“Let’s see each other again in just three weeks instead of waiting so long.” Mary suggested.
“Okay.” I made the appointment and walked to my car. My thoughts were racing and I couldn’t help but feel a tightness in my chest again. I sat in my car and breathed deeply for a while before I felt comfortable enough to drive home. A hot bath and early to bed might just be what I needed and, with any luck, I would sleep through the night.
14
Jack
As I pulled up in front of Charles Winham’s office, I realized that, although I thought I had been dreading this appointment, I actually was looking forward to hearing his insight into this crazy life I had suddenly. The dynamics between Charlotte and Madde had only intensified instead of lessening. Charlotte felt the tension and negative energy that Madde exuded and cried whenever she was around, which just made the negativity from Madde even more present.
Charles was waiting for me when I walked in the door. “Come right in, Jack.” I settled into the worn leather arm chair and waited for him to start. The silence continued for a few minutes before he started. “How’s Charlotte?”
I immediately relaxed. “She is such a joy. I can’t even explain how much that little girl fills my day with happiness.”
Charles nodded. “And Madde?”
My smile disappeared. “Nothing new. Charlotte feels the tension and cries whenever she is in the room, which of course does not help matters.”
“A child can certainly pick up on any ill-will towards them or tension in the air. Have the two of your talked about the situation at all?”
“Not really. One night she wanted to, but Charlotte had been sick and I was exhausted and just couldn’t deal with it. When I tried to bring it up in the morning, she refused to talk because she states it was on ‘my time table’ and not when she wanted to.” I shook my head. “I’m so frustrated with the whole situation.”
“Let’s talk about that. What frustrates you exactly?”
I pondered the question. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what was the launching point of the frustration. “I guess the fact that we can’t talk about it, or the fact that she seems to be angry, but won’t say what she is angry about.”
“And you don’t think she’s angry that you didn’t discuss it with her?”
“Oh, she probably is, but I think there is more to it. When I brought Charlotte home, I truly expected Madde to be thrilled. She had wanted a child so badly. I thought maternal instinct would kick in and she would just love her even if she wasn’t her biological child.”
“Do you think she wants to, but is holding back because you left her out of the process?”
I stared at him. “I didn’t intentionally leave her out. There was no time for a discussion.”
“No need to be defensive, Jack. It’s a question, not a judgement.”
I sighed. “I don’t know. There are moments I catch her watching Charlotte and she has almost a pained look on her face. I don’t understand what it is about an infant that would hurt her.”
“Jack, you know as well as I do that women view things very differently. Do you think it’s possible that she’s hurting because she couldn’t have children?”
“Well, technically she can have a child. It was I who couldn’t give her that.”
“Right, but she wanted your child…her husband’s child. Do you think it could be painful to her that it was something she wanted with you, not for you bring one home to her?”
I ran my hand over my face, trying to erase the irritation. “So, she’s mad because she didn’t get her own way, instead of being happy that she would still have an opportunity to be a mom.” It was a statement and, even as I said it, I could hear the ridiculousness of my tone.
“I think you know that probably isn’t the case.”
I stood and paced the room. Why had I actually looked forward to this man’s insight? It was not really what I wanted to hear, but, then again, when did any of us really want to hear the truth about our faults?
I was pacing the floor in Charles’ office. The air hung heavy between us. “Well, Jack?” The question pulled me from my thoughts. I shook my head.
“I don’t have an answer. Obligation…it’s what makes us stay in situations we don’t want to be in. That’s the obvious answer, but I’m not sure that’s what you are looking for.”
“Jack, it’s not so much what I’m looking for. You said you stayed in your marriage out of obligation. I asked you to think about what that word means to you.” Charles watched me pace and waited.
“To me, obligation is doing the right thing.” My mind drifted back to Izzy and my words to her about obligation. No wonder she pushed me away.
“Jack?”
I shrugged and slid into the chair. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s my cop-out, my way of not making a decision because I don’t know where it will lead me.”
“Have you ever had a time where that word has tripped you up, maybe put you on a different path than you wanted to be?”
“Once, I guess. Once, that changed my life forever.” I sat back, defeated.
“Okay, well let’s start with that.”
“There’s not much to say. I was in love with a girl eight years ago, made love to her, and then told her there was an obligation there.”
“Why was there an obligation? Because you had sex?” Charles had laid his paper and pen aside.
“She was a virgin. I didn’t want her to think I had just taken advantage of her, but maybe I did.”
“Did you love her?”
I nodded. “Yes.” The word was a whisper.
“Did she love you?”
“I…I don’t know. She never said, but I never told her either.”
“Why did you feel obligated to her, Jack? Lots of girls lose their virginity and they don’t have to get married because of it.”
I sighed. “I didn’t feel obligated to marry her because I was her first. I wanted to marry her because I loved her. I guess I didn’t know how to say it and, instead, the word obligation came out and, suddenly, it was over. She pushed me away until I walked away.”
Charles just sat there watching me, his expression neutral, not saying a word…just watching. “Do you still love her?”
I met his eyes. “I still care for her very much…is it still love when you haven’t seen someone for eight years?”
“It could be. Some people just don’t fall out of love over a break-up.” Charles leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “The question is that, if you don’t still love her, what has stopped you from not living the life you wanted?”
“Haven’t I lived the life I wanted? I have a great job, Charlotte is wonderful…” My voice trailed off.
“Yes, your job and your daughter are great things in your life, but you don’t have the love of a wife and I’m not sure you have the love for your wife.”
Those words hit me hard. No, I certainly didn’t love Madde like a husband should love his wife, but I wouldn’t say I didn’t love her at all. On some level I did still love her. All I had wanted from a marriage was a woman to respect me and love me for who I am. I needed someone in my corner, who would have my back in the tough moments. Someone who, when there were obstacles, would hold my hand and take them head-on with me. “Why does it have to be so complicated?” I asked Charles.
“Is it complicated? Or are you making it complicated because fear has you rooted where you don’t want to be?” Charles sat back.
“Of course, it’s complicated.” I shot back.
“How so?”
“Well,” I searched for the right words. “Life is never simple. There are always complications.”
“That’s not an answer.”
I smiled. I knew it wasn’t an answer, but more of a deflection because I had no answers. If I had the answers I needed, I wouldn’t be sitting here with a therapist. “I don’t have the answer, or any answers.”
“You don’t need all the answers, Jack. You
just need to make a move one way or another. Stop being stagnant in your life and move forward. Grow from the experiences you have had--with this girl eight years ago, from your first marriage and from your current one. Take those moments that have been tough and realize it’s okay that those moments shape your life, just don’t let them define your life.”
I stared at him. Had I let my experiences shape my life? Even define me? “I’m not sure I understand. Of course, everything we do in life continues to shape us and creates who we are.”
Charles nodded. “Yes, but have you allowed yourself to change and grow with these experiences?”
“I’m not sure. How?” I was baffled. I was a smart man; these questions shouldn’t be rendering me mute.
“If you continue to live your life feeling obligated to everyone, you aren’t changing and growing. You are stuck in a phase of life that leaves you making decisions based on what you feel you have to do, not what you want to do.”
“So, you think I should get a divorce?”
Charles shook his head. “That isn’t what I said. I think you need to do some soul searching about what is keeping you from moving forward -- either in your marriage or outside of the marriage vows.”
I nodded.
“That’s your assignment for next time. Think about what it is you want to be doing with your life. What choices would you have made if you hadn’t put obligation first?”
I sat in my car after leaving Charles’ office and pondered his comments. I had no idea how to even go about thinking about myself, putting myself ahead of anyone. Even when Izzy pushed me away, against my better judgement, I walked away. I had really wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her we could face anything. Instead I did what I knew Izzy wanted, not what was best for us…for me.
Madde. I had no idea where I should even broach things with her. We needed to talk, but I couldn’t bring it up, without her balking. But I didn’t have a clue how to get her to start the conversation.
15
Isabelle
Tuesday brought the sun and a new perspective on life. I had slept soundly for the first time in months. After the hot bath, and a cup of tea, I had curled up in bed ready to lay there awake and, within minutes, was sound asleep. I was up and dressed in no time, and, yet, I was in no hurry to be at the office at six this morning. Instead of grabbing a travel mug, I poured my coffee into my favorite ceramic mug and took it to the balcony.
Although cool this morning, the sunshine warmed me up sufficiently along with the hot coffee in my hands. As I inhaled the rich aroma before taking that first sip, I was at peace. Maybe Mary was right. I was more anxious about the fact that I refused to talk about Jack than if I did open up about him. I just didn’t know how to handle the emotions I was having. Seven years of guilt was one thing, but to let go of the guilt and actually see him, the raw emotions from our time together hitting me again, it was almost too much. I’d rather have the guilt than know how much I still loved him.
I finished my coffee and watched the ocean for a few minutes. With a glance at my watch, I was surprised that it was close to seven already. Just as I finished rinsing my cup and picking up my laptop bag, my phone started ringing. Nick. I was surprised that he was calling this early in the morning, at all really.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Izzy. Already at work?”
“You won’t believe it, but no. I actually enjoyed my coffee this morning on the balcony instead of running into work. I’m just headed out the door now.”
“Who are you?” Nick laughed.
“I know, right? What’s going on with you?” I locked up the apartment and headed to the car while listening.
“I just thought I’d call and see if you had plans for dinner, a late dinner if need be.”
He sounded so formal, I couldn’t help but smile. “I think I can make sure I’m out of work by six if you want to do dinner.”
“Great. Pick you up at 6:30?”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you then.”
We said our brief good byes and I pondered his call on my drive to the office. It was out of character for him, but he sounded so sincere. Maybe he was making an effort to get back to the old Nick. I needed to make that effort, too. Sand dollar. I reflected on the note card that had been with it. Go with the flow and be flexible in your thinking.
I spent the rest of my day just as productive as if I had been there at six and by five-thirty, I was wrapping up things and ready to head home. By the time Nick knocked at the door, I had changed into a more causal skirt and blouse with a pair of flats.
I opened the door and found Nick holding a single pink rose. I smiled and gestured for him to come in.
“You look beautiful.” He handed the rose to me.
“Thank you. You clean up pretty well yourself. Let me just put this in water.”
Nick waited in the living room while I went to the kitchen. I smiled. It was so reminiscent of a first date that I couldn’t help but wonder if he was nervous. When I returned to the living room, Nick was waiting patiently by the door.
“Ready?” I picked up my clutch and had my keys ready to lock the door.
“When you are.” Nick responded.
The air was cool outside, but with my long-sleeved blouse, I was comfortable. The smell of the salt air was strong tonight and I inhaled deeply. “I reserved us a table at “The Chef’s Table”.
“Great. I’ve been dying to try that place, but it’s always mobbed.”
Nick nodded. “We were lucky. Apparently, there weren’t many tables left. They usually only take reservations and no walk-ins because they are so full.”
Small talk continued as we drove the short distance to the restaurant. I talked about work and the new authors I was working with, the excitement and stress of taking on the lead of these two new books. I felt like I was rambling, but Nick just listened and nodded appropriately to encourage me to keep talking.
The restaurant was aglow with bright lights inside seeping through the tinted windows, and small twinkling lights hung around outside along the roof edge and door frame.
“Am I underdressed?” I turned to Nick as we approached the door.
“Not at all. You look great.” He smiled and reached for my hand. He placed it in the crook of his elbow, giving it a little squeeze as we walked in the restaurant.
“The Chef’s Table” inside was every bit the image of intimacy and romance. Lights were low, with candles on each table. Soft music was piped in through speakers, not elevator music either, just soft romantic music that one could dance to. There was a dance floor over on the edge of the main floor. We followed the hostess as she led us as a few steps to a section that gave the impression of an alcove with only a handful of tables for two.
I couldn’t help but look around to try and take it all in. “This is beautiful, Nick. I never imagined it would look like this inside.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing.”
“Have you been here before?” I hadn’t even opened the menu yet, and was still glancing around to take in different aspects of the room.
“No, only in the door to make the reservation.” Nick answered.
I glanced over to him to find him watching me. “I must look like a silly teenager gawking at everything.”
He grinned. “Not at all, but I don’t think I have seen you this enthralled in anything besides your work. It’s nice to see you appreciate something else.”
It felt like a blow, although I’m not sure he meant it that way. “I suppose I do get a bit caught up in work. The hazard of loving your job, I guess.”
Nick reached for my hand. “There is nothing wrong with that, Izzy. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise.”
I nodded and held his hand. “I know I get self-absorbed sometimes, Nick. And I’m sure it’s irritating to those around me.”
Nick squeezed my hand. “I don’t recall us ever really fighting about you working too much. Usually our disagreements come from anything getting
too personal or intimate.”
I knew he was right, but it hurt just the same to hear the words. I sounded like such a bitch, but I know I’ve kept him at arm’s length and even the girls in my life, I’ve never let close. Diane is the one exception to that rule. For some reason, she and I are kindred souls. We have both shared some difficulties growing up and through our young adult lives, so far. Although I didn’t know the details from her difficulties, she had shared enough that I knew she carried some guilt as I have from some life choices.
“So, what’s good here? Have you heard any recommendations?” I pulled my hand back so I could open the menu. It was a small menu, which, in my opinion, was a plus. I hated too many choices.
The waitress approached and told us the specials. I opted for the roasted chicken dinner. She poured us a glass of wine from the bottle Nick had ordered ahead of time. It was a rich red wine, and although I don’t usually drink red wines, I found it was smooth without the typical bitter after taste.
We sat in silence as I continued to look around, trying to be discrete. The intricate carvings in the post and beams were of flowers. The more I looked at it, the more different types I found that had been carved to look like they were on a vine that continued around the room. And what a variety it was.
I finally looked back at Nick and found him watching me with an amused smile on his face. “Okay, go ahead and say it.”
“Say what?”
“I’m not sure what you’re thinking, but I get the impression that you are finding me quite funny tonight with my gawking at everything.”
Nick laughed. “Not really funny, but you do look like you don’t get out much.”
My face flushed and I cast my eyes down to the table.
“You are so beautiful when you blush, Izzy. I have missed you.”
I brought my eyes up to meet his. “I’ve missed you, too. I was surprised when you didn’t even answer when I texted you about the sand dollar. That was amazing, by the way. The way they explained the meaning in the card…I really liked that.”
Making the Rules Page 7