by Ella Jackson
She sighed and paused. "You know, for someone who is a police officer, determined to uncover mysteries and all of that, you can be remarkably unaware. Of course there were people watching you.”
Watching me? That was definitely going down a road that would not be good for either me or Will. It was a lot to take in. And a lot to not think about. “Because we’re friends.”
Jessie patted my arm. “For now.” I rolled my eyes while she laughed. “Anyway,” she leaned forward, ”if that’s what you want. If you’re going to be more than friends with him, be careful."
She made it sound too easy. 'More than friends', just like that. I wouldn't be hurt again. He was just…a good guy, that was all.
I shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. The season would start in a few weeks, but even then, I knew, there wasn’t a lot of a chance that Will and I would run into each other.
Not that I really wanted to. I couldn't handle it.
Amy would hate that too. Basically because of Amy, in a way, I needed to separate myself from Will. From anything he could give me.
I tried not to think of him in any other way.
"Hey, Tanya!" Will jogged up, sheened with sweat already. "I'm glad you could make it. I got you something." He handed me an envelope.
I opened it up and found a couple of tickets to the opening game. Why would he be interested in inviting me? I should not even be thinking about going.
“Thanks...uh, buddy.” Beside me, Jessie nodded, a smile on the her face. “You can sit back up in the analyst's box with me. I promise this time I won’t grill you. Anyway, I need to get on with my work. See you, Tanya." She walked away before I could protest.
Did I want to go out with Will? Maybe, but that wasn't the deal we'd agreed. I wanted to hear him say it, though.
But can I ever expect to hear something like that from him, if I’m too afraid to do the same? That doesn't make sense.
I thought things would change, seeing him here, but instead they were exactly the same.
"Dempsey!" The coach called across the field, and Will looked at me apologetically. "I have to go. Thanks for coming, okay?"
I watched as he started toward the team again. Was I willing to risk being with someone like him?
This wasn't fair. That's when I knew, I needed to be clear with him and end any feelings I had for good, because I wanted to give Amy a chance to be happy.
Eleven
I was wondering what the hell I was doing when Tanya showed up.
I really didn’t want to tell her what had been running through my head. She’d been so determined not to let me get close to her, I’d had to remind her that she'd agreed to come and watch.
Yesterday I didn’t even want to spend time revising our drills, but after dinner last night with the guys, I was kinda looking forward to spending a few days with them. I checked, and she had sent me a text.
>Tanya: Still OK if I come to watch tomorrow?
I didn’t get it. What was she nervous about? Had something happened?
The guys didn’t say anything about it to me. They knew I'd seen her, but they waited for me to talk about it, which was uncharacteristically thoughtful of them. I didn’t care if they knew at this point.
I wished I could go home.
I wished I could talk to Pete about it, but he was busy with his training back in the UK, and we'd hardly talked since I moved here anyway.
We had a couple more training sessions before the first game of the season. I knew if she came, I could get to talk to her at least once.
"Hey, Will!" Joe called. "C'mon, let's go!"
I dropped my hands and shook my head again. What was wrong with me?
I can’t remember the last time I felt this strongly about someone.
Just like high school, except this time she wanted nothing to do with me. She was happy enough to come to my place, and she was obviously attracted to me, but just when it looked like it was all going to kick off, she pulled away.
Now I was really confused. She didn’t know me, but she must have read some of the reports from England about my...past.
She’d been pretty serious the night we met, and she was acting the same, but it was like she’d finally decided I was some kind of bad boy. She berated herself for giving it away, but I couldn't help thinking it was something to do with her friend Amy, the one I helped that night.
It made me feel like she had something on her mind, or she'd sworn some kind of oath not to date soccer players. She was so damn determined and unwilling to change, and it was obvious from a mile away.
I had moments where I thought I was going to lose it.
I looked over to where she'd been sitting, talking to Jessie, but she'd gone already. Dammit! I wanted to get my phone and message her right away, but we had a rule against doing so during training.
I went back to the team, cursing under my breath.
* * *
For the next few days, I was busy with interviews from the UK press; biographies, fielding questions about my move to the United States. I messaged Tanya, but she didn't respond.
Finally, Thursday came and I could get away from gym work and endless revision of plays to get to the cafe. I walked in, down the stairs and saw her sitting at the window in her uniform. She was with another guy, tall, dark hair. Evidently a cop from the badge and the gun on his hip.
I paused, and watched them for a minute. He said something, jokingly, and she laughed. Jealousy shot through me, and I fought it down.
That wasn't reasonable. We hardly knew each other. So why did I want to deck him right here and now?
I was tossing up whether to go straight over when Tanya caught sight of me. She smiled, instantly and unconsciously, and the sight was like the sun coming out. Right after the smile, though, things changed; she caught herself and composed her features with an obvious effort of will.
"Hey, Will!" She beckoned me over. I walked across the floor, and the dark-haired guy stood up, extending his hand.
"Matt Sanders." His grip was firm, like he was measuring me up and down. "You must be Will, the captain of our new soccer team, huh?"
"That's me. Good to meet you, Matt."
Tanya drained her coffee. "Hey, Matt, I'll see you back at the station, okay?"
"Sure thing." He nodded and turned to leave. "Good to meet you, Will. See you another time."
As I stared at his departing back, she looked over at me. "It's...good to see you."
"It's good to see you too." I still couldn't tell what the hell she was doing.
"Also, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your message; work, you know?" She looked like she believed what she was saying, so I decided to take it at face value.
"Sure, I understand."
"So, uh..." She turned back to me and smiled. "Thanks for the game tickets, and thanks for the invite to practice. I think I owe you this." She handed me a cup of coffee, and I took it gratefully.
I took a seat next to her, fixing my gaze on the coffee cup, and trying not to look at her. “How are you?”
She nodded. “Good, but busy at the station. Have you heard from Pete?”
I shook my head. Her eyebrows shot up. “Why? Didn’t he want to hear how you were doing?“
She bit the corner of her bottom lip and I had to stifle an urge to kiss her as she looked from her cup to me and back again.
I nodded. “Yeah, he does, but I haven't told him very much. It's...hard to explain."
She looked quizzical. “Uh-huh. What do you mean?”
I blinked and turned away, not used to having to explain myself like this. “I grew up wanting to do nothing except play football - sorry, soccer to you. My parents always encouraged me, and they were always my biggest fans. I wanted them to see me succeeding here, not failing. In a way, I need to establish myself here, before Pete sees what's happened, one way or another."
She looked surprised for a moment, considering what I'd said. As I looked at her now and remembered that she was only there b
ecause she'd wanted to arrest me, I wondered if I'd explained enough.
“I’m sorry. It must be hard for you being this far away from your family.”
I shrugged. “I’m used to it. I had to travel all the time for matches anyway." I looked into her face and waited for her to meet my eyes. “I’m really happy to be here, Tanya. Believe me about that.”
She smiled again, and took my hand. "Yeah, I know. You're very kind, Will. When I watched you at practice I realised that what you did for your team-mates wasn't just a one-off."
I stood up, grabbing her hand and pulled her up to me. “Come on. I've got to get to training, but come and walk with me for a bit." We left the cafe, and headed down the street in the gathering dark.
"So," I said, as we walked together, "changed your mind about professional sports yet?"
She gave me a sideways look. "Maybe. Some parts of it aren't as bad as I thought. "
I wasn’t sure if that was a ringing endorsement, or what. She let out a sigh. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” I squeezed her hand. "Look, I have a feeling there’s a lot I don’t know about you." I supposed there wasn’t really much to say after she told me about her past, but now, I saw her in a new light.
“I don’t have much time to get the team ready for the first game. I've got to pull them together into a single unit, and make them winners, right from the start.”
“Do they trust you?“
"I don’t know.”
She leaned her head back and looked into my eyes. “They don’t know how great you are?”
I shook my head. "They've heard of me, but that's about it."
“Can they win?”
I shrugged. “They always have that choice.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “You've done it before, Will. In England. You can do it again."
"I can. I believe in it, even if other people don't always do. But it's a hell of a thing, coming to a new country like this, and striking out on your own, no pun intended." I looked at her. "Thanks for being understanding."
She looked me in the eyes, and I wanted to take her by the shoulders and kiss her, again. Something that hadn’t happened yet. We said we'd just be friends, but..a thing? A spark? It was infuriating.
"No way. You're going to make a great husband for someone one day, believe me." Suddenly, she stopped.
“Is everything all right?” I watched her, waiting for a reaction.
She chuckled and shook her head. She was lying. I stepped closer to her, tightening my grip.
“What is it?"
She noticed my eyes. “It's - nothing.”
She was lying.
“What did you do today?”
She crossed her arms over her chest and looked me over again.
“I can take care of myself, Will.” But it was out there, something had happened.
I closed my eyes. I felt like a fool, but I needed to know.
“Sorry, just thinking about-" She looked away, and when she looked back, she was smiling. "Hey, you remember my friend Amy? The pretty one?"
"Uh, yeah." I shouldn't have told her what I said about Ricky and his...short attention span.
Tanya’s gaze dropped to the ground. “I think she-”
I pull her into my arms for a moment. "Just a second. Why don't we talk about this tomorrow, over dinner? I've found a little restaurant not far from my place. Whaddya say?"
She met my eyes and looked alarmed. “You and me?"
"Yeah."
"On our own."
"Yeah." I put my arms around her waist. "Just the two of us. I'll get you away from your desk for once."
A long moment passed, and she shook her head. "I can't, Will. That's not a good idea."
“Did Amy say anything?” She shrugged. Like I was a child.
"No, it's not that at all. It's-"
“What?” She took a deep breath. “It's just not a good idea for us to see each other like that. You know it just like I do."
"Tanya, wait. We-" I was getting angry now. She'd felt the chemistry between us. She'd been the one who initiated the kiss last time. What was wrong?
“You’re...not my type.” My face must have betrayed my emotions, because she hugged me. "Seriously, Will, I just think we're better as friends, that's all. I meant it when I said you'd be a great husband for someone one day."
I shook my head, and let her out of my arms. "Okay, if that's what you think." I wanted to tell her about how I feel, but her refusal had taken all the wind out of my sails. She looked disappointed, too, but trying to hide it.
“You’re not seeing anyone else?”
“No, no way.” At least not yet. I wanted us to learn more about each other, that was all, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it yet.
“What about the media?” I shook my head. “It's not a problem.”
She seemed more confident and calmer than I was.
“I expect you to hold me to that.”
“Look, Will, I like you. But I can’t commit to someone unless I know he’s going to be around for a long time.”
I spun to face her. “I can do that for you, Tanya, and you know it.” I’m not even sure about it all, but I was prepared to go out on a limb here.
She smiled up at me. “I’m worried about you, though. You're new in town, and you don't know how long you're going to be here.”
She had a point, but I also never felt this way about someone before. I knew that we probably should have been playing it a little cooler, but I didn’t give a damn.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I let her go. "Okay, fair enough. I understand how you feel. Friends, then?"
She nodded. "Friends. All the soccer groupies will leave me alone now, I hope.”
"There aren't very many of them here in the USA, believe me." But I sure made it clear to her how disappointed I was. As I got my car keys out, getting ready to head back to my apartment, I decided I’d keep this to myself a little longer.
“What are you going to do now?” I watched as she licked her lips, thinking. "Plenty of girls would be desperate to have you."
"Yeah, I guess so. But none of them were you.” She looked like she wanted to say more, but stopped." I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”
"Hey, it's OK. Friends, right?" She gave me a knowing look.
I laughed. “You’re right about that. Friends. Stay in touch, okay?”
She nodded and smiled. “I will.” I hugged her again then pulled back.
“I’ve got to go.”
“I should get back to work.” She wiped under her eyes and smiled at me again.
“It was nice to see you again.”
“You too.”
As I drove away, I glanced back and looked at her. She was right. We were wrong for each other.
Twelve
The last thing I want to do is throw in his face the fact that I told Matt I'd back off and leave Will alone. Luckily, he has no idea about it. It was probably for the best. Conflicts between friends are hell. Either way, I was better off just being friends with him. I had no time for a relationship, and it was the last thing I needed.
At first, I focused on work, and catching up on my reports. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to leave my house yesterday, let alone have a good time.
“Why didn’t you call him?” I cringed at Matt’s voice.
"I thought you left work a while ago. What are you doing?”
He smirked. “I had to finish my shift first.”
I wanted to hit him, but I knew he meant the best. I rolled my eyes. “I'm wasn’t ready for a relationship, and he respects that.”
Matt ignored me. “I’ve seen it all before. I know the signs. You're still sweet on him, admit it."
“I am in no way sweet on him.” I shook my head.
He nudged me with his elbow. “You need to check who you're talking to. I saw how you looked at him in the cafe, Tanya. Like you wanted to eat him up. How responsible are you?”
/>
“Not very. But that’s not what I want. There’s more to it than that."
“Like what?”
“I’ve got responsibilities, Matt. My career. I’m busy. It's not a good time." I shrugged a shoulder. “And he needs someone to trail around after him and I can’t do that right now.”
He raised a single eyebrow.
“He’s an athlete, Tanya, not a man-baby. You need to get over your prejudices somehow. It’s not like he wanted you to be at his beck and call, is it?"
I can’t even argue with him. I couldn’t drag myself back home just because this job wasn’t all going the way I'd prefer. Now, for the first time in nearly five years of being on the force, I was making progress, going where I wanted to, without a man in tow, telling me we had to move for his career. It was more important to me than anything else. But some part of me wanted to believe that I could have that and a family.
My childhood was anything but settled, and I couldn't do that to a child of mine. The worst thing in the world for Will would be to get mixed up with a person like me.
I didn’t know how I was going to handle this situation, but I knew that I should stick to just being friends with Will, and let him fall for Amy. It was easy to imagine that happening.
“I have too many other things on my mind right now, Matt. It has to do with me making a decision for myself and not for anyone else. Will's not the kind of guy who's going to make sacrifices for me."
“He can’t do that if you keep him at arm's length. You know that.”
I sighed. "Yeah, I know." I only hoped I was enough to convince Amy before Will moved on to someone else because of me. I had no way of knowing what he'd do, but Will and I were just friends.
Definitely.
“Be careful, Tanya." He turned to walk away and then stopped. "Just don't keep kidding yourself about what you really want.”
* * *
Will had invited me to practice again, and I'd said 'yes' - why the heck not, right?
Just buddies, that's all. I'm going to watch my buddy's sports-game practice. Thing. Yeah.
I had to leave in the next few minutes if I was going to make it to practice on time. I went straight to my car, trying not to relive the last kiss between Will and I, and realizing that if Amy and Ricky really did go out regularly, there was going to be a lot of graphic detail I was going to have to listen to and not flinch.