The importance of coming back to Virginia and sinking myself into my work without Nick by my side baffled even myself. Maybe it was just going to New Hampshire and having all those feelings of inadequacy come back. I shook away the negative vibes. Maybe, just maybe, after I had been back in Virginia for a while, I would go back to allowing Nick in my life again.
3
Jack
I rocked Charlotte to sleep. The poor baby had a high temperature and hadn’t been keeping much down. Seeing Isabelle--Izzy--on my step earlier made my whole world stop spinning. After eight years, she looked great. But why was she there? She hadn’t said anything. I smiled. Leave it to Charlotte to spit up right at that moment. I hadn’t intended for her to leave when I needed to clean up, but she had walked away. Walked away, just like she had forced me to do all those years ago.
It had been years before I was able to let go of my anger at her. I realized she had pushed me away and forced me to do the only thing I could. I had wanted to marry her. Eight years. I had thought of her almost every day for the past eight years, despite all that life threw at me. And, boy there had been obstacles in my life.
After I had walked away from Izzy, I had fought against the urge to call her. I needed answers, answers I knew I would never receive. Charlotte whimpered in her sleep and I patted her back softly. This little girl in my arms was my life now. Six months ago, my life had changed forever when she came into it.
Sensing Charlotte’s breathing deepen and even out, I laid her gently in the crib. As I stood over her, I smiled. Izzy would have been a great mom. Was she a mom?
I sat down in the living room, propped my feet up on the ottoman, and let my thoughts drift away to the past, as they did regularly. My life over the past few years had been a challenge, to say the least.
The memories came flooding back. My first marriage had been a bust and I had sworn I wouldn’t get myself into another marriage that wasn’t full of love and mutual desire. The day my divorce was final, I felt a sense of freedom, a weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. The only thing I had ever wanted in life was to love someone fully and have that love returned. I thought I had found that with Isabelle. My God. Seeing her on my doorstep this morning had thrown me. I had wanted to pull her into my arms and just ask her why. Why had she pushed me away? Why was she standing there in front of me?
I shook the thoughts of Izzy from my mind and concentrated on my current situation. I met Madde and immediately had felt a connection with her. We meshed and, seemingly, wanted the same things from life. Six months after knowing each other, I felt it was time to move to the next step and proposed. She had accepted before I had finished the question. It was a whirlwind planning of a wedding, which thankfully was small and intimate. Life was good for a couple of months, until Madde started pushing to get pregnant.
I had wanted kids, but never was in a rush. I agreed with Madde so quickly because I wanted to make her happy. Instead, after six months and still no luck, we started the process of testing to see where issues may or may not lie. I was prepared to be supportive of any issues Madde might have, but when it turned out I was the one who was unable to have kids, Madde was not so supportive. Less than a year into our marriage, and the breakdown started. Instead of the life trial bringing us closer, it tore us apart. There was no thought of other options. Madde was stuck on wanting her own child. I had hoped, even prayed, that she would change her mind so we could still be parents through adoption, but she was stubborn on that front.
Then came Charlotte, and I didn’t even think about it. Without a second thought, I took the little girl who needed a mother and father into my life, Madde’s life, and our marriage. But if the truth be told, it never crossed my mind that Madde would be so angry at an innocent baby because of it; I thought Charlotte’s presence in the home would change her mind.
“Jack?”
I opened my eyes and saw Madeline in the doorway. “I must have dozed off. Charlotte’s in bed, sleeping, finally.”
She nodded and crossed over to sit on the couch. “Jack, what are we going to do?”
I shook my head. “Not now. Madde, just let it go for right now. Charlotte’s been really sick and I’m just wiped out. I’m going to bed.”
“You always do this. It always has to be on your timeline.” Madde’s voice rose an octave.
“Don’t you dare start so you wake her up. We both know it won’t be you who soothes her back to sleep. You’ll go to bed and ignore that precious little girl in there.”
She stood and looked like she was going to let loose -- the familiar rant of how much I loved the child more than I did her, but instead, she just glared at me before heading to the bedroom. The door shut with a resounding thud…at least quieter than I had expected, but enough that I heard the soft cries start from Charlotte’s room.
I sighed. It was going to be another long night. I rubbed Charlotte’s back as I leaned over the crib, giving her just enough touch that she settled. She hadn’t fully woken up and maybe, just maybe, I would be able to get a few hours of sleep.
Madde. Madeline had no problems getting sleep these days. She refused to get up with Charlotte and adamantly refused to take care of a sick child. “Not my child” had become her mantra and I was getting very sick of it. Not her child. Nope, well, then maybe she should just walk out like everyone else did when things got rough. Sorry, Izzy. That was aimed at you. Although, in my mind, I know Izzy had made me do the walking away and, somehow, I had been okay with that. If it made it easier for Izzy, I would be the bad guy. But she broke my heart and I had yet to recover from it.
Charlotte’s whimpers brought me from my thoughts and I scooped her up. Sitting in the rocking chair, I cradled the baby against me and rocked. Charlotte soon settled down. I watched her sleep, amazed at how much love I felt for this child who I had only known a short time. My heart ached for her; I longed to protect her from any hurt with a fierceness that surprised me.
4
I was exhausted. Charlotte, on the other hand, was feeling better and babbling away this morning as I held her, giving her a bottle. She kept popping it out of her mouth to give me a smile. It melted my heart. This loveable little sweetheart just needed to smile and those dimples in her pudgy cheeks would bring me to my knees. She was going to be a heartbreaker when she got older. I should start planning building a tower, now, to lock her in.
“Good morning, Madde.” Madde had walked past to the kitchen without a word. Oh, was this getting old, her wounded attitude.
“Morning,” she finally mumbled.
“When are you going to stop this attitude?” Charlotte reached out a hand towards Madde. I waited to see if she would respond, and again I was disappointed as she ignored the sweet baby.
“I wanted to talk about it last night, but you didn’t want to. And once again, we are on your timeline so I’m the bad guy because I don’t want to talk about it now.”
“I was tired and yet you woke her up with your slam of the bedroom door last night. It was me who stayed up with her, not you.”
Madde glared at me. “Not my child.”
“Yes, you keep reminding me. You wanted a child, remember?” I picked Charlotte up to my shoulder to pat her back. “You begged me to have a child.”
“Yes, our child. And then we couldn’t. I certainly didn’t want to raise someone else’s child.” The coolness of her words washed over me.
“If we are raising her, it is our child.” I couldn’t fathom the venom that was coming from her mouth, aimed at a child barely six months of age. It wasn’t Charlotte’s fault that she was sitting here in my lap, a consequence of someone else’s mistake. Charlotte, herself, was not the mistake and I would give my last breath to make sure this little girl knew love.
“You didn’t have to take her in…and without asking me.” Madde’s voice projected the hurt she had been holding in for the past six months.
“Is that the problem? I didn’t ask you about bringing Charlotte h
ome? You’re angry at a baby because you weren’t put first in the decision? You weren’t put ahead of an infant’s needs?” Anger rose in me. “How selfish are you going to be? When will you ever think of anyone, but yourself?”
Madde glared at me. “Me, selfish? That’s rich, Jack. You and your damn soft heart. You’d take in every stray if you could. This child was not your responsibility, but you do anything for your niece, so here she is. Look in a mirror, if you want to see selfish.”
I had had it with the conversation. I placed Charlotte in her swing and gave her a toy. Upon turning towards Madde, I saw a look of pain cross her face before she neutralized her expression and said “You have no idea how I feel or think. You consider it selfish on my part. I consider it selfish on yours. I see how you look at that child.”
“What?” I replied.
“You wanted your own child and you now have one. And lucky for you, you didn’t need me to get it.”
Of all the idiotic things to say. I was speechless and just stared at her. She threw me a withering look before she turned and left the house. Two years of marriage seemed like eternity when it was with a person that you had no idea who they really were. Madde and I seemed to hit it off at the beginning, but when the real-life things hit us, we found out very quickly how different we were in our way of handling obstacles. Marrying, after knowing Madde only six months, obviously, wasn’t enough time to get to know her, truly get to know her.
I was baffled by the pain in Madde’s eyes when I caught her looking at Charlotte when she thought I couldn’t see her, but it was there. Yet, she wanted nothing to do with her, or me for that matter. Was she afraid that Charlotte would come between me and her? Life had done that long before the baby arrived.
If I was being honest, I loved the days when I worked at home, Charlotte playing in the background and Madde gone from the house. Life seemed almost normal, except I missed Izzy. I shook my head. No, I would not go there.
It’s true. I have a soft heart and when my niece told me about her friend being pregnant and not being able to keep the child, I jumped at the opportunity to help her out. It was unconventional, but not unheard of, for a private adoption to take place. When my niece called to tell me that the baby was born, my first thought was how I wanted to share this moment with Izzy. Find out what her thoughts were, what would she do. Ironically, Madde’s opinion never entered my mind and she was right about that, I never even consulted her. She had come home from work to find me holding Charlotte, and a pile of baby things on the couch. The cruel irony of it was Izzy, who couldn’t talk to me when I needed her to, was the one person I wanted to talk to more than anything about life’s challenges.
I sat to check my emails. I had been waiting for an email from Neil, my best friend, who, after I had left the service, brought me onboard with his company in flipping houses. I had put a tidy nest egg away in doing this for the past few years. Neil had started in real estate and found all these small, run-down houses that we had been flipping and selling for a hefty profit. Unbeknownst to Madde, I had been splitting my profits between our joint account and a separate personal account. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to do this, but after my first marriage ended, I had this niggling thought to keep a safety net for myself just in case.
I glanced over at Charlotte in her swing, content as ever. She was an easy baby, that was for sure. I pulled up my emails and there it was. We’ve got it was in the subject line and I clicked on it. A new-to-the-market house that was extremely run down and possibly would need to be leveled, Neil had acquired. He had paid a bit more than we normally would have liked to, but he felt, with the elderly lady who was living there, that she deserved a bit more to get her into the assisted living place.
I replied regarding arrangements to go through the place the next day and see what exactly needed to be done. I loved this job as it gave me the flexibility of being home with Charlotte when I needed to be. My sister or my niece had no problem watching her when I needed to be on the job site for the day. It had been an ideal situation before Charlotte came into my life, but even more so, now that she was here. Madde never understood the job and thought it was unethical, stating we were taking advantage of people by buying their run-down houses, fixing them and selling them for a profit. She didn’t have much of a business mind and it had led to many arguments.
I looked at the next email. I had, on a whim, sent an email to a counselor who had been recommended to me. Neil had seen, first-hand, the shambles my marriage was in after Charlotte entered the picture, and he had been the one to whom I vented my frustration about the hands-off attitude Madde had. He had seen this counselor himself and highly recommended him. The man had set up an appointment for me to meet with him on Wednesday, only a couple of days away. Maybe, just maybe, I would finally be able to make some sense of my life and where I had ended up. It wasn’t a bad spot, just not where I thought I would be.
The next morning was sunny and Charlotte definitely was back to her happy-tempered self. I dropped her off at my sister’s before heading to the newly acquired house. Pulling up in front of the ranch-style home, my heart sank. This was the worst of everything we had done in the past and I was only seeing the outside. I couldn’t imagine what the inside looked like.
I exited the vehicle and slowly walked to the front of the house. Standing back away from the door, I took in the exterior. The clapboard siding was rotten in places and in other places, just plain broken off. From the extent of the downtrodden appearance, I would imagine the inside would be filled with water damage and, quite possibly, mold. Shutters were missing from most of the windows and what was left were hanging by, quite literally, a screw. I glanced up to the roof and saw missing shingles.
The front door opened and Neil stepped out. “About time you got here.”
I smiled. “Please tell me this,” I gestured to the exterior, “is the worst of it.”
Neil’s chuckle gave it away. “Come on. This is a challenge.”
“What were you thinking?” I shook my head and walked towards the door. “Show me the inside. I’m prepared for the worst.”
We stepped inside to a small foyer, whose hardwood flooring was almost black with water damage. I pointed down to it. “Mold?”
“Possibly. I wouldn’t be surprised. We do have a mold problem further in.”
I stared at Neil. He knew mold was nearly impossible to get rid of and would probably require a complete demolition, if it was extensive.
“Don’t get that look. I know what we’re in for, but look at the place and then at the plans I have for it before you give an opinion.” Neil walked through a small door opening into a small room. It was no bigger than 8x10, and, yet, this was the living room. The carpet was threadbare and stained. Paint was peeling off the walls with looks of what could have been wallpaper under the paint. I groaned inwardly. I could not believe Neil had actually bought this dump.
“How much land is with this place?” I asked as I stepped into the kitchen off the living room.
“Two acres, which is a good size for this section of town.” Neil replied.
I nodded. The kitchen was no better than anything else I had seen so far. Cupboards had missing doors, paint was peeling and the wall behind the stove looked like it was smoke covered. I pointed to it. “Fire?”
“I don’t think so. I think it’s just years of smoke, soot that never has been cleaned.”
I stared at him. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
Neil shrugged. “You know these houses can be in shambles.”
“Not usually to this extent. You don’t usually pay for this crap and, from what you told me, you paid more than it was worth.”
Neil grinned. “I couldn’t leave grandma without anything.”
I shook my head. “Softie” I mumbled.
The two bedrooms were worse and, at the bathroom, with one glance from the door, I turned without stepping foot into it. I headed for the back door and to the yard. It was very spaci
ous and open. It, really, was only in need of a good mowing. “Well, finally something that is decent. Even enough room for a pool, if someone wanted.” The irony of a place for a pool when the house was in such bad condition was not lost on me.
“Let’s look at my plans.” Neil broke through my thoughts. He pulled out the notebook he constantly carried, flipping pages until he got to the right one. “Here.”
He handed it to me and I glanced down. I looked up at Neil and back to the notebook. There were no numbers on the paper, but the sketch I was looking at was, obviously, a new build, three-bedroom, two-bathroom ranch. The addition of a bedroom and a bath would be a huge selling point. The living room and kitchen area was total open concept, a complete opposite from the maze inside where all the rooms were connected by a small doorless frame. The open concept would give the appearance of a large space, even if actual footage was small.
I nodded. “Okay. This looks good. What are the numbers?”
“Well…I don’t have all the numbers worked out yet. Obviously, we need to completely level this place. It has too much mold in it and will, definitely, be cheaper to start from scratch. Then we can add some square footage to it to help with the resale.”
“I agree.” I waited. When Neil beat around the bush regarding numbers it typically meant that it was going to be more expensive.
“I worked the numbers for a rehab instead of a new build. Those numbers were well over fifty grand.” Neil took a breath. “We can probably…numbers aren’t final…do a new build for about a hundred grand.”
I gave a low whistle. “Man…don’t you think that is pretty steep?”
“I have my girl doing comp on sales around here recently.” Neil’s ‘my girl’ was his real estate girlfriend who always found him the places to buy.
Making the Rules Page 2