Sing You Home

by Jodi Picoult

  "Max?" she said, and I grimaced--I'd forgotten about caller ID.

  "Hey," I said.

  "Is everything okay?"

  It was ten at night, and we'd left in a major storm. Of course she was panicked.

  "There's something I need to ask you," I said.

  Do you know how you light up a room?

  Do you ever think about me?

  Then I heard Reid's voice in the background. "Come on back to bed, honey. Who's calling so late, anyway?"

  And Liddy's response: "It's just Max."

  Just Max.

  "What did you want to ask?" Liddy said.

  I closed my eyes. "Did . . . I leave my scarf there?"

  She called out to Reid. "Sugar? Did you see Max's scarf?" There was some exchange I couldn't quite make out. "Sorry, Max, we haven't found it. But we'll keep a lookout."

  A half hour later, I let myself into my apartment. The light over the stove was still on, and the little tree that Zoe had bought and decorated herself was glowing in the corner of the living room. She absolutely insisted on a live tree, even though it meant lugging it up two flights of stairs. This year she'd tied white satin bows to the boughs. She said each one was a wish she had for next year.

  The only difference between a wish and a prayer is that you're at the mercy of the universe for the first, and you've got some help with the second.

  Zoe was asleep on the couch, curled beneath a blanket. She was wearing pajamas with snowflakes all over them. She looked like she'd been crying.

  I kissed her, to wake her up. I'm sorry, she murmured against my lips. I shouldn't have--

  "I shouldn't have, either," I told her.

  Still kissing her, I slipped my hands under the edge of her pajama top. Her skin was so hot it burned my palms. She dug her fingers into my hair and wrapped her legs around me. I sank to the floor and tugged her down with me. I knew every scar on her body, every freckle, every curve. They were markers on a road I'd been traveling forever.

  I remember thinking our lovemaking that night was so intense, it should have left behind some kind of permanent record, like the beginnings of a baby, except it didn't.

  I remember that my dreams were full of wishes, although, when I woke up, I couldn't remember a single one.

  By the time Liddy gets to wherever she's planning on going, my buzz has worn off and I'm pretty much pissed at myself and the world. Once Reid finds out that I was pulled over by a cop for drunk driving, he'll tell Pastor Clive, who'll tell Wade Preston, who'll lecture me on how easy it is to lose a trial. When all I wanted, I swear, was to quit being thirsty.

  I have been riding with my eyes closed because I'm also suddenly so tired I can barely keep upright. Liddy throws the truck into park. "We're here," she says.

  We are in the lot in front of the storefront that houses the administrative offices of the Eternal Glory Church.

  It's after hours, and I know that Pastor Clive won't be around, but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Alcohol has already messed up my own life, and here I am using it to mess up a whole bunch of other people's lives, too. "Liddy," I promise, "it won't happen again . . ."

  "Max." She tosses me the keys to the church office, which she has because she is the head of the Sunday School program. "Shut up."

  Pastor Clive has set up a small chapel here, just in case someone needs to come in to pray at a time other than our weekly service at the school auditorium. It's got a few rows of chairs, a lectern, and a picture of Jesus on the cross. I follow Liddy past the receptionist's desk and the copy machine into the chapel. Instead of turning on the lights, she strikes a match and touches it to a candle that's sitting on the lectern. The shadows make Jesus's face look like Freddy Krueger's.

  I sit down beside her and wait for her to pray out loud. That's what we do at Eternal Glory. Pastor Clive carries on a conversation with Jesus and we all listen.

  Tonight, though, Liddy folds her hands in her lap, as if she's waiting for me to speak.

  "Aren't you going to say something?" I ask.

  Liddy looks up at the cross behind the lectern. "You know what my favorite passage in the Bible is? The beginning of John 20. When Mary Magdalene was grieving after Jesus's death. He wasn't Jesus to her, you know, he was her friend and her teacher and someone she really cared about. She came to the tomb, because she just wanted to be close to his body, if that was all that was left of him. But she got there, and his body was gone, too. Can you imagine how lonely she felt? So she started crying, and a stranger asked her what was wrong--and then said her name, and that's when she realized it was actually Jesus talking to her." Liddy glances at me. "There are lots of times I've been sure God's left me. But then it turns out I was just looking in the wrong place."

  I don't know what I'm more ashamed of: the fact that I am a failure in the eyes of Jesus, or in the eyes of Liddy.

  "God's not at the bottom of that bottle. Judge O'Neill, he'll be watching everything we do. Me and Reid, and you." Liddy closes her eyes. "I want to have your baby, Max."

  I feel electricity run through me.

  Dear God, I pray silently, let me see myself as You do. Remind me that none of us are perfect until we look into Your face.

  But I am staring at Liddy's.

  "If it's a boy," she says, "I'm going to name him Max."

  I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. "You don't have to do that."

  "I know I don't have to, but I want to." Liddy turns toward me. "Did you ever want something so bad you think that hoping is going to jinx it?"

  In all the spaces between the words, I hear ones she hasn't spoken out loud. So I grasp the back of her head, and I lean forward and kiss her.

  God is love. I've heard Pastor Clive say that a thousand times, but now, I understand.

  Liddy's arms come up between us, and with more force than I would have expected her to have, she shoves me backward. My chair screeches across the floor. Her cheeks are bright red, and she's covering her mouth with one hand.

  "Liddy," I say, my heart sinking, "I didn't mean to--"

  "You don't have to apologize, Max." Suddenly there is a wall between us. I may not be able to see it, but I can feel it. "It's just the alcohol, acting out." She blows out the candle. "We should go."

  Liddy leaves the chapel, but I stay behind. For at least another minute, I wait, completely in the dark.

  After my car wreck, when I let Jesus into my heart, I also let Clive Lincoln into my life. We met in his office, and we talked about why I drank.

  I told him that it felt like a hole inside me, and I was trying to fill it up.

  He said that hole was quicksand, and I was sinking fast.

  He asked me to list all the things that made that hole bigger.

  Being broke, I said.

  Being drunk.

  Losing clients.

  Losing Zoe.

  Losing a baby.

  Then he began to talk about what could patch that hole in me.

  God. Friends. Family.

  "Yeah," I said, looking down at the floor. "Thank goodness for Reid."

  But Pastor Clive, he can hear when you don't mean what you say, and he leaned back in his chair. "This isn't the first time Reid's bailed you out, is it?"

  "No."

  "How does that make you feel?"

  "How do you think it makes me feel?" I exploded. "Like a total fuckup. Like everything comes so easy to Reid, and me, I'm always drowning."

  "That's because Reid's given himself over to Jesus. He's letting someone else lead him over the rapids, Max, and you--you're still trying to swim upstream."

  I smirked. "So I just let go, and God takes care of it?"

  "Why not? You sure as heck haven't been doing a bang-up job lately, yourself." Pastor Clive walked behind my chair. "Tell Jesus what you want. What does Reid have that you wish you could have, too?"

  "I'm not going to talk out loud to Jesus--"

  "Do you think He can't read your thoughts anyway?"

  "F
ine." I sighed. "I'm jealous of my brother. I wish I had his house. His bank account. Even his faith, I guess."

  Speaking it so baldly made me feel like shit. My brother had never done anything but help me, and here I was coveting everything he had. I felt ugly, like I had peeled off a layer of skin to find an infection underneath.

  And God, all I wanted to do was heal.

  I might have cried then; I don't remember. I do know it was the first time I really saw myself for the person I was: someone too proud to admit his flaws.

  I left one thing off the list, though, when I was talking to Pastor Clive. I never said I wanted Reid's wife.

  I kept that secret.

  On purpose.

  I apologize at least fifty more times to Liddy on the way home, but she stays cool, tight-lipped. "I'm sorry," I say again, as she pulls into the driveway.

  "For what?" Liddy asks. "Nothing happened."

  She opens the front door and lifts my arm over her neck, so that it looks like she's supporting me. "Follow my lead," she says.

  I'm still a little unsteady on my feet, so I let her drag me inside. Reid is standing in the foyer. "Thank God. Where did you find him?"

  "Throwing up on the side of the road," Liddy answers. "He's got a nasty case of food poisoning, according to the ER."

  "Man, little brother, what did you eat?" Reid asks, wrapping an arm around me so that he can take some of my weight. I pretend to stumble, and let him pull me downstairs to the guest room in the basement. After Reid lays me down on the bed, Liddy takes off my shoes. Her hands are warm on my ankles.

  Even in the dark, the ceiling's spinning. Or maybe that's just the ceiling fan. "The doctor says he'll be able to sleep it off," Liddy says. Through slitted eyes, I notice that my brother has his arm around her.

  "I'll call Pastor Clive, tell him Max got back safely," Reid says, and he leaves.

  Pastor Clive was looking for me, too? A fresh wave of guilt floods over me. Meanwhile Liddy steps into the closet and reaches onto the top shelf. She shakes out a blanket and covers me. I consider apologizing again, but then on second thought, I pretend to be asleep.

  The bed sinks under Liddy's weight. She is sitting close enough to touch me, and I hold my breath until I feel her hand brush my hair away from my face.

  Her voice is a whisper, and I have to strain to hear it.

  She's praying. I listen to the rise and fall of her words, and pretend that, instead of asking God for help, she is asking God for me.

  The morning of the first time we are scheduled to appear in the courtroom, Wade Preston shows up at Reid's front door holding a suit. "I have one," I tell him.

  "Yes," he says, "but do you have the right one, Max? First impressions, they're critical. You don't have a chance for a do-over."

  "I was just going to wear my black one," I say. It's the only suit I own; I got it from Eternal Glory's goodwill closet. It's been good enough for me to wear to church on Sundays, anyway, or when I'm out doing mission work for Pastor Clive.

  The one Preston's brought is charcoal gray. There is also a crisply pressed white shirt and a blue tie. "I was going to wear a red tie," I say. "I borrowed it from Reid."

  "Absolutely not. You don't want to stand out. You want to look humble, stable, solid as a rock. You want to look the way you will when you go to the kindergarten parent-teacher conference."

  "But Reid will be going to that--"

  Wade waves me away. "Don't be obtuse, Max. You know what I mean. A red tie says, Notice me."

  I pause. Wade is wearing the most perfectly tailored suit I've ever seen. His initials are embroidered on the French cuff of his shirt. He's got a pocket square made of silk. "You're wearing a red tie," I say.

  "My point exactly," Wade replies. "Now go get dressed."

  An hour later, we are crammed at one of the tables in the front of the courtroom: Liddy, Reid, Ben Benjamin, Wade, and me. I haven't spoken to Liddy all morning. She's probably the one person who could calm me down, but every time I try, Wade remembers something else he needs to tell me about my behavior in court: Sit up straight, don't fidget, don't make faces at the judge. Don't react to anything the other side says, no matter how much it upsets you. From what he's said, you'd think I was about to have my stage debut instead of just sitting through a legal motion.

  My tie is choking me, but every time I yank at it, Wade or Reid tells me to quit.

  "Showtime," Wade murmurs, and I turn around to see what he's looking at. Zoe's just walked into the courtroom, along with Vanessa and a tiny lady with bouncy black curls that ricochet in all directions from her scalp.

  "We're outnumbered," Vanessa says quietly, but I can hear her all the same, and I like the idea that Wade's already thrown them off their game. Zoe doesn't look at me as she takes her seat. I bet that little lawyer gave her a bunch of rules to follow, too.

  Wade quietly dials a number on his cell phone, and, a moment later, the double doors at the back of the courtroom open and a young woman who works as a paralegal for Ben Benjamin wheels a hand truck full of books down the aisle. She stacks them on the table in front of Wade, while Zoe and Vanessa and their lawyer watch. There are books of research, books of law from other states. I start reading the titles on the spines: Traditional Marriage. The Preservation of Family Values.

  The last book she sets on top of the pile is the Bible.

  "Hey, Zoe," the female lawyer says. "You know the difference between a catfish and Wade Preston? One's a slimy, scum-sucking bottom-feeder. And the other one's just a fish."

  A man stands up. "All rise, the honorable Padraic O'Neill presiding."

  The judge enters from another door. He is tall, with a mane of white hair that has a tiny triangle of black at the widow's peak. Two deep lines bracket his mouth, as if his frown needed any more attention drawn to it.

  When he sits down, we do, too. "Baxter versus Baxter," the clerk reads.

  The judge slips a pair of reading glasses on. "Whose motion is this?"

  Ben Benjamin stands. "Your Honor, I'm here today on the behalf of third-party plaintiffs, Reid and Liddy Baxter. My client is joining in the effort to have them impleaded into the case, and my colleague, Mr. Preston, and I would very much like to be heard on that issue."

  The judge's face crinkles in a smile. "Why, Benny Benjamin! Always a pleasure to have you in court. I get to see if you managed to learn anything I ever taught you." He glances over the paperwork in his folder. "Now, what is this motion about exactly?"

  "Judge, this a custody battle over three frozen embryos that remained after the divorce of Max and Zoe Baxter. Reid and Liddy Baxter are my client's brother and sister-in-law. They wish--and Max wishes--to gain custody of the embryos for the purpose of giving them to his brother and sister-in-law to gestate and bring to term and raise as their own children."

  Judge O'Neill's eyebrows knit together. "You're telling me there's a final judgment about property that the parties didn't deal with during their divorce?"

  Wade stands up beside me. His cologne smells like limes. "Your Honor, with all due respect," he says, "we are talking about children. About pre-born children--"

  Across the aisle, Zoe's attorney rises. "Objection, Your Honor. This is ludicrous. Can someone please tell Mr. Preston we're not in Louisiana?"

  Judge O'Neill points at Wade. "You! Sit down right now."

  "Your Honor," Zoe's lawyer says, "Max Baxter is using biology as a trump card to take three frozen embryos away from my client--who is one of the intended parents. She and her legal spouse intend to raise them in a healthy, loving family."

  "Where's her legal spouse?" O'Neill asks. "I don't see him sitting next to her."

  "My client is legally married to her spouse, Vanessa Shaw, in the state of Massachusetts."

  "Well, Ms. Moretti," the judge replies, "she's not legally married in Rhode Island. Now, let me get this straight--"

  Behind me, I hear Vanessa stifle a snort. "But we're not," she murmurs.

  "--You wan
t the embryos." He points at Zoe. "And you want them," he says, pointing at me, and finally he points to Reid and Liddy. "And now they want them?"

  "Actually, Your Honor," Zoe's lawyer says, "Max Baxter doesn't want the embryos. He plans to give them away."

  Wade stands up. "To the contrary, Your Honor. Max wants his children to be raised in a traditional family, not a sexually deviant one."

  "A man seeking embryos to give away to somebody else," the judge sums up. "Are you saying that's a traditional type of thing to do? Because it sure isn't where I come from."

  "If I may, Judge, this is a complicated case," Zoe's attorney says. "As far as I know, it's a new area of the law that's never been determined in Rhode Island. Today, though, we're only convened because of the motion filed to implead Reid and Liddy Baxter, and I strenuously object to them becoming parties in this lawsuit. I have filed a memo today stating that, and, in fact, if you choose to allow prospective gestational carriers to implead this case, then Vanessa Shaw should also be a party, and I will file a motion immediately--"

  "I object, Your Honor," Wade argues. "You already said this is not a legal marriage, and now Ms. Moretti is raising a red herring that you already tossed out."

  The judge stares at him. "Mr. Preston, if you interrupt Ms. Moretti again, I am going to hold you in contempt of court. This is not a TV show; you're not Pat Robertson. This is my courtroom, and I'm not about to let you turn it into the circus you'd like it to be. I'm retiring after this case, and so help me, I'm not going out in a religious catfight." He bangs his gavel. "The motion to implead is denied. This case is between Max Baxter and Zoe Baxter, and it will proceed in the ordinary course. You, Mr. Benjamin, are welcome to call whomever you like as a witness, but I'm not impleading anyone. Not Reid and Liddy Baxter," he says, and then he turns to the other lawyer. "And not Vanessa Shaw, so don't file any motions requesting it."

  Finally, he turns to Wade. "And Mr. Preston. Word to the wise: think very carefully about what kind of grandstanding you plan to do. Because I'm not allowing you to run away with this court. I'm in charge here."

  He stands up and leaves the bench, and we jump up, too. Being in court isn't that different from being in church. You rise, you fall, you look to the front of the room for guidance.

  Zoe's lawyer walks over to our table. "Angela," Wade says. "I wish I could say it's a pleasure to see you, but it's a sin to lie."