Bitter Lies

by Nina Lincoln

  As it is, most days, all I see when I look in the mirror is that girl who stares at me with red, weary eyes, betrayal, and acceptance on her face. What will Griffin see now?

  The girl he traded away for a bet? Or the girl who allowed herself to be violated? Frankly, even though it stings, I’d rather be the girl he traded away, but I’m sure, much like everything else, this too is out of my control.

  My roommate and I have settled in, and to my surprise, even though we’re exact opposites, she’s taken me under her proverbial wing and made it her mission to make me socialize.

  She’s eager to include me in things, which is how I find myself at a club, dancing to music that used to make my skin crawl, laughing, and feeling normal for the first time in forever.

  Maybe I just needed to be out from under my past, but I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.

  With a grin, she pulls me from the crowd and into a group of her friends who have also been welcoming of the new face in their midst. And even though my heart still burns for the boy who threw me away, I find I’m actually enjoying my college experience.

  “Hey, Halsey, looking good,” Aaron says, looping an arm around my waist and swinging me around.

  Laughing, I swat at his arm, and he chuckles, setting me down gently. Aaron is my new favorite person because he’s gentle and kind, and if I’m not mistaken, bisexual, but he puts no pressure on me, and we coexist in a dimension where there’s no unrequited feelings nor sexual tension.

  “C’mon, bitch, let’s get a drink,” he calls over the din, and nodding, I follow him through the crowd, taking his hand when he offers it.

  Which is the first thing Griffin sees when he steps into view, his eyes dropping to our joined hands before glaring at Aaron with glittering eyes.

  I haven’t seen him since the altercation with Jason, and I have no clue what happened after I left, but I hope he made Jason hurt because a little bit of pain is nothing compared to what he deserves.

  Sourly, I note Griffin’s with some chick—I guess Miranda is long gone, and although I hated seeing him with her, I’m not sure I like the look of this new one.

  She’s got a cruel gaze that finds me lacking from the get-go, and maybe sensing our history, she latches onto Griffin when she notices our eyes lock, saying something to him I can’t hear.

  But he doesn’t so much as look down at her as he stares after me with a slight frown, his jewel bright eyes stalking me until I disappear into the masses.

  Weirdly, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the angry glare surely wasn’t it. Is he jealous? Ha!

  I guess I can be grateful it wasn’t pity, but with the way we left things, I half thought he would never want to see me again. I don’t know but seeing him now creates a wild surge of energy in my body, like I could fly, although inevitably I must come down, and the fall would hurt.

  Aaron pulls me up to the bar and shouts for two bottles of water before turning back to me with a curious leer. “Who was that tall drink of water?”

  Pulling my lips into an approximation of a smile, I glance back the way we came, but I can no longer see him in the crush, only the image that still dances in my brain. Beautiful hazel eyes, staring out of thick lashes, over a straight nose and lips formed in a perpetual frown. His body eats up the space, crowding out everything around him until all you can see is him.

  He’s beautiful, brutal, and cold.

  “The boy who broke my heart,” I say with quivering lips, to which Aaron’s eyes soften as he pulls me into a hug.

  Gratefully, I return the gesture, holding back tears because I can never outrun my past no matter how hard I try. Griffin Hathaway will always hold a piece of me, whether I want him to or not.

  Just as he will always hate me for reasons, I suspect I’ll never understand.

  After a few hours of dancing, in which I don’t see Griffin again, we depart, Aaron escorting us to our dorm room before heading back to his own.

  And after, as I lie in bed, exhausted, I think about Griffin and what could have been until I fall into a gentle sleep.

  ∞∞∞

  The next time I see Griffin, I’m in the library, researching possible topics for a term paper.

  It’s been a good few weeks of melancholy thoughts and moping because seeing Griffin brought back memories that had dulled, and now the edges are sharp and painful once more.

  He’s with a few friends, all football players, I’m sure, and each sexy in their own way, but I have eyes only for him, and of course, my heart jumps into my throat, eating up his beautiful form as he passes.

  One of Griffin’s sexiest attributes is his strong arms. They bulge with muscle and stretch the fabric of his shirts which I suspect is on purpose, designed specifically to torture me.

  Even when we were younger, he was strong, but as time passed and he grew, those fucking arms got yummier and yummier.

  Watching him now, I’m reminded of our last night together in the tree house, and I squirm uncomfortably in my chair. He makes me feel things I wasn’t sure I ever could, not after everything, and it’s this that makes me the saddest of all.

  He’s the guy who makes my heart and body sing, and I’m the girl he couldn’t drop quickly enough, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m fucked, because, despite everything, he’s still the one I want with an intensity that scares me.

  Is it me who’s crazy? I don’t fucking know, but a whole slew of counselors who diagnosed me sure think so.

  They settle at a table a few down from mine, and uncomfortably, I consider closing up and leaving. I’m hardly going to be able to concentrate with him sitting so close by—this trip is now a bust.

  With a frustrated sigh, I close out my laptop and gather up my papers, refusing to glance his way when I hear his deep laugh, which makes me squirm in my seat. Dammit.

  “Hey, isn’t that the hot chick who used to live with you?”

  Sinking lower in my seat, I pretend I can’t hear even though the dick isn’t exactly quiet, and whatever Griffin says is too low to make out. But unable to resist, to know if he cares, if he bothered to look my way, I glance up and meet his stare. His brows are low over his pretty eyes as he looks me over, alight with an expression I can’t define.

  He’s so fucking beautiful that I wince because I’m wearing sloppy sweats and zero makeup.

  It’s stupid because he’s seen me at my lowest, but still, this is a rather painful reminder to care about my appearance, which most days I shrug off because when it comes to him, I feel vulnerable and dangerously less than.

  Smiling feebly, I look away and shove my shit in my bag, sighing with frustration when I drop a slew of papers to the floor, delaying my exit.

  And when a shadow appears over my desk, I look up with both anticipation and dread, only for it all to drop like a lead balloon when I see it’s Jason Macklemore, standing over me with a rude grin.

  I’m sure every bit of color I had in my face drains away as I stand unsteadily and fight off a wave of dizziness.

  After Griffin kicked his ass, but not before he outed the last of my wretched secrets, I had hoped he might have left school—you know, ashamed and all that. No such luck, and strangely, as I stare at him, the image of him fucking my brother almost supersedes my agonizing downfall.

  Of course, him disappearing was a pipe dream, and it doesn’t appear he’s any worse for wear.

  Pity.

  Sourly, I look away, ignoring the familiar itchy feeling rising on my skin, dirt I can never rinse clean, not in a thousand lifetimes. Never.

  “What the fuck do you want?” I rasp.

  “To chat.” He pulls out a chair and makes himself at home.

  I desperately seek out Griffin to ensure he’s at least present, but with a frown, I note he’s no longer at his seat, and I wonder if he left when he found me here.

  Fuck.

  Warily, I turn back to Jason, convincing myself that it’s okay. We’re in the library, after all. I can ask for help
. I can leave—he has no power over me.

  “Well?” I say through clenched teeth when he stares at me with a fierce smile.

  “Huh, you fucking ruined my reputation, and now you’re gonna be a bitch, too?” he says, shaking his head in disappointment.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Sit.”

  Crossing my arms, I look him over with distaste. “No.”

  “You’ll want to sit for this,” he says with a smirk, and cautiously I sit down, damning my life and the place this shit has in it.

  “Well?” I snap.

  “C’mon, you lied. Why, I don’t know, but I suspect it’s because you’ve been panting after Hathaway and wanted to save face.”

  “I didn’t lie,” I spit, clenching my hands beneath the table, for I’m afraid of what I might do if I don’t.

  I want to tear into his skin, I want to hurt him as I’ve hurt, but I also want to run away, as I’ve always done, and it’s this that keeps me glued to my seat.

  “Please. You asked for it. You begged, Halsey. I have it on video. What’s your fucking excuse now?” he sneers.

  “I was wasted, and when I came to, I said no. You didn’t stop!”

  “Yeah, well, after teasing us all and inviting us in, what did you expect? We were all drunk and reckless. You’re going to accuse me of rape after?”

  “Jason, whatever you misinterpreted,” I say, forming air quotes with the word, “no means no.”

  “Whatever,” he chuffs. “You’re a pathetic bitch who thought she could dupe me. Well, I won.”

  “What?” I’m fucking thrown by this as I stare at him, bewildered.

  “You think I didn’t know about Hathaway? The fucker baited me about you from the minute we started dating. The only reason I entertained it was because of pussy, and whether you choose to own up to it or not, you asked for it.”

  “I did not,” I whisper, but there’s a niggle of doubt because I don’t remember a lot, and there’s a chunk of time missing.

  Did I ask him to fuck me? All of them? Does it matter? I asked them to stop, and they didn’t.

  Rubbing my forehead, I mutter, “What do you want?”

  “Make it right, or I share the video,” he demands, crossing his arms over his chest.

  My lips are numb as I lick them carefully. “What video?”

  Smirking, he pulls up his phone and presses Play, handing it to me. Fumbling, I turn the sound down as my voice says clearly, “C’mon, baby, I thought you wanted this?”

  “Of course, I do,” Jason purrs, making my skin crawl as he pushes his hand below my skirt, and I arch into him.

  “Mm, yeah, let’s get you ready,” he growls, and I smile at him through lidded eyes, but my gaze is blank.

  I’m supremely wasted, and it’s easy to see, but maybe fuckwad didn’t care, or maybe douches like him think with their dicks, I don’t know.

  The video moves away, showing a couple of Jason’s friends sitting around us watching, and to my shame, I moan when Jason flips my skirt up, and the guy’s whistle and catcall.

  What was I thinking?

  “Fuck, baby, you’re so hot. You wanna please me, right?”

  “Yes,” I mumble, bucking into his hand.

  “Good. The boys here want a little taste. How about you suck Kieran’s dick?”

  Blearily, I turn, dazed as Jason grabs my mouth and opens my jaw, and Kieran appears above me, to which I choke as he shoves inside.

  My eyes roll back in my head, and I check out, staring at the ceiling while he takes my mouth and Jason mounts me. Strangely, I thought I lost my virginity in the woods, but it would seem it was inside long before it devolved into the scene that still haunts me.

  And I don’t know how to feel about it, any of it, but shame at my actions is pulsing through me heavily because I lay there like a doll and allowed someone to brutalize my mouth while my supposed boyfriend watched.

  The video ends, and I stare at it blankly before looking at Jason grimly and whispering, “This doesn’t mean much, beyond that I’m so drunk I can’t keep my head up, and you took advantage of me.”

  “Ha! I’ve got plenty more where this came from, and I’m giving them to Griffin and the entire fucking school if you don’t back off and admit you liked it.”

  “I didn’t!” Immediately, I glance around and lower my tone when people at the tables around us turn toward me and stare.

  “Whatever. It wasn’t fucking rape. Do what you need to, but get Hathaway off my back,” he snarls, standing from the seat abruptly.

  “What’s going on here?” Griffin asks, and with dread, I turn to find him standing a few feet away and coming toward us quickly.

  Jason holds up his hands and glances at me meaningfully, and with a burning ache in my heart, I stand.

  I don’t know what to do, but I think I might surely lose myself if that video or any others are revealed. The fucker is blackmailing me, but what choice do I have?

  The act in and of itself was horrific, and I hardly need to relive it in front of the entirety of my peers—talk about being fucking violated again.

  Griffin turns a thunderous frown on Jason, his hands clenched at his sides. “I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from her.”

  With a whimper, I plaster a smile on my face and say quietly, “It’s okay. We were just talking.”

  “About what? What could this piece of shit have to say to you?”

  Staring into Griffin’s face, I’m terrified because this video depicts me as a lying whore, and what little dignity I have left is hanging by a fucking thread and close to unraveling. Do I need to reveal my shame? No.

  And not to the one guy who has the power to break me because I’m not sure I could handle it. So, I do what Jason wants even as I die a little inside, once more leaving a piece of me behind that I fear I can never get back.

  “Right, well, it’s fine,” I say lamely, hoping Jason will just fucking leave, but no, he’s here for the ultimate humiliation and stands there with a smile on his ugly fucking face.

  I wish I had never met him. I wish I had walked away when Griffin denied me, picked up the shards of my broken heart, and went away to art school.

  Instead, I was stupid, and here I am. All I accomplished was giving my innocence to a group of guys who don’t care, not then and not now. It didn’t change Griffin’s mind, and why would it?

  Now I’m the trash, and I walked right into it. I did this, and now I get to reap the consequences once more.

  “What’s fucking fine?” Griffin glances between us suspiciously, before he searches my eyes with a worried scowl.

  “We talked,” Jason says with a sheepish smile, “I apologized for popping her cherry and walking. It was a dick move.”

  Griffin’s eyes swing to mine, his frown fierce as he studies my face with a wretched expression, and I smile sadly.

  Is he thinking about Bobby Moore and the jacket he traded away? I hope he loved that fucking jacket.

  “Anyway, we’re good, man. No hard feelings, yeah?” Jason says.

  “What the fuck are you saying?” Griffin mutters.

  “I know you were only defending Halsey, but now that she’s admitted she was making shit up, I forgive you.”

  Fuck. He had to take it all the way, didn’t he? Fucker.

  “Halsey?” Griffin says, his eyes boring into mine.

  “Yes?” I whisper, staring at a spot over his shoulder because I can’t bear to meet his gaze.

  I can’t bear to see the hate and disgust that will surely be there, and with a mental sigh, I give in. This is my penance, and there is no fucking redemption.

  “What’s he talking about?” he demands roughly.

  “What…he said,” I flounder, earning me a warning look from Jason.

  “Are you saying you made it up?”

  “I was hurt.” Which isn’t a lie because I felt like I was dying the next day. Hell, I feel like I’m dying right now.

  “So, you
lied? About being raped?” Griffin bites out between clenched teeth.

  “Okay, uh, see you around,” Jason says with an uncomfortable smile and I glare at him, disbelieving.

  Dick.

  Turning away from Griffin, I grab my bag numbly, hoping I can keep it together until I get back to my dorm. But it’s lingering below my skin, an itch that I can’t scratch, and the longer I stand here, the more I want to claw at it.

  “So, you lied?”

  Smiling sadly, I brush past him, saying, “Isn’t that what you said? I’m a liar. Right?”

  “Halsey!”

  Ignoring him, I race for the door, breathing deep when I get outside, but it’s not helping, and all the way back to my dorm room, I silently seethe because once again, I’m the one being fucking violated, and I’m tired of it.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Don’t lose faith…right.

  After spending two painful days in bed where I refused to move, convincing my roommate that I was sick, I finally emerge.

  Although I’m still reeling from the events at the library, I’ve also decided. I did what Jason wanted, but I’ll be damned if he’s gonna hold those videos over my head for an eternity. As it is, I feel powerless under this new revelation and frankly fearful he might use it against me in more nefarious ways.

  I thought about telling my counselor, but the fewer people who know about the videos, the better. It’s bad enough knowing they exist, but for someone else to see them? No. Please, god, no.

  How many times has Jason watched it? Did he share it with his friends? Is my humiliation being used to jack off with?

  No, they need to disappear, and I’m willing to do just about anything to make it happen.

  But after a frustrating conversation with my mother where she refused to release part of my birthday money without knowing why and I refused to tell her, I’m no better off than when I started, except now I have a fucking headache.

  It’s a long shot, but I’m desperate, so I contact Max, who grudgingly agrees to meet me for lunch.

  With a grim smile, he sits opposite me, looking terrible, and my chest clenches with worry because he’s not getting better; he’s getting worse, and I’m fucking powerless.