Learning to Live: An Enemy to Lovers Ugly Cry (The Infinite Love Series, Book 1)

by Kira Adams

  I lock eyes with his gentle gaze. Why me? My tongue feels heavy and dry as I try to put my thoughts together. I have no intention of taking the medication any earlier than we talked about, but I appreciate that the decision is ultimately my choice. I nod stiffly as he hands me a white paper sack.

  As I grip it in my hands, my heart begins to feel tight.

  My mother’s sobs turn into wails, and I feel numb. I shift my eyes over to her, and she has lost it. I know in any normal situation I would be right there with her…but I am still having trouble grasping the reality of the situation. I am in complete and utter shock. I simply nod.

  A year ago, I had dreams of becoming a writer. Now, I won’t live more than a couple of months after my eighteenth birthday. I always thought somewhere deep down inside myself I was destined for greatness. Now, I know it’s not that simple.

  Enjoy the rest of what life has to offer. Dr. Brown’s words replay in my head.

  My head begins to throb, reminding me that this is my reality. Although I’m having trouble grasping it…I can’t run from it.

  My mother has been crying since we left the doctor’s office. I have yet to shed a tear. When we return home, Rose and Wes are on their best behavior. They’ve never seen her like this before, and they don’t know what to do to make it okay. I just need some air. I just need a break from the tears. The more tears she sheds, the more real the situation becomes. I just want to go back to living in my fairy tale, the one where I’m bullied on a regular basis and I’m just trying to survive high school, not the one where I know my days are numbered.

  I take off without a destination in mind. I just need to get out of there. I’m in no shape to be running, but I ignore that and run until I can’t run anymore. Until my legs feel like Jell-O. Until I literally collapse onto the ground. I stare up at the sky, watching the sun fade into the background of the clouds. I don’t know how I ended up here, but I did. I’m on the school grounds.

  Because of my multiple appointments, I’ve missed quite a bit of school this week. I’ve always loved school, minus the bullying part. I’ve always loved expanding my knowledge on certain subjects and soaking up everything I can like a sponge. I look at the red brick building, committing it to memory.

  School let out a couple of hours ago, but there is football practice. I can hear the commotion over on the field. I walk over to the fence that borders the field and lace my fingers through it, watching the players tackle one another until I hear the coach blow the whistle to signal the end of practice. I’ve never cared for football, but it’s strange to think it won’t even matter in a short amount of time. Nothing will.

  Maybe I’m being punished? Maybe I deserve this?

  I fall back to the ground roughly amongst the scattered bits of grass, and I watch as our football team makes their way back into the locker room. Topher is there…somewhere. I’m not sure of his number, but he’s definitely amongst the pack.

  After he tried to kiss me the other day, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him or his lips. I don’t know what possessed him to attempt such a thing, but if his plan was to snake his way into my thoughts…he succeeded. I’ve thought about him non-stop until we walked into Dr. Brown’s office today. Maybe, somehow, I helped him change…

  I know now I can’t spend any more time with him, not when I know the outcome of my future is grim. It isn’t fair to him. It was probably a dare anyway. I’m sure he had a video camera ready to film when I succumbed to his charms…but for the brief amount of time I was able to dream about the what-ifs, it was beautiful.

  I pull the grass out of the ground and rub it between my fingers. There are so many things I wanted to accomplish before I died. Visit another state. Get a tattoo. Ride a horse. Even if money wasn’t an object, time is.

  My mind wanders to Mack. How am I going to tell Mack? Should I tell him? I don’t even know what the correct etiquette is with something of this caliber. Poor Mack. Who will he gossip with about the A-Team once I’m gone? Who will take my place?

  I’m still lost in thought when I see the front doors of the school open up, and I hear our football team bustling out. There are an array of voices lost in excitement over today’s practice and their upcoming game against Stayton.

  I should probably get back home. My mother is going to be worried sick. I don’t know how long ago I took off, but I do know the sun was out, and now the moon is rising to take its place. I stand up, my legs shaky from the exertion and everything from today in general.

  I begin making my way toward the parking lot, headed toward the street, then I hear his voice. I don’t even have to turn around to know it’s him. The goose bumps that rise all over my skin are confirmation.

  “Ciera!” he calls after me, and then I hear feet hitting pavement as he runs over.

  I don’t know if I can handle seeing him. Not when I know what I know now.

  “Hey,” he says softly when he reaches me. His cheeks are tinged pink from the cool weather and his heated practice, and it accentuates his blue-green eyes.

  I nod at him as a greeting but don’t bother responding.

  “Have you been avoiding me?” he asks. “I noticed I haven’t seen you in class much this week.”

  If only it were that simple.

  I shake my head slightly.

  Confusion spills over his face as he tries to understand me. “Where have you been?”

  A few weeks ago, if you would have told me Topher Carlson cared about my whereabouts, I would have choked from surprise. I would have never believed it. Now, I can see something has changed behind his eyes. I’m still not exactly sure what brought on the change, but it’s a good look for him.

  To be honest, I haven’t been too worried about missing school as everyone and their mother seem to be interested in our new friendship. It’s been difficult to walk down the hall without hearing the whispers or seeing the stares. Everyone wants to know why he changed his tune, why I matter.

  I shrug. “I had some appointments.”

  He nods. “Well, what are you doing here?”

  I look around at the school. “I went for a run and kind of ended up here…”

  He doesn’t even try to hide his surprise. “You run?”

  My cheeks instantly flame. “Sometimes.” It’s not like I don’t take ample amounts of breaks, but he doesn’t need to know that information.

  He breaks out into a grin. “I used to be on the track team. We should run together sometime.”

  Yeah. Right.

  I shrug. “Maybe.”

  He glances out at the parking lot, which is becoming emptier by the minute. A few of his teammates are pulling out, and some lean out passenger side windows to yell derogatory comments my way.

  “Just ignore them,” he says softly. “It’s what I do.” He shifts back and forth on his feet. “Do you need a ride home?”

  My legs do feel like they might break off, and I can already feel the blisters forming.

  What are you doing? You just said you need to distance yourself from him.

  “Yeah, if you don’t mind.” I guess my inner voice will just have to shove it.

  “Cool.” He begins walking toward a bright blue 2014 Mustang.

  “New car?” I motion to the car as he unlocks it.

  He shrugs. “For the moment.”

  “Must be nice,” I mutter under my breath as I climb in.

  The drive back is uncomfortably quiet. I know I should be trying harder to fill the silence, but my mind keeps wandering. Topher seems to notice the tension.

  “Is everything okay?” he asks, shifting his eyes between me and the road.

  I nod but still don’t say a word.

  “You’re really quiet,” he says under his breath.

  Although I know my time is limited, I’ve lived long enough to see the most popular guy in school change his tune and attitude, to see the most handsome guy I’ve ever laid eyes on show even a fraction of interest in me. A silent tear trickles down
my cheek, and then it’s as if the floodgates have been opened. I can’t stop it. The tears fall freely down my face and onto my pants.

  Topher turns his head toward me quickly a few times, and I know I can’t hide it. I feel the car slowing down, and then it’s pulled over to the side of the road. He turns off the engine but doesn’t say a word.

  I continue crying silently, which slowly turns into full-on wails. I’m pounding my fist into the dashboard angrily. I’m too young. I’ve never even been kissed. I’m never going to get to walk down the aisle. I’m never going to be able to carry my own child.

  I keel over and throw my head between my legs, hyperventilating. I am trying to get air into my lungs with no luck.

  I feel Topher’s hand gently rub my back. He’s rubbing it in a circular motion, and after a few minutes, my breathing begins to level out. I feel his hand leave my back, but the heat from his touch lingers. A couple of moments later, I hear him open his door and climb out of the car. My eyes are blurry from the tears, so I don’t bother moving an inch.

  My door opens up, and I feel the cool, brisk wind seep in. Topher reaches in, grabbing my hands, and lifts me up. I can’t even look him in the eyes. I’m sniffling and looking down. I feel defeated. He encircles me in his arms, pulling me in tightly. My heart begins to race from his touch. One of his hands is around my neck, holding me close, and the other has resumed its circular motion on my back. I can feel his chin on top of my head, and every now and then, his lips gently press against my hair, making the butterflies in my stomach act erratically.

  He doesn’t say a word. He just continues to hold me tightly in his arms. It’s comforting, and exactly what I need. I’m thankful he doesn’t ask why I’m crying, or why I broke down right in front of him. It’s as if he knows all I need right now is a friend, and even though there are things he’s done to me in the past that I may never forget, this is a huge step in the right direction to moving past them. Maybe I can forgive him. Maybe he deserves that.

  17

  I hold her silently until her breathing evens out, and her tears have long since dried up. The moon is illuminating the sky, and the sound of crickets and wind takes over our surroundings. Slowly, I begin to release her. I trace my fingers across her jawline gently. “You want to talk about it?”

  She leans into my fingers for mere seconds before turning her face away from mine, averting her gaze. “Can you take me home?”

  I simply nod.

  We climb back into the car, and the air has changed between us.

  I don’t know what it is about this girl, but seeing her hurt kills me. I want to beat up whoever made her cry, but she isn’t talking.

  I glance over at her in the darkened car, taking in her delicate features…her small ears, her long eyelashes, her cute nose. It’s like I’m seeing her for the first time. Ciera is not my type. She’s never been, but then again, neither was Sophia. Maybe I don’t even know my type.

  She’s definitely not skinny by any means, but I like the fact that I can’t break her in two. I like the fact that she has curves and meat on her bones.

  “You’re staring,” she whispers through a shaky breath, locking eyes with me quickly before shifting them back out the window.

  “Sorry,” I say sheepishly as I break the stare.

  But I’m not sorry. Not one bit. My eyes flicker back to her face and her reddened cheeks.

  I love the way her shorter hair accentuates her facial features. I love how the color brightens up her eyes and smile. Her blue eyes meet mine once more, but this time she doesn’t look away. I find myself drowning in her sapphire irises. Her cheeks grow redder by the second, but this time it doesn’t seem to be the tears causing it.

  She bites her bottom lip delicately, seemingly nervous. “What’s going on between us?” she asks.

  “We’re friends,” I answer simply, but I can tell she isn’t satisfied with my answer.

  She shakes her head softly. “Friends don’t kiss.”

  I sigh, running my hand over my short hair. She’s right. Friends don’t kiss. What is going on with me? Better yet, what’s going on with us?

  “You’re different than I thought.”

  “You barely know me,” she says softly, breaking the stare.

  “You’re Ciera Nelson. We’ve gone to school together for basically our entire lives. You’re the strange girl who doesn’t wear name-brand clothes, doesn’t look anyone in the eyes, and excels at school. You work at Regal Cinemas. I’ve seen you there a couple of times. You seem happy when at work, more like yourself. You have one friend I am aware of, Mack Turner, who cares about you more than you care to admit to yourself. You recently began a new friendship with Madalynne Johnson. Should I continue?”

  She glances back at me. “All stuff that is glaringly obvious.”

  “Your new hair and contacts give you a confidence you’ve never had before, and something changed in the past few weeks because you’ve been bolder. You carry yourself differently. You look people in the eyes. You don’t think having a gay father is a burden. You see it more as a blessing.”

  Her eyes shift nervously around the car.

  “Why didn’t you look anyone in the eye?” I’ve been wondering this for a while, just didn’t know the right time to ask it.

  She glances down at the floorboard, and I grab her chin, turning her face toward mine.

  “If I didn’t acknowledge them, sometimes they’d let me be. Sometimes they’d forget I was there. I could be invisible.”

  Pain shoots through my heart. I was one of the people who made her feel that way. I’m going to regret it for a long time. “What changed?”

  Her eyes share the same pain I feel. “Madalynne showed me my worth. She helped me understand that it’s not wrong to be treated like a human being. It’s my right.”

  I swallow, digesting her words.

  You were one of the people who made her feel like less than a human being. You were one of the assholes.

  “I’m sorry for the part I played in everything.”

  She shakes her head dismissively. “It’s okay.”

  “No, no it’s not.” I lean back against my seat. “I had an image to uphold and a reputation to live up to. I didn’t care about anyone but myself.”

  “And now?” she asks in a small voice.

  “Now I realize how stupid I really was…how wrong I was.” I sigh loudly. “You didn’t deserve anything we put you through. None of it. And I’m really sorry.”

  She inhales deeply as if she is letting my words wash over her, helping relieve her pain. “Thank you.” She rubs her hand across her jeans a few times. “You’ve changed too.”

  I cock my head to the side. “How?”

  Her blue eyes shift to meet mine. “You’re less of an asshole.”

  I fight a chuckle. “Thanks.”

  She smiles slightly. “You don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. Your reputation is the least of your worries.”

  She’s right. I wonder when I made this transition.

  “Go to the winter formal with me.”

  Her eyes widen at my suggestion. “I know you don’t care about your reputation anymore, but that would be full-on social suicide.”

  I shrug. “Who cares? Come with me.”

  She exhales deeply. “You should take someone you care about.”

  I grab her hand quickly, squeezing it as reassurance. “I want to go with you.”

  It’s small, but I notice a flicker of a smile on her lips. “I have nothing to wear.”

  “I’ll take care of that.”

  She sighs. “I don’t dance.”

  I shrug. “Neither do I. We can go and not dance together.”

  She turns her head so her eyes are facing out the window. She appears deep in thought. “We shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be right, and plus, I’m not interested in a pity date.”

  She is really making me work hard for it. “It wouldn’t be a pity date. There is no reason two friends can’t go
to the dance together and have a good time.”

  “We come from two different worlds,” she says quietly.

  “And your point is?”

  “You would never hear the end of it. Your friends would make sure I got punished for it.”

  “Let me take care of my friends. All you have to do is agree.” I’m trying to make it easy for her. I don’t give a shit about my friends. She’s right—I have changed.

  She nods gently.

  “Is that a yes?” I ask, squeezing her shoulder.

  She nods more aggressively, a smile playing upon her lips.

  I tap the steering wheel. “Ciera Nelson, I am going to give you the most magical winter formal experience…just you wait.”

  Her smile widens. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” I ask.

  “For making me forget what a shitty day I had.”

  Oh yeah. Even I had almost forgotten.

  I rub her shoulder softly. “Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?”

  I think my eyes are deceiving me when I make it home and the familiar red Mustang is in the driveway. I park my loaner in the usual place before hopping out and heading straight for her driver’s side window. I can hear loud pop music emanating from inside as I knock on the window. She turns the car off and opens the door slowly.

  “What are you doing here?” I decide to skip all pleasantries. We haven’t really talked since I called her and Joe out, and I haven’t really cared to make an effort.

  “Topher,” she says softly.

  “What are you doing here, Sophia?” I repeat my previous question.

  “I thought we could talk,” she replies timidly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

  “There’s nothing left to talk about,” I snap.

  She winces at my harsh tone.

  “Look,” she says gently, taking a step toward me. “I’m sorry for what I did. I really am, but you were checked out. You had been checked out for a while. Joe paid attention to me. He cared about what I had to say.”

  I grit my teeth, clenching my jaw. “When couples have a problem, they talk it out. They don’t sleep with their significant other’s best friend.”