Ardan turned to stare at his father, his gaze filled with desolation. “If I go, there’s no need for Eamon and Finn to travel too.”
Rolling his eyes, Seamus let out a snort. “Try tellin’ that to the lads. ’Tis all they can talk about. The adventures they’ll have. Declan’s on the verge of tellin’ me that he has no desire to go, as he doesn’t want to be stuck with the twins for months on end.”
Ardan collapsed into the chair again, his gaze distant and lost. “I don’t know what to do, Da.” He stared at his father with admiration and respect. “I always thought my greatest fear was being left alone, like you were. Like we all were.” He paused as he saw the flash of pain in his father’s gaze at his words. “But I’ve come to understand, ’tisn’t my true fear.”
When he paused for a long time, Seamus murmured, “What is?”
“Loving and not being loved in equal measure.” He closed his eyes. “’Tis a special form of hell.”
“Oh, lad,” Seamus whispered. Crouching in front of his eldest son, Seamus was reminded of all the times he had soothed his children. And he gave thanks they still sought him out for his counsel and love. “Don’t run away from your heart’s desire, my lad. You’ll only regret it if you do.”
Ardan fell forward, into his father’s arms, the strength of his emotions far more powerful than any control he attempted to exert. He clung to his father as though a boy, thankful for his father’s constancy.
After a quieter-than-usual evening at the café, Deirdre stood in her kitchen, staring at her back door, as though willing Ardan to walk through it. However, the door remained closed, and no O’Rourke walked through. Bowing her head, she thought about her current predicament. Although she had always wanted to believe herself a brave woman, she knew many of her decisions had been borne out of desperation. Due to the generosity of the O’Rourkes, she had the chance to never have to live that way again.
With the soothing scents of baked bread and coffee, she closed her eyes, as a vision of her dream future appeared. She stood, smiling and laughing in the kitchen, as Ardan served customers in the café, while his mother and sisters helped her in the kitchen. Children’s joyful voices could be heard playing outside, and her heart skipped a beat, as the ferocious desire overwhelmed her for another child. For another chance.
She gripped the butcher block, her eyes squeezed shut, reluctant to disturb her dream. For, if she didn’t take a chance, would it ever be her reality?
The slamming of the back door jerked her out of her reverie, and she stared with a bleary gaze at the woman watching her with amused understanding. “Why are you here?” she whispered.
“I worry you have less sense than before you left for the stagecoach accident.” After a pause, she held out her hand. “I’m Madam Nora, and business owners should introduce themselves and get to know each other. I failed to introduce myself properly to you before you left on Bailey’s stagecoach.” Tonight, Nora wore a brilliant green dress in a shiny satin that appeared to sparkle in the kitchen light. Her brown hair softly framed her face, held back by tortoiseshell combs, while her brown eyes held a stark inquisitiveness.
Deirdre shook her hand, nodding in confusion. “I agree, although I’m uncertain I should associate with you.”
Nora shrugged. “I wouldn’t worry about the O’Rourkes. They are generous with their friendship and affection. Besides, Aileen has become a close friend, as she aids my girls.”
Deirdre nodded dumbly, staring at Nora again with abject uncertainty. “Would you like supper? A cup of something?”
Waving her hand at the offer, Nora smiled. “You are too kind. I have a decent cook, although I wouldn’t mind convincing your helper, Niamh, to work for me. I had thought her talents lay in another area, but I can see I was wrong.” When Deirdre continued to gape at her, Nora laughed. “She’s a fine seamstress herself.”
“Oh,” Deirdre said, her shoulders relaxing. “I … was uncertain what you meant.”
Nora raised her eyebrows in a sardonic manner, indicating she knew exactly what Deirdre had suspected. “Tell me, Deirdre. Do you care for the man, or was it mere friendship for you?” At the deafening silence, she continued. “Or was it all a game?”
“I don’t know why you would presume to speak to me in such a manner.” She stood tall, and any curiosity or burgeoning friendliness was hidden behind an aloof wall of propriety.
“I presume so because I count the O’Rourkes as friends. I know you’ve broken a good man’s heart. His spirit.” Nora frowned, as though perplexed. “Which makes no sense. I thought you were a woman able to distinguish between a charlatan and a gem. I never like admitting I was wrong.” She stared at Deirdre, who seemed to deflate in front of her, before collapsing onto a stool.
“Why should you care what happens in my life?”
Nora smiled. “I was like you once. Scared and alone, with too many around me attempting to take advantage of me or giving me wrong advice.” She paused as the shadow of regret crossed her features. “I had the opportunity to choose differently, and I didn’t. I’d hate for you to make a similar mistake.”
Deirdre raised an eyebrow, as though mocking the Madam in a subtle manner. “I have a café, Madam Nora, not a brothel.”
Nora stiffened. “How sad that you cannot see past the occupation to the person, as the O’Rourkes have.” She turned toward the back door, pausing with her hand on the door handle. “I hope you do not live a life filled with regret. Especially as Ardan O’Rourke has made plans to leave Fort Benton for Saint Louis.” She looked over her shoulder to meet Deirdre’s devastated gaze. “And there is uncertainty if he’ll ever return.”
Deirdre sat rooted in place as she watched the Madam leave. How was she to live here without Ardan?
Ardan sat in the warehouse, eschewing joining his family for dinner. He had no desire to sit around the table and to force a gaiety he didn’t feel. He lowered his head, considering his conversation with Da. Although Ardan understood his father’s point of view—to stay and to continue to fight for the woman he loved—Ardan did not know how he could remain in Fort Benton, when she wanted little to do with him.
For the past few days, the running of the café had been her endeavor. From what he had gleaned from listening to his family’s dinner conversations, she appeared to relish the challenge. “Eejit,” he muttered to himself. He rubbed at his temples, cursing himself for being a fool. Now that she had everything she wanted, why would she desire him?
He rose to answer the knock at the rear door. Few men in town needed supplies, but his father had raised him to always be a good businessman. He pasted on a friendly expression as he opened the door. “Deirdre?” he asked, as he saw her gasping for breath, a wild gaze in her eyes. “Who hurt you, lass?”
“You did!” she cried out. “How could you, Ardan?”
He shook his head in confusion, pulling her inside. “You’re not making any sense.” He grunted when she pelted him in his chest as he said that. He grabbed her hands, holding them gently in his, as he studied her tormented expression. “Deir, what is it?”
“You’re leaving me. Just like I knew you would.” Her shoulders stooped forward, and she curled into herself as a sob burst forth.
Murmuring soft words of nothing into her ear, he pulled her close. He breathed in her light lilac scent, both a temptation and a tease at the same time. “All will be well,” he whispered.
“How?” she stammered out. She wiggled until she had freed herself of his embrace and swiped at her wet cheeks. “How am I to live in this town without you?” When he stared at her in wonder, she took in a stuttering breath. “The past few days have been wretched enough. I can’t imagine weeks and months.”
“Wretched?” he whispered, his brilliant blue eyes lighting with hope.
“Horrible,” she said, as she hiccupped. Her cheek moved into his hand as he caressed her skin. “Every night I’ve waited for you. Needed you to hold me in your arms.”
“I thought you didn’t want
me anymore,” he whispered.
“I was a fool.” She took a step closer, her eyes shining with sincerity. “I thought what I feared most was what I had already lost.” She shook her head at her daft notion. “I hadn’t realized what my life would be like devoid of your company.” She closed her eyes. “I’m so ashamed.”
“Why, Deirdre?” he whispered.
“I made you believe I didn’t want you. That I wanted a business more than I wanted you.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t want it,” she proclaimed. “I’ll speak to your father tomorrow, but I don’t want the café.”
His eyes bulged at her declaration. “Deirdre, no,” he rasped. “I wanted you to have it. Please, don’t turn your back on your dream.”
Tears streamed down her cheek, as she took another step toward him, bridging the final step that separated them. “Don’t you understand? That dream means nothing if you aren’t there with me?” She stared for a long moment into his eyes. “May I share my genuine dream with you now?”
He nodded, too overcome by strong emotions to speak.
She closed her eyes, as though bringing her vision into focus. A contented smile spread, and she sighed. “I work in the kitchen, baking with your mother and sisters when we are busy. Running the kitchen alone during the slow season. Through it all, you are there. Talking and cajoling our customers. Slipping your arms around my waist in an encouraging embrace, when you come to tell me of an order or for a break. At night, we have dinner with your family and then return to our home above the café. There’s laughter and joy and an abundance of love.” She opened her eyes, unable to hide the yearning within. “That’s what I desire.”
“Is that what you had with Alonzo?” he asked.
She shrugged. “Partially. He was a good man. But he never would have carried me to the privy every day for a week, as you did. He never would have done the dishes. That would have been beneath him.” She flushed, as though she had been disloyal to her first husband.
“Why, Deirdre?” he asked in a passionate voice. “Why do you want such a life with me?” He bent forward until their foreheads were almost touching, and his hand cupped the side of her neck.
“I love you, Ardan. I can’t imagine a life without you in it. Please, don’t leave me alone.”
He yanked her into his arms at her declaration, his strong hands caressing her back. He shuddered, as though overwhelmed by her words. “Oh, my darling, how I love you. I’ll never leave you alone. I promise.”
He pulled back, lowering his head. His warm breath provoked a shudder as he kissed the side of her neck. Soon he had kissed his way from her neck to her forehead and then to her cheeks. His fingers traced patterns over the soft skin exposed above her collarbone, and he smiled as she gasped at the gentle touch.
“Kiss me, Ardan,” she begged as she arched back.
“I am,” he teased. Before she could protest, he kissed her softly on her lips. Soon the kiss deepened, and he pulled her tighter into his embrace. His hands tangled in her hair, freeing it of its pins, while her hands raced over him, eliciting shivers of her own.
After many minutes, he raised his head and pulled her with him to sit on his lap as he collapsed on a crate. “Let me hold you, a stoirín,” he murmured. “For you are my treasure.”
After their breaths had calmed, he murmured, “Will you marry me, Deirdre? Will you allow me to make your vision a reality?”
She raised her gaze, her cognac-colored eyes watery as she met his gaze. “Yes.” She sighed, as he kissed her again. “Yes, my love. I will marry you.”
“Oh, love, we will have the most wondrous life.” He tensed, although his hands continued to caress her in a reassuring manner.
“What is it, Ardan?” she whispered.
“Will you be upset if we have children?” he asked. When she stared in wonder at him, he ran a finger over her cheek. “My dream of our future would have children in the kitchen with you, as you teach them how to cook.” He fought to hide disappointment in his gaze as she gaped at him. “Forget I said anything.”
“No!” she said, as she held his head in her hands, her fingers caressing his soft beard. “No, my Ardan. Of course I want children with you.” She closed her eyes. “It’s a dream I never allowed myself to dare to have. I’ve always feared I was tempting fate by wanting too much. For, if I had you, why should I want more?”
“Oh, my love,” he whispered as he kissed her soundly. “I want to be by your side, as I help make every one of your dreams come true.”
She beamed at him. “You will, Ardan. As I will yours. We will have a marvelous life.”
Chapter 11
The following morning, Mary arrived at the café without Maggie. Niamh had yet to arrive; thus they worked alone as they prepared food for the midday meal. During the customary midmorning lull, Deirdre sat, staring in space, as she held a cup of tea in her hands. However, she did not sip from it, nor did she sing or chat with Mary. A half-finished cake batter and bread to be kneaded stood nearby, but she remained lost to her daydream.
“Whatever has you mesmerized, I hope it brings you joy,” Mary murmured, as she watched Deirdre with concern.
Deirdre jumped at Mary’s words, spilling a few drops of tea and focusing on her friend. “Oh, I’d forgotten you were here.” She blushed as she belatedly heard what Mary had said. “And it does.”
“Good.” Mary smiled with pleasure, as she returned to the stew, which she had prepared for the midday meal. “I saw Ardan this morning, and the black cloud hangin’ over him seems to have disappeared.”
Deirdre’s flush brightened. “We reconciled last night.” She beamed at Mary, as the older woman stepped away from the stove to fully focus on her. Mary pulled out a stool and sat, waiting with patient acceptance as Deirdre collected her thoughts. “I spoke with the Madam.”
Mary sobered. “Again?” Her fingers rubbed at the countertop. “Why did she interfere again?”
Deirdre shrugged. “I think she genuinely likes our family. And I could never blame her for yearning for what we have.” She flushed at including herself as part of the O’Rourke family. When Mary merely nodded, as though her comment made perfect sense and took no objection to Deirdre’s statement, Deirdre relaxed. “I’ll always be thankful to her. Even if we aren’t destined to be friends.”
Mary sighed. “I’ve been hesitant to call on her. First, she’s a Madam, and ’tisn’t proper to associate with women like that.” She paused and shook her head. “But Seamus liked her. Found her to be a wise woman and sought out her counsel before I returned.” She paused, sharing a chagrined look with Deirdre.
Deirdre smiled reassuringly. “You never have to worry that Mr. O’Rourke will look to anyone but you for wisdom or support.” She watched with wonder as Mary relaxed, her faith in her husband complete.
“Nay,” Mary murmured, a small smile playing around her lips. “And Seamus assures me that she treats her girls well.” She shuddered. “I couldn’t imagine such a life.”
“Nor I,” Deirdre whispered. “The Madam informed me that Ardan was to travel with Declan. And challenged me to be brave.” She smiled. “I realized what my fear was costing me. My dream of a future with a man I love.”
She laughed as Mary launched herself from her stool and pulled her into a tight hug. “Oh, please tell me that you told Ardan that.” Mary backed away, her hazel eyes sparkling with hope. At Deirdre’s nod, Mary gave a girly squeal of glee and pulled Deirdre close again. “Oh, you’ll be a daughter in truth, rather than merely a daughter of my heart,” Mary breathed.
A sob burst forth, and Deirdre clung to Mary. Unable to speak, her hands dug into Mary’s back.
“Oh, sweet girl,” Mary crooned. “You’ve a family now. You’ve had one for some time, but I know it takes a while for the reality of such a drastic change to seem real.” She continued to murmur reassuring words to Deirdre, easing away as Deirdre’s sobs abated. Smiling at her, she swiped at her cheek. “Feel better?”
Deirdre nodded but ducked her head in embarrassment. “I don’t know what happened.”
Tsking, Mary handed her a clean handkerchief and sat again on a nearby stool. “If anyone understands how overwhelming it can be to find a family, ’tis I.” She shrugged. “Or any of us O’Rourkes.” She made a waving motion with her hands. “In one day, my children went from seven to one. Then, in another single day, from three children to twelve!” She gave a wondrous laugh. “An’ now I have two more daughters to love. Never doubt. I understand a great deal of what you’re feeling, darling Deirdre.”
A wondrous smile spread as Deirdre sat in awestruck silence. “He wants to marry me. And hopes to have children with me.” She swiped at a lone tear that tracked down her cheek. “We’ll have family to love and to cherish us.” She shook her head, as though it were almost too much to comprehend.
Mary rose, cupping her cheek. “Seamus prays nightly for our lads to marry good Irish lasses who bring them joy. While I pray for that too, I also have another prayer.” She paused a moment. “I pray that whoever marries my children also loves our family. For I could never bear to be parted from any of them. Thank you for understanding our closeness, Deirdre.”
Deirdre leaned into Mary for another hug, saying a silent thanks for her second chance at love and a family.
Deirdre leaned on an elbow, her head cocked toward the door, as she heard a soft tapping at the entrance to her upstairs rooms. She had locked the door again, as Ardan hadn’t visited her in the evening since the arrival of Silas. When the tapping occurred again but louder, she pulled on a robe and tiptoed to the door.
“Deirdre?” Ardan called out. “Will you let me in?”
Gasping with surprise as an exhilarant joy filled her, she pushed over the bolt and yanked the door open. “Ardan,” she breathed. He stood in shadows, but his eyes acted as a beacon. Flinging herself in his arms, she pressed herself against him, wrapping her arms around him like a vine. “Hold me and never let me go,” she whispered.
Pioneer Desire: The O’Rourke Family Montana Saga, Book Two Page 18