Bitter Lies

by Nina Lincoln

  Slowly, I wake from a deep sleep, glancing around when I hear the telltale sound of a phone vibrating. Sliding from the bed beside which Miranda sleeps, I pull it from my bag.

  It’s two in the morning, and I have four missed calls and three text messages from Griff, Max, and fuck…my mother.

  Fumbling with the phone, I shoot a text back to both Max and Griffin, informing them I’m with a friend, before checking to see when my mother last called. Two hours ago. Why would she be calling me at midnight?

  Before I can decide whether I should try calling her back, Griffin returns a text.

  Griffin: You need to come home, now.

  Halsey: Why?

  Griffin: Because your mother is in the fucking living room freaking out

  Shit. Dropping my phone, I pick up my bag hurriedly and slip from the room, mentally reminding myself to text Miranda tomorrow or something.

  Griffin: Halsey!

  Halsey: I’m on my way

  Griffin: Where are you? I’ll pick you up

  Halsey: No need

  Griffin: Halsey…

  Ignoring the warning tone, I can hear through the damn text message, I hustle across campus, arriving on our street twenty minutes later. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little freaked-out, but I refuse to entertain Griffin, and fuck if I’m not a little worried about why I’m being summoned home by mom, who should be hundreds of miles away right now.

  The house is lit up, but for once, it’s not because of a party. With dread, I step through the front door, Griffin’s grim expression greeting me as he runs his eyes down my form before turning away with a frustrated look.

  “Halsey! Where have you been?” my mom exclaims, rounding the corner and grabbing my shoulders before she, too, looks me over.

  Rolling my eyes, I step back at the barrage. “I was at a friend’s house. What’s going on?”

  “A friend’s? Hals, I’ve been trying you for hours.”

  “Yeah, well, we were busy.” Ignoring Griffin’s searing glare, I turn to my mom, my chest clenching when Max steps into view with a heated stare. “Why are you here?”

  “I spoke to your counselor,” Mom says with a grimace.

  “And?” Did he say something that worried her? Does he think I need to go back to the hospital? Fuck.

  “He spoke to me about your request,” she says, glancing at Griffin with wide disapproving eyes.

  Oh…oh shit. “Mom, can we—”

  “And just so you know, I’m disappointed in you. All of you,” she says, turning in a circle.

  Max puts on his best confused, I-am-a-sweet-innocent-son expression which fades when she lays into Griffin next. “And you! I trusted you. I…don’t even know what to say.”

  “What?” He glances between us anxiously, and the pit in my stomach burrows to a fucking crater.

  “Halsey says she feels unsafe around you. I trusted you,” she says again, shaking her head in disappointment.

  Griffin’s face spasms with pain, his eyes shooting to mine with a fierce glare that slowly drops to nothing. I want to deny it. I want to take it back, but it’s too late.

  Glancing at Max, I see he’s also glaring at me fiercely. Shuddering, I turn away because maybe I’m not afraid of Griffin, but I’m not exactly comfortable around him. At least, this is what I tell myself as I follow my mom into my room.

  She comes to an abrupt stop at the sight of my walls, gazing at them with wide eyes before her mouth curls in, and she pulls out my bag without asking and starts piling my shit inside.

  Bewildered, I stare at her before pushing her gently aside and taking over. What the hell did my counselor say to her to have her driving here almost immediately and whisking me away? It can’t be good, and I’m fucking terrified to know the answer.

  All too soon, I’m packed, and she’s carrying my bags out to the car as Max appears in the door.

  “What the fuck did you say to your counselor?” he demands harshly.

  Glancing behind him, I spy Griffin just beyond, staring at me through tortured eyes. Meeting Griffin’s stare head-on, I say to Max, “The truth. This environment isn’t good for my treatment. Neither of you cares about me. Neither of you cares about what happened to me. I’ll never survive here, and I need to go.”

  I know this is hard for Griffin because he loves my parents just as much as Max and me. Which is why I raise my trembling chin even though I want to curl up in shame when Griffin’s eyes grow icy before he nods and turns away.

  But Max isn’t done, and he steps into me, grabbing my arm. “You little bitch. If you said anything…”

  “Let me go, Max. I haven’t said anything to anyone. I don’t fucking care. I’m tired of caring.”

  “I didn’t fucking ask. I only care about me, and if you fucking utter so much as a word—”

  “Max,” Griffin says gruffly, stepping forward and pulling him away.

  Max lets go as though burned, turning to Griffin with a sneer before stalking from the room. We both stare after him silently until Griffin turns back to me. “So, this is it? You lie to your mother to get your way?”

  “It wasn’t a lie,” I say, grabbing my school bag and staring at the painting on the wall one last time.

  “I’ve never fucking hurt you. I would never lay my hands on you,” he says harshly. “Fuck Halsey, you fucking painted half your walls like a freak, and I never said a word.”

  Like a freak. Nice. Shaking my head, I turn to him and smile, but my lips tremble around a throat full of tears. “That’s the thing, Griffin. You don’t have to touch me to hurt me.”

  Stepping around him without touching him, I stop in my tracks when he huffs out a frustrated breath. “And so, you’re going to ruin my relationship with your mom, your family? Because you’re hurt about adolescent fucking shit?”

  I turn to him so swiftly he steps back in surprise, the pain on his face fading as I poke him in the chest fiercely. “I loved you. You were my best fucking friend, and even after I lost you, I tried to see the best of it, hoping you’d come around. But you were never going to come around because you’re a fucking douche. But even that I could have handled, Griffin, but I can’t handle knowing you traded away my virginity for fifty dollars like I don’t fucking matter.”

  “I never said that,” he says quietly.

  “No? Well, I guess you didn’t have to.”

  With that, I stalk from the house and get into my mom’s car, refusing to look in their direction as she pulls from the drive.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Don’t hurt me no more.

  Luckily, I had taken the last of my classes before my mom whisked me away, and now I’m home, hiding out in my room. Despite what I said, I am ashamed of using Griffin as an excuse for Max’s shitty behavior, but I had no choice, or so I tell myself.

  Mom’s still angry and disappointed, which is easy to see in every line of her body, and I know I have to, in some way, make this better. It was never my intention to break her heart nor prevent Griffin from his second family, even if most times I wish he would go the fuck away.

  Max is due home anytime, and I’m dreading it. I don’t know if he’s gotten over his anger or if he’s going to come at me full force. At the least, Mom has promised to let me move into a dorm, and she’s already been speaking to the administration about it.

  Luckily, a room opened when a student dropped out before Thanksgiving, and I now have a new place to live. In this, at least, I can breathe.

  Mom’s in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables for dinner, when I find her. She’s got the same look of concentration she always has when her feelings are hurt, and I wince, studying her pretty features, so like mine.

  Now that I really see it, I guess Max doesn’t look so much like her, but he still has the look of us, which makes the adoption news that much more confusing.

  I wish he would just ask her and put us all out of our misery, but this isn’t my business, at least per Max, and I’m trying to put distance b
etween us, not make it worse. When he’s ready, hopefully he will ask her, and we can finally have the answers.

  “Mom,” I ask softly, approaching her warily.

  I’m so very tired of these conversations, but I put myself smack-dab in the middle of this one, and all I can do is try to extricate Griffin without losing my opportunity at freedom.

  “Yeah?” She glances up with an absent smile as she sets the knife down.

  “Look, I don’t know what my counselor said, and I do want to move. I do think this is good for me, but Griffin didn’t, you know, hurt me.”

  “No? So, he didn’t look you in the eye right after those boys…and turn you away? When you needed help? When you were hurting?” she asks, with trembling lips and bruised eyes.

  What? Am I hallucinating? I never said that to Dr. Marks. No one knows that.

  “How did you…?” I whisper.

  “I found your diary, Halsey. And I know I shouldn’t have read it, I know, but I needed to know my baby was okay. Except all I found was the hurt—so much of it. And I couldn’t believe I pushed you to live there. I…”

  Holy shit! She read my diary? Desperately, I cast back and try to remember what I put in there, and my heart sinks at the knowledge that she has now seen into the darkest recesses of my trauma. And it takes everything in me not to walk away because I feel dangerously exposed, because that was my pain, my heartache, my fucking ugly, except it’s no longer mine.

  Raising my eyes to hers, I see the devastation, and I bite back the ugly retort on my lips because I can’t make this worse even as I don’t know how to make it better. Fuck.

  “Mom, it’s okay,” I mutter, tripping over the words, “You didn’t know. And Griffin…yeah, he was cruel to me, but he didn’t know either. I didn’t tell him. Please don’t hate him, please.”

  “I don’t hate him, sweetie, but I am angry. And when Dr. Marks called and encouraged me to let you live elsewhere, I knew I had made a mistake.”

  “But why did you come in the middle of the night?”

  “Because, sweetie, I was worried. I was…I couldn’t bear the thought of you hurting yourself.” Her pretty blue eyes are tearful and as much as I feel bad about the circumstances, I also feel fucking violated.

  “Mom, I’m not suicidal,” I say for the millionth time.

  “Okay, but give your old mom a break, hm?”

  I agree with a weak smile, moving away from the conversation as Max comes barreling through the door with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. Glumly, I look out the window, spying Griffin driving away. Usually, he would come inside, but not this time. No, this time, he leaves without looking back.

  ∞∞∞

  The holidays pass slowly as I battle the nightmares out in full force because saying the words out loud opened a chasm, I knew would be brutal, not to mention that every time I look into Mom’s eyes, I see my pain staring back at me. Still, I got what I wanted, but I just wish the victory didn’t feel like a fucking defeat.

  Max has been suspiciously absent, and of course, Griffin hasn’t come around. Somewhere along the way, they grew apart, and now Max has a new set of friends.

  Mom and Dad stepped out for a company holiday party, and Max is god knows where, so I decide to do a little sleuthing.

  Maybe I can help Max somehow; perhaps he just needs the truth. Maybe I can actually fix something because it sure isn’t my fucked-up situation.

  I start in my dad’s office, but there’s nothing here worth looking through. Besides, I know where the goods are. Mom told me once if anything happens to them, I should look in the safe in their bedroom, but I’ve been putting it off because I’m not sure I truly want to know. You can’t put that shit back in a box once it’s been opened.

  Tiptoeing into their bedroom, I crouch before the safe and unlock it with trembling fingers, glancing around guiltily even though I know I’m alone.

  Once inside, I pull out the documents and start at the top, reading through the standard stuff I would expect to see—my parents’ will, bank account information, and retirement statements.

  But beneath, I find what tore Max apart, the birth certificate and adoption papers he spoke of before.

  It’s true. He’s not my brother. Sitting back, I try to understand why my parents would lie. If he was adopted, why make it a secret?

  He’s devastated and rightfully so. Did they not think he might find out about it?

  With a sigh, I riffle through the remaining documents, stopping on a picture I’ve never seen before of my mom’s twin sister, Kathy. She’s smiling tiredly into the camera and holding a newborn, except, as far as I know, she never had a child.

  Is it possible this is the big cover-up? Is Max my cousin?

  But why? I know Kathy died when I was a baby, but Mom never spoke much about her. If they took in Max, why lie? Why create such a fantastical scenario?

  And when were they planning to tell the truth?

  “What are you doing in here?” Max’s gruff tone startles me.

  Turning, I spy him in the doorway and freeze because I don’t know what his reception will be to what I’ve found, and he’s so unpredictable lately, knowing we’re alone in the house makes me cautious.

  Looking him over carefully, I start to relax when he appears clear and sober until I see his eye twitch, and my gaze drops to his fingers tapping against his thigh.

  “Um, nothing,” I say through dry lips, shuffling everything back in order to put it away.

  “Is that right? Let me see,” he says, and the quiet tone sends a shiver down my spine.

  “Max—”

  “Let me see.” Cringing at his rough tone, I hand him the papers. He glances through them before dropping them at my feet, and sighing, I move to right them again. “Max, I was just trying to help.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t. I don’t fucking want your help,” he sneers.

  “Why?”

  “Why? Because I’m tired of it—I’m tired of you. Everyone loves you more!”

  “Max, what are you saying? Our parents love us equally. Hell, technically, they chose you.”

  “Bitch! I’m not talking about them!”

  Flinching away, I scramble to my feet and go to walk around him, but he steps in my path.

  “Then who? Who loves me more?”

  “Griffin!” he bellows.

  Gasping, I step back and study him, reminded of Miranda’s insistence that he loves Griffin, and with a pulse of sadness, I smile and say softly, “Max, Griffin doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even like me.”

  “Ha! You’re so fucking stupid. It’s always been you. Halsey wants to look at the stars. I can’t hang out. Halsey had surgery. I need to make sure she’s okay. Halsey fucking dicked ten guys. I need to defend her honor.”

  “Max, you were always with us then,” I say, ignoring his claims about Jason. How can that possibly be true when he as much as called me a whore?

  “Yeah, because he felt sorry for me!”

  “He hates me. He barely speaks to me. He made a fucking bet to get my virginity with another guy! He doesn’t love me!” I scream, flinching when he steps into my space and looms over me with an angry stare.

  “Fuck off. Just fuck off. I fucking hate you. I hate you, not fucking Griffin. Has he fucked you yet? He’s always fucking watching, waiting.”

  Bewildered, I stare at my brother and say sadly, “I don’t know what you want from me?”

  “I want you to fucking go away! Leave! Never come back!”

  “I am! You think I got a dorm room because of Griffin? No! I’m trying to leave. Just let me be! You want to kill yourself with drugs. Fine!”

  Turning away, he runs his hands through his hair. “Whatever. Just mind your fucking business.”

  With a huff, I crouch to pick up the mess, shoving it inside the safe and spinning the dial before leaving the room and stalking to my own.

  But when I get there, Max is standing inside and holding up my phone. “Griff hates you, huh?
Then why is he fucking texting you?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, holding my hand out for the phone and ignoring the tiny thrill I feel.

  I’m sure it’s more bullshit about how I’m lying anyway.

  “Fuck you,” he screams, throwing the phone at my head.

  Ducking, I watch in disbelief as my phone slams against the wall and shatters while Max pants heavily before me. Looking into his eyes, I see a blankness that sends a chill through me, and backing slowly from the room, I spin and run as he comes at me, but I only make it two steps before he shoves me against the wall and leans into me.

  “I’m tired of the fucking lies.”

  “Max, stop, please. You’re hurting me,” I plead, closing my eyes and praying he lets the fuck up.

  “I don’t care. I don’t fucking care!”

  Spinning me around, he glares into my face, and I can’t help the tears that well because this my own brother is assaulting me, and I’m scared.

  He backs up at that, and I step away cautiously, sniffling, but then my phone rings—how, I don’t know, because it’s smashed to bits.

  He swings toward it, and with his back turned, I slide down the hall, hoping to reach the bathroom where I can lock myself inside as he picks up the phone and says, “Hello.”

  Staring at him, I slow to a stop, watching incredulously as he speaks on my behalf. “No, she’s not available, bro. I think she forgot her phone. Out with some guy.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” he says sourly, dropping the phone and stomping on it. “If you fucking talk to him, I’ll hurt you. If you fucking breathe wrong, I’ll hurt you. Do you understand?”

  Nodding my head, I ease into the bathroom and close the door, locking it behind me and sliding to the floor.

  My brother is insane, and I don’t know what to do about it.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Fate, thy fickle bitch.

  I avoid Max for the remainder of the holiday, going so far as to leave the house when my parents are gone.

  I’m still waiting for a replacement phone, and I have no idea what Griffin wanted, although I assume it had to do with the showdown before I left.