Afraid of Her Shadow

by Carol Maloney Scott

  I can’t find any more words and he adds, “I should do it with Megan, of course. But as you know, I have only seen her recently, and now that she’s moved in I don’t want to bombard her with that right away. I thought maybe when she’s eighteen, or maybe on some occasion. Maybe Noreen’s upcoming birthday.”

  I turn back to the drawer and open it, letting this topic rest. The first thing I see makes me want to throw up. I pull the framed photo out of the drawer, and I hand it to Steve. “Maybe you should go through this drawer. I’ve had about enough memory lane today.”

  He sighs and grabs the picture, but the annoyed look leaves his face as he sees what he just subjected me to. “I’m sorry, Love. She liked to pose nude so I…you’re right. Why don’t you let me finish up in here?”

  He lays the photo on the dining room table. Noreen is sitting in a most unladylike position, completely nude, on the fucking orange couch—WITH A BIG RED BUG ON HER STOMACH! Ironically, the bug clashes, but the couch almost matches her hair.

  Wordlessly, I finish putting things in boxes that I had previously taken out of the other drawers, as if I need to do something with my hands so I don’t break something. Obviously they had a right to take nude pictures. They were married, and that is none of my business. But how in the hell could he continue to be so stupid and insensitive to leave this shit laying around? And who poses naked with insects? If that was a turn-on for him, I certainly can’t compete.

  He stands over me. “Rebecca.” I ignore him. He bends down and grabs my hands. “Look at me. I am not in love with her. I am just a lazy man who wanted to use the ‘avoid it and it will go away’ method of dealing with all of this.” He sits on the floor and leans up against the wall with his face in his hands.

  “I don’t know how to explain this to you so you’ll understand.” He pauses and says, “I know. You broke up with Luke, right? Did anyone ever break up with you in the past? Leave without your desire for them to go?”

  I nod my head and sit cross-legged next to the box.

  He seems encouraged by my response, and starts talking with his hands. “Okay, good. When that guy left, you were probably really hurt and upset, right? Maybe you even though you wouldn’t get over him, right? But you did.”

  “But he didn’t die.”

  Steve displays rare frustration. “It doesn’t matter! At first it does, yes. Death is more tragic. But over time, the person is still gone. So you can’t love someone who isn’t here. You remember how it felt to love the person, but you don’t feel it any more. It’s a memory of a feeling.” He stares at me and says, “It’s actually easier because there is closure. The person can’t text you, call you. You will never run into them in a store. At a bar. They don’t move into your condo and try to get you back.”

  Now my sadness switches to anger. “Don’t turn this around on me again, just to get out of taking responsibility for putting me through all of this.”

  “I’m sorry, but Luke is a real person. Noreen is not. Anymore. I feel guilty, okay. I told you that before. Guilty for lying to you. For not keeping her safer. She was so damn stubborn. I told her not to ride on the road at night. She had a headlight, but it’s still unsafe on these roads at night, unless you’re in a group. She wouldn’t join a group. She said she rode to get away from people.” He can see that while I sympathize with what happened, his rant isn’t helping. “I know you want the house to reflect us. You. Me. Our relationship—”

  “Even Megan told me that she couldn’t believe you left all of these pictures up.”

  “Really? I think she was just saying that for your benefit.”

  “Right, motherless teenagers who get shuffled between homes are so sensitive to the needs of strange adults. Especially one taking her mother’s place.” I stand up and continue. “She didn’t even want any pictures of Noreen in her room. I think it makes her uncomfortable, too.”

  We go back and forth about how I think he wants to use Megan as an excuse to leave the pictures up, and he says he is going to take them down. But the final words are ones that cut to my core.

  “You know what? The bottom line is I am not going to be pressured into taking anything down or giving things away, by you or Megan. I am also not going to be guilted into keeping a shrine, like Eve and Noreen’s mother think I should. I am going to do this on my own timetable, and you’re right. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this before I was ready to deal with it.”

  I glare at him, and march to the foyer, grab my purse and keys, and slam the door behind me on the way to my car.

  As I begin to back out of the driveway, Steve comes to the door, yelling something. I don’t care. He can say he loves me all he wants, but his actions and words are not compatible. I slam my hand against the steering wheel, and then try to shake the pain out. I don’t even know where I’m going. I continue to ignore Steve, and I hear my phone beep.

  If he thinks he can text me some bullshit and get me to come inside, he is out of his mind. I pick up my phone and read the message.

  “Hey, are you having a good Sunday? I’m home if you feel like coming over for a swim.”

  I gasp and toss the phone on the seat, peeling out of the driveway. Luke may be uncomplicated in the sense that he has no ex, kids, pets or baggage of any kind, but he doesn’t love me. However, what the hell has love done for me lately?

  CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

  Tony coerced me into selecting a few of my paintings for his art show at the college, which is today. I took the day off to prepare myself, but I can’t help but call Gina for moral support.

  “I don’t want to know or see anything, but then I want to know and see everything.”

  “I understand, Sweetie, but lots of people have their loved one’s ashes. I’m sure he will get rid of them in time. She probably had a favorite place, and he’ll take Megan there to scatter them.”

  “I’m sure, but all of this should have been done before I moved in. And I was foolish to think I could handle it. Claire jokingly said last weekend that she isn’t buried in the house, so I shouldn’t worry about what I find. Well, her ashes are close enough to her body. The worst part is he doesn’t tell me anything. He just hides and pretends nothing is wrong. If he is in such major denial about the state of the house and of our relationship, I question the validity of everything he says.”

  “Did you ever think he feels guilty about you, too? About the way he’s handling things?”

  “Of course! But again, talking about it does not help anything. We are at a stalemate, each of us in our separate camps, and we are drawing enemy lines. Only now Megan is in between us. And I absolutely refuse to be the source of any more grief for that child. I made her brownies this week, and we talked about makeup and the music she likes. I actually like her much better than Steve.”

  “It’s too bad she isn’t older, but it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to try to get her to talk to Steve. He needs to take that lead, but I’m sure he will in time. Speaking of time, have you done any party planning yet? Isn’t it next Saturday?”

  “Yep, and I called Violet and she’s coming over Monday night while Steve in class. She plans weddings. She can finish planning a simple party at a neighborhood clubhouse.”

  “Wait, it’s in your old neighborhood? Aren’t you worried about Luke showing up?”

  “Gina, I am worried about every fucking thing imaginable, but he isn’t invited and hopefully he won’t find out. He pisses me off, too.”

  I explain how Luke invited me over under the pretense of letting me enjoy the pool, since he knows we don’t have one in Steve’s neighborhood, but I didn’t go.

  “He is not shy, huh? You can use that pool anytime, right? You don’t need his invitation. You still own the house, and you could also be Violet’s guest.”

  “Exactly. Steve and I just had a huge fight, but I decided having makeup sex with the wrong guy was not going to be a good way to channel my frustration and anger. That’s why Violet is coming to my house on Monday
. I am avoiding Luke Mendes.”

  “Sounds like a good plan. By the way, Tony said the art show should be spectacular, and that the add-on of your work and Noreen’s is a beautiful contrast of styles.” She pauses and adds, “I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s true. She was very talented. Steve is right about one thing. I am not mad at Noreen, I’m mad at him. I just need to find a way to do the right things by everyone involved, and I still haven’t figured that out.”

  Gina assures me that I will, however it seems I would have a better chance at solving quadratic equations. And if my math grades are any indication, it’s not looking good.

  Things at work have calmed down a bit since Pam was moved into the CEO role, which was a great choice. She said she has a solid external candidate in mind to replace her as Acquisitions Manager, and they are talking about promoting Gina to Editor-in-Chief. She is fairly new to Bella Donna, but has tons of industry experience. This would be a fantastic promotion for her, but I can’t say a peep until it’s finalized.

  My parents, as well as my brother and Paul, are coming tonight. Megan is bringing her boyfriend, Dylan. Claire and Brandon are coming. Violet. My new favorite person, Eve. All worlds will collide tonight.

  My biggest concern was when Megan asked Steve if he had invited Grandma Kathleen. He said he hadn’t, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing for Megan. Does she think Noreen’s mother should be invited? It certainly seems that she should be, since her daughter’s work is being featured, but I was not going to say a word. I have decided to be the quiet, sweet girlfriend. I am not fighting with him anymore. If I decide to leave, I am packing my stuff and leaving a note. There is one complication, though. Megan actually seems to like me.

  The evening rolls around quickly, and I change into a stylish, yet artistic outfit. My white, short sleeved column dress with the watercolor floral splashes is a bit tight this year. But if I suck my stomach in all night, it should work.

  Steve is beaming and talking about how proud he is that I have paintings in the exhibit. Then when Megan comes in the room, he spouts on and on about how proud she must be of her mother’s art. We look at each other in mutual sympathy for Steve, as he tries to balance his pleasing act.

  The three of us get in Steve’s car to head downtown. Megan’s boyfriend is meeting us there, after his shift at a popular restaurant. Dylan is also a student at the college. Now that I know she’s dating a college boy, I am even more worried about Megan.

  After the initial meet and greet with Tony and Gina, who look cozy again, and the other art department staff, we are all free to mingle in the large, open room with tile floors and high ceilings.

  “Rebecca and Steve, this is Dylan.” Megan introduces us to her nineteen-year-old boyfriend. He shakes both of our hands, and I am impressed with his eye contact and friendly demeanor.

  I notice Steve eyeing his wardrobe and the various pieces of hardware in his face, but as a former art student I know this is very typical of creative people. He has two small silver balls on either side of his lower lips, a diamond stud on the one side of his nose, and a black ring on the other side. I don’t see any tattoos, but it’s likely they are covered up, beneath his black, skinny jeans and his band t-shirt.

  “It’s nice to meet both of you. Your paintings are beautiful, Ms. Scarborough, as are Mrs. Hollister’s.” Dylan squeezes Megan’s hand and she smiles slightly and looks away toward her mother’s display.

  “Thank you, Dylan. I haven’t painted in many years, and Tony asked me to dig up a few things. Everyone seems to want me to get back into it. Do you paint?”

  Dylan begins to describe his art interests and areas of study. Apparently Tony, or Professor Melita, has been a strong influence on Dylan’s career direction.

  Steve has excused himself and moved on, presumably to greet his sister. I would much rather talk to the kids than listen to Eve gush over Noreen again. However, I am now torn on that issue because of Megan. It was much easier to be jealous of Steve’s wife than it is Megan’s mother.

  The conversation switches to Dylan’s other interests, and we laugh about my lack of knowledge of modern music. I spot Claire and Brandon, and pull them over, since they are well-versed in this subject.

  “Yeah, Rebecca almost had a coronary when I played Slipknot the other day. She’s a little lost in that arena, but her brownies are amazing.” She gives me the thumbs up, and I promise to make more treats for Dylan when he comes over.

  Brandon and Dylan start talking about his band, and Megan trots off to say hello to her Aunt Eve. Claire surveys the room and says, “Nice turnout. Tony throws a good party. Are you doing okay with all of this?”

  “Yes, it’s fine. I am actually excited about doing some art again.” I sip my red wine and gesture towards the kids. “Megan seems okay, right?”

  “She does. All teenagers will give you a hard time about being old, but I can see she isn’t out to make your life miserable. And the boyfriend is cute. He’s kind of like a younger version of Brandon, with the sandy blond hair and blue eyes, slight build. He looks like he could be his little brother.”

  My parents, brother and Paul find us, and I introduce them to Claire. My father is his usual cheerful self, but he hates art. My mother is praising me, and Ryan is beside himself with joy to see my work on display. Paul is gasping and fanning himself over the beauty of the art.

  “I told you this would be a good thing. Hey, her stuff is pretty awesome, too. Sorry.” Ryan looks sheepish and stares at his feet. “I wonder if the kid has inherited her talent.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry. Noreen was a very talented artist. I can’t deny that. The one with the caricature of that thin dark-haired girl carrying the shrunken skulls is especially interesting.” This sounds sarcastic, but I don’t mean it to be. The girl looks a bit like Megan, with her tiny features. The theme is creepy, but the colors are all blues, greys and pinks, giving it a pretty, yet macabre feel.

  Megan is looking at the painting now, and Steve is standing next to her. I avert my eyes to let them have their moment. I need to make sure that painting finds its way to Megan’s room. It isn’t huge, and it could fit on the bigger wall near her desk.

  Violet shows up a bit later, breathless but beaming. She grabs me into a hug and exclaims, “This is fantastic! I can’t wait until you do more work. Your landscapes are gorgeous, and I love the one with the red bird.”

  “Did you come right from home?”

  “Yes, why?”

  “Nothing. I was just wondering if you’ve seen much of Luke. Did he know about this?”

  “I saw him at the pool yesterday and I was going to mention it, but then I bit my tongue. I thought it would be a good way for me to ask him out, but I sacrificed my opportunity for your sanity. You have enough drama here with your family, Steve’s sister, and Noreen’s daughter. So how’s the boyfriend?” Violet grabs a glass of wine from the traveling waiter.

  “He seems like a nice kid, but he’s a bit older.”

  “Is she a good student?”

  “Well, that’s a funny thing. They tell me that she isn’t doing well in school, but I find it hard to believe she isn’t capable. Her mother was smart, and Dylan doesn’t seem like he would date a dumb girl. She just moved in a week ago, so I need to pace myself with the motherly intervention, but I have a feeling there is more to Megan than her father leads us to believe.” Changing the subject, I pause and blurt out, “So Luke didn’t know about this?”

  “You sound like you’re disappointed he isn’t here.”

  “I’m not. Well, maybe a little. He was supportive of my art. He encouraged me more than anyone, except for my brother. It’s just too bad some people have to be kept at arm’s length, but it’s better that way.”

  Finally, at the end of the night, Eve comes over to congratulate me on my work, and thank Tony for putting this together for Noreen. “That girl was so talented and not recognized in her life.” She sighs. “But that’s how it is
with all the great ones, right?”

  Steve clears his throat and ushers Eve to the door. I’m not angry at her tonight. Noreen deserves this moment, but I can’t bring myself to share that thought with Steve.

  CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

  It’s Sunday now, and Steve is mountain biking again. I decide to measure the walls in Megan’s room to see where some of the paintings might fit. She may not want to display photographs of her mother, but she must want some of her art.

  As I enter the room, I remember Winston. It’s a little smelly in here already. Hamster cages need constant maintenance to remain clean and fresh. Hamsters are like little pooping machines. I’m a little afraid he will bite me if I try to get in his cage, but at least I can check it out and see if we need to buy him anything. I’m sure Megan will appreciate that.

  I approach the cage and don’t see him. “Where are you, little Winston?” I close Megan’s door so Elsa and the cats can’t get in here to mess with (eat) him.

  Elsa isn’t aggressive, but my indoor cats seem to have a killer instinct. I have been letting them in the house while Megan is out so they aren’t trapped on the porch all the time. Steve hasn’t taken Megan to get any allergy medicine yet. I suppose that’s one more thing I will have to do.

  “Where the hell are you, Winston?” I peer inside his wheel, and survey the intricate network of tubes that form his play area. He could be sleeping under the fluffy, paper-like bedding.

  I find a pen on Megan’s desk and open the crate, gently poking around the bedding, but no Winston. The cage was locked. Is he a wizard hamster? Did the cats get to him? That’s impossible, though. The cage is fully intact. Uh, oh. These tube things aren’t that sturdy. I am able to pull one off with…oh crap. There’s one on the back that has fallen to the floor. That little asshole pushed his way to freedom. But did he crawl down the side of the crate? Megan didn’t have room on her dresser, so she propped his crate up on an upside down metal file holder from Steve’s office.