Simon tied a red plastic pull string from the opening of a Dentyne gum package on the ring finger of her left hand. He spoke of marriage and wanting to be together for the rest of their lives. Nia felt blissfully overwhelmed. It was late, and it had been quite the evening in Bellevue Park. They’d spent most of the evening in his parent’s car, headlights off, overlooking the other side from the Michigan sister city. Nia was obviously ruffled and flushed from necking. As the car pulled into her dirt driveway, she carefully removed the red plastic tie ring and placed it in her wallet before sneaking into her grandmother’s house.
Nia lacked the life skills and emotional maturity to recognize the unachievable expectations involved with a relationship with Simon. She grappled with fear of disapproval.
Fear of disapproval from his father was Simon’s own Achilles’ tendon. His only life tool to stabilize himself and Nia was control, and he did this quite masterfully by the consequence of his piercing silent anger.
Nia first endured this crippling anger early one Saturday evening when they were supposed to meet to go to an eight o’clock movie downtown. His plan was for Nia to get off the bus at the stop closest to his house. She was supposed to walk over and meet him there. As the bus got close to her planned stop, Nia felt awkward and uncomfortable, knowing she would be interrupting their family dinner. She decided to go downtown and meet up with him in front of the movie theatre later. Nia waited dutifully in front of the theatre, and Simon finally arrived. Never before had Nia witnessed such silent rage, let alone it being targeted directly at her. There was absolutely no room for variation from his plan; regimented follow-through was the order, rather than any fluidity. The consequence was so extreme that Nia should’ve had the security and need for self-preservation to abandon any further relationship with that insecure, control-hungry young man. However, the opposite transpired. Nia demonstrated remorse, submission, and willingness to realign her actions rather than apply common sense toward establishing healthy boundaries and mutual respect.
Nia confused love with obedience. If she obeyed, her reward would be conditional affection, which really was masking the selfish need for his own acceptance and sexual interests. Nia quickly learned that her dutiful behaviour could elicit qualification, and it was the price of admission to this illusion of love and security that she desperately sought. She confused her attachment to Simon with love for him.
Simon saw Nia’s appeasement and the wrapping of herself around his little finger as confirmation that she could conform. He saw that Nia could rid herself of the life she knew and replace it with the right way to live (his way). Her emotional immaturity, along with an unstable, chaotic home life, made anything else seem desirable. Nia’s insecurities made her an easy catch for the emotional gratification of one needing to possess another.
Given that Nia was raised with the Catholic teaching of sex being only for procreation and anything else was considered unholy fornication, she had great difficulty honouring Simon’s different approach, which seemed to be completely opposite. Nia’s grandmother, Adele, appeared to essentially be asexual following her fulfillment of her duty in that regard. She shed anything womanly—sexual or otherwise—and even appeared masculine in her features, including the long white facial hairs that she seemed oblivious to.
Nia saw her other grandmother, Etta, similarly and believed she was quite content without sexual relations with her husband once they’d produced a child—Nia’s father. While Nia knew her grandfather adored his wife, she was aware Etta would rebuff any of his overt affectionate gestures. Both of these women conveyed the same message to their husbands: their “duty” to engage in the unpleasantness of the sexual act had been fulfilled by giving birth, thus fulfilling God’s expectations as well. The impression Nia got from both women was that sexual encounters were unpleasant, embarrassing, and painful. The coping strategy both Nia’s grandmothers used was emotional detachment and passive submission to the sexual requirement to get pregnant. Even the word “pregnant” was considered socially unacceptable in polite conversation.
When Monique learned of Nia’s relationship, she repeated the direct message: “He is not Catholic!” “Don’t even think you can come home pregnant.” Her mother’s rants gave Nia the consistent, without-a-doubt message, not to get pregnant. Sex was, therefore, a bad thing and a definite sin out of marriage. Of all of the Catholic teaching, this is the one Nia took most seriously. Virginity of mind, body, and spirit was the path Nia wanted to take. However, she was in a constant emotional battle with her beliefs and the demands of her boyfriend.
And so went the remainder of Nia’s year at the farm. Adele’s health deteriorated, and she finally had to go into “the old age home.”
Just past her sixteenth birthday, Nia returned to living at home. She and Simon quickly established a weekend dating regime, which, of course, included intimacy. Nia continued to desire their lovemaking to be in small incremental amounts.
Simon’s private collection of Playboy magazines influenced his attitude toward sex. Women needed to be responsive and submissive, never questioning their role to be physically beautiful, adoring, and readily willing to comply. Yet any sexual assertiveness on Nia’s part would’ve been regarded as reprehensible and undermined her intension to be Simon’s wife and mother to his children. As a result, their premarital sexual balancing act was conflicting, not mutually progressive as young lovers ought to be.
Remorse and self-loathing would set in. Nia would beat herself up with this sexual dilemma between the requirement of her religion’s sexual abstinence and Simon’s sexual needs. The fight was furiously fought, however, with the loser always being Nia’s self-worth. Nia only knew self-compromise. Had her older sister taught her nothing? Lily was a master at getting what she wanted. Unlike her sister, Nia consistently met Simon Windsor’s expectations like cellophane wrap. Nia lost herself in her attempt to wrap around his and his family’s life.
Chapter 23
Nia Goes to University
Simon had already been at The University of Western Ontario for two years, becoming successful in his pursuits of mathematics, physics, chemistry, and quantum mechanics, ensuring he qualified to get into Engineering school.
Education was the real qualifier of their relationship’s sustainability; it was a prerequisite to be accepted into a prestigious Canadian university and be exemplary at the task. This expectation horrified Nia, as she felt she would never measure up academically to Simon’s mother’s expectations.
Nia forced herself to dig in. Her life became regimented around obsessive studying, and if she wasn’t studying, she was fretting about not studying. The craziness of her unrelenting mission paid off, though. Nia graduated high school as an Ontario Scholar, plus received a scholarship from Brescia at the University of Western Ontario for her first year.
The only good part about this award for Monique was that her daughter would be living in and attending a Catholic academic community. This dream, for a least one of her children, had finally come to reality. (Although she would have settled for both daughters attending Nursing School at Sault College, as Lily was already deep into her first clinical rotation.) This was the only reason Monique agreed to let Nia leave her home for the university in London, Ontario.
Nia loved the old stateliness of Brescia. She loved the fancy parlours on the main level, the cleanliness, and the quality of each refined and polished piece of furniture—a lifestyle that was foreign to such a stray. Nia began to feel a slight bit of privilege that she worked hard to achieve.
The Ursuline Sisters were an order of nuns whose purpose was to serve God through education. Living among fifty nuns delighted Nia; she had no idea they would give her a sense of security and belonging. Nia was a “Brescia Babe” and loved it.
Orientation week was full of surprises: from a kissing extravaganza with the young men from Huron College and the panty raid from the young men from Sydenham Hall.
Simon was taken aback by Nia’s kee
n participation in the orientation week’s agenda for the Brescia Babes and curtailed the enjoyment by calling it ridiculous and stupid. These offensive remarks quickly realigned Nia back to her submissive role.
Given the frivolity of the first week, the second week of actually attending the classes gobsmacked Nia into an invisible, lost soul from Sault Ste. Marie. From the buildings of the campus to the lecture halls, everything was oversized and overwhelming. Nia could feel the constriction of her every fibre. The result was paralytic fear caused by the realization of the true test and ultimatum for measuring up. It felt like the pouring of the cement for the foundation of the codependency with Simon.
The first semester almost defeated her. Nia would collect-call home to speak with her dad every night, asking him if she should abandon ship. Flynn, in his wisdom, refused to let her come home. What then felt like desertion from her father turned out to be a pivotal gift of direction. It was only after the midterm exams that Nia felt she could doggie paddle in the academic sea of exams. Her survival necessitated a life of devotion to study. Intense fear was the pervasive motivator to succeed.
Nia was grateful that Brescia Hall was on the outskirts of the huge campus. Within the walls, she felt a slim sense of nurturing. Nia’s roommate, Yvette, was a recluse and thus felt a kindred spirit in keeping the chaos of the rowdy Caribbean girls away from their room for them to study.
In November of the first year, Yvette invited Nia to her home for a weekend, where Nia experienced the inner workings of a strict Catholic home for the first time. Yvette came from a traditional Hungarian family living in another waterway locks city, Welland. Her father was one of the last residential milk delivery men. Her paternal grandmother dressed in all black, from her kerchief on her head to the toes of her laced up frumpy shoes, and lived with Yvette’s family. Her role was to make a pot of soup every day for the evening meal (as well, to keep the fear of the Catholic God alive and well in their humble home).
Monique was thrilled that Nia was getting an extensive indoctrination into Catholicism with her university experience. She was convinced it was divine intervention taking place for her second daughter.
Nia’s first year of her Bachelor of Science degree was completed in what felt to her like a blink of an eye. Her obsession with studying earned her a place on the Dean’s Honour List and entitled her to more financial grants to pursue her academic life.
For her second year, Nia aimed big; she applied to medical school. Her life of poverty and insecurity fuelled her need to establish a profession that would be rewarding personally and keep the cupboards and the bank account abundant. It was a challenging school to get accepted into—hundreds applied for only forty-five positions. It was Nia’s merciless study regime and her ninety-seven percent average that secured her one of the spots.
Medical school was gruelling, especially the human anatomy dissection class.
All dressed up in her new white lab coat and armed with her shiny new dissection tools, she entered the anatomy lab. The pungent smell of formaldehyde greeted Nia as she stepped inside the huge, windowless lab with body bags on individual waist-high cement platforms lining the room. Each student was assigned a number, which designated the student’s place and the corresponding body bag.
Nia moved to her assigned number seventeen platform and somewhat anxiously awaited instruction. As the anatomy professor, Dr. Armstrong, entered, Nia internally fanned herself. He was one of the most attractive men Nia had ever seen. That gorgeous specimen was exactly the distraction from the grim but fundamental learning experience that would take place two times a week for the duration of the school year.
The anxiety in the room was palpable. Nia realized she had to be strong; from every fibre she stood firm in her stature, fighting off the urge to flee the stench and the academic expectations.
Before the students would be allowed to open the bags, Dr. Armstrong spent a great deal of time explaining the overall goal of the class. He spoke about how foundational the authentic anatomical learning of each muscle, tendon, ligament, joint, bone, nerve, and blood vessel was the very basis of the profession.
Dr. Armstrong emphasized the hard truth of his class as his preliminary statements and then progressed into the humanity of the course. He identified that each of the bodies must be regarded with reverence and dignity. The individuals volunteered their bodies to science and must be treated as a gift to education.
Nia needed that to give her an anchor in her state of feeling totally overwhelmed.
When it was time to unzip the grey body bag, Nia was aware of her quivering hand as she pulled on the zipper. Death and bodies had not been part of her life experience; she’d never touched a dead person before. Inside was a white-haired, extremely thin Caucasian female. The card inside stated the cause of death—lung cancer at sixty-three years of age— and had a ten-digit reference number.
After an honourable length of time, Dr. Armstrong suggested to the class that they might consider naming their cadaver to maintain respectable regard for the more than generous donation of their bodies. Nia thought that was an excellent idea and named her cadaver Annie.
After a brief pause, the dissection commenced. The first incision was predictably the most challenging. “Cut longitudinally down the sternum from the jugular notch to the xiphisternal junction.” Nia took a deep breath of the pungent air and made her first attempt. Her very light touch of the fermented skin made only a scratch. After several attempts, the scalpel penetrated the toughened skin and negligible subcutaneous tissue. The next task was to peel the skin and subcutaneous tissues from the pectoral muscles.
Nia was relieved when the class was winding up. She cleaned up her instruments and folded up her lab coat in her assigned basket, realizing it was not a good idea to stuff the already smeared and smelly front panel of the lab coat with bodily tissues into the basket. What were her options? Nia realized she had had enough and wanted out. She stuffed the lab coat and headed for the door to the hallway for the long walk through multiple corridors till she reached the outdoors.
While it was lunchtime, Nia wasn’t her usual famished self. She knew her hands were scrubbed clean as she reached into her lunch bag to find her shaved roast beef sandwich and, without any forewarning, puked.
Chapter 24
Engaged
Nia entered into her third year of medical school after a trying start to her second—which did improve after that first day of anatomy class. She was determined to succeed and relied on her inherited courage and resilience to soldier through it. She had moved off campus into a two-bedroom apartment only three kilometres from the University. Her roommate was an equally studious medical student. Simon lived in an apartment in a different high rise but within the same complex. The dynamics of their relationship were starting to change; Nia was more self-reliant and spent less time with Simon.
It was brand new for Nia to feel the subtle expansion of her wings. It had taken a long time, but she’d figured out how to roll and succeed in the realm of academia and university lifestyle. The days of fear of failure and emotional dependency on Simon for survival had diminished. As her growth in self-confidence was germinating, his control over her proportionally declined.
The new Nia didn’t cling to him, which caused Simon great uneasiness; his fundamental requirements were being challenged and depleted. A dramatic correction occurred with a jolt of four little words: “Will you marry me?”
One Sunday morning in late September, Simon sprung the question seemingly out of nowhere, taking Nia by complete surprise. She awoke as usual on the weekends in his bed, thinking of what had to be studied that day and preparing to head to the Faculty of Medicine study hall on the main campus.
That simple question was completely successful in caving Nia’s recent developments of self-confidence and self-worth. The newly woven threads of self-discovery and sufficiency were disregarded in an instant with the responding word of “yes.” After a small discussion of timing for the u
nion, Simon called Nia’s father to ask for her hand in marriage. Flynn could feel reluctance in his heart when he said “yes” after his own fateful experience of asking for Monique’s hand in marriage. He could still see the faces of the angry French cabbage farmers. Monique had figured out what was going on when Simon asked to speak to Flynn. When she heard Flynn say “yes,” she was (just like her mother had been) pissed off. The path of mortal sin was once again rearing its ugly head; Monique’s feelings of anger rather than happiness with the engagement were expected.
Despite knowing her mother’s reaction, Nia felt like celebrating and cancelled her study plans to spend the rest of the day in the arms of her soon-to-be husband.
The excitement carried forward through the following weekend. Simon and Nia visited Nash’s jewelry store on Dundas Street downtown. Together, they chose an exquisite engagement ring, unique with the centre stone being a deep blue sapphire and ten small diamonds surrounding the main stone. Nia absolutely loved the ring. Simon had been saving his Physics Lab Teacher Assistant money for over a year to buy it. As Simon placed it on her finger, the look he gave her was one of sincere love and devotion, which she believed unequivocally would last forever.
Later that evening, they discussed their future as being married students at Western before Nia would start working as a physician. Simon would hopefully be in engineering school. They had a plan, but the design, implementation, and quality control were masterminded unilaterally by Simon. And so was the essence of their love structure. Like the design of a bridge, there was no room for variation or error, or else it would collapse. He decided the two would marry ten months after the engagement on July 30, 1976.
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