Bride Doll

by Elizabeth Nancy Jansen

  One Saturday afternoon, the weather was perfect for a drive in the MGB with the top down. Thinking Simon was off with his brother, Nia came to the underground parking lot to find her gem, feeling ready to try driving by herself. Foolishly, she thought this might be allowed. The car wasn’t in its assigned parking spot. Since Simon routinely washed and polished his car on the weekends, Nia walked up the ramp toward the front of the building, where he usually parked the car to polish it. Once closer, she discovered the front driver’s side wheel was removed, and the vehicle was placed on a block. Unbeknownst to Nia, Simon was testing her. Like a well-primped cock, he demanded that Nia put the tire back on the car before he walked away.

  Foolish girl! Why did she think today would be any different? Simon found sick pleasure in denying her.

  Once again, belittled and maligned, Nia returned to the apartment, defeated, and cried into her pillow, knowing his fury would follow due to her lack of attempt to put the tire back on.

  Predictably, it was a very short time into the marriage before the fantasy of her little girl dreams evolved into a progressive marital nightmare. Nia was served a daily dish of dissatisfaction as if it was her medication to stay humiliated into conformity. Her home life was task-driven, always under evaluation, and always with a failing grade by her husband. Yet every morning, she awoke to try it all again. Homelife was a droning passage. On the other hand, work was where Nia was encouraged, mentored, and felt she had something to offer to her patients, peers, superiors, and equally important . . . herself.

  Nia had been working for almost a full year and married for almost two when an unexpected tragic event happened. She’d been feeling unwell with a sharp abdominal pain that shot up into her right shoulder. The symptoms were apparently all indications of an ectopic pregnancy. A bikini incision was performed, and the right fallopian tube was excised, rendering her unlikely to have children.

  It took a tragedy for Simon to take off his armour of control over his wife, and he showed her some compassion by holding her while they both cried. Literally, the young couple was ambushed by a little life lost. Despair was encountered for what seemed like an endless duration.

  By Mother’s Day of that year, Nia was consumed with the possibility of never having children. Then an unexpected “sign” appeared. A young boy handed her a single white rose while she was out for a walk. That gesture moved her into a place of faith.

  Chapter 27

  Nia, a Mother

  By the late summer of the same year, Nia was pregnant. A miracle had happened. Just as miraculously, Simon’s stress and fear of losing another little life caused him to lighten his reproach of his pregnant wife. It was only then that she had a small taste of peace and contentment in their three years of marriage.

  In May of 1979, the International Year of the Child, an incredibly beautiful baby girl, Aviana, was born. The young couple was awestruck. She truly looked like an angel painted by Michelangelo.

  Reality set in when Nia’s mother stated emphatically that, “Your baby is going to die!” This shattering statement stemmed from Nia’s decision to breastfeed her baby. Monique’s clinical approach resurfaced; she believed only in formula feeding a newborn. Nia intuitively believed Mother Nature knew better; what better way was there than a mother tenderly holding her babe, embracing the child in her body warmth while she filled her tiny belly with her mother’s breast milk?

  Nia’s Nana cast further doubt: “You kiss that baby too much.” Nia realized her way of tenderly cuddling and kissing the top of her baby’s head while the infant breastfed was too much for her nourish-without-nurturing grandmother to bear.

  Simon’s kindness toward his wife was short-lived. With Nia no longer pregnant, the dynamics of his new nuclear family revealed to him another whole layer of her inadequacies. Fear of the loss of his baby seemed to fuel his sense of his own vulnerability. He didn’t trust Nia with her manner of motherhood. Simon expected her to model his mother’s perfectionism approach to childcare.

  Nia felt trapped in the bowels of their new family dynamics. She felt herself becoming resentful of her husband’s ability to devalue her as the mere maintenance department of their union. Simon and his infant’s well being was to be Nia’s primary care and concern; God help her if either were unhappy. Simon retained all the authority, while Nia was responsible for everything that came with having a new baby, especially the sleepless nights and dirty diapers. Of course, her natural sense of priority was to protect and provide for Aviana; Nia was a great mother despite Simon’s unfounded, harsh judgements.

  Understandably, Nia felt drained of all her faculties; fatigue and total lack of partner appreciation continued to suffocate her. Sadly, any opportunity to relax, revive, and celebrate her motherhood was simply not allowed. Despite this adversity, Nia loved her baby.

  When Aviana was six weeks old, Nia’s work friends invited her out for dinner; they recognized she needed a short break and missed her. She was excited to go and planned the evening away, ensuring she had a sufficient amount of breast milk pumped for bottle feeding with her dad. Simon reluctantly agreed as long as Nia had made dinner for him as well.

  It was a warm June evening, and she chose to wear a white frilly cotton dress. Her body had resumed its tiny, toned abdomen; she felt attractive and enjoyed getting ready for the evening.

  The inherent flaw in the evening’s plan was that she didn’t drive herself to the dinner party, thereby dependant upon her friends’ timing for the evening to end. Unbeknownst to Nia, Simon was fuming as Aviana was refusing the bottle of breast milk. Simon’s ill mood escalated to anger, and even Aviana could feel his tension, which made her cry harder.

  When Nia returned home after four hours of being away, she was greeted at the door by the horror of Simon throwing her into the concrete hallway wall. He lifted her by her neck, carried her to the bedroom, and threw her onto their bed with his hands clenched around her throat.

  Nia’s response to the hatred in Simon’s eyes was utter surrender. Lack of oxygen forced her to forfeit completely when her body went limp. Perhaps that’s what saved her. When Simon realized Nia had become lifeless, he released his grip, walked out of the room, and closed the door behind him.

  The crying baby in the crib beside their bed brought Nia back to consciousness. Slowly, she collected herself and sat on the side of the bed, trying to muster the strength to stand and pick up her infant to comfort her by offering the babe her breast. Nia knew her husband was capable of immense emotional cruelty, but she never expected such physical abuse. (The trauma of his actions would be etched in her mind forever.)

  Nia stayed in the bedroom behind the closed door with her infant until the next morning. Simon had already left for his squash game when she opened the bedroom door. When he returned that evening, he had no remorse for what had happened the evening before. The two ate their dinner in silence, and they never discussed the violent act.

  The six months of Nia’s maternity leave were coming to an end, and she would have to leave the blissful job of a full-time mother to resume her breadwinner role. She enjoyed her days of taking care of Aviana, who was growing into a well-nourished, happy, and healthy baby. Her beauty was undeniable, especially when she looked at her mother with her large, hazel-green eyes. Each playful day was filled with storybooks, songs, puzzles, and a multitude of toys. The children’s songs like Anne Murray’s “There’s a Hippo in My Tub” and Raffi’s “Baby Beluga” played on repeat on the stereo. Nia was going to miss this time when she returned to work.

  After Simon’s fourth attempt to get into engineering school, he tried his hand at a teachers’ college. He spent the year drinking Amaretto in a champagne glass with his legs slung over the side of the one armchair in the living room, complaining about the people aspect of teaching.

  It seemed to Nia that Simon’s lack of success was directly tied to his lack of ambition. He was ambling through life while she drove herself hard to be successful in her roles as a devoted
mother and an excellent physician. Her dedication to both was undeniable and commended by almost everyone—her parents, his parents, her sister, her friends, but not her husband.

  Nothing suited him about his life, and Simon took it out on Nia. Throwing Nia into the concrete wall that one night added to his power and control over her; she had reason to fear him. This worked out well for him in most areas of their married life.

  Upon Simon’s completion of his education at the teachers’ college, they took a week-long family vacation back to their hometown of Sault Ste. Marie. Three days into their stay at his parents’ house, Nia wanted to see her parents.

  Simon’s actions were in line with his need to demonstrate absolute control over his wife and her plans with his daughter. He responded to his wife’s request by removing all four wheels off the car.

  Fed up, Nia reacted boldly. She scooped up Aviana, grabbed the keys to her mother-in-law’s coveted Impala, and sped out of the driveway. She knew her actions would have severe consequences. Simon would be furious with her. Her only saving grace was she hoped he wouldn’t attempt to kill her with his parents as witnesses.

  The thoughts of Simon’s impending rage faded when Nia arrived at her parents’ home and saw how tenderly they looked at their first grandchild. She knew her parents were being short-changed by her husband’s need for control over her. She started to feel shame in her disloyalty and detachment from her family.

  Simon’s family’s judgements continued to be harsh toward Nia’s family, seemingly justified by their prejudices and a strong sense of entitlement. His family’s words and actions intentionally minimized any significance of the other half of Aviana’s genetic makeup and heritage. Their grandchild had exceeded their expectations, as her beauty was profound, and her personality was magnetic. This addition to Simon’s “Windsor clan” was yet another source of elevation for them.

  Despite Simon achieving the milestone of fatherhood, his father never downplayed his disappointment of Simon for not getting accepted into engineering school. Simon knew his father’s high expectations of him were the source of his insecurities; nonetheless, he never dealt with his core issue of never being “good enough” in his father’s eyes. Fear of disapproval and rejection fed Simon’s resentment of his father. The spillage of the fear and resentment transformed into an angry young man. The one thing Simon was good at controlling was his wife, and he made sure she understood that daily.

  By late summer, Simon was offered a science teaching job in Wawa, Ontario. Neither Nia nor Simon knew a soul in Wawa. Despite this, she dutifully resigned from her prestigious hospital job, where she had great potential for professional growth and development. With Simon finally employed, Nia was hopeful this would change his demeanour and their bank account.

  Simon became a bit of a celebrity in the small town in Northern Ontario, as many of the parents wanted role models for their children. They wanted their teenagers to pursue their education to be able to seize the opportunities available in the forestry and mining industries. They need mentorship for their teens to avoid the lures of drugs and alcohol. As a result, Simon was leading the high life with no professional competitors to impede his parade.

  Despite grudgingly accepting a job as a family physician in their new locale, Nia felt like she was silently suffocating in the frigidity of her own well-being. Notwithstanding the bleakness of her external factors, she once again found herself pregnant. While Aviana was a bright, busy toddler, going to daycare, Nia suffered from being pregnant and working in a position she hated. Her situation was insufferable, and she found herself frequently driving to her tiny office, pounding on the steering wheel in utter frustration.

  Each lunch hour, she tried to go home to their small, third-floor apartment to eat, have tea, and start preparations for the family dinner.

  After work, Simon would walk the short distance home and would eat the sandwich she’d made him, drink his tea, and then would lie down on the couch and play the same record at full volume: Meatloaf’s “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.”

  Nia hated that song and felt like it was salt in the wounds of her self-compromise. What was she thinking? Simon was never going to change. How could she leave him now that she was pregnant again and had a toddler? And so, she stifled her want of going. Like her environment, she felt frozen in her situation of entrapment. It was Nia’s resilience and dedication to Aviana that got her through each day.

  Thirty-six weeks into the pregnancy, Nia was ordered to go on bed rest. Simon had no interest in looking after his wife, so he made arrangements with his family to deal with the medical issue, shipping both Nia and Aviana off to Sault Ste. Marie. Avianna stayed with Simon’s parents while Nia headed back to London to stay with a friend to wait out the duration of her pregnancy. This turned out to be a two-fold blessing; Nia was removed from Wawa’s cold temperatures and her marital bed.

  Two weeks overdue and with two stretch marks to prove it, Nia gave birth in total silence while Simon sat reserved and in judgement of even her ability to give birth. The medical staff in the delivery room were appalled at this father’s lack of encouragement and compassion for his wife. Regardless, Nia held her healthy baby boy and felt her heart swell with joy.

  Prior to Nia’s discharge from the maternity ward in London, she was found to have a fever and was required to stay in the hospital for IV antibiotics. Between the fever and the fatigue of giving birth, she asked Simon to help her out of her sweaty hospital gown. He declined and felt the need to reprimand her for her awkwardness while she struggled to thread the tangled IV tubing through the sleeve of the fresh hospital gown. He gave her a look of disdain as he saw her stretch marks and postpartum abdomen. By the next day, she felt better and relieved to have an extra day of rest, a day to celebrate quietly with her new baby boy.

  They had decided on the name Andrew. He was a beautiful baby boy but hungry as hell. After the usual few days postpartum, Nia’s milk came in. Baby Andrew fiercely latched on to Nia’s breast, then after a few sucks, would unlatch, scrunching his little face with anger at her as her milk let down like a geyser in his face. Both mother and child had to be patient to allow the milk flow to slow down before Andrew could latch on again and suckle to his heart’s content. Nia couldn’t help but giggle every time he would shake his scrunched up little face at his loving mother.

  Aviana was thrilled to be a big sister, and she kissed her brother tenderly on the head. It was a common practice for Nia to nurse Andrew while rocking both of her children and read to them. The rocking motion and the warm blanket cuddled all of them.

  Nia was at her in-law’s home for a week before telling Monique and Flynn they had another grandchild. (Nia intentionally declined to tell her parents the news of her pregnancy when she visited them at Christmas, as her mother hated the idea of anyone being pregnant. She found it easier to conceal it from her parents because she was barely showing at the time and lived farther north and out of sight of her fretful mother). They were happy but knew they wouldn’t be invited to the Windsor’s to see their new grandchild. Nia told them she would come as soon as she felt stronger.

  With the addition of another baby, the isolation Nia felt in Wawa, and no job for her husband in Sault Ste. Marie, the family of four returned to London. Simon got a high school science teaching job where he felt like a minion rather than the king. Nia was thrilled to be quickly rehired at University Hospital.

  As a result of their moving to London, Simon rented a small townhouse that Nia didn’t see until the actual move-in day. Nia was excited for only one aspect of this new space; she now was the proud owner of a washer and dryer. Having two babies and a husband who played squash every day, she needed those tools and celebrated them in the form of a solo happy dance in the basement of their rental.

  The expectations grew every day with the reality of the demands of mothering and being a physician in a teaching hospital (let alone a wife expected to make her husband happy continually). Nia endured the realit
y of giving her all to her family with zero appreciation from Simon. No affection or loving tenderness, just expectations of performance—including in the bedroom—only to disappoint him again and again.

  One evening after the children were tucked into bed, Nia was yearning for some positive words from her husband. She was fresh from the bath, smiling at Simon as he lay on the bed reading The London Freepress. “Well, Simon. How do I look?” Nia was directly asking for a compliment because she never, ever heard any words of appreciation or kindness from her husband, and she wanted some. She figured she would have to ask for them if she were to get any.

  Simon was not amused by the inquiry, even though he knew Nia accepted the imperfections of her birth defects. He didn’t have it in him to throw her one small bone. What he did say was, “You aren’t too fat, and you will never look good in stilettos.”

  And so their lives evolved with Nia knowing her place. A routine was established within the small family around the well-being of Aviana and Andrew. Nia loved her children and was delighted and in awe of their beauty, inquisitiveness, happy demeanours, playfulness, and energy, as well as their uniqueness. Despite her husband’s constant petty criticisms toward her, Nia knew she was a good mother, fuelled only by her innate ability to love them by holding, feeding, bathing, reading, singing, and playing with her beautiful little creations.

  At age six, Aviana learned the word “divorce” and what it meant from a little girl at her elementary school. Aviana begged her mother with such persistence and sincerity to affirm that divorce would never happen to them. Surprised at the question, Nia needed to respond to her daughter, if only to stop the repetitiveness of the question.

  “No, Aviana. This won’t happen to your Mommy and Daddy. We’re Catholics, and Catholics don’t get divorced.” As Nia said these words, she knew how ridiculous that response sounded, but she had to reassure her troubled daughter, if only for the moment. Somehow, Nia knew that statement would come back to bite her in the ass.