Alien Superstar

by Henry Winkler

  “What do you think?” Quinton asked. “You’ve got to feel good in your own clothes.”

  “It’s a lot of black,” I said. “Do you have anything in pink or orange?”

  “You don’t mean that,” Rosa said. “We’re going for a cool look for you, Buddy, and black says cool. It’s a statement. And that tee shirt is perfect. ‘I need space’ says look but don’t touch.”

  “Oh, I thought it meant I need space, as in outer space,” I said.

  “That’s Buddy for you,” Cassidy said. “He’s got outer space on the brain.”

  We exchanged a secret smile. I was starting to like this little game of ours.

  Quinton had me go back into the fitting room and try on more clothes. A black leather jacket with zippers that lead nowhere, black high-top sneakers with zippers that led nowhere, and a canvas cross-body bag with zippers that led nowhere.

  “You’re looking very cool,” Rosa said. “I think we’ve got your red carpet look.”

  “Good,” I said. “And I’m helping all the people who make zippers too.”

  “Great, we’ll nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize,” Delores said, “right after you win the Emmy.”

  “Thank you, Delores. That would be lovely.”

  “Buddy,” Cassidy whispered. “She didn’t mean it. She was being sarcastic.”

  Sarcastic. That was a word I didn’t know, so I searched my Earth dictionary and found that sarcasm is when you express something that is the opposite of what you really mean. Why would Delores want to do that? It’s hard enough to say what you really mean without having to worry about the opposite of what you really mean. No wonder I was so confused by what she said to me.

  Delores and Rosa went to the cash register to pay for the clothes. Cassidy glanced around the floor casually, then suddenly took my arm.

  “Beware,” she said. “Fans at three o’clock.”

  I followed Cassidy’s eyes and noticed that she was looking at a group of girls who had gathered around the underwear counter, which was covered with statues wearing all different kinds of underpants. The girls were giggling. I smiled too. When you think about it, human underwear is pretty funny to look at, especially the ones they call men’s briefs. My Earth dictionary defines “brief” as of short duration. And those underpants were definitely short.

  “That’s him,” one of the girls said when she saw me smile at them.

  They all started to scream like they had seen an alien. Which they had.

  “Hi, alien guy,” one of the other girls called out. “We think you’re so cute. And Cassidy, we love you too.”

  “Thank you,” Cassidy called as she waved to them. “That’s so sweet.”

  Before I knew it, the girls had made their way over to us, surrounding us and talking all at once.

  “I want a picture with you,” one of the girls said.

  “Me too,” they all chimed in.

  A few other customers from the store who had been watching the commotion pulled out their phones too. Pretty soon, the original four girls became a crowd of twenty or thirty people, forming a tight circle around us. They moved in so close that their faces became blurry and they were all screaming at once. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. Even though my three lungs were taking in large gulps of air, I felt short of breath.

  “I don’t like this,” I said to Cassidy.

  “It’s all part of being a star,” she answered. “You have to be nice to your fans.”

  “But they’re scaring me,” I said. “They’re pushing me. I need to get out of here.”

  “In a few minutes,” she said. “We just need to take a few more pictures.”

  “No, now,” I insisted. I hardly recognized the sound of my own voice. All I knew was that I needed to get away. The screams were echoing in my ears and making them buzz. The people surrounding me took up all the oxygen and made it hard to breathe. The circle they made was getting tighter and tighter. I felt like a caged animal and they were all closing in on me.

  And then I passed out.

  18

  I woke up in my bed in Eloise’s room, with Delores hovering over me like a helicopter. She was holding a tray covered with plates of food.

  “You have to eat, Buddy,” she said. “It takes strength to be a star, and you can’t just go around passing out all the time. It’s bad for your image.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what got into me.”

  “Well, I know what didn’t get into you, which is food. I’ve put together this tray of healthy snacks for you. There’s a kale salad, a beet-and-broccoli smoothie, peanut butter on whole wheat, and a tofu burger. I’m taking Cassidy for her voice lesson and then going to pick up Eloise. You stay in bed and eat. I want to see everything on this tray gone when I come back.”

  After she left, I inspected each dish on the tray. I was already woozy, and the smells coming from that food didn’t help. I resolved to try each one though, because I could feel myself growing weaker and weaker and I knew Delores was right.

  Here is what I discovered about the Earth foods on my tray.

  Eating kale is like eating lumber.

  A beet-and-broccoli smoothie isn’t smooth, and it also tastes like lumber.

  Peanut butter glues your tongue to the roof of your mouth.

  A tofu burger tastes like fermented sand beetle dung.

  After trying each food, I was exhausted and laid my head down on the pillow. Something was annoying me, and when I reached back and felt around, I realized that I was lying on three of my alien eyes. When had those popped out? I grabbed Eloise’s pink unicorn hand mirror that was on the bed stand and looked at myself. I was shocked to see that my Zane Tracy face had morphed into my alien face without me even realizing it. My human eyes had been replaced by my rotating eyes, and my fluffy human hair had receded back into my bald, bumpy scalp.

  I was transforming without willing it to happen.

  Why? This was something Grandma Wrinkle had never mentioned. The only answer was that my life force was dwindling and could no longer maintain my Zane Tracy exterior. I wasn’t physically strong enough to hold on to my biological transformation. Hydration alone wasn’t the answer. I was going to need food that my body could actually absorb. Not human food, but food that nourished me, like the nutritional wafers we eat on my planet.

  The nutritional wafers!

  There it was! In my haze, I had forgotten about the one remaining wafer that I had left in my spaceship. If I could only get to it, perhaps that one wafer would sustain me until I figured out what foods I could eat here on Earth.

  But as I lay there in bed, I felt too weak and hopeless to even imagine getting to my spaceship. It was only a few miles away on the back lot, but as far as I was concerned, it might just as well have been on Saturn.

  19

  I don’t remember the rest of Saturday clearly, but somehow, I had managed to get myself out of bed. I found myself sitting in a lump on the floor and calling out, “Come in!”

  The door creaked open and Cassidy stuck her head in.

  “Are you feeling better?” she asked. “It’s Sunday. You slept all day and night.”

  Suddenly, the door burst all the way open and Eloise pushed past Cassidy and came bounding in. She looked at me and shrieked.

  “Everybody run!” she screamed. “There’s an alien in my bedroom!”

  “Calm down, shrimp,” Cassidy said. “It’s Buddy, he’s just wearing his costume for the show. Are you afraid of a costume? That’s so babyish.”

  Eloise didn’t seem altogether comfortable with Cassidy’s explanation, but at least she stopped screaming. Then one of the sour purple gummy dragons detached itself from the ceiling and fell on her head.

  “It’s raining candy!” she giggled in a sudden change of attitude. She seemed to forget all about my alien look as she popped the gummy dragon into her mouth. It’s amazing the effect one gummy dragon can have on an Earth child.

  “We need t
o talk,” I whispered to Cassidy. “Alone.”

  She nodded and turned to Eloise.

  “Buddy and I need to go over our lines for tomorrow’s rehearsal,” she said. “We need you to leave.”

  “Okay,” Eloise said. “But if any more candy falls from the ceiling, call me right away.”

  When she was gone, I motioned for Cassidy to sit down next to me. I had so little energy, I could barely talk. In a raspy voice, I said, “I’m sick.”

  “Do you have some weird alien disease that’s going to wipe out all of humanity?” she asked.

  “Not that kind of sick.” I shook my head. “Hungry sick. I need food. Like the nutritional wafers from my planet.”

  “Well, we don’t have any of those, but we do have Ritz crackers. I could put some peanut butter on them.” Cassidy pushed herself up from the floor and headed for the door.

  “No, I need to get the nutritional wafer that’s in my spaceship.”

  She stopped walking and turned to me, a surprised look on her face. “What spaceship?”

  “The one I came here in. I didn’t come by subway.”

  “So where is this spaceship? In a crater in the middle of the desert?”

  “It’s on the back lot. In between the churro cart and the burger stand.”

  Cassidy crouched down and looked me square in the face. “Wait, are you telling me you just flew to Earth and parked your spaceship in the middle of the biggest tourist attraction in Los Angeles and no one noticed? That’s bizarre.”

  “Everyone on the tour thinks it’s a prop from a movie. Even Luis.”

  “I get that. The attractions on the tour are very convincing. When I was little, I thought those dinosaurs were real. I was so scared until my dad told me that my room had an invisible force field that kept the dinosaurs out.”

  “A force field? Was it electromagnetic or atomic?”

  “It was imaginary, silly.”

  She laughed, but I didn’t have the energy to join in. The best I could manage was a weak nod of the head. Cassidy looked concerned.

  “You poor thing,” she said. “We have to get to your spaceship. I could ask my mom to drive us, but she’s so nosy, she’d ask a million questions.”

  “I can call Luis and ask him to come pick me up. He’s been a good friend to me.”

  I tried to stand up, but crumbled back down into a heap. Cassidy took me by the arm and helped me to my feet so I could get a good grip on the floor with my suction cups.

  “Looks like we’re going together,” she said. “You’re in no shape for a solo expedition.”

  When we called Luis, he didn’t answer right away. When he finally did, he sounded rushed.

  “What’s up, Buddy?” he said. “Make it fast, dude, because I’m in the middle of work.”

  “I need a favor, Luis. Can you come pick me up at Cassidy’s and take me to the back lot? I need to get something from that spaceship.”

  “Dude, I am working. I got twenty kids around me right now. Three of them are trying to hang on to my neck bolts, and the rest are waiting for a Frankenstein selfie.”

  “I wouldn’t bother you except that this is a matter of life and death,” I told him.

  “Okay, okay, no need to be so melodramatic, dude. I got a break coming up in twenty minutes. Text me the address and I’ll shoot right over.” Then I heard the squeals of little kids through the phone and Luis saying, “Hey, little man, touch that bolt again and my head is going to fall off right in your lap.”

  Twenty minutes later, with Cassidy holding me up, we snuck through the house, headed for the driveway to wait for Luis. But nothing escapes Delores, and she cornered me as we opened the front door.

  “What’s with the costume, Buddy?” she asked.

  “I like to wear it on the weekend sometimes. It keeps me in character for the show. It’s something we actors do.”

  “‘We actors?’” Delores said, rolling her eyes. “Wow, it didn’t take you long to become Mr. Hollywood.”

  When Luis pulled into the driveway, he got out of his faded red convertible and opened the passenger door for us. He was wearing his green Frankenstein suit with the giant platform boots, but his Frankenstein head was strapped into the back seat with a seat belt. Delores looked him up and down.

  “What’s with you guys? Do you think every day is Halloween?” she asked.

  “These are my work clothes,” Luis answered.

  “You better put that top up,” she said. “If the cops see you, they’ll think you’ve both lost it.”

  Suddenly, a piercing shriek shot through the air. It was Eloise, who had wandered outside to see who had pulled up.

  “A green monster with a human face!” she screamed. “It’s not getting me.”

  She ran back into the house and slammed the door. Luis just chuckled. “I consider that a compliment,” he said.

  We got into the car and pulled out of the driveway, leaving the top down. I breathed deeply and let the fresh air fill all three of my lungs. Once we arrived on the Universal back lot, Luis parked in staff parking and we agreed to meet him there in fifteen minutes. With Cassidy supporting my limp body, we hurried past the throngs of tourists who were all snapping pictures. When we got to the door of the spaceship, I was too weak to climb up the stairs myself. Cassidy helped me and opened the hatch so I could crawl in.

  “Maybe you should wait here,” I said to her.

  “No deal,” she answered. “This is my chance to be on Star Trek, but for real.”

  I climbed inside the spaceship and Cassidy followed.

  “Watch your head,” I warned. “It’s tight quarters in here.”

  I took my place in the pilot’s chair as Cassidy wedged herself into the passenger seat. Urgently, I pushed the silver button that opened the compartment on the dashboard where the nutritional wafers were supposed to be. The compartment lid popped open but there was nothing inside. My heart sank. I didn’t remember having eaten all the wafers, but the compartment was definitely empty.

  “Oh,” Cassidy said. “I’m sitting on something.”

  She reached down and pulled a silver-wrapped package out from under her. It contained the last nutritional wafer, which I must have tossed on the seat in my haste to get to my studio identification picture.

  I snatched the package from Cassidy’s hand, ripped it open, and the wafer slid out. Before I could catch it, it slipped down into the crack between our seats. I stuck my spiny fingers into the crevice to retrieve it, but my long fingernails got ensnared by all the wiring and couldn’t reach the wafer. It had been over a day since I had trimmed my nails, and they had grown several inches in that time.

  “Help!” I said weakly. “Cassidy, it’s up to you.”

  She tried to put her hand down into the crack, but it didn’t fit. Human hands are too pudgy.

  “I have to find something small enough to get in there,” she said, looking frantically around the cabin. There was nothing. Then she caught sight of the amulet around my neck.

  “I can use that,” she said. “I’ll attach this piece of gum I’m chewing to the end of it. Then I’ll drop it down, your wafer will stick to it, and I’ll pull it up. Just like going fishing.”

  “You can’t touch this amulet,” I said, grasping it and holding it tightly to my chest.

  “Why, are you afraid I’m going to borrow your jewelry and not give it back?”

  “It’s not jewelry,” I said. “It contains the titanium vial that allows me to biologically alter. If anything happens to this amulet, I’m toast. Or maybe even just the crumbs left behind by toast.”

  “Buddy, you have to trust me,” she said. “We don’t have any other options.”

  She reached over and took the amulet from around my neck. Taking the wad of gum from her mouth, she attached it carefully to the tip, then lowered the chain into the crack between our chairs. Her face was all concentration as she slowly moved it around in the dark crevice.

  “Got it,” she said. “Now I
just hope it sticks.”

  I stuck my longest fingernail into the crevice until it found the wad of gum. Gently, I pressed it against the wafer, trying to increase the bond between them.

  “That’s the best I can do,” I said.

  “Okay, here goes. I’m reeling it in.”

  She pulled on the chain ever so gently, and little by little, the wafer made its way up through the crevice. As soon as it emerged, I couldn’t resist another second. I bent down and chomped off a big hunk, swallowing it in one gulp while making sure I didn’t eat the amulet. As I tried to gobble down the rest of it, Cassidy pulled the wafer away from me.

  “You can’t finish it,” she said. “We need to save a piece so we can figure out what’s in it. Then we’ll know what you can eat.”

  I was so hungry I could have eaten an entire asteroid belt. I wanted every bite of that wafer, but realized that Cassidy was completely right.

  “You’re so smart,” I said, and she smiled.

  Immediately, I started to feel better. My head fog cleared up, my limbs grew strong, and my suction cups puckered tightly on the spaceship floor. Whatever was in that wafer was exactly the nourishment my body needed. Seeing that I was coming back to life, Cassidy handed the amulet back to me, and I carefully placed it around my neck. We both knew this was something I could never lose. My life depended on it.

  “We still have five minutes before we have to meet Luis,” Cassidy said. “Why don’t you show me all the cool alien stuff you’ve got in here?”

  It felt really good that Cassidy was accepting the real me. I liked that she was curious about my other life.

  “I can show you the coolest thing ever,” I said, “if you promise it won’t freak you out. It’s really special to me.”

  “Bring it on,” Cassidy said. “I want to see what’s special to you.”

  I pushed the silver button on the dashboard, the one that popped open the compartment that held the mini-projector.

  “Begin now,” I commanded.

  The hologram of Grandma Wrinkle appeared and filled the cabin.