Safe With You: Winter's Rose #1

by Lizzie James

  “How is Charlie doing?” James asked, looking past me at the stairs to the apartment.

  “She’s okay,” I responded automatically. “She’s resting.” The lie came so easily from my mouth.

  He stared at me for a moment before he nodded his head. He didn’t believe me. He knew when I was lying, but I didn’t really know what else to say.

  “How are you?” I asked.

  “Meh.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I have my days—days where I can’t function without looking at her photograph; days where I can smell her perfume all around me. Nights are sometimes the worst.”

  “You loved her,” I stated.

  “No.” He reached for a glass, cleaning it before placing it on the shelf behind him.

  “Maybe. I was getting there; I can’t lie about that.” He blew out a breath. “But she never loved me. We,” he said, emphasising the word, “never let it get that far.”

  “You wanted to, though. Didn’t you?” I asked bluntly.

  “I did. She was beautiful and we understood each other but she…” A small smile graced his face, and I knew his thoughts were lost in a memory with Addie. “Addie wanted to live and experience the world. She never wanted to be tied down. She was too much of a free spirit for that.”

  I nodded, not really knowing what else to say.

  “I didn’t love Addie the way that you and Charlie love each other.” He leaned his elbow on the bar, resting his weight on it before he spoke again. “So, how is Charlie?” he asked in a firm tone.

  I placed a box of crisps down on the floor beneath the counter before I walked away. I grabbed a stool opposite him from the customer’s side of the bar. “She’s not good, man. Sometimes she’s with me but most of the time…” I could feel my voice shaking. “The only time she’s my Charlie again is when we talk about the baby.”

  “Do you still have the ring?” he asked.

  “Yes.” I picked a drink mat up and began ripping the corners of it apart. “I’ve decided to take it to a pawn shop later.”

  “Are you guys…” He looked at me in shock before he continued. “Are you going to end things?”

  “No!” I snapped. I took a breath, attempting to calm my nerves a little. “It’s just not the time.” I hated the sorrow I could see reflected back at me. “I’m getting to the point where I feel like David won, James.” I tossed the mat back on the bar before sliding off my stool. “David won this game.” I walked past the bar and took the steps two at a time. I had gotten into the obsessive habit of checking on her every hour.

  Since that fateful day, I’d had the same recurring dream. I dreamt that I would arrive to find Charlie and Addie, both dead on the floor of the unit with a knife protruding from Charlie’s pregnant stomach. The image always left me feeling cold, and I was lucky to get a few hours of sleep a night. The rest of my night would be spent watching her sleep.

  Last week, James and I had decorated the nursery. We had cleared a room I’d been using to hold items for the bar downstairs and had decorated it. It was Dumbo-themed because it had been Charlie’s favourite film as a little girl and we felt it matched for either a boy or a girl.

  I walked towards it and froze at the door when I heard movement inside. I looked through the gap of the door and saw Charlie. It was the first time I had seen her in there. I heard her sniffling and it broke my fucking heart. It broke me because she always hid her tears from me. If I came into the room, she’d stop crying. If it was the middle of the night and she knew I was awake, she’d go to the bathroom. I hated that she was so afraid to cry in front of me.

  I watched as she walked to the rocking chair her mother had bought for us. It was an oak chair with a high back. It was beautiful and I knew that Charlie or I were going to spend many evenings there rocking our child.

  “Hi baby,” she whispered.

  I tensed, thinking that she’d seen me but before I could move, she began talking again.

  “I thought it was time that we had a chat.”

  I leaned my head back against the wall, not wanting to invade on this moment between mother and child but still needing to be here to hear it.

  “I haven’t been a very good mummy lately.”

  I heard movement and imagined her rubbing her hands over her stomach.

  “This is your nursery. Your daddy and uncle James decorated it for you.” A pause. “They can’t wait to meet you. Especially your daddy.”

  I looked across the room and saw a picture of Addie and Charlie sitting on a shelf. They looked so happy.

  “Your auntie Addie…” She paused before a small sob left her. “Your auntie Addie isn’t here. She was going to spoil you rotten but she…” She took a deep breath before blowing it out. “She’s not here, and I really don’t know how to do any of this without her.”

  I hated the sting of rejection I felt at her words. I felt like I had lost her before but listening to her talk like that, I realised that for the first time, she herself sounded lost.

  I stood and quietly walked out of the apartment, leaving her alone. I went back downstairs and walked past James, ignoring the look on his face.

  “Let me borrow your car.” I held my hand up and waited for him to toss the keys to me.

  “Where are you going?” James called as he threw the keys at me.

  “Out,” I replied.

  I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself any further. James knew me well enough to know when there was something seriously wrong and to leave me to it. The way I was feeling right now, time away from here was the best thing for me. I needed to get away from here to calm myself down. If I stayed, I’d end up losing my temper and would probably end up shouting at the one person that I had come to be unable to live without.

  I walked outside, and after unlocking the car, I climbed inside and drove away from the building. I’d always known that she had the power to break me, but I’d never imagined that it would be like this. I never imagined it would be happening during what should have been the happiest time of our lives. In a perfect world, she should have a ring on her finger and we should have been getting ready to merge our lives together. Instead, I was losing her and I had no fucking clue how to fix this.

  After stopping off at a shop to pick up some flowers, I continued driving for another hour until I was arriving at Highgate Cemetery. We had laid Addie to rest there several weeks ago. A beautiful spot had been picked out for her right beneath an oak tree.

  “Hi, Adds.” I placed the roses on the floor for her before I kneeled down and settled next to her grave. I stared at the dates on her gravestone and it made me angry. She was too damn fucking young to be laying here.

  “I’m sorry that we haven’t been by.” I stared at the lillies lying next to the roses, knowing it was James who had brought them. “Things have been a little tough.” I blew out an agitated breath before continuing. “I think I’m losing her, Addie.” My fists tensed in my lap, and I hated it. “If you were here, I know you’d be able to fix this. I don’t know what I need to do here.” I looked across the greenery. It was so quiet here and I hoped that she was resting peacefully. “I don’t know what to do.”

  I stared at her name for a little longer and shook myself off and stood. I placed my hand over the letters of her name before I broke. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, Addie.” I walked away, unable to stay any longer. I rubbed my fingers across my cheek, wiping the wetness away. “Goodbye, Addie.”

  31

  Charlie

  I stood at the window, watching as Alex drove away. His shoulders were tense and he looked so angry. I knew it was probably with me. I knew he was most likely growing agitated with me for not speaking to him. I wanted to speak to him. I wanted to break in front of him and have him put me back together but I knew if I did that, he would see the ugly parts inside of me.

  I was scared that if he saw the parts I wanted to hide from the world, he wouldn’t want me anymore. I was scared that if he saw how selfish I was at being r
elieved that I was still here—me and my baby—that he would be just as disgusted with me as I was with myself.

  I turned away and walked to the sofa. I placed my hand on the armrest and used it to slowly lower myself down. This bump just seemed to be getting bigger by the day.

  The door to the apartment slowly opened before James walked in. “Can I come in?” he asked.

  “Of course.” I gave him a smile, not needing another man to worry about me.

  “I brought chocolate.” He held it out to me, giving me a grin when I took it. “I left Scott downstairs so that we could hang out.”

  “You don’t need to babysit me.” I placed the bar on top of my bump, chuckling when it wobbled at the force of the baby’s kick. “The company is nice, though.”

  He looked past me, his eyes going to the side. He was looking at the photo of Addie and me.

  “I miss her,” he whispered.

  “Me too.” I picked the bar of chocolate up and placed it on the arm of the sofa. “Every day.”

  “She wouldn’t want this,” he said, turning his gaze back to mine. “She wouldn’t.”

  “Wouldn’t want what?” I asked.

  “This.” He waved his hand at me. “You. Like this.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Can I show you something?”

  “Sure.” I nodded my head, curious about what he wanted to show me.

  He got up and walked past me, disappearing into mine and Alex’s bedroom.

  What the hell was he doing?!

  Before I could say anything, he was coming back and taking his seat opposite me. “I want you to know that I will get my fucking arse kicked by him when I show you this.”

  “What is it?” I asked. I was scared and confused. What could be so bad that would make Alex want to hide it from me? We shared everything. At least, I thought that we did.

  “I understand,” I whispered.

  He stared at me a moment longer before he stood up and dipped his hand into his jeans pocket, tossing an item next to me.

  I watched as it bounced on the sofa. I couldn’t hide the shock that I was a feeling. It was a ring box. There was only one type of ring that he would want to keep hidden from me.

  “He was going to propose to you before all of this happened.” He looked at me with sympathy. “He, uh…” He hesitated, looking away from me.

  “He what?” I asked. I needed to know what he wanted to say. I needed him to be honest with me.

  “He thinks he’s losing you.” He linked his hands together, keeping his eyes on me. “He thinks you don’t want to be here with him anymore. You don’t seem happy for the little life that is about to join you.”

  “Don’t say that!” I couldn’t stop the tears leaking from my eyes. “I want to be here. I do.” I looked away from him, wiping my face. “I just don’t know how to do this.” I choked back a sob, feeling my chest tighten. “I—I don’t know how to do this without her.” I was all but wailing, and I knew I was scaring him.

  “Hey. Hey.” He slid onto his knees in front of me, grasping my hands. “Calm down. It’s okay.” He rubbed his thumbs along my knuckles, reminding me so much of his brother.

  “I love my baby. I do.” He had to believe me. “I lost her!” I put my hand over my mouth, trying to stop the sobs. “I told her to go. I saw her fall and I…” I covered my face with my hands. “And I couldn’t catch her in time!”

  The cushions dipped next to me as James wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. He rocked us from side to side for a few minutes, trying to comfort me.

  My tears slowly dried and the sobs eased. His rocking was lulling me into a calmness. “I can’t lose him, James,” I whispered. “I lost Addie and I can’t lose Alex.”

  He rested his chin on top of my head before I felt his chest move. “We need to do better, Charlie.” Now he sounded sad. “I’ve been okay-ish in the day but sometimes, in the night, I struggle.” He rested his cheek against my hair. “She wouldn’t want this, though, Charlie. She wouldn’t want us struggling to go on.”

  “I know.” I rested my hand on his chest, appreciating him more in that moment than I thought was possible.

  “She was a hero. She gave her life for you and that little one.” He gently tapped my stomach. “We need to go on and show her what she gave her life for.” He looked down at me, drawing my gaze. “We need to find a way to live our lives as though she were still with us.”

  I nodded my head and rested it back in its spot on his chest. Several moments of silence passed before I spoke again.

  “I love you, James.” I didn’t expect a response but of course I got one.

  “I know.” He sounded a little cocky and it made me chuckle.

  We rested there for several more moments before we were disturbed by the door opening behind us.

  “Hey. What’s going on?” Alex stood at the door, giving us a small smile.

  It was a fake smile. It didn’t reach his eyes and it didn’t set me aflame like his smiles normally did.

  “Nothing, man. Just hanging out.” He patted my hand that was resting on my bump as he stood up. He widened his eyes at me and sneakily handed me the ring box before he walked towards Alex. “Take it easy on her, man,” he whispered. He patted him on the shoulder before he slipped past him, out the door.

  “Hi.” I looked over at him, hating how exhausted he looked. It hadn’t been easy on him. I stretched my arm out to him, beckoning him closer. “Come and sit with me.” I placed the ring box in the pocket of my cardigan.

  He came over and took the seat that James had vacated. “You’ve been crying.” He reached over and stroked his thumb beneath my eye.

  “Yes.” I looked down before turning my body to face him a little. I grabbed his hand and placed it over my bump. “I’m sorry I’ve been difficult.”

  “You haven’t been difficult,” he said, shaking his head. “You have been grieving.”

  “I’ve been lost,” I whispered, finally admitting the truth. “Since she left, she… I…”

  “She didn’t leave you, darling.”

  “I know.” I nodded my head, trying to agree. “I know that she didn’t mean to leave, but it feels like she left me.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I’m having a baby and it’s scary and…” I could feel a sob building. “I needed my best friend to go through this with me and she’s not here…”

  “You have me,” he whispered. His eyes reflected tears back at me before he began to rub his thumb along the back of my hand.

  “I know.”

  “I went to see her today,” he admitted.

  “Addie?” I looked at him in shock. “You went to her grave?”

  “Yeah.” He gave me a crooked smile. “I took roses for her.”

  “Alex.” I was an emotional wreck to begin with, but picturing him taking her flowers and talking to her… It killed me inside.

  “I needed someone to talk to. Someone who loves you just as much as I do.”

  I reached over and stroked my thumb along his cheekbone. “It means a lot that you went there.”

  “I owe her everything, Charlie. She saved my reason for living.” He sniffed, shaking his head to clear it. “I’ll be grateful to her until the day that I die for her sacrifice.”

  I took his hands and brought them back to my bump. “Maybe she’s still with us,” I whispered.

  We both looked down at my bump before meeting each other’s eyes. A smile passed between us and I knew we were both imagining a little girl.

  “Maybe,” he whispered. “How was James?” he asked, his eyes drifting to the closed door of his apartment.

  “He’ll be okay,” I whispered. “He told me that we need to live for her.”

  His chocolate brown eyes gazed into mine.

  “He also showed me something,” I whispered.

  He frowned at me for a second before he spoke. “What did he show you?”

  “This.” I pulled my hand away and dipped it into the po
cket of my cardigan. I grabbed the box and reached over, placing it into his open palm.

  He looked at it in shock before he looked back up to my eyes. “Uh…” He chuckled. “Wow, this isn’t how I imagined doing it.”

  We both laughed at his words before I spoke. “Then do it how you imagined doing it.”

  “You’re not ready.” He shook his head at me. “You need time and I –”

  “The one thing I have learned, Alex,” I said, interrupting him, “is that time is the one thing we don’t have.” I shook my head sadly. “Addie was twenty-seven years old. What does that say about time? We have one life, and I think it is time that we started living it. For you. For me. For Addie and for whatever special person is growing inside of me.”

  “You’re serious.” He looked so surprised at my words.

  “I am.” I stroked my fingers down the side of his face. “It’s like James said: we need to start living and give Addie happy moments to look down at.”

  He nodded before he slid off the sofa and fell down on one knee. “Miss Charlotte Chase.” He reached for my hand, squeezing my fingers. “I promise to love, cherish and adore you until the day I die. I will be here for all the scary moments and all of the happy ones. I have waited a long time for you, and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and only you.” He smiled at me, a full, megawatt, beaming smile. “Charlie, will you do me the honour of being the love of my life, my soulmate, my wife?” He opened the box and I gasped as the beautiful diamond stone twinkled up at me. His words were beautiful, but as I saw his hand shake, I knew his nerves were most likely all tangled up inside.

  “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes!” I held my hand out for him, laughing when his head slumped back on his shoulders in extreme relief.

  He slid the ring on to my finger where it fit perfectly before he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. He took the seat back at my side and placed his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in to his side.

  “I’m glad that’s over.”