by Kira Adams
24
The winter formal was more magical than I could have ever imagined. Topher was a complete and utter gentleman. Unfortunately, I only find myself falling deeper and deeper for him. I know we are at a point of no return now. We can’t stay away from one another any longer, and we don’t want to. With only two months left until the dreaded date, I know I want to get closer to him, as close as two people can possibly get, but I’m so inexperienced. Dating is all so fresh to me, and I haven’t known how to bring it up to him. Most people naturally progress in their relationship until they explore one another mind, body, and soul. Because my time is limited, we are going to have to fast-forward through a lot of it, and that scares me. I don’t know if it will hurt when we do it. I don’t know what to expect.
After the school dance, there was an unspoken understanding that Topher and I were together. We haven’t put a title on it yet, but he picks me up every day for school now. He kisses me in public and walks me to my classes, hand in hand. Mack hasn’t been too excited about the new development, but he’s kept his disdain masked. None of Topher’s friends speak to him anymore, except for the group we went to the formal with. His popularity has definitely been knocked down more than a few pegs, but he’s made it glaringly obvious that he doesn’t care about that.
My popularity has gone the complete opposite route. People I’ve never spoken to before suddenly know my name and go out of their way to talk to me. It’s been interesting, to say the least.
Last weekend Topher took me out for a few hours, south to Bend, where we enjoyed freshly fallen snow. We had one hell of a snowball fight, went sledding, and he even found an ice skating rink. Even though I was on my butt more than I was standing up, I had one hell of a time. He tackled me in the snow at one point, and even though the temperature was near freezing, the heat from his body sent flames throughout mine. I know it won’t be much longer before I will want to experience him in every way possible. The thought sends my heart into overdrive. I know when it happens, when we actually have sex, I am going to be at my most vulnerable to him, and that terrifies me. I’m a romantic, so I know when I decide I’m ready, it’s also going to be when I realize without a fraction of a doubt that I am head over heels in love with him. It’s a bittersweet feeling, loving someone so much you want to share yourself with them but knowing the feeling can’t last.
I’m worried about him. I’m worried about what will happen after I’m gone. He was fine before me and I know he’ll be fine after me, but I know it will take some time. I know it’s not going to be easy. It devastates me to think I will be the cause of his unhappiness. I just hope he’ll be able to move on. I just hope he’ll be able to find someone to give his heart to again, because he is a beautiful person. The past couple of months I’ve had to get to know him have been like a fairy tale. I don’t want him to shut himself off to love after I’m gone, and I definitely don’t want him to revert back to his old ways.
After the night of the winter formal, I took his advice and began writing a book. As it turns out, falling in love is a very positive motivator. I haven’t figured out a title for it yet, but it’s based a lot off of my real life. I’m rather enjoying the process of writing a book, and I wish I’d had the guts to start sooner.
In a couple of weeks, Christmas will be here, and I know it’s going to be even more emotional for me than Thanksgiving was. Not only will it be my eighteenth birthday, it will be the last year I’ll celebrate aging and Christmas. My mother has been breaking down more often, especially now that she told my siblings what’s going on. They’re still too young to fully comprehend exactly what is happening to me, but they know I won’t be around for much longer. They haven’t been fighting nearly as much, and I think it’s due to that. I’m going to miss my family so much. I just hope they take the time necessary to mourn the loss and then move on. I’ve heard what grief can do to people, how it can change them, and I hope it’s easier on my family.
Because we are in our senior year and Topher hasn’t exactly been passing his classes, I’ve been tutoring him personally so he will be able to graduate at the end of the year. Oregon State University offered him a full-ride football scholarship if he can get his act together. I want to see to it that he does. I’ve already been seeing improvement in the short time I’ve been working with him, so I am hopeful.
I still haven’t shown Topher my bucket list, but each week I have shared a few more items from it in hopes that we will be able to tackle them. I know it’s unrealistic to think I can conquer everything on the list, but I refuse to stop trying until it’s too late.
It’s Friday night, and I drop by Topher’s house so we can spend a lazy night in together. We’ve been out nearly every weeknight and every weekend. We’ve been looking forward to getting comfortable and simply watching a movie. It also gives us a reason to use his family’s theater room. I could spend every day at Topher’s and never get bored with how much there is to do at his house.
“Where’s your dad?” I ask as I pop a few popcorn kernels into my mouth. Topher is leaning over, popping a Blu-ray movie into the machine, and I am enjoying the view. When he turns around, I try to act stealth, but the smile that immediately forms on his lips tells me I’ve been caught.
“He’s out with Clarke.” He puts the movie case on top of the player then begins inching toward me. “Were you just checking out my ass?”
I can feel my cheeks growing hot. “What? No.” Definitely yes.
He lifts his eyebrows. “You totally were.” He chuckles. “You don’t need to lie. I check yours out all the time.”
“You do?” I ask, sounding much too eager.
He nods, a grin still plastered across his face.
“I’m a guy—can you blame me?”
I pull the blanket, which is wrapped around my legs, up close to my mouth, grinning into it.
He bends over in front of me, his eyes boring into mine. “To be honest, I’ve been checking you out in one way or another since before we started dating.”
“You have?” I ask in disbelief.
He nods. “You have one hell of a rack.”
I can feel the blush spreading from my cheeks down my neck. “You’re terrible!” I say, chucking a few kernels at his face.
He dodges them and then moves the bowl to the coffee table.
Instead of separate seating like an actual theater, their room is set up more intimately with a few couches scattered around. He places his hands on either side of me and leans in to kiss me. His lips press against mine, sending electricity traveling throughout my entire body. He maneuvers me so that we are lying down and he is on top of me, our legs entangled with one another’s.
We continue kissing passionately, ignoring the movie altogether. He moves his lips between my collarbone, my neck, and my ear, nearly driving me crazy. I’m panting heavily, feeling the warmth between my legs. As his hunger for me increases, he begins to rub against me. I can feel his hardness beneath his jeans, and it makes me smile knowing I turn him on.
“Hey, I have an idea,” I say breathlessly.
He stops moving for a moment, pulling back to lock eyes with me.
“What?”
“We’ve never used your hot tub before…” I trail off nervously.
He smiles back at me mischievously. “You want to go in the hot tub?”
I can tell I’ve excited him because he’s still erect through his jeans, and he has now moved completely off of me and is standing.
I shrug. “Yeah, why not? It’s Friday night.”
He nods. “Okay. I need to go get my swimming trunks.” Just as he is about to run out of the room, he curses. “Shit.”
“What is it?” I ask.
“You didn’t happen to bring a bathing suit with you, did you?”
I shake my head. “Forget your swimsuit. Let’s go in our underwear.”
His eyes widen as a smile plays on his lips. “Seriously?”
I nod, feeling the familiar flush of
my cheeks. I can’t believe I’m being so bold.
He shrugs his shoulders. “I think that’s a fantastic idea.”
He grabs us two towels, and we head out to their large back yard where the hot tub sits next to their pool. He drops the towels on the ground as he removes the cover. It is probably no warmer than forty degrees outside so we are both in winter clothing, but I immediately begin pulling at my sweater, lifting it over my head. I watch as his eyes linger on me intently, disappointed when he sees I have a spaghetti strap on underneath.
He tosses his hoodie off and to the side, his shirt immediately following. His body is one I will have dreams about long after tonight. His pecks, his abs—it’s what girls like me fantasize about. I’m nervous about him seeing my body. I’m not exactly skinny, but I’m not obese. I like to think I’m simply fluffy. I definitely don’t have a flat stomach likes the girls he’s used to, but I’ve grown to accept my body over the years. My love handles, the bit of skin that hangs over my jeans…it’s all part of what makes me who I am. I just hope he doesn’t run the other way when he sees it.
Slowly, I lift my spaghetti strap off. His eyes immediately travel to my problem areas, but he doesn’t look disgusted. It’s a step in the right direction. I see his eyes scan back up my stomach and directly to my chest. Thank God I chose to wear my black lacy bra today. It’s the only one I have that is even semi-sexy.
He reaches for the button of his jeans and slips them off, leaving him in a dark gray pair of boxer briefs. I can see the outline of his manhood pressed up against his underwear clearer now, and I have to avert my eyes. I fumble with the button on my own jeans and pull them off as well, leaving me in my hot pink and white polka dot undies.
His eyes travel down my body and then back up to my face approvingly. My heart does a summersault. Slowly, we both climb into the scorching hot water, and Topher turns on the jets so the water isn’t still and stagnant. It isn’t more than a few moments before we’re engaged in some serious tongue wrestling. Topher has positioned me so that I am sitting right on his lap and he is bouncing me up and down. Every time my body comes down, we rub against one another and he lets out a soft moan.
So this is what messing around feels like? It’s exhilarating and exciting, passionate and fiery.
I don’t know what is getting into me, but I’m finding guts I don’t even know I have. I reach around and unclasp my bra, pulling it off and dropping it to the ground.
“Whoa,” Topher exclaims excitedly. “We can slow down if this is too fast for you.”
He hasn’t had the chance to check out my breasts yet, but I lean into him, pressing them against his chest. “Number two: skinny-dipping,” I whisper seductively into his ear.
He pulls his head back, his eyebrows rising. “This list just keeps getting better and better.”
He wraps his arms around me tightly and then kisses me on the lips. He sucks my bottom lip between his teeth, teasing me before he sets me on the ground of the tub. I watch as he reaches underneath the water, and he brings his hand back up with his boxer briefs before tossing them to the ground.
He stands there, waiting for me to do the same, which I do. With the bubbles from the jets, we can see the color of our skin underneath the water, but not much else. His eyes rake over my chest hungrily as he reaches out his hand and grips my breasts, softly squeezing. I throw my head back against the surface of the water, enjoying the touch of his hands.
If I’m not careful, I’m not going to be able to stop him, and I’m not sure I’m ready to go all the way just yet. His lips have moved back to my neck as his hands continue massaging my breasts, but I push him away lightly. He looks back at me with a confused expression.
“This isn’t really skinny-dipping,” I say softly.
“Oh no?” he counters.
I shake my head before jumping out of the water completely naked and making a running leap into the pool.
As I come up for air, I notice Topher’s eyes fixated on me from the hot tub. Yep, he definitely just got an eyeful. “Well, are you coming or not?” I tease.
He shakes his head, chuckling to himself before he too hops out of the tub and makes a run for the pool.
25
It’s winter break, so we are out of school for the next week and a half. Christmas is in a few days, along with Ciera’s birthday, and I know one of the goals from her list is going to a theme park. I’ve been planning this for a few weeks now, but I know that this is also the last Christmas she will get to spend with her family, the last birthday she will get to celebrate, so I’ve been coordinating everything with her mother.
My father asked what I wanted for Christmas, and my answer was a miracle. It obviously isn’t something he can make happen, so he did something else equally as meaningful: he paid off all the Nelsons’ medical bills. They’ve been drowning in them for so long, and I know that’s why Ciera’s mother has had to work such long hours. Because of this, she was able to request some personal paid time off, and now we are on a secret holiday trip to Disneyworld.
My father and I have been getting along better, so I suggested he invite Clarke. It’s still strange, the idea that he prefers men, but I am starting to understand that it isn’t about me. I have Ciera to thank for that.
We were able to get first class tickets, and judging by the matching expressions Ciera and her siblings are wearing, I can make an educated guess they’ve never been on a plane before. I know I need to do this trip now, because Ciera’s doctor mentioned that very soon it won’t be safe for her to fly. The pressure from being so high up in the air has the possibility to cause an aneurysm, and her safety is my top priority.
Her eyes are big and wide as she stares out the window at the white clouds below. “The pilot already announced that we are headed to Florida. Do you want to tell me where we’re going now that he’s spoiled the surprise?”
I squeeze her hand in mine, bringing it up to my lips to lightly kiss it. “Nope.”
She sighs loudly, turning her eyes back to the window.
The flight is over five hours, and there is a movie on board, Maleficent. Rose and Wesley are silent as they listen through the complimentary headphones. Ciera attempts to stay awake through the entire flight, but a few hours into it, I see her drifting off. Soon enough, she is slumped over on my shoulder. Her fatigue has been getting worse as we near the date. I know we won’t be able to have adventures like this much longer.
The idea that she might not be in my life soon has been eating away at me little by little. I try to keep it to myself, knowing we need to keep things positive, but in the solace of my own room, I cry myself to sleep most nights. I don’t understand why this is happening to her…of all people. She is selfless and caring, genuine and smart. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people, but they do every day. She tells me we will meet again, in another life, in another time, but I can’t accept that. I don’t want to know what it is like to live a life without her spirit. I know it’s inevitable, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.
My father is sparing no expense on this trip. He told me a few weeks ago that he noticed a change in me, something he’s been hoping for, wishing on. He knows it’s Ciera and her effect on me. When the plane lands, we grab our luggage from the baggage check and head straight outside, where a white limo awaits us.
“This is so cool!” Rose exclaims excitedly as she hops in behind Wesley.
Ms. Nelson turns her head to my father. “A limo? You didn’t have to…”
He shrugs. “It’s nothing, really.”
Ciera and I round up the group, but before we climb in, she stops me. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” I reply.
“Not for this, Topher. For everything these past couple of months. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to go through this all alone. You’ve been my rock.”
I stroke her cheek gently with my finger and then lean in to press my lips to hers.
“Gross!” I hear Wesley shout f
rom the inside the car. “We can see you!”
We pull apart and both chuckle before climbing into the limo.
Disneyworld is an amazing place to experience around Christmas time. They have endless parades, lights everywhere, every Disney character you could imagine, live entertainment, and fireworks. We spend Christmas Eve taking in the outrageous display alongside our family members, and at one point, I pull Ciera aside.
“You want to go for a walk?” I ask.
She nods, her eyes sparkling.
“We’ll be back,” I toss over my shoulder as we make our way through the crowded area.
“Where are we going?” she asks as we stroll hand in hand.
I shrug my shoulders. “I just wanted some alone time with the birthday girl.”
She smiles, but her eyes look sad.
“What is it?” I question as we stop walking.
Tears begin welling up in her eyes. “This.” She points around us. “You. It’s perfect.”
I smile slightly, cupping her chin. “Then why are you sad?”
She shies away from my touch. “I wish this feeling could last forever,” she whispers.
My heart squeezes from her statement. “It can.”
She shakes her head slightly, staring at her shoes, and then slowly lifts her eyes up to meet mine. Tears are trailing down her cheeks, but her eyes are full of a different emotion altogether.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I swallow, digesting her words. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I love her.
I kiss her quickly, savoring this moment, memorizing the way she looks in the illuminated park, memorizing the way I feel about her. When I break the kiss off, I press my forehead to hers gently. “You have no idea how much I love you.”
She giggles softly and then a sob escapes her throat.
“Oh, baby,” I murmur, pulling her into me and wrapping my arms around her body.