Of course, there was the idealistic role model which all of Simon’s clan revered as the perfect matriarch—his mother. She was the yardstick to which Nia would be measured. Simon’s mother could cook the picture-perfect meal, keep the house in the epitome of cleanliness and order, and make the perfect bed (with the bed covers so straight and tight that Simon’s father would show great delight in bouncing quarters off the bed). She knew how to press the perfect shirt, darn the socks, knit the sweaters, plus she also worked full time as an administrator in the old folks home on the highway.
Every day, Nia felt she had to measure up, to be just like his mother, to qualify for his favourable loving for that day. Simon’s unequivocal expectation was perfection, and Nia dutifully attempted to conform to her future husband’s expectations. She was holding on to the notion that when she married Simon, she’d find the anchor of security that was lacking within her own family. Nia tried to fit within his domain, but she was too naïve to see the inherent flaw in this marital path.
One of the high expectations (expressed through undertones and actions) was for Nia to downplay and essentially disconnect from her family. Simon held nothing back when criticizing her family as being “less than” in all regards. The expectation was essentially no contact. Simon was emphatic about her recreating herself in the mould of his mother, with only one element of difference; he expected Nia to fulfill all of his sexual desires.
Nia didn’t realize at the time, but all of Simon’s unrealistic and self-compromising expectations were just another form of her life’s experience of dysfunction and insecurity.
The tasks were endless, and her ultimate compliance required an evolving regime of tactical testing to acquire his daily approval. Only then would Nia be allowed the next twenty-four hours evaluation. Of course, there was great emphasis on the job of keeping her man well entertained between the sheets.
Chapter 25
Here Comes the Bride
Nia found herself reclaiming her childhood fantasies and endless hours of a make-believe fairy tale wedding with herself being the most beautiful bride. Her daydreams took her to the happy memory of watching Disney’s Cinderella movie with her sister, Lily.
One Christmas, Nana and Papa gave both girls the same beautiful bride dolls. Nia’s beloved bride doll possessed the key to the portal of her seven-year-old self’s most vivid imagination. She savoured the wonderful experience of reliving the splendour of Cinderella being the bride and dancing with her prince. Oh, how she loved that doll right down to every tiny detail. Each part of her dress was a visual and tactile delight. Nia loved to twirl the doll in the white satin gown with a full crinoline underneath and an overlay of lace with translucent sequins twirl and sparkle. A large satin bow adorned the back of the dress, with trailing ribbons underneath the long cathedral veil. The doll’s head was crowned with an exquisite diamond tiara, and diamond and pearl earrings decorated her ears. On top of the lace glove, the doll had a large diamond ring on her left ring finger. Underneath the luxurious dress, she wore lovely white lingerie with blue garters holding up the thigh-high white silk stockings while diamond and crystal high-heeled shoes adorned the doll’s petite feet. Nia truly loved her bride doll—it was her most treasured toy—that provided her with hours and hours of pleasure as she explored her child-like fantasies of being a bride.
In her recollections of the delight she took in her childhood play with the toy, Nia’s serene smile gave way to furrowed brows when she realized she never named her bride doll. She tried not to dwell on that for too long; her features softened again when she shifted back to thoughts of her dream wedding. Suddenly, a feeling of shock came upon her when she noticed the Prince Charming in her daydream memory wasn’t Simon. This realization appeared almost like a sign or a warning. Was Simon not her Prince Charming? In response, Nia quickly shut down the visuals in her trip down memory lane and refocused her thoughts on her reality.
Nia’s thoughts shifted to her much anticipated, beautiful wedding gown. Patricia, her high school friend, was studying fashion design at Ryerson College in Toronto and had what Nia perceived as the epitome of fashion sense. Patricia helped Nia commission a senior fashion design student to draw some original wedding dress designs for her. Two weeks later, she was presented with several sketches. Without hesitation, Nia chose one with simple, demure elegance.
Nia’s third year of medical school required her to complete an internship. Nia’s roommate was in Toronto for her internship, leaving Nia to have the whole apartment to herself. This was the only time she’d ever lived alone. Nia quickly discovered that she loved the quiet, empty apartment, free from the demands to please anyone else.
Simon was busy back home, finalizing the wedding details. Nia was perfectly content to let that happen. She was pleasantly surprised at his earnestness to have the process roll-out (his way) perfectly.
Nia was lucky to get an intern position at University Hospital on the neuroscience floor. It was always heartwarming and memorable to be present in that first moment when a patient would open their eyes after cranial surgery. The trust each patient gave her made her proud in her chosen career path. She never took for granted the connection between doctor and patient. Sharing in those moments and early days of their recovery, and then to actually see them walk out of the front door with their family, reminded Nia that she loved her new profession. The work she did fundamentally mattered. Every day, she would go to her internship, excited to have the opportunity to make a difference for the patients and her health care team.
Nia was sad when her internship ended but felt she’d made a positive impression with the neurosciences medical team. A position in that department after graduation would’ve been perfect for Nia and their marriage. Now, if only Simon could get accepted into engineering school.
Nia returned home one month before the wedding. There wasn’t really anything for her to do since Simon had shouldered that responsibility. Patricia was busy sewing the gown, which was a truly unique design. The dress was ivory satin with a soft, high neckline that transitioned into a sheer ivory fabric, revealing only a hint of the tender young bosom beneath. The sleeves were long and made of the same sheer material that concealed the top of her chest. The full-length, A-line skirt was accented by a small ruffle of satin at the bottom. Cascading down the back, a line of twenty tiny, loop-holed covered buttons cinched the dress to Nia’s form. The headpiece had small ivory pearls outlining the Juliet cap with a cathedral-length veil trailing behind. The dress was magnificent, and Nia couldn’t believe it was hers, thanks to her wonderful friend, who had made it happen on a shoestring budget.
Simon chose an ivory tuxedo to match his bride. Their wedding was going to be all Nia had dreamed of as a little girl. She wanted to believe with all her heart that Simon was the man of her dreams and that their deep love would always carry them through life together.
On the wedding day, Nia was helped into her gorgeous gown by her mother, who appeared to be lost in thoughts of her own untraditional wedding. Nia was willing to share these moments with her mother, albeit vicariously. Once the final button on the back was fastened and the headpiece placed on top of her waist-length blonde hair, she felt like her reality reflected in the mirror was far better than any of her childhood dreams.
As she gazed into the mirror, Nia smiled at her reflection, pausing to absorb the moments of grandeur that she’d only imagined and believed she would never experience again. She truly felt radiant and fully accepting of all of her imperfections—her deformed but functional feet and the fact that she’d never have the striking face or figure of Lily.
Nia could feel her mother’s attempt at a sincere hug but wasn’t convinced of Monique’s acceptance of this impending union. Neither Monique nor Simon put any effort into building a wholesome mother-in-law/son-in-law relationship. Both only went through the motions, which made sense given their mutual dislike of each other.
From Monique’s perspective, marrying Simon was the wron
g choice. She felt the pending complications she’d endured from her own marriage outside of her faith and the lifetime of trying to get back into God’s good graces.
For Simon, Nia’s family was inferior, and he made them feel uncomfortable in his presence. It was as if he and his family were making a grand exception to let a Catholic girl from Tarentorus become one of them.
Monique was uneasy, while Nia chose to just ride with it.
The bridesmaids toasted Nia with chilled pink champagne in beautiful fluted crystal stemware from Nia’s wedding china collection. All giggly from the champagne, the bride and her seven bridesmaids dressed in their baby blue long gowns left the bridal chamber to catch their rides to the church.
The ride to the church seemed exceeding long, especially to Flynn, who drove Monique and the bride in his dad’s new car.
The nervous, anticipatory energy was palpable from Nia’s chest, but she tried to focus on the beautiful, windy, sunny afternoon. She continued to gaze out the window as they pulled into the church parking lot, recognizing most of the cars.
Inside the church, Nia caught a glimpse of the seated guests and heard the organist and the vocalist before she was wisked away to the vestibule. The large double doors were closed tight, but Nia imagined both of her grandmothers under God’s roof, both being less than tolerable in their glances toward each other. Etta was inevitably wound up tighter than a drum, and Adele was happy to see Etta squirm in her seat.
Nia primped her gown to have the veil draped perfectly from behind. Her bouquet of coral sweetheart roses and baby’s breath flowers was so delicate and fragrant. She chose to find a place of comfort between her mom and dad but knew the only thing pleasing her mom was that she was going to finally have the experience of walking down the aisle with her husband with their cherished daughter between them.
Flynn, too, was feeling nervous about having to formally detach from his governing role as father and give his beautiful daughter to a man who he knew to be subtly but absolutely establishing a clear boundary between Nia’s family and his. Flynn knew whatever thread of his family union still existed would soon be severed at the end of the aisle by the man who had no interest in developing a relationship with him and only had token respect for himself and his family. Flynn was also feeling anxious for his beloved daughter, who actually gave him no stress in life other than at the beginning with her deformities. Flynn wrestled with this emotion of having to detach and recognized that his heart was heavy, and he didn’t want to let go.
Monique was oblivious to her husband’s apprehensions and began praying. “Hail Mary, full of Grace. . .”
The doors were still closed, but Nia could tell by the change in music, it was time. To run!
Fighting off her unconscious, her intuition, or however else one chooses to describe the inherent gut feeling, Nia resisted the urge to bolt. Saved or captured, one could debate. Once again, all of her discernments were eclipsed by Simon’s alluring deep blue eyes encapsulating her. Nia’s spirit may have taken flight, but her body moved rhythmically to the ceremonial wedding march.
The wedding was beautiful but in no way was the ceremony revered. Simon’s parents and family loathed being in a Catholic Church, as did Nia’s paternal grandmother. Regardless, Nia desperately wanted all the childhood fantasies of playing with her beloved bride doll to, at the very least, somehow infiltrate her real wedding. The ingredients were all present: the angelic dress, the flowers, the church music, and wedding Mass, the seven bridesmaids and seven groomsmen, the venue, the décor, the food, and the elaborate wedding cake. Already, Nia’s family and friends felt distant, behind an invisible boundary separating Nia from the realm of her new married life. Nia somehow knew the little girl’s fairytale wedding was put to bed forever.
The marriage was consummated, but it lacked the lost-in-love passion Nia fantasized about during her years of dating Simon. Nothing about their love making had changed. She somehow believed the Sacrament of Marriage would bless their lovemaking making it more bonding for them as a couple. The primal movements lacked the rhythm of meshing as in an intense tango of newfound, marital fusion. Simon wanted his new wife to perform sexually, fulfilling his fantasies.
For Nia, it was stone cold evident that there was no newfound union of mutual loving. There was no freedom or encouragement to be uninhibited in her expression of loving. This was the insidious onset of mutual discontent.
The next day, Nia didn’t awake happy, enthused, or joyous. She only felt the unsettling churning of gravel in her gut, like cement. Quickly, she concealed her ill-at-ease state with a smile and kissed her husband good morning.
Chapter 26
Nia as a Mrs.
Nia took a passive role in her mother-in-law’s house. Simon’s mother lost no time in modelling the wifely duties Nia would be required to emulate to ensure her precious son was rightfully receiving. She made his pancakes, his lunch, and passed him his freshly pressed shirt, jeans, underwear, and socks before he ventured into his parentally purchased van to go to the last few days of his summer job.
Nia watched all of this, staying well out of the way of her mother-in-law while she was performing her wifely morning practices. Bacon was the standard measure of a start to a good day for the household. The breakfast table discussion oriented around the meals for the rest of the day.
By September, Nia and Simon returned to London to continue with their university education. As a married couple, they qualified for married student residence, a mere three hundred square feet of shared matrimonial real estate. Despite her unease with the marriage itself, it felt to Nia like it was their castle, balcony and all.
One of her first wifely tasks was to shop for the week’s groceries at the familiar A&P store. The food she purchased was simple, and the items sparse, much to her new husband’s chagrin. She didn’t know how to create abundance, nor how to shop for a full refrigerator. She had the task but not the skill to manage meal planning for a week at a time.
The hammer fell when Simon asked her how much she’d withdrawn from the bank for the weekend; she happily conveyed twenty dollars. Nia was blindsided by the fury that followed. He quickly identified her supposed ineptness by not anticipating his financial needs (for what, she didn’t know).
Their weekends usually consisted of walking and perhaps the Saturday night splurge at Mother’s Pizza, for which twenty dollars would have sufficed. The limited quantity of currency was a huge error in judgement. From that time on, Nia wasn’t trusted to create abundance. The reprimand was harsh, hurtful, and not forgotten. What she gleaned from this ill-treatment was the practice of walking on eggshells for the duration of her married life with Simon.
Simon’s anger confirmed she was not in a loving marriage. He once again made her feel inadequate and like a burden. Unconditional love, affection, and nurturing were not in the cards for her.
The pressure of academically measuring up mirrored the challenge of the marriage. The former succeeded where the latter was never intended to meet success. The daily ritual of evaluating Nia’s performance as a wife didn’t give him the gratification he was seeking. He wanted their marriage to bring him a sense of emotional security and self-worth. In fact, that was the reason he sought marriage. Coming from a place of demanding power and control over his waif only produced frustration and discontentment for them both.
Happiness was a rarity in their tiny abode. It was a mandatory requirement to excise Nia’s upbringing and any affiliation to it. This was more evidence of their corrosive marriage and her suffocated spirit.
Nia entered her last year of medical school, and it was indeed a struggle. It was crucial for her to stay focused and excel at her exams and clinical rotations.
For Simon, his school year was another year of a rejected application to engineering school. Now living together, it was evident to Nia that he didn’t have his nose to the grindstone. When the letter of rejection arrived, he seemed shocked, as if his third year of applying entitled him
to a place on the engineer roster. Nia couldn’t understand his lack of ambition, which seemed to be preventing him from putting extra attention into his studying; he was always so close to acceptance.
Simon’s father lamented about why his investment into Simon’s education wasn’t elevating him to the pivotal position of “My son the engineer.” Both Simon and his father continually set themselves up by wanting the status, yet were unwilling to put in the extra effort to make it materialize.
This dilemma baffled Nia; her husband was the smartest young man she knew. As of the spring following their wedding, Nia had a job she loved and finally felt on top of the world due to her hard work, determination, and resilience.
In July of that year, they bought a Riviera Blue MGB sports car. Nia loved their new possession; however, Simon saw it as his own, and he dictated if and when Nia could attempt to drive it. It had a manual transmission, and she only knew how to drive automatic. As Nia practiced driving the car, Simon disparaged any shred of her driving competence. Her grinding the gears in an attempt to master a smooth shift perpetuated his fury. Simon’s debilitating words and disgust seemed justified to him. His disrespect seemed necessary to teach his wife how to drive. His actions inevitably blocked her from having any success with her shifting. The result was a horrifically defamed and shamed Nia. The joy of owning a sports car became a submission to failure and fear of never being able to be a qualified driver. What possessed Simon to be so horrible? How could he be so malicious? On what basis entitlement did he feel he had to eviscerate her? Of course, there was never an apology for his actions. His displeasure continued in the form of deafening silence toward her. Each episode of failure strengthened his position of mastery over her. Simon quickly learned that anger was a highly effective strategy to keep Nia in line and submissive to his every demand.
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