefs about factors contributing to, 5
cause of, 13, 44
common belief about kids with, 68
common things said about kids exhibiting, 9
communication and, 16, 183
consequences endured and, 67
diagnoses as lists of, 14
difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words, 26
diminishing, 134
disapproval of, 141
emotions evoked by, 192
Empathy step and, 84
false belief about, 204
family and, 171, 173
frequency of exhibition of, 10, 43
frustration and, 73, 184
grandparents helping with, 189–190
heightened likelihood of, 72
important focus regarding, 233
lagging skills and, 26
lesson learned from, 61
manipulation, 36
mentality dominating adult thinking, 12
pain of kids with, 140
parents of kids with, 223
parents’ self-blame for, 62
persistence of, 85
Plan A and, 146, 194
Plan B and, 118
Plan C and, 77
proactive problem solving of, 66
problems in living, 37
problem solved and, 230, 234
purpose of, 63
Q&A, 195, 207, 208, 228
reason for, 11, 63
at school, 203, 205, 210, 218
sibling with, 174
skills of kids exhibiting, 9
solutions that aren’t working and, 103
subsiding, 66
tension between caregivers caused by, 191
unsolved
problems precipitating, 156, 158
urgent territory of, 172
consequences, 61–70
adult-imposed, 62, 64, 193, 206, 234
concerning behaviors (lesson learned from), 61
concerning behaviors (purpose of), 63
discipline, tighter (components), 62–63
example, 68–70
expected compliance, 63–64
key points, 68
natural, 67
proactive problem solving, 66
questions, 66–67
school rationale for continued use of, 207
crucial skills, lack of, 10
Define Adult Concerns step (Plan B), 75, 98–101, 115
adult concerns, 99–101
categories, 99
difficulty of step, 99
goal of, 98
depression, 13
detour effect, statements having, 185
diagnosis
autistic spectrum, 32
bipolar disorder, 54
counterproductive, 14
information provided by, 152
psychiatric, 13
discipline
lax, 62
Q&A, 194–195
school program, 203, 205, 206
tighter (components), 62–63
discrepant observation, 88
disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, 2, 13
drilling
best default option, 128
Empathy step and, 127
example, 89–91
grilling vs., 131
perseverance, 128–129
primary goal of, 87
riskiest strategy, 88
strategies, 87–89
dwelling on the past, 189
Emergency Plan B, 108, 117, 146, 176, 213
Emergency Plan C, 79
Empathy step (Plan B), 75, 83–86, 115, 163, 176
beginning of, 85
child’s responses, 86–97