A Walk Through Fire

by Felice Stevens

  “Uh, excuse us, you guys, but can you hold it off until later?” A familiar voice broke into Ash’s befuddled mind, but he didn’t care and continued to place soft kisses on Drew’s lips. Only the sound of a throat clearing and a muttered curse caused him to break contact with Drew’s hot mouth to slant a look to the side.

  He caught Keith’s amused smirk, but his stomach clenched at the grimace of disgust on Jordan’s face. With one final kiss, Ash pulled away from Drew but kept his arm draped over Drew’s shoulder, his body tucked into Ash’s side.

  “Hello, you two.” He extended a hand first to Keith, who took it, giving him a strong clasp and a squeeze. As Keith shook Drew’s hand, Ash offered his hand to Jordan, who stared hard at him for a moment, then deliberately turned his back on him to walk over to the bar and pour himself a drink. Ash’s face flamed at the purposeful insult, but he said nothing. This was Drew’s night, and he wasn’t about to ruin it for him.

  “He’ll come around. Don’t worry.” Rachel spoke into his ear and squeezed his arm as Drew followed after Keith and Jordan.

  “Thanks. I don’t care if he doesn’t like me, but it hurts Drew, and I can’t stand to see that happen.” Ash leaned down to give her a kiss hello and clap Mike on the back.

  Mike gave him a curious look. “You and D are really, um, together? Like a couple?”

  Ash braced himself for more criticism from another of Drew’s friends. “Yes. I hope it won’t be as much of a problem for you as it is for Jordan.”

  Mike shrugged. “I don’t care. As long as you’re good to him, it doesn’t matter to me. Jordan’s always been overprotective of Drew and me, maybe because he’s the oldest of our group. I don’t know.” He glanced over at Rachel. “I’m sure you’ll eventually work out any problem with him. He’s a pain in the ass but means well.” He and Rachel excused themselves to get a drink as Esther approached.

  “Asher, darling boy. Come give me a kiss.”

  A genuine smile broke across his face. “Hello, Esther. You’re looking lovely as usual.” He kissed her cheek and then her slim fingers. Tucking her little hand into the crook of his arm, he walked her across the room, over to where Drew stood, still talking to Jordan and Keith.

  “I love walking arm in arm with a big, strong man. My Sy was like you, and he always made me feel so safe.” She patted his arm.

  “I’m honored you compare me to your late husband in any way. Drew tells me he was a wonderful man.”

  She nodded and squeezed his arm. “He was, yes. And you have been wonderful for Drew and those young children at the clinic.” She halted their procession and faced him, placing her hand on his arm.

  He tensed as her gaze fell to his bared arm. Her face blanched, and he knew she’d seen and felt the many scars that twisted over his exposed skin. He’d forgotten to roll down his shirtsleeves before everyone started to arrive for the party. Now Esther had a full view of his humiliation and self-destruction.

  “My dearest child.” Her lips trembled, and he noticed how white she’d become. Fearing for her health, he led her quickly to a chair and sat next to her. “Why?”

  He could never tell her. It was enough he lived with the memories, but a woman like Esther didn’t deserve the burden of his self-destructive behavior.

  “It was long ago, before I came to New York; before I managed to make something of my life.” He released a breath he wasn’t aware of holding. “I’ve done many things I’m ashamed of and wish I could erase. I treated people like they were nothing, nobodies like me. Having Drew as a friend and you, Esther, as someone who cares for me has irrevocably changed me.”

  He’d never known what it meant to belong, to have someone else worry or care about him, nor had he ever thought of anyone else’s feelings but his own. Being with Drew and working at the clinic had showed him his life could have purpose and that he meant something, not only to those kids he tried to help, but to Drew and Esther. He’d never thought it possible to dream of a life full of happiness, yet every day that he woke up with Drew, the dream became a reality.

  Tears brimmed in her eyes. “I love you, Asher. You’ve become as dear and special to me as if you were my own. Promise me you’ll never do anything to harm yourself again.”

  “I’m not good. I’m selfish, arrogant, and quick-tempered. I don’t know what you see in me.” He grabbed both her hands in his. “But I don’t have that driving need to hurt myself anymore. I think I’m beginning to believe maybe I am not fully to blame for the past. I’m learning to find my happiness, and enjoy it.” And as he spoke, he realized it was the first time he’d ever said it. But it was true. He was happy, and as his gaze slid over the people in the room and found Drew, warmth suffused his body and the tension within him melted away. With the uncanny sixth sense they had when the other was around, Drew caught his eye and winked. A smile crept across Ash’s face.

  “Does my grandson know?”

  “Know what, Esther?” His concentration remained on Drew.

  “That you love him. And from the looks he’s giving you, I’d say the feeling is mutual.”

  Ash’s heart dropped to his stomach. All the saliva in his throat dried up, and he tasted sawdust in his mouth. “Um, I—”

  “Is this the dashing, silver-tongued lawyer I’ve heard so much about?” Esther, her voice full of amusement, stunned him with her perception.

  “Esther.” Ash sighed. “I don’t know what to say to you.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. I see it in your eyes. Only you know how you feel and what’s in your heart.”

  What did he feel? He had no idea. He only knew that a life without Drew in it now seemed inconceivable.

  He watched her gaze settle on Drew and Jordan, a fond smile crossing her lips. “Did you know after Jordan told us all he was gay, I marched with him in the first gay pride parade he attended? I was so proud of him, standing up for himself, against all the bullies.”

  Ash swallowed his hurt. “Jordan hates me. He remembers the way I used to be and the corrupted life I lived. He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m going to hurt Drew.” He regretted so much in his life, but never more so than tonight. If only he’d behaved himself and not been the man-whore he’d been in the past, perhaps he would’ve been accepted by Drew’s best friend.

  “And are you?”

  As usual Esther came straight to the point. She never let him get away with anything, forcing him to face his innermost secrets. Tonight was no different except he no longer had the driving need to hide his feelings not only from her, but from himself.

  “I’d hurt myself again before I’d hurt Drew. I care about him more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else.”

  “I never imagined you to be a coward. You know, I’ve lost so many people I’ve loved I no longer wait for what I think is the right time or let people dictate to me what’s right or wrong. Don’t waste your time thinking.”

  Ash bent down and gave her a kiss on her cheek. As a child he used to wonder about his real mother. Who she was, whether or not she had dreams for him when she was pregnant and after he was born. But now, as he soaked in Esther’s love and acceptance, from the gentle touch of her hand on his to the soft, knowing look in her eyes, the past had receded far enough that it no longer mattered how his life had begun.

  It only mattered where he was going and whom he’d be journeying with.

  “Thank you, Esther.”

  He walked toward Drew.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “What the fuck are you doing with him?” Jordan’s anger pushed against him like backdraft from a fire. As long as he’d known him, Drew couldn’t remember his friend exhibiting such hostility.

  “I’m still not sure why you think I need to explain anything to you.” His voice remained deceptively calm, but Drew’s eyes narrowed in anger. “Since when have you appointed yourself my keeper?”

  “Since you started making such fucking stupid decisions, man. What the hell is wrong with you lately? First y
ou marry that cheating bitch; now you allow yourself to be taken in by some self-centered prick.” Jordan ran his hand through his hair, causing the usual neatly styled arrangement to stand up on end.

  Drew’s temper snapped like a worn-out rope. “Enough. I don’t know why you, Rachel, or Mike think you have the right to voice opinions on my choices in life. I’m not fucking four years old on the playground anymore.”

  “Then stop acting like it, and use your brain instead of your dick,” Jordan sniped, his blue eyes icy cold. His usual cockiness had been replaced by the sneering arrogance Drew heartily detested. From childhood, Jordan had consistently believed his decisions were always best, stemming from his natural-born confidence as the oldest and therefore the leader in their group. As children, Drew had always found it easier to follow in Jordan’s wake instead of asserting his own independence.

  It had never mattered that much until now.

  Almost desperately, Drew put a hand on Jordan’s arm in an attempt to salvage the conversation and perhaps their friendship. Because he knew that no matter how important his friends were to him, if he was forced to make a choice, he’d choose Ash.

  “Don’t you understand? I don’t want to make this choice, and I shouldn’t have to. Why are you forcing me? How would you feel if I told you I didn’t like Keith? Would you break up with him?” Drew watched as a look of disbelief flashed across Jordan’s face.

  “You actually have the nerve to compare Keith to that arrogant piece of shit? I’ll bet he’s never told you how he feels about you. And you’re too trusting, like always. You’ll never learn, will you?”

  “Well, well, Jordan. Why hold back?” Ash sauntered over, and Drew winced at the harsh planes of Ash’s handsome face. Where moments before he’d been relaxed and carefree, now his eyes flashed steel and his mouth had hardened to granite. “Let everyone know how you really feel about me.” Glowering, he folded his arms. Drew didn’t want this to descend into a shouting match between the two men.

  Keith stood next to Jordan, as usual, trying to calm him down, his hand caressing the nape of Jordan’s neck. This time, however, Jordan wouldn’t be denied his say.

  “Don’t tell me not to care when I see my friend making a mistake. Especially after the last one he made.” He looked around the room, pushing Keith’s hand away. “Doesn’t anyone else see how wrong this whole situation is?”

  Drew’s voice rose, uncharacteristically loud. “I’ve already told you my life is not yours or anyone else’s to run or control. Leave my personal life alone, or leave. Period.”

  The room fell silent. Drew could hear Mike asking Rachel what had happened, but she shushed him. Jordan’s laugh rang uneasily. “Don’t be ridiculous. We’re best friends. You wouldn’t choose him over our friendship of thirty years.”

  He loved Jordan like a brother, but Drew couldn’t take his pushy manipulation any longer. “It’s not me choosing him. You’re forcing my hand. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me anymore.”

  “I didn’t say anything when you married Jackie, even though I knew she was wrong for you, and now look where you are. Divorced after not even a year. Maybe if I’d spoken up, you wouldn’t be here today, throwing a party to celebrate a failed marriage.”

  Rachel’s gasp filled the room. If a knife flayed open his chest, Drew wouldn’t have felt as much pain. He’d always known his friend’s arrogance and opinionated nature didn’t win him many popularity contests, but he’d thought it was done out of love. After hearing those hurtful words, Drew now questioned the very foundation of their thirty-year friendship.

  “I don’t owe you or anyone here explanations for what takes place in my life. Like I said. You don’t like it; you know where the door is.” He stood face-to-face with Jordan, watching his eyes widen with shock.

  Ash’s hand came down on his shoulder, heavy yet comforting. “Don’t make snap judgments. Being the oldest in the group, he feels protective.” Ash’s hand gave a quick squeeze. “Strangely enough, I can understand that.”

  As the oldest and self-appointed protector of his foster brothers, Ash would understand Jordan’s position. It made sense that he could relate. All Drew wanted was for his family to get along together, but Ash was his lover, and he would defend him to his friends and family.

  “Are we good, Jordan? Please?” Drew didn’t want to fight. For the first time since he could remember, his life seemed to be going smoothly. He had no desire to see a ripple in the water disturb his fragile peace. “Come on, man.”

  Keith leaned over and murmured in Jordan’s ear. Whatever he said turned the tide as Jordan relaxed into Keith’s embrace. “I’ll accept it, but I don’t have to like it. However”—he put up his hand—“I won’t sabotage you, Davis. My concern is Drew. If you hurt him, disappear before I find you.” He stalked off.

  At that moment Peter and his wife walked in, and the tension in the room eased as they greeted his grandmother. Ash left their group to greet his friends, and Drew followed his progress across the room.

  “You really care about him, don’t you?”

  No use in hiding the truth. Keith’s question brought a smile to Drew’s lips.

  “Yeah. You all don’t know him because you only see his public face. There’s so much more to him that you can’t imagine, but it isn’t my story to tell.”

  “You’re in love with him.”

  Drew stiffened at Keith’s words. “Are you planning on giving me as hard a time as Jordan? If so, then please don’t say anything else.”

  “No. But let me give you a piece of advice.”

  Drew faced him. “Yes?”

  “Don’t wait for the right time or a special moment, if that’s what you’re doing. Believe me, I know better than anyone, being a cop. I could leave one morning and never come home.” For a moment wetness glimmered in his eyes. “The regrets some people live with are crushing. It may sound clichéd, but I don’t ever take what I have with Jordan for granted, because I know how easily it can all disappear.” With that, Keith left Drew’s side and slipped his arms around Jordan’s waist, kissing the top of his head.

  Tonight, Drew thought.

  By this time, Rachel and Mike had joined him. “I know you say you’re together now, but you were never interested in men before. And, your willingness to throw away a lifetime of friendship isn’t the brother I’ve known all my life. Since you met Ash, you’re like a different person. In spite of our talk, I still don’t understand.” The confusion and concern in Rachel’s face clouded her eyes and caused a furrow in her normally smooth brow. “And don’t think I’m still not concerned about Ash’s reputation. I kind of get where Jordan’s coming from.”

  “Will you excuse us, please?” Drew took his sister’s arm and steered her toward his bedroom, where he sat on the bed and indicated she should do the same. He rubbed his hands on his thighs, warming himself up for this talk. To know she’d come through her darkness, a strong secure woman, with so much love to give and receive, was all the knowledge he needed to decide his own life had been put on hold long enough.

  “Look, you know we’ve never been ones to place a label on anyone. When you experimented in college and introduced me to your girlfriend, I didn’t care. As long as you were happy.”

  Rachel’s lip curved in a small smile. “Yeah, Samantha was fun to be with, but we never took it seriously. It was about finding our way, and sex was a part of it.”

  One thing Drew had been curious about. “Have you told Mike you were with a woman for a few months?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. And typical man, he got all excited and wanted to know if we’d taken any pictures. Honestly, sometimes you men are such pigs.” She laughed, but the nervous winding of her necklace around her fingers indicated she still had concerns.

  “Good, because you don’t want secrets. Ash and I don’t have secrets either. He knows me, Rach. Really knows me. I think he knows me better than I know myself.”

  “But when did you realize yo
u were bisexual?” Her color rose. “You’re obviously sleeping with each other, but you’ve never done that with a guy before. Right?” Her green eyes held his, but there was no condemnation in her regard. Merely curiosity and love.

  “Look, there are things I’ve never spoken of because, well, it was personal to me. So it isn’t that I’ve never been with another man; this has nothing to do with sex. It’s that I couldn’t be with anyone else but Ash. He’s the difference here, not my sexuality. There’s something about him that brings me peace. He’s taken away my loneliness.”

  “Was it that bad?”

  “Yeah.” He pushed the hair away from his face. “I blamed myself for Mom and Dad’s death. If I hadn’t been such a baby, so afraid to be by myself, I wouldn’t have needed them to come up that weekend to hold my hand and tell me everything would be all right. They died because I was afraid to live my life. And for years afterward, I let Jordan and you guys push me in whatever direction you thought was right for me, without ever questioning what I wanted.”

  Tears trickled down her cheeks. “I didn’t mean to do it. It’s only because I love you and want the best for you.”

  With the pad of his thumb, he swiped at her cheeks. “I know. And the one time I asserted myself I married Jackie, and look where that got me.”

  She sniffled but smiled through her tears. “Yeah. But, it found you Ash. You know I’m a great believer in fate. Maybe you needed that mistake to lead you in the direction you were always meant to be.”

  God, he loved her. Every day was such a precious gift. He couldn’t imagine life without her. “I love you. And maybe you’re right, but I’m still finding my way.”

  “Well, if you want my opinion—”

  He clapped a hand over her mouth. “I know you mean well, but it’s time now for me to do it my way with all the bumps and bruises that may come along with it. Do you understand?”