I turned back to watch the sun dipping down to be even with the ocean line. Jack stood beside me watching it, too. Hand in hand, we watched it sink slowly into the horizon. As the sky darkened, I felt a sense of hope course through me.
“Where are you staying tonight?” I asked him.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead. I booked my flight yesterday and here I am.”
“Let’s go back to the house and talk.” We turned back towards the way we had come, and walked in silence until we got back to the apartment. I hesitated for just a second at the door, reminding myself again that this was Jack, not Nick, and I had nothing to fear from him.
I opened the door and he followed me. After locking the door, I turned towards him. “Something to drink? Coffee, wine, beer?”
“Whatever you are having.” He replied.
“Really? Do you drink wine or would you prefer a beer?” I quirked an eyebrow at him.
“A beer, please.”
I gestured for him to sit and went to the kitchen. Pouring a glass of wine for myself, and opening a beer for him, I took a deep breath and waited just a second before returning to the living room. We sat at the opposite ends of the couch, facing each other. I sipped my wine, watching him.
“Izzy, what happened?”
I didn’t have to ask when. I knew he was talking about all the years ago when I pushed him away. “I…” I shook my head and took another sip of my wine. He waited patiently for me to continue. “I didn’t know how to handle things. There was so much you didn’t know then, and I was afraid to tell you.”
“Tell me now.”
I took a deep breath. “Shortly before we met, while still at college, I tried to kill myself.” I held my hand up as Jack started to speak. “Let me just say it, please. I was young, had felt for years like I didn’t belong in my own family. I just couldn’t deal with the loneliness anymore, always feeling like I could do nothing right.”
“How, Izzy?” Jack asked. No judgement, just concern laced his words.
“Pills and alcohol.” I took a drink of my wine. “I was brought home and wasn’t allowed to go back to school. Then I met you…and everything changed.”
“Izzy.” Jack pulled me close to him and just held me. “I wish you had told me.”
“The suicide attempt, the way my parents treated me, you, that day at the barracks. I guess I just didn’t know how to handle it all.” It sounded lame even to me.
“That day, Izzy, at the barracks…how did you feel then? Were you not happy?”
“I was happy. Happier than you will ever know. It was the best day of my life. I felt…in sync with you. I never wanted that day to end.”
Jack frowned. “I don’t understand then. What changed in those few days that you pushed me away? I know I said the wrong things…I never meant to make you feel I had an obligation…”
“It wasn’t you, Jack. Please, know that. Obligation, yes, threw me, but it was everything else in my life. After the suicide attempt, I felt I had no right to be happy. My mother made me feel that way. Jack, you made me happy. I felt I had to give you up because I didn’t deserve you.”
“Oh, my God, Izzy. You deserved every bit of happiness, then and now.” Jack put his beer aside and moved down the couch until he was right next to me. He pulled me close into his arms and I melted against him. “I wish I had known. Izzy, I would have fought to make sure you stayed happy.”
Hearing those words, that he would have fought for me, broke the damn inside me. Tears filled my eyes and I allowed the emotions to overcome me. I held him close and allowed myself to grieve those years, all those years that we let slip by us because of my stupidity.
“Izzy.” He pulled back to look at my tear-stained face. “Don’t cry, Izzy. I never wanted you unhappy.”
“I’m not unhappy. There have been so many missed opportunities between us. That is what I grieve the most. The ‘what ifs’, the lost moments.”
He nodded. “I know.” His head dipped down and his lips met mine. It was a gentle kiss, non-demanding, yet wanting more. I opened to him, and allowed his tongue to tease mine. He pulled back and watched me.
“Jack, why did you come here?”
“I told you, I needed to see that you were okay after hearing about everything.”
I smiled up at him. “I’m sure, if Grams gave you my address, she gave you my number, too. You could have called.”
“Yes, I could have, but I needed to see you. I wanted to talk to you when you were in New Hampshire, on my doorstep, but you just left. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“You had a baby.”
“Well, not personally.”
I watched him break into a smile and I just shook my head. The tension broke a bit more. “Okay, you, personally, didn’t have a baby. Who was that darling child who spit up all over you?”
Jack sighed. “That would be Charlotte. And yes, she is my child, but not like you think. My niece’s friend gave birth to her and couldn’t take care of her. I agreed to take her in and be her guardian. She wanted me to adopt her, but I said I would wait a year before making the adoption final, just in case she changed her mind. Charlotte is now nine months old and, honestly, I can’t imagine giving her up. I want to adopt her, but I will stick to the one-year agreement. If she decides she wants her back, it will break my heart, but I will honor that agreement.”
My heart exploded hearing him talk. He was the father I knew he would always be. I could hear the love and pride in his voice as he talked about Charlotte.
“That day you showed up, Charlotte had been sick and still wasn’t feeling well. I had been getting spit up on quite a bit for a few days.”
“I didn’t know what to say. I just assumed you were married, with a child, and I didn’t want to interfere.”
Jack nodded. “In total honesty, I was married. Madde, my wife, didn’t want anything to do with Charlotte. I couldn’t figure out why she was so resentful towards her, but I can’t have children and Madde wanted a child so bad…her child though, no one else’s. We are divorcing now, though. She has been having an affair for a year, long before Charlotte came into our lives, and, I just recently found out, she is pregnant now.”
I listened careful to his words, and a twinge of sadness hit me about his divorce, but also my brain was screaming in joy. “So what happens now?”
“With us?” Jack asked.
“With your marriage, and Charlotte? She is your priority.” I knew that was the case, and I didn’t want him to deny it, but I wanted there to be room for me, too, possibly.
“The marriage is over. There is no chance for reconciliation because I don’t want one. Charlotte, well, she’s with me for the rest of the year and, if her mom decides she truly doesn’t want her, then I will move ahead with the adoption.”
“As a single parent?”
Jack nodded. “It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t change having Charlotte in my life for anything.”
This was the man I had always dreamed would be in my life. The man I knew Jack would be all those years ago. In my gut, I had known Jack would be a great father, and I still imagine a great husband.
“What about you, Izzy?” Jack watched me. “What happens now, with you, after this ordeal with…Nick, was it?”
I nodded. “I move on. Hey, I have survived before, I’ll survive now.” I fell back into my flippant attitude, the one that kept anyone from seeing how I truly felt.
Jack stared at me, seeing through the charade, and, with a quiet voice he asked, “And how are you really?”
I blinked back tears. This man sitting in front of me was the man I always knew, the one who, even when I was eighteen made me feel alive. After all that I had been through, he was next to me, concerned about me. No judgement about the situation I had been involved in, no judgement about my life at all…just concern. Shit, I can’t break down in front of him. I prided myself on never crying in front of anyone, and yet, as hard as I tried to stop the flow of tears, I cou
ld feel them coming.
28
I tried to stand. I just needed to get to the other room. I couldn’t let Jack see me cry. I didn’t want to be temperamental, that girl who cried over every little thing, yet just having Jack next to me, heightened everything I was feeling. He grabbed my hand as I started to stand, and pulled me back, next to him.
“Don’t run, Izzy. Talk to me.”
I shook my head, “I just need a moment.”
He pulled me close. “Take your moment, right here next to me, but don’t walk away.”
I felt his need for me to stay with him…or fear of me leaving. Did we both have that fear from the last time we were together? Fear of being vulnerable in front of him paralyzed me. My body was screaming to get away from him, to hide away in the bathroom have my cry and then fix my make-up so he would never know. But, as his fingers laced with mine and his thumb made small circles on the top of my hand, I softened. The walls started dropping and with them dropping, the oncoming tears built up inside of me. I wouldn’t be able to stop them. All those years of protecting my heart, and, with one evening talking with Jack, everything I had fought so hard to build up came crashing down.
The tears flowed down my face, and I sat there holding Jack’s hand, my face turned away. Eyes closed. He didn’t say a word. He let me have my moment, just holding my hand. After a few moments, he pulled me closer to him, wrapping me into his strong embrace. I couldn’t help myself, I turned and buried my head into his chest. I couldn’t stem the tears and, yet, he said nothing. His gentle strength coming through in the way he held me, just letting me process what was happening.
“Izzy, you’re a survivor, more so than you ever realized. All those years ago, you had no idea how strong you really were after surviving the suicide attempt, and surviving the way your parents treated you. You survived, again and again, and made your life worthwhile. You will survive this, too, but I want to be right here for you.”
After a few moments, the tears slowed and I looked up at him. “Oh, Izzy. I didn’t want you to cry.” He let go of my hand and, his hands almost caressing my face, he wiped the tears away.
“It’s not…I just…” I had no words and yet he nodded.
“It’s been so long, and so much has happened.”
I nodded. My thoughts raced. He was sitting here in front of me and I had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but for this moment, right here, we had today and I wanted the most of it. I couldn’t waste the time with tears. I wanted that second chance with Jack, even if it was just for today.
“Jack.” It came out a whisper, but as I looked into his eyes, I knew we were at the same point, wanting the same thing.
His lips claimed mine with urgency. He was demanding and I met him with my own demands. As our tongues teased each other’s, our hands roamed over each other’s bodies. I couldn’t get enough and the barrier of clothes between us spurred me to stand, pulling him with me. I walked backward to the bedroom, our kisses never ceasing, stopping only long enough to rid ourselves of our clothes.
Kissing me softly on the lips, suckling my bottom lip into his mouth, he gently teased my nipples, rolling them between his fingers. I moaned softly, my fingernails lightly trailing up and down his back. Jack kissed down my neck, finding that sweet spot between my neck and shoulder. I whispered his name, as memories of that first time flooded back to me. The tenderness he had demonstrated that day so long ago mirrored the tenderness he showed me now. His mouth moved lower until he captured my peaked nipple. I arched my back, wanting more.
I wanted him now, I didn’t want this slow build. The need in me for Jack had been building for the past eight years and I couldn’t take the anticipation any longer. “Jack, please.”
He chuckled and did not increase his pace at all, as he moved to my other breast and gave it the attention I desired. Moving his hand slowly down my body, his fingers found my wetness and I cried out as he teased me. His thumb circling my clit just enough to drive me to the edge, but not push me over yet. My body ached and I moved to try to increase the pressure. He gave in to me for just a few moments, but as I reached the crest he pulled back leaving me gasping for more.
This is what I had been missing all these years. What if I hadn’t walked away? Would this heat between us have remained all this time? At this moment in time, it no longer mattered. He was here and this is what I had been wanting. All those nights sitting and remembering him, wishing things had gone different. This was the moment for redemption.
He moved back up and found my lips with his, the kiss teasing and challenging. I reached for him and stroked him gently until he was moaning for more. I gave him the same torture he had given me, teasing him to near climax and then releasing my grip. We both were on the edge and couldn’t wait anymore. Animalistic instinct kicked in. As Jack entered me, I felt a sense of home hitting me. The feeling that I finally found where I should have been all along. With every thrust, my defenses crumbled and my realization of how strong my love was for Jack increased. We moved in complete harmony with each other, tumbling over the crest together as one.
As Jack moved to my side and pulled me close, I laid my head on his chest. And, just as before, his heart was, once again, beating in sync with mine.
Epilogue
“But what happened then, Grams? Momma didn’t go to Virginia with Papa.”
I smiled at Nikki. She was the perfect image of her mother, Charlotte, and the apple of her grandfather’s eye. Jack couldn’t adore this little girl more, nor could I. “No, your momma stayed in New Hampshire while Papa came to see me.”
This was a familiar story that I had told and retold many times to our granddaughter. She was a sucker, even at such a young age, for the ultimate romance. Jack and I definitely had the ultimate romance. “When did momma meet you?”
“Papa brought your momma to meet me a few weeks later. He still lived in New Hampshire and we had to see each other only every few weeks for a while.” My mind went back to the day Jack left for the airport. I had been terrified he would never come back and my heart ached at the thought of him walking out of my life again. I had tried so hard to not show my tears to him, but he knew my anguish and comforted me the best he could. In reality, I found out later, he had the same fears I did. The art of walking away was a trigger for sad and heartbreaking memories.
I sighed. Texts had been sent back and forth constantly during the days we were apart and then, suddenly, Jack was back at my side, with Charlotte. I had fallen in love, instantly, with her. And, with Jack as a father, my heart couldn’t have been any fuller.
“Grams…tell me more.” Nikki pleaded.
“About what?” She had been sitting on the floor in front of me, and immediately jumped up and crawled into my lap.
“’Bout you and Papa, and momma.” This girl never got enough of hearing it.
“Papa brought your momma to meet me. Your momma was such a happy baby, much like you. Always smiling and laughing. She adored Papa and it was obvious that she didn’t want to be away from him. But I think, eventually, she learned to like me, too.”
“Momma loves you, Grams.” Nikki laughed. It was the same thing every time. And Nikki was right. Charlotte had taken to me almost immediately.
“Papa and I saw each other as much as possible, but going back and forth from New Hampshire to Virginia was hard. I decided it was time for me to start working at home and I left my job at the office.”
“The job where you picked books to go to the stores.”
“Yes, something like that. I loved my job, but I loved your Papa more and wanted to be there for him and your Momma.” Leaving my job had been the hardest decision to make. That job had given me hope when I needed it, and freedom from my past, to a point. It was my starting point to what, I thought, was going to be a new life. Never had I thought that my life would end up going full circle and I would be back where I started, with Jack. Oh, the obstacles we had endured over the years, both of us apart, and somehow, we
found our way back to each other with a love that was stronger than ever.
“Grams…more.” Nikki’s plea broke through my thoughts.
“About the time your momma had her first birthday, Papa asked me to marry him. I was in New Hampshire visiting and we had gone to walk on the beach. Papa dropped down on one knee right there in the wet sand, at the edge of the waves and asked me to marry him.”
“Did you love him?” Nikki clapped her hands.
“I loved him with all my heart and I had for years. Of course, I said yes.” Nikki grinned at me. She knew this story and wouldn’t let me give any other answer.
“What happened next, Grams?”
“We got married the next year, right there on the beach where Papa proposed. Just me, Papa and Charlotte.”
“You married Momma, too?”
I thought back to that day. “Yes, I did. I married your Momma, too. We wrote our own vows. In my vows, I promised to, not only love your Papa forever, but to love your Momma like she was my own.”
“That’s when Momma got to start calling you Momma.”
I nodded. “Yes, that’s when I became Momma to Charlotte.”
“What about Auntie Sarah?”
“Auntie Sarah came to live with us a few years later when your Momma was four.” Sarah had been a year old when we adopted her. I hadn’t been a part of the first years of both of my daughters lives, but it didn’t matter. Those girls were in my heart, as if I had given birth to them myself. It never was a thought of not wanting to adopt. Jack had told me that he couldn’t have children and how Charlotte came to be in his life. The fact that Jack had the capacity to love a child who needed a home just deepened my love for him. I never gave it a thought that I wouldn’t carry Jack’s child because, as far as I was concerned, we had our children together. The moment they were placed in our arms, those girls were ours, both coming to us through different paths, but ours, nonetheless.
“Where did Auntie Sarah get her name?” Nikki asked.
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