A horn honked behind me indicating the light had turned green and my decision was made for me as I moved forward with traffic towards the house site. I couldn’t help but wonder whose coat it was. She didn’t mention meeting a friend this morning, and it was in the work day when I would have expected her be at her office. The questions soon fled my mind as I pulled into the driveway of our newly acquired project and saw Neil waiting for me.
The rest of the day was spent walking through the property with our general contractor, making lists and estimating prices for things that needed to be done. Rebuilding would mean a whole brand new house and a high selling price. Neil, on the other hand, usually all about maintaining as much of the original as he could and just renovating, was, for a change, onboard with the new build. It would be knocked flat the next morning and the day after that, we would start the construction.
The day flew by, as was the case with the days when I stayed busy and I pulled into my sister’s driveway close to dinnertime. Madde had already texted me and said she would be working late. Questions filled my mind again about who she was with and if she was truly working. Would Madde actually have an affair or did she simply meet a girlfriend to talk out her frustrations with our marriage?
My sister greeted me at the door with Charlotte in her arms. Her dimples deepened when she saw me and held out her arms for me to take her. Any questions in my mind of Madde disappeared as this cherub in my arms eased the negative thoughts from me and filled my heart with joy.
“How was she?” I asked.
My sister shut the door behind me. “Perfect, as always. Staying for dinner?”
“Sure. Madde is working late.” My sister glanced at me, but didn’t say anything. “We’re starting a new project out on Old Route 28.”
“New or renovate?” She asked.
“New. Neil wanted to renovate, but there’s too much rot and mold inside. New was the only way to go on this one.”
My sister moved around the kitchen getting dinner as I sat at the table holding Charlotte. We hadn’t spent much time talking about my life lately and I had been debating whether or not tell her about Isabelle showing up. I sighed. Did I risk taking the chance of her being upset? She had not been happy with Isabelle when we broke up, although I know she stayed friendly with her. She had kept me apprised of what Isabelle was doing and I did know that she had moved to Virginia, which was one of the reasons I had been shocked to see her on my doorstep…in New Hampshire.
“Guess who I saw last week.”
My sister shook her head at me. “I can’t imagine.”
I took a deep breath. “Isabelle.”
My sister set the spoon down she was holding and turned to look at me. She leaned back against the counter and just watched me for a moment before speaking. “Where did you see her?”
I gave a half smile. “On my doorstep.”
“What?” She moved to the table and slid into a chair. “She came to see you? And you’re just telling me now?”
“Yes, and yes.” I looked down at Charlotte. I didn’t want to meet my sister’s eyes as I feared she would see how much I still cared for Izzy.
“Jack?” She spoke softly.
I looked up and shook my head. “I don’t know why she was there. We didn’t get a chance to talk.”
“What do you mean?”
“I answered the door and saw her. Before she could say anything this little one spits up all over me. I had to clean up and before I could say anything, she turned and walked away.”
“Wait. She came to your house and then turned and left before saying anything to you? That doesn’t make sense.”
I stood and walked over to the playpen in the corner of the kitchen, placing Charlotte in it with a few toys. Taking a deep breath, I tried to gather my thoughts before turning to my sister. “I don’t know. She looks good though.”
My sister gave me a quizzical look. “Looks good. Jack, what are you saying?”
“Nothing other than she looks good.” I gave a small laugh.
“You still care for her.” It was a statement. “I know you never stopped loving her. I could see it in your face every time I mentioned something she was doing. It’s the reason I stopped telling you things. I didn’t want my talking about her to hurt you more.”
“It didn’t hurt…well, it did, but I wanted to know, too. I always believed there was more to what happened, but she wouldn’t talk to me. I still believe her parents played a role in it, but I don’t know for sure.”
My sister nodded. “I know I never really talked to you about what happened. You never said how the break up happened or what was said, and I didn’t want to ask questions because I could see how devastated you were. I probably should have talked with you about it. I waited for Marie to say something whenever I saw her, but she never mentioned it. It was like Isabelle and you had never been together.”
“I don’t understand that. I felt you had ignored the whole thing, too.”
“I never meant for you to feel that way. I thought I was doing you a favor by not talking about it.” My sister stood back up to continue with dinner.
“We were young, and hadn’t been together very long, but I loved her with everything I had. I wanted to marry her, you know?”
My sister glanced at me. “I didn’t know it was that serious between you. It had only been a month or so, right?”
“Five weeks. But it was different than anything I had known to that point or even since. I have never had a relationship where I felt so strongly that it was right, as I did with Izzy.”
My sister smiled at the nickname. Very few people had called her Izzy, but I always did and loved that she would light up every time. The memories came back full force…times I had tried not to think about for years. Christmas Eve together and how I had held her in my arms while we talked softly about Christmas. And the memory of our time at the barracks, that memory that was burned into my mind and showed itself often…too often for comfort sometimes. Her innocence and her desire for me shown so clearly, without fear.
“Where’d you go, Jack?” My sister’s voice broke through the memories.
“Just thinking of the past.” I shrugged. “What’s for dinner? Need help?”
My sister knew me too well to know that I wasn’t really offering to help with dinner, well, I was and always helped when I could, but she knew it more to be a deflection of the past and talking about Isabelle. She knew how sensitive I was and how much hurt I had suffered after the breakup with Isabelle. Breakup. It was almost comical to call it that. There was no fight, no words of breaking up. It had been Izzy not talking to me and me just walking away, and never talking again. Not much closure for either of us, which is probably why it had hurt so much. Had Isabelle hurt like I had? Did she regret shutting me out? Or was she glad to be rid of me?
“It’s ready. Spaghetti with meatballs.”
I helped her set the table and brought Charlotte to the table in her high chair, giving her small pieces of a meatball and feeding her some pasta. Peace. This was how life should be, dinner with family.
12
Isabelle
I hadn’t talked to Nick in a few days, although I had sent him a text thanking him for the sand dollar. Part of me was relieved to have some space to just focus on work and ignore everything else that was falling apart around me, and the other part was wondering why he backed off.
Work had become my haven. I would arrive early morning, most days by six, and didn’t leave until close to seven. I was editing the two new authors I had brought on and Gayle had even left the managing of meetings with the marketing and graphic design teams to me. She would sit in on them, but she clearly was allowing me to run point on these two books. Days turned into weeks and I found myself working as the same long hours on the weekend. I had truly become a workaholic and I didn’t even seem to notice.
Realizing a month had gone by since that night with Diane and the subsequent fallout with Nick, or really, fallout w
ith Nick and then night at Diane’s, I contemplated my life choices one night. For the first time in a month, I packed up my work things at five to head for home. It was Friday and maybe, just maybe, I would only work a half day tomorrow. Diane and I kept in touch daily, but I hadn’t had the time to get together with her at all. I did have my next meeting with Mary on Monday since we were only meeting once every six weeks. Had that much time really passed since my return from New Hampshire?
I arrived home and, for once, thought about actually cooking a meal. However, upon further inspection of the fridge, I realized it had been a while since I had done any grocery shopping. I sent Diane a text. Have you eaten yet? Home early for a change.
Within seconds she replied. Flamingo for burgers and drinks?
Meet you there in 20. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, I wandered down the boardwalk onto the pier. It was a Friday night, but since the evenings had gotten cooler, the pier wasn’t as crowded as it had been in the summer months. September was a great month for the beach. Most kids were back in school and it was mostly just the locals left hanging around. Diane had beat me again when I arrived, but this time, she had found a table off to the side.
“Nice that the tourists are gone.” I said as I slid into the chair. “Did you already order?”
“Just margaritas. Wasn’t sure you really wanted a burger or if you were going to do your usual salad and make me look bad.” Diane grinned.
The waitress came with our drinks and took our orders. I surprised Diane and ordered a burger with fries. Not my usual meal, but comfort food sometimes was just what was needed.
Once the waitress had left, Diane sat back and looked at me. “Have you seen him?”
“No, but he left a gift outside my door. A sand dollar with this cute little note about how it was a survivor of storms, but fragile, so it needed to be gentle, as approaching life, and to be flexible. It was a cute thought.”
Diane smiled. “So, he’s trying to make amends, huh?”
I laughed, “Yes, I suppose he is. But the weird thing is, I haven’t heard from him at all since. Even when I sent him a thank you text, no response at all.”
“But you have been working a lot of hours.”
“Yeah, I know. But that has never stopped him before. He used to text throughout the day and stuff.”
Diane sipped her drink. “Are you missing that?”
“I don’t know, honestly. I’m so busy at work taking on these two new authors that I really don’t have time to think about it.”
Diane nodded. “And what about other thoughts?”
“Meaning?” I knew what she meant, but needed to stall.
“Jack.”
I nodded. “Yes, I think about him. How can I not?”
“I get it, but what are you going to do about it?” Diane asked.
“I don’t know. I see Mary Monday. Maybe it’s time to talk it out with her.”
Diane laughed. “It must be really bad if you think you need to open up in counseling.”
“Oh, shut up.” Thankfully the food had arrived and I was spared any further ridicule from someone I now considered my best friend.
The evening was spent talking about Diane’s love life, or lack thereof, and I spent the evening pointing out potential partners for her.
13
Isabelle
I dragged my feet just a bit getting into Mary’s. I knew there were things she was going to immediately dive into, but I was still reluctant to completely open up about the trip.
“How’ve the past few weeks been?” Mary jumped right into it as soon as the door shut behind me.
“They have been good. I’ve been busy with work. Long hours the past few weeks. I’ve taken on two new authors, and Gayle has given me the lead on them.”
“And how’s Nick?”
I shifted in my chair. “Good, I guess. We had a bit of a blow out and since then he has backed off and hasn’t texted me at all. He did leave a gift outside my apartment door, but didn’t respond when I thanked him.”
“What was the fall-out about?” Mary prodded.
“Him being needy and possessive. He made a snarky comment about having a reunion with Jack. He’s hot and cold. First, he’s irritable and possessive, and then he’s trying to make up for it. He’s not the Nick he was before the trip.”
“Why do you think that is?”
I stared at her a moment. “I don’t know.”
“Do you think it’s from you leaving on the trip and talking about seeing Jack? Maybe he just needs reassurance as to where you two are in your relationship.”
“I don’t think so. It’s more than that, but I can’t put my finger on it. He’s jumpy. Honestly, I have been more relaxed without him around, the way he has been.”
Mary nodded and waited for me to continue. “You never answered my question last time.”
“What question?”
“Did you see Jack?”
“Why is everyone so anxious to find out the answer to that? I told Nick I didn’t.”
Mary looked at me. “But again, that didn’t answer my question.”
“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“Well, that’s a partial answer right there.”
I stood and made my way to the window. I looked out at the ocean and just wanted to hear the sounds of the waves. My stomach was churning and anxiety rolled through my chest making it burn.
“Isabelle, come sit, please.”
I turned and looked at the chair and then at Mary. I didn’t move for a moment and then I made my way back to the chair. “Please, not this subject.”
Mary watched me, her eyes boring into me like she could read the beatings of my heart. “When you’re ready,” she finally said.
I nodded. I tried to slow my breathing as I felt the pain in my chest hit me. My breathing accelerated and became shallow. My hand went to my chest as the pain grew.
“Isabelle, deep breaths.” Mary was beside me in an instant. “It’s a panic attack. Deep breaths, focus on me.”
I looked at her and tried to keep my eyes locked with hers. My chest hurt. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my breathing. It seemed like an eternity, but after a half hour passed, the pain subsided and my breathing evened out. Mary was holding my hand.
“Is this the first time you’ve had a panic attack?”
“Yes. I thought it was a heart attack.”
Mary nodded. “Yes, the pain can be pretty intense in the chest area.”
“Is this something that is going to happen to me from now on?” I could feel the panic rising again.
Mary squeezed my hand. “No. I think you holding back on some of these topics is what caused it.”
Tears filled my eyes.
“What’s holding you back, Isabelle?”
“I don’t want to feel the pain again. It feels like I just got through feeling like I couldn’t handle the guilt of what I did to Jack all those years ago and I just don’t want to bring that pain back.”
“Was it painful to see him?” Mary asked.
“I didn’t tell you I saw him.” I deflected.
“You didn’t have to. Your body language said it from the first visit we had when you got back.” Mary paused. “I didn’t push it last time because of the break-in and you talked about your parents, but Isabelle, you have to tell me what happened.”
“I went to see him.” I stopped and ran the scene through my head again. Driving up his driveway, seeing his yard, his house…wondering if there had been a wife to fix it up, and knocking on his door. The tears that had filled my eyes let go and ran like rivers down my cheeks.
Mary handed me a tissue. “Talk it out.”
“I was scared to approach his door, but after the confrontation with my parents and learning about my real mother, I felt invincible…that I could handle anything.” I paused. “I wasn’t prepared to look into those blue eyes. To see him. I wasn’t prepared for the rush of emotions.
”
“Okay. I take it he opened the door himself so you didn’t have to deal with anyone else such as a wife.”
I nodded. The tears continued to fall. “He…he…” I cleared my voice.
“He what, Isabelle?”
“I can’t.” I shook my head and started to stand again.
Mary held up her hand to stop me. “Don’t run to the window. We don’t have to talk about it, but you can’t run from it either.”
I sank back into the chair.
“What are you thinking about this whole situation? Forget telling me about seeing him. We’ll talk another time about that. But what have your emotions been since you have been back?”
“All over the place. My mind races with what ifs…what if I hadn’t pushed him away, what if we had stayed together.”
“The what if game is a powerful thing. It can lead you down a dark place if you are not careful. We can’t change the past, Isabelle. You can only learn from it and move forward.”
I nodded. “I know that. But I wasn’t prepared to realize…” I trailed off and stared into space.
“To realize what?” Mary prodded.
“That I still loved him. I gave him my heart all those years ago and he still has it. Does that sound ridiculous?”
“Quite the contrary. I think it’s quite possible that you still love him. There has been no closure.”
“How do I get closure?” I asked her.
“That’s different for everybody. There is no one definite act that gives you closure. Did you have a conversation at all with him?”
I shook my head. “Not really. He called me by name immediately so, he did recognize me. I left though.”
“You left without saying anything.”
“It’s a long story, but I can’t go into it right now.”
Mary let it slide, although I knew she wasn’t happy about me deflecting again. “Let’s stop there tonight. You need to go home and get a good night’s sleep. No work tonight. Just rest and let your body recover from the panic attack.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
Making the Rules Page 6