One Little Bit

by Tey Holden

  “No.” Karen smiled visualizing the image she knew too well.

  “So, I rest my case as to that matter. And as to any negative thoughts, I’m not even going to address any of that because I don’t see the need when everything has been so well thought out and taken care of. Lovely one, I have nothing more to say on the subject. All will be fine, and we will have ourselves a beautiful, healthy baby.”

  Then Addy began what became a tradition for the next few months. She began to talk Karen into sleep. All the talk was always about the baby, as she ever so gently caressed her. Every single night there were descriptions of the little one in boy or girl version, questions as to how he or she would look or be in character since the possibilities were endless so were the talks. Karen got so into it and enjoyed Addy’s scenarios and possibilities that every night she dozed off enchanted by the talks. Some nights, however, the talks were interrupted by awakened desires.

  ***

  Right around the fifth month, Karen decided to tackle an issue that was bothering her, and that Addy had refused to address. Karen was the type of person that liked to plan and not leave anything to chance. In the living room, one evening, she brought up the issue. “Addy, we need to talk”

  Addy pursed her lips and smiled. “Shoot! What are we talking about?”

  “We need to talk about what to do in the event something goes wrong.”

  “Oh, my God, Karen Larsen! I thought we had discussed everything and that this subject was closed. Why do you do this all the time? Why do you have to be negative about things? This kills me, you know? I like to think positive. Nothing will go wrong.”

  “Addy, I also like to think positive, but I’d like to be realistic. Things can happen. And even though you don’t want to talk about it, would you, please listen to me for my peace of mind? Is that too much to ask?”

  Addy pursed her lips. It really wasn’t too much to ask, after all, she had asked Karen to go through the pregnancy, and she had promised that she would live and take whatever Karen threw at her. So this was part of the deal.

  “All right. Speak your mind, if you must.”

  “I’ve gone over all the papers with Mr. Kimbell. Everything is in order. If the child survives—.”

  Addy rolled her eyes. “Oh, God, Karen!”

  “Hear me out! If the child survives, you do whatever you want to in terms of staying here or going back to the States. I’d much rather if you went back because that way you wouldn’t be alone and you would have Laurie to help you raise the baby. As you are my legal spouse, this property belongs to you as long as you live here, and it belongs, by birthright to the child, if she is a girl. There is no need for you to stay. There’s plenty of money in the bank to raise the kid.” Karen continued. “The adoption papers are in order also. Once the baby is born he or she becomes your adopted child. I know you will keep him or her, so I will not go into that. As for my last wish, well you know that I’d rather have no life if I were to be a vegetable, so I’m going to ask you to, please, pull the plug as a personal favor. Also, if it’s a matter of deciding between the child, or me I will let you decide. If you choose me, I promise never to mention your choice. I’d understand. And if you choose the baby, well love him or her as you’ve loved me. That is all I ask.”

  Hearing Karen speak had stirred a thousand emotions, from madness to fear, to panic to anger in the ten minutes it took Karen to speak her mind. Addy’s pulse was as fast as her breathing, and her face was somber and flushed showing a mixture of anger and anguish and a terrible need to cry. “Are you done?” Her voice quivered.

  “Yes. Are you okay?” Karen looked at her expectantly already knowing the answer. Addy said nothing, got up, opened the door and walked out to the patio and continued to walk down the rolling hill all the way to the distant tree where they had already had so many important conversations. Karen watched her go. She knew Addy needed time alone to gather herself.

  Walking towards the thinking tree, she contemplated many things. She thought about her life before Karen, Laurie, her family, and about how her life with Luke had turned out. She also thought about the twists and turns life had thrown at her after she had met Karen and how different life was now. She began to cry as she walked. She cried for many reasons, the hurt of the past, the joy of the present, and the wonder and the fears of the future.

  She sat on the bench under the thinking tree and imagined how it would have been like to have raised Laurie with Karen, and how much easier life would have been, knowing that she had her partner’s constant love and support, something she had never felt with Luke.

  Luke was always reluctant to help, and she had never felt that they had carried the burden of their family equally. She wondered why she hadn’t divorced him a lot sooner, and then thought about her daughter and what would have happened to her if she had. He might have fought her for custody, and that would have killed her. She thought she had done well waiting for the right time. She was happy with her decision.

  Reminiscing about her life, she realized how full and what a gift it had always been. She felt satisfied at having lived a full, plentiful life and was thankful that God had favored her with more than she could ever dream. She wondered what good deed she had done to deserve such a bountiful life. She loved and she was loved. What more could she ask for? Then she looked back towards the cottage and saw Karen walking towards the tree. She smiled mesmerized by the woman she loved, and then she had a vision of a lovely baby girl in Karen’s arms.

  When Karen came close to her she saw the overpowering look of joy on Addy’s face. She took Addy’s hands and sat next to her. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like to talk about those things. I don’t either, but I had to. I’m really sorry if I upset you.”

  Addy brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed them, and then she kissed her on the lips. Not having expected that outcome, Karen was happily surprised. “I thought you’d be mad at me, and now you kiss me like this, what’s going on? What is it, love?”

  “There’s something about this tree that always makes me think clearer. The view from here unclogs my mind. I look at the ocean and I lose myself to it. It’s so infinite.” She turned around to face Karen. “It’s like when I look into your eyes. I lose myself to you, and I love it.” Karen smiled somewhat confused.

  “You don’t need to apologize if anyone needs to apologize it’s me. I’ve asked you to share everything with me and then when you do, I act like a spoiled child and walk away. I’m sorry. I just have a hard time with negative thoughts. I can’t stand the idea of anything happening to you, I know you understand because you feel the same way about me.” She took Karen’s face in her hands and kissed her.

  “Yes, I know.”

  “But to end this deplorable conversation once and for all, and to put you at ease, let me just say that if I have to choose between you and the baby, I will be very selfish and chose you because I can’t think of life without you. However, if it’s not a matter of choice and the baby was the one to survive, I’d like you to know that I will love our baby and will take care of it for the rest of my life, and will give it the very best of me and of life.” Her eyes were teary as she spoke.

  “Thank you for sharing that, I know it was hard for you, but I needed to hear it.”

  Addy took a deep breath and then spoke softly. “Ker, I don’t know many things, but what I’m going to tell you now what I truly believe.” Addy was the reflection of peace and sincerity. Karen looked at her and listened with a loving smile that got bigger with every word she heard.

  “I know that I love you.” She closed her eyes and opened them. “Infinitely, and I know that I love our baby. I know that everything will be well, and I know that you and I are going to raise a beautiful and most wonderful child in a home full of love and understanding. You might think that this is another of my many crazy visions, but I know this to be as true and as real as this tree and as that ocean. I just know, Ker, I really do, and you must believe me.”
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br />   Karen pulled away from Addy’s arms a bit. “I believe you, Adriana.” She took pleasure pronouncing her name as she caressed Addy’s face with the back of her hand. Addy closed her eyes enjoying her touch. When Addy closed her eyes, Karen kissed her.

  “I also know that our baby is a girl.”

  Karen laughed. “Now that is the real crazy part!”

  Addy continued with her statements. “Let’s bet on it. Double or nothing?”

  Karen grinned. “Addy, the last time we made a bet like that I lost.”

  “Yes, and you paid well. Think you can pay as well now?”

  Karen grinned, loving the dare. “You are on. Double it is!”

  “Good, I’m so sure of my win that I’ve even come up with a name for our girl. What do you think about Alexandra, Alex for short?”

  “I like it.”

  “You do? No counter offer? No complaint or issue?”

  “Nope. Alexandra, it is!” As she said this she got up and pulled Addy up from the bench.

  “I can’t believe that you are not going to put up a fight for the name.”

  “Nope. This baby is my gift to you, so you can name it whatever you want.”

  ***

  They had many conversations regarding the baby over the course of the following months. Having a baby was unchartered territory and their life would most definitely change. One evening as they sat in the living room to watch a movie, Karen was thoughtful.

  “You know, Addy there is something we overlooked when we started this.” She pointed to her belly.

  “What?”

  “Well, I know we’ve talked about raising a child not being an easy thing. But I think raising this child is going to be a lot more difficult than any other.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, this child is going to have two mommies.”

  Addy looked at her seriously.

  “You didn’t think about that, did you smarty pants?”

  “No. I did not because I didn’t think it would matter.”

  “It does not matter to us, our friends and family, nor will it matter to ‘it’ until one day, when he or she realizes that other kids have a mom and a dad and that instead he or she has two moms and no dad. Then what?”

  Addy pondered the question. “We have a few years to do research as to how other parents in the same situation have dealt with this issue.”

  “Yes, we do. I wonder how much there is out there in terms of research material, though.”

  “We’ll buy every book and attend classes if necessary. Karen, this child will be brought up in an environment of love, and although I recognize that children can be cruel to other children and that the world out there is hard, we are going to have to raise this little one to be tough, a self-confident person who will not be afraid of being who she is.”

  “What if our child is one day ashamed of us because of the prejudice he or she finds out there?”

  “Ker, I wish I could give you a definite answer for that question. Unfortunately, I can’t. All we can do is raise her with love and teach her well. If we raise the child I hope to raise, she will live up to the challenge. That much I know. This baby,” she touched Karen’s belly, “will be an exceptional child. I just know it. Don’t ask me why I know, but I know it. Just like I knew that this cottage would be our home one day, and that the inn and later the other inns, and the distillery would be successful. I just have this great feeling about our baby. Ker, she is our child. She will have our love, our drive, our wits, and our spirit. She will be you and I combined. She will be us! I believe that someone who will be the product of our love will be an exceptional, loving human being. She will be a beautiful person.”

  Karen looked thrilled with the idea that there could be someone who actually combined the two of them into one being. “You definitely still think it’s a girl. Do you know something I don’t? Did Tiffany say anything to you?” Karen was making faces of outrage as if she had been left out of such vital information.

  “No, Tiffany didn’t say anything. I just know. I feel it.”

  “Sometimes, I’m frightened, Addy. Not just because I have this person inside of me and I don’t want to think which way it’s coming out, but also because we are entering unchartered territory. I mean, I know you had your daughter but this,” she pointed to the two of them, “is different.”

  “Ker, we can and we’ll do it. We will be successful like we’ve been with every other thing we’ve ever started. I promise you that I will research the issue and come the day, if there has to be a talk with the little one, I will be ready to tackle it. That I promise you, as well.”

  Karen smiled. She liked Addy’s resolve and her commitment to baby the project, as they called it. Addy was always up to the task and never disappointed.

  ***

  During the nine months of pregnancy, Addy literally lived at Karen’s beckoning taking care of the most minimum details to make her feel as comfortable as possible. There were massages, breakfasts in bed, and preparations of all of Karen’s favorite meals, as well as attention to every one of Karen’s wishes.

  As a way of entertainment, they shopped for baby items and gathered ideas on how to decorate the nursery. The shopping and the nursery preparations were mainly Addy’s idea. Karen’s attention was only sparked by Addy’s interests and comments. She thought that Addy was making too much of it, and was of the opinion that the only thing the baby needed was a safe crib.

  Every night Addy helped her take her shoes off, and helped her to take showers and reach any unreachable places. Karen was delighted with all the exaggerated attention received and each night, in bed Addy would sing to the baby, much to Karen’s delight.

  A lot of time was spent trying to make Karen feel good about the changes in her figure. This task was not difficult for Addy because she thought that Karen was the most beautiful woman on earth and that there was no way that she could ever look bad. However, Karen did not share that opinion and thought herself to look fat and swollen, and she hated it.

  Addy was concerned with Karen’s state of mind considering that they were only halfway into the pregnancy and knowing that the worst was yet to come.

  “Are they ever going to go back to normal?” Karen asked while holding her breasts and looking at herself in the mirror.

  “Yes, they will. And, for the record, I think they are beautiful as they are.” Addy took care of every opportunity to pay homage to Karen’s body parts.

  It was hard to talk about any matter related to the pregnancy. Karen was a reluctant pregnant woman who just wanted it over with. However, some matters required decisions and they had to be discussed. There was surely no way around a particular one that had to be tackled because Addy knew that Karen had not thought about it. So, Addy had to arm herself with courage and face what would surely be an onslaught from Karen.

  As usual, she buttered her up to soften the blow. “By the way, I know that you’ve been reading a lot, and I’m sure that you’ve read about this, but have you thought about whether you are going to breastfeed?”

  Hell had no fury! If looks could kill, Addy would have been dead on the spot. It was spontaneous and immediate. “You have got to be kidding me! Don’t even think about it Adriana because I have to draw the line somewhere and this is where I’m drawing it! And I don’t want to hear speeches about the baby will be healthier and how not breastfeeding would impair this or that!! As far as I’m concerned this kid should be thankful that she’s being born, and I really don’t give a damn if she has whatever impairment the books say she can have, no little brat is going to be sucking on my breasts as if I was some cow, no way! And that’s that! And I don’t want to hear another word about this!”

  “I guess that’s a no?”

  Karen narrowed her eyes in a menacing way, which only made Addy smile. When she heard Addy’s mild response, she immediately felt bad because she thought she had responded too harshly. However, she was convinced that sometimes with Addy she had to put
her foot down and preempt because if she would let Addy start talking she knew she would be doomed and doing whatever Addy wanted.

  On this subject, she was resolved not to let Addy have her way. “Addy, I want to get back to normality as soon as possible. I can’t stand being pregnant anymore.” She started to choke. The hormones were wild at this time of the pregnancy. “And I don’t think I can stand the little thing on my breast! I know that this decision may be some sort of sin in ‘the mother’ book, but I can’t, I really can’t.” The crying increased.

  “Oh, baby, you don’t have to breastfeed. I didn’t mean to say that you had to. I didn’t breastfeed either. I couldn’t even when they said it was better for the baby. It was not in my nature, and I didn’t. I don’t think it made a difference to Laurie, so don’t feel bad for not wanting to do it. On the positive side, if you were to change your mind,” Addy now had that naughty look on her face when she looked at Karen. “I’ve read that breastfeeding enlarges them. That sounds like a plus. Don’t you think so?”

  “What? So you are suggesting breastfeeding so that they will get bigger? I thought you said you liked them.”

  “Ker, I’m teasing you”

  “Good, because I’m not going through that for any reason! I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.”

  Addy followed her. “Want help?”

  “No, I don’t want you to see me.”

  “Ker, let me at least help you take your pants off.” Addy was outside the bathroom door and she could hear Karen struggling with her pants. All of a sudden the door opened. They looked at each other, and Addy came in and kissed her. Karen attempted to say something.

  “Ssshh! Don’t say anything.” She put her fingers to Karen’s mouth and then kissed her tenderly on the cheek.