Alien Superstar

by Henry Winkler

  Everybody in the room laughed, but I didn’t know why. My brain ran through my entire Earth dictionary, and the only “bunion” I found was defined as a bulging bump on the base of your big toe.

  “I’m so sorry about your grandmother’s bulging toe,” I said to Luis.

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “Buddy boy, here’s how bunion is spelled. J-O-K-E.”

  Oh, that word I knew right away. Joke: something that’s funny to a lot of people. Bunions were obviously funny to humans. I made a mental note of that for the future, then burst out laughing, until I realized that all the others had already stopped. Obviously, the laughing moment was over.

  “Listen to this, everyone,” the female ogre said. She held up a newspaper called Hollywood Casting Call and read out loud. “This afternoon’s auditions. A talking lawn mower for an animated show. A blind surgeon who’s very good with his hands. And a guy with a mustache for a mouthwash commercial.”

  “I’m going to go out for the mouthwash commercial,” the male ogre said.

  “Yeah, you should,” the raptor agreed. “It’s made for you. Your breath is so bad you could peel wallpaper.”

  Everyone chuckled in a very good-natured way and I couldn’t help noticing how well they all got along. In so many of the Earth movies Grandma Wrinkle and I had watched, humans were always stealing from each other and having fistfights and chasing each other off cliffs in fast cars. But the people in this room seemed . . . well . . . just nice.

  “Here you go, Buddy,” the female ogre said, holding up the newspaper and pointing her stubby finger at me. “This audition is tailor-made for you. Oddball Academy is holding open auditions for a teenage male who can play an alien. Stage 42, three o’clock.”

  “But I’ve never acted before,” I protested.

  “That never stopped anyone in Hollywood,” Luis said. “Besides, you already got the costume. Just go to the audition and read your lines. See what happens.”

  “I don’t even know where Stage 42 is.”

  “I’ll get you there, Buddy. No problemo.”

  “You would do that for me?”

  “Yeah, sure. I can’t wait to see your face on TV. ‘Starring Buddy C. Burger, best friend of the always-talented Luis Rivera.’ It’s got a nice ring.”

  “Take it down a notch, will you?” the raptor sighed. “It’s just an audition. A one in a million shot.”

  Everyone in the break room went on talking and eating. They had no idea that my world had just turned upside down. Not only was I on Earth, I was at Universal Studios about to audition for a part on a television show. Me, Citizen Short Nose. If I hadn’t escaped my planet, by now I would have had my sensory enhancer deactivated. I would be as good as dead—a walking zombie. And now I had a chance to become everything I had ever dreamed of being—an actor, free to be creative, to express myself, and be as unique as I ever wanted to be.

  While Luis ate lunch, my sensory enhancer started to act up. Apparently, it noticed the aroma of the meatloaf sandwich. Before I could stop it, it took a whiff of the sandwich and let out a loud, blustery snorty-sneeze. Then it reached for the sandwich and grabbed it out of Luis’s hands.

  “Drop it,” I said.

  It let out a little whine.

  “Right now.”

  Reluctantly, it released its grip and I took the sandwich away and handed it back to Luis with a sheepish grin.

  “Sorry,” I said. “Sometimes my costume misfires.”

  “You should take that attachment off before your audition,” Luis said. “You don’t want it misfiring and attacking the producers.”

  While Luis finished his lunch, I paced back and forth, trying to prepare myself mentally for the audition. On my planet, each child has to appear every year before a panel of community leaders to pledge allegiance to the Squadron and recite the Regulations of the State. That was the closest I had ever come to an audition. On that day, I always felt so nervous that I actually got nauseous. My stomach was feeling the same way now.

  After lunch, Luis put his Frankenstein head back on.

  “I’ll drop you at the stage door,” he said. “After that, you’re on your own.”

  “I won’t know what to do without you. Can’t you stay with me?”

  “Not possible. I just took my lunch break. If I get fired, I’m back to washing dishes at my grandmother’s restaurant.”

  “Please. It’s my first audition ever.”

  “Come on, Luis. Stay with the kid,” the male ogre urged. “I’d go with him, but I can’t be late for my bad breath audition.”

  “Okay,” Luis sighed, then turning to the tigress he said, “Olivia, can you ask Hilda the vampire to fill in for me and cover my territory?”

  “Sure,” she said, standing up and putting on her tiger head. “Break a leg, Buddy.”

  “Break a leg,” all the others chimed in.

  “Does having a broken leg help you get the part?” I asked Luis as we left the lunchroom.

  “It means good luck, Buddy. In actor talk.”

  “Oh, then I hope I break both legs.”

  We walked down the path that led us from the lunchroom across the back lot. Trams were going by and tourists were buying food and shopping at the souvenir stalls. I smiled at everyone we passed, and said, “Hey, break a leg. And while you’re at it, break an arm too.”

  It didn’t quite get the same happy reaction it did in the lunchroom. As a matter of fact, three people told me to buzz off and one woman in a straw hat said, “I’m reporting you to your supervisor.”

  Then suddenly, there it was in front of us—Stage 42.

  I had been expecting a happy-looking place, with people singing and dancing and performing. But this Stage 42 didn’t look happy at all. It was nothing but a thick concrete wall, with a sliding metal door, a red blinking light overhead, and a gruff-looking guard standing watch outside.

  “What do you want?” he growled.

  “We’re here for the open auditions,” Luis said. “My friend is trying out for the part.”

  The guard looked from him to me, checking me up and down. Then he sneered, a crooked kind of grin.

  “Yeah, good luck with that,” he answered.

  “Why thank you,” I said. “I plan to break a leg.”

  “Fat chance” was all he said. “They’re looking for a cool alien. That costume looks like you pulled it out of a dumpster the day after Halloween.”

  He yanked the heavy metal door open. It creaked as we went inside and were met by nothing but total darkness.

  5

  Luis and I just stood on Stage 42, waiting for something to happen. I couldn’t see a thing. Then I remembered that I was still wearing my sunglass monocles. I popped them out and slipped them into the pocket of my space suit. Even that didn’t shed any light on the situation. My eyes still couldn’t adjust to the blackness in that room.

  “Anybody here?” Luis called out.

  “We’re over here on the stage,” a man’s voice answered. “Follow the yellow tape on the floor. And be quiet, please, we’re about to do a scene.”

  Luis beckoned me to follow him as he tiptoed along the yellow line of tape. It was barely visible in the darkness, so I rotated two more of my eyeballs to the front, which gave me a much better view. My suction cups seemed to adhere to the yellow tape, and each time I picked up my foot, you could hear the loud pop, pop, pop of the suction cups lifting off the ground.

  “Cut!” came the annoyed voice from the stage.

  “What is it we’re supposed to cut?” I whispered to Luis. “I don’t have scissors.”

  “I said quiet on set!” the voice bellowed. “You just ruined the take.”

  “What’s he talking about?” I whispered to Luis. “I didn’t take anything. My pockets are empty except for my monocles.”

  “Zip it, Buddy,” Luis whispered back. “You’re going to get us thrown out of here.”

  Suddenly, a scowling man with a ponytail appeared out of the darkness.
He looked me up and down and said, “Let me guess. You’re here to audition for the alien kid.”

  “Wow, how’d you know?” I asked.

  “Don’t be a wise guy,” he snapped in a not-too-friendly way.

  “That’s Duane Mitchell, the director,” Luis whispered to me. “He’s pretty famous on this lot.”

  “He seems to be in a bad mood,” I whispered back.

  “Don’t kid yourself,” Luis said. “That’s him in a good mood.”

  “Enough of the whispering,” the director grumbled. “I can’t create in this environment. Your hushed tones are like sandpaper on my eardrums.”

  “I’m so sorry, Supreme Leader,” I answered. “I won’t even breathe through my mouth. I’ll only use my nose, although that might make it hard to fill my three lungs.”

  “Give me a break, kid. You don’t have to be an alien until you get up on the stage. Now please sit down and wait your turn. And try to keep your weird toes quiet.”

  Moving quickly on my tiptoes, I followed Luis around a corner where I saw some bright lights, a couple cameras on wheels, and a schoolroom with tables and comfortable chairs and couches. That looked very inviting, so I hurried over and took a seat on one of the chairs next to a teenage girl who also had a ponytail, but hers was black. She looked surprised to see me.

  “Hello,” I said. “I’m Buddy C. Burger.”

  “I don’t care if you’re Raymond M. Hot Dog,” the director shouted. “Get off that chair. You’ve plopped yourself right in the middle of the set. Now go sit on those metal chairs, like the other actors who are waiting to audition.”

  “Don’t worry about him,” the girl on the couch whispered to me. “He always yells. He’s in charge.”

  “I know someone like that,” I whispered back. “The Supreme Leader of the Squadron on my planet.”

  “You’re really in character,” she giggled. Something about her laugh made me giggle too.

  “Hey, kid, what is wrong with you?” The director stomped over to me and stood there with his hands on his hips. “You don’t talk to the talent.”

  Luis stepped onto the stage and quickly grabbed me by the arm, taking me to the row of metal chairs lined up on the side of the stage.

  “What’d I do wrong?” I whispered.

  “That’s Cassidy Cambridge,” he answered. “She’s the star of the show, man. You got to be respectful and keep your distance.”

  A woman with a clipboard came to the center of the classroom and called out a name.

  “Next up is Todd Fox!”

  A tall, skinny kid with blond hair stood up and slouched onto the stage. He looked like a regular human except that his face was painted green. I can’t tell you how many Earth movies Grandma Wrinkle and I watched about aliens with green faces. We always wondered where humans got the silly idea that we aliens are green. And that we have six eyes. Oh wait a minute—I do have six eyes.

  “Okay,” the director said. “Start at the top of page four. You’re the new kid in class, and you’re from Mars or someplace.”

  “Mars?” I whispered to Luis. “What’s he talking about? I passed Mars on the way here, and there was nobody on it.”

  Luis held his finger to his lips to shush me up.

  “Cassidy, you’ve got the first line,” the director said. “And . . . ACTION!”

  The girl with the ponytail stood up from her desk and walked over to Todd. She put her hand out to shake his.

  “Welcome to Oddball Academy,” she said. “Looks like you’ll fit right in.”

  “I come in peace,” Todd Green Face said. He paused for a long time, then looked down at his script and started to shuffle the pages. “Uh-oh, I lost my place,” he told the director.

  “I got your place,” the director said. “It’s outside, on the tram back to nowheresville. We have no time for this. Next!”

  “Just give me one more chance,” Todd whimpered.

  “Preparation!” the director said. “It’s an actor’s best tool. You, my friend, are missing the entire tool belt. And on your way out, give your script to eyeballs over there. No use wasting good paper on a script that you haven’t bothered to learn. At least we can save some trees.”

  As Todd walked by me, he stuck his hand out and almost threw the script at me.

  “This part isn’t worthy of my talent, anyway,” he snarled. “You can have it.”

  I took the script and held it up to my forehead, letting my brain skim it quickly. It only took me a few seconds to memorize it. Before I knew it, I was on the stage, acting out the scene with Cassidy. I had never acted before, but she made me forget that. We jumped right into the scene and it felt like I was talking to an old friend.

  INT. ODDBALL ACADEMY CLASSROOM – DAY

  The alien is brought into the classroom by PRINCIPAL BROADBOTTOM.

  PRINCIPAL BROADBOTTOM

  Listen up, students. This is your new classmate who hails from Mars.

  Let’s give him a rousing Oddball Academy welcome.

  Principal Broadbottom exits, and Cassidy gets up from her chair. She walks to the alien and extends her hand.

  CASSIDY

  Looks like you’re going to fit right in here at Oddball Academy.

  You’re certainly odd enough.

  ALIEN

  I come in peace.

  The alien reaches out and touches Cassidy’s forehead with his finger. She jumps, as if she’s just been shocked.

  CASSIDY

  That’s one powerful finger. So, like, you’re an actual alien.

  ALIEN

  Yes, I bring you greetings from my people.

  CASSIDY

  That’s what you guys always say.

  Then you invade the world and take over our minds.

  ALIEN

  Oh, I’m not that kind of an alien.

  I’m more of your nerd-type alien. I like to read books.

  The alien walks to the teacher’s desk, picks up a book, balances it on his head, closes his eyes for a split second, then bursts out laughing.

  ALIEN

  Have you read this? It’s hilarious.

  CASSIDY

  You read through the top of your head?

  ALIEN

  Doesn’t everyone?

  CASSIDY

  We’re all a little odd here. Take me. I see things. From the past. From the future. I communicate with spirits. It’s my gift.

  ALIEN

  Can you show me?

  CASSIDY

  Sure. Who would you like to meet?

  ALIEN

  I’ve always wanted to meet a rock and roll star.

  Cassidy goes into a trance. In the background, music starts to play, a rhythmic guitar riff.

  Suddenly, right in the middle of the scene, my sensory enhancer shot up from my back and started to move to the beat of the music. It bounced up and down with way more enthusiasm than I would have liked because it kept knocking me off balance.

  “Cut!” yelled the director. “Kill the music!”

  When the music stopped, my sensory enhancer immediately settled down onto my back. Duane came stomping out from behind the cameras.

  “What was that thing you did just now?” he asked.

  “Oh, you mean this,” I said, pointing to my sensory enhancer. “I’m so sorry. It will never happen again.”

  “No, I loved it. Can you do that whenever you want?”

  “Most of the time.”

  “So you rigged up that costume with batteries? Is that it?”

  I didn’t know what to say. Should I reveal the truth and tell him the sensory enhancer was part of my body? That I was a real alien who had just flown billions of miles across time and space to get here? That might freak him out. I made an instant decision.

  “Yeah, batteries,” I said. “How’d you know?”

  “Wow,” the director answered. “You really take this character seriously. I’m impressed. And you learned your lines in record time. Cassidy, what do you say?”

&n
bsp; “It was fun doing the scene with him,” she said. “We had chemistry.”

  “Chemistry works for me,” the director said. He put his hand on my shoulder.

  “You’re hired, kid. I’m Duane Mitchell and I’ll be your director. What’s your name?”

  “Buddy C. Burger.”

  “First off, Buddy C. Burger, my advice is to drop the C. I think I can make you a star. How does that sound?”

  “Unbelievable,” I stammered. “I mean, truly unbelievable. Have I said the word ‘unbelievable’? It actually is—un-be-liev-able.”

  I looked over at Luis.

  Enough with the unbelievable, he mouthed.

  “So, Buddy, is that a yes or a no?” Duane asked.

  “That’s yes with a capital YES. I say igen!”

  Duane’s face went blank. “Why would you say that?”

  “That means yes in Hungarian. I need to practice my Hungarian every chance I get.”

  Duane shook his head. “You know, Buddy, I think you might actually be an alien.”

  Uh-oh. Had I been found out? But then I saw he was laughing. I laughed too, and made a mental note that I should never speak Hungarian again.

  “Rehearsals start tomorrow at nine o’clock sharp here on this stage,” Duane said. “Be here on time or don’t be here at all. Study your lines because we tape in front of a live audience tomorrow afternoon.”

  “I’m so glad they’re not dead,” I said.

  “Who’s not dead?” Duane asked.

  “The audience. You said we tape in front of a live audience. That’s good because a dead audience would be very quiet.”

  “I’m just going to ignore that you said that.” Duane shook his head again. “Now, I know you have a lot to learn before tomorrow, but I believe you can pull it off.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had just gotten a job. As an actor. On Earth. On television.

  “That’s a wrap,” the director called to the other actors waiting their turn. “Thanks for coming, everybody, but we’ve found our guy.”

  He grabbed his jacket and gathered up his script. As he was leaving, he turned back to me.