I shook my head. “It can’t happen.”
“Why?”
“Jack has a family now.”
“Ahhh, Jack was holding a baby so you came to the conclusion that he has a family. Do you know for sure it was his child? Do you know for sure he is married?” Mary already knew the answers to those questions, so I scowled at her. “Izzy, decide what you want. Forget Nick. You didn’t love him anyway, and now he is out of your life.”
I didn’t love him. I had known that I would never love him, and the truth was, the more he had pushed lately, the more it had turned me off and I wanted less and less to do with him. Mary’s voice broke through my thoughts. “Go to work tomorrow, Isabelle. Make some priorities in your life for what you really want, whether they include Jack or not, and start taking those steps to make them happen, whatever they are.”
26
Jack
I felt like time had sped up in the past few months. Charlotte was growing like a weed, pulling herself up and cruising a bit around the furniture. Being a single parent had moments when it was a bit easier as we found our routine between work, day care and home life; but then there were other moments, when I was completely overwhelmed, wondering how I could get myself through the next few years, at least.
I pulled up to my sister’s. It was common practice for Charlotte and me to have dinner at my sister’s most nights. Not only did it help me, but I think my sister enjoyed it just as much. I walked into the kitchen with Charlotte playing on the floor and my sister cooking. She glanced up at me and, immediately, I knew something was wrong.
“What’s going on?” I asked her as I kneeled to kiss Charlotte.
“Not much.” She turned back to the stove.
“Not much? Come on, give me some credit for knowing you better than that.”
She motioned to the table. As I set plates out and got Charlotte settled into her high chair, she put the food on the table. We filled our plates and I prepared a plate for Charlotte. As we started to eat, I waited for my sister to speak.
“I ran into Isabelle’s grandmother today. You remember her?”
“Grams…” I smiled. “I certainly do.” I had such fond memories of those few weeks Isabelle and I were together. Grams was Izzy’s world. “And?”
“She was talking about how hard Izzy has had it lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look, Jack, I’m only telling you this because I know how you feel about her and I never would say anything if she hadn’t showed up at your door.” My sister spoke fast as she watched me.
“Spit it out, Sis.”
“She was dating a guy who was just arrested for killing his wife three years ago.”
“What? Is she okay?” My stomach clenched at the thought of something happening to Izzy.
“She is. She was instrumental in getting him arrested, actually. Her grandmother is worried about her, but you know how it is when you love someone.”
I heard her words, but my thoughts were on Izzy.
“Jack?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you hear me?”
I stared at her. “Yeah, Grams is worried about her.”
She smiled a little and then started laughing. “Your wheels are spinning, thinking about Izzy and how you want to comfort her, aren’t they?”
“No.” The word came out sharply and we both knew I protested too much because, that was exactly what I wanted to do.
We ate in silence. I cleaned Charlotte up and got ready to head for home to get her to bed. My sister walked us to the door, and as I opened it to leave, her question stopped me in my tracks. “What are you going to do?” I didn’t have to ask her about what. I knew what she was asking.
I started to shrug, but then looked her straight in the eyes. “I’m going to go talk with Grams.” She nodded.
After getting Charlotte in bed, I sat in the darkened living room and thought about what my sister had told me. Izzy. After all this time, I wanted to really make a difference for her.
I approached Grams’ house and stopped just shy of the door. I wasn’t sure of what kind of welcome I would get and here I stood with Charlotte in my arms. I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. The door opened and there she stood, Grams. The woman hadn’t changed a bit in the past years.
She grinned at me. “Jack, you get yourself right in here. Look at that little one.”
“Hi Grams.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek as she hugged me tight.
“It’s about time you came around. All these years and you are still as handsome as ever.”
I felt my face redden. Grams never did mince words. She reached for Charlotte, and Charlotte was happy to go to her. I followed them into the living room as Grams sat down and was chatting with Charlotte, who was listening intently while keeping one eye on me. I glanced around the room. Nothing had changed since the last time I had been there. My memories overtook me as I thought of the last time I had been in that room. It had been December 26th, two days before I took Izzy to the base. We had stopped by because Izzy was more at home here than at her parents’. I had felt as welcome then as I did now.
“Well, Jack, this one is just a delight. Your sister mentioned the circumstances in which you came to have given this child a home.”
“Thanks, Grams. She keeps me going every day, that’s for sure.”
Grams laughed. “I imagine she would.” She paused for a moment, watching me. “I figured you would be coming to see me, or, rather, I hoped you would be, after I told your sister about Izzy.”
“Is she okay, really okay?” I sat forward in my chair.
Grams nodded. “You know Izzy. She’s a survivor.”
“Yes, she is, but she shouldn’t be just surviving.”
Grams put Charlotte on the floor with some old cardboard spindle cones from the old weaving factory and Charlotte entertained herself with putting them on and off each other. Then Grams looked at me, “You two know better than anyone what it is like to survive heartache.”
“What…?” I started.
“Don’t question it. I know Izzy went to see you when she was home.”
I couldn’t deny it. Grams knew already, but I didn’t know why. Maybe she did. “Why, Grams? Why did she come to see me?”
“Are you asking why because you didn’t want to see her and she upset your life, or are you asking why because you need to know where her heart is?”
I thought. I wasn’t upset that Izzy had come to see me, but I did need to know where her heart was. “I think you already know the answer to that.” I smiled as she nodded.
“Jack, Izzy has never been one to be able to acknowledge her feelings very well, verbally. She hides herself away to protect herself.”
“But, I thought…”
Grams cut in. “You thought you had done something wrong and that’s why she pushed you away?”
“Yes.”
“This is a conversation you need to have with her. Didn’t you talk when she was here?”
I sat back. Grams didn’t know Izzy hadn’t talked with me. Why hadn’t Izzy told her that she turned and walked away? “We didn’t talk, Grams. We didn’t have the chance.”
Grams just nodded and mumbled, “Well, that explains so much.” I didn’t question her. She wasn’t truly speaking to me, but to herself and I had no idea what she was talking about. I waited to see if she would fill me in.
“I can’t stay long, Grams. I just needed to know if Izzy was okay.”
“She says she’s okay.” Grams was noncommittal. “Let me get you and Charlotte some of those chocolate chip cookies you used to love so much. Got a batch made just this morning.”
I picked up the few toys Charlotte had been playing with while I waited for Grams to come back. We met her at the front door and she handed me a container with the cookies in it. I hugged her close after taking the cookies. “Thanks, Grams.”
“You bring that cute little thing back to see me again. You know you are welcom
e here anytime, Jack.”
“Thanks.” I smiled and turned to go out the door. Grams placed her hand on my arm and I turned towards her.
“Jack, our girl needs you.” She let go of my arm and I just nodded. As I buckled Charlotte into her car seat, my mind kept repeating her words, our girl needs you. Did Izzy still care for me? Grams must know something I don’t, or was it just the fact that I showed up here that Grams could see how I felt. I was torn, but I knew what I had to do.
As Charlotte drifted off to sleep as we drove down the road, I reached for a cookie. Opening the container and pulling a cookie out, I noticed a piece of paper tucked inside. I pulled it out and saw Izzy’s telephone number and address on it. I love you, Grams. That woman had more insight than anyone I knew. I was going to go get our girl.
I called my sister on the way home from Grams to tell her about my plans and she agreed to take Charlotte for a few days. When I got home and, after getting Charlotte down, I started the process of looking for flights to Virginia. With Grams note, I wanted to just go there. I didn’t want to call. I had to see her face to face.
With a flight booked for the next afternoon, I packed my bag and a bag for Charlotte for her stay with my sister. I didn’t sleep a wink and when morning arrived, I was in the kitchen drinking coffee, just waiting for Charlotte to wake up. I was ready to get to the airport, even if my flight didn’t leave for another six hours.
I didn’t think about Izzy’s reaction to seeing me. I only thought of the pain and hurt she must be going through, and how much I wanted to be there for her. The truth hit me hard. I still loved her. It didn’t matter how many years it had been, I still loved her.
As soon as Charlotte woke up, and breakfast was eaten, and she was ready to start the day, I packed up the car and drove to my sister’s. Expecting us, she met us at the door. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”
“Not a doubt in my mind. I have to do this.” I hadn’t told her about the conversation with Grams in detail only that Grams had said Izzy was okay.
“What did Grams say?” My sister pushed.
“She told me to go get our girl.” I looked at her and waited.
“Our girl? Well, well, that certainly puts a different light on it, doesn’t it?” I just grinned at her and knew I had her full support. I kissed Charlotte goodbye. As much as I needed to be with Izzy, it was not going to be easy to leave that sweet little girl, and I prayed that she would be good for my sister and not cry too much.
The time waiting for the flight was pure torture. By leaving at 12:30, it would be 4:30 pm before I got to Virginia. On the first leg of the flight I sat back and started thinking back to the day Izzy knocked on my door. Charlotte had spit up on me, and Izzy just turned and walked away. I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind, although, through my mind ran the question of why was she there, and the thought that she looked so good. I turned my mind to the last time I had seen Izzy before that.
It had been that day in the mall, the day she pushed me away and I walked away from her. I turned my back on her and just walked away. There had been no fight, no break up. We just stopped talking. For all this time, I had wondered what I had done wrong. Had I pushed her that night at the barracks?
We landed in Baltimore and changed planes. As I sat back for the last leg of the flight, my mind turned to that fateful day of December 28th. It was my fondest memory of Izzy. She was so shy, and yet so determined that she wanted to give herself to me. The gift she had given me. I have never taken that lightly. I loved her more than I ever thought was possible that day I made love to her. It wasn’t about sex for me. I just wanted her to feel the love I had for her, to be as intimate as possible and show her what could be between us. Yet, somehow, I had failed to show her that.
In the aftermath of our love making, she had lain with her head on my chest, saying she never wanted that moment to end. I had thought, at that time, we were feeling the same, love for one another that could withstand anything. Yet, the very next time I saw her she pushed me away. The hurt from that day I had carried with me every day all these years, until I saw her on my doorstep. I forgot the hurt the moment I saw her and felt nothing but love for her again. I never had stopped loving her.
As the pilot announced the descent into the Virginia Airport, my anxiety level ratcheted up a notch. What if she shut the door in my face? What if she didn’t want to see me? What was I doing on this flight? I knew deep down I needed to see her, yet fear laid heavy on my chest…fear of the unknown. Would she be happy to see me? Why did she really come to New Hampshire? To see me? Why? The universal question that no one ever seems to get an answer for.
I only had my carry on, so debarking from the plane, I was able to head right for a taxi. Giving the driver Izzy’s address, I sat back and tried to relax. The twenty-minute ride had my stomach churning. My hands were clammy and I felt like I was going on a first date as a teenager. I was ready to turn around and head back to New Hampshire, but the need to see Izzy and make sure she was alright pushed me down the path to her home.
I stood outside her apartment complex and took a deep breath. The salt water smell from the ocean had me turning towards the beach across the street and just listening to the waves for a moment. This was so Izzy. The sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean. She always talked of how these things relaxed her. I took in the sound and scent around me. Inhaling deeply, I found the courage to walk up the stairs to her apartment. Standing at her door, I knocked.
27
Isabelle
The late afternoon sky was ribboned with reds and oranges as the sun started its descent. I had just hung up the phone with Officer Terrell telling me Nick, or Steven, admitted to trashing my apartment. A sense of relief washed through me and I was caught up in watching the sky change color when a knock at the door startled me. I froze for a moment before I consciously reminded myself that Nick was gone from my life. I stood and walked to the door. Peeking through the peep hole, I could see the back of a man. There was something familiar about him, but I couldn’t see him clearly.
I opened the door and Jack turned to face me. “Izzy.”
“Jack.” The word left my mouth, but my mind was screaming what the hell are you doing here. We stared at each other for a moment. “Why are you here?”
Jack gave me a tentative smile. “I thought we should continue the conversation that didn’t happen on my doorstep.”
I couldn’t help but start laughing. “How about a walk on the beach for that conversation?” I reached for his bag. “We can leave this here. Give me a second to get my keys.” He nodded and stood outside the door, never making a move to step inside. That gave me a bit of comfort, and memories of how he had always been a gentleman came flooding back. I paused when I reached for my keys. How could I explain to him why I had gone to his house? Did I even know why myself?
I grabbed the keys, locked the door, and we walked across to the beach. Kicking off my sandals, I carried them as we started walking down the beach. Jack walked a few steps before stopping to remove his shoes and socks to walk barefoot with me. We walked in silence for a few minutes. I had no idea where to start and waited for him to say something. I glanced at him and he seemed to be struggling with what to say.
“How did you find me, Jack?” I kept my voice quiet, partly as it was a question for him, but, in part, I was asking myself.
“Grams.”
I stopped. “Grams told you where to find me?”
He nodded. “I went to see her when I heard about what happened with the guy you were dating.”
“Nick…Steven. Whatever his name was, yeah, that was a real doozy to deal with.” I tried to laugh it off, but I couldn’t yet laugh about it. And, yet, it didn’t make sense why Jack went to see Grams. “I don’t understand though. How did you know about it? And why go see Grams?”
Jack stopped and faced the water, standing ankle deep in it, the waves gently lapping at his feet. I stood next to him, waiting fo
r his answer. “Izzy, I was worried. Grams ran into my sister and told her what happened, she told me and I went to see Grams.”
“You were worried?” I glanced up at him. He hadn’t changed much in all these years. A little older looking, but, God, he was handsome.
“Why are you surprised by that?” He turned to face me. “Just because you pushed me away didn’t mean I stopped caring about you.” Frustration laced his words.
“Wait…I pushed you away?” I tried to joke, but felt the defenses go up to protect my heart and struggled to keep from getting defensive.
“Izzy, why did you come to my house while you were in New Hampshire?”
I searched Jack’s eyes. He was sincere. There was no judgement lurking. He genuinely wanted to know why I was there. I shook my head. “I don’t know, Jack. I just wanted, needed…” My words trailed off and I looked down at the waves.
“Izzy, talk to me.” His voice was soft.
“Jack,” I glanced up. “I needed to apologize.”
“For what?”
“I didn’t mean for things to end the way they did. I never meant to hurt you and I know I did. And I handled things so badly.” The words tumbled out of me and I tried to stop talking before I said something I would regret. I closed my eyes, humiliation washing over me.
“Izzy, we both handled things badly. All these years, I thought I had done something wrong. I believed you thought I forced you that day at the barracks.”
“Oh, my God, Jack, no, of course not. I wanted that just as much as you.” I felt heat rise to my cheeks as I heard my own words.
Jack reached for my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “Izzy, there are so many things that were never said.”
I looked at our hands intertwined and looked up at him. Those blue eyes, eyes I had never forgotten, looking down at me. “Jack, that day was the best day of my life. You have to know that.”
He smiled. “I hope so. It certainly was for me.”
Making the Rules Page 14