by Kira Adams
She is crying now, each sob racking her body. My eyes begin to blur as well, but I need to hold it together…for her.
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” I whisper into her ear. “I was numb before you. I didn’t care about anyone or anything, and then I saw you at that football game with Madalynne and you lit a match inside me. It burned slowly at first, and I didn’t understand how I could feel anything for a girl like you. But then, I spent more time with you. I got to know the person you are inside, and I realized no one had ever made me feel alive like you did.”
I pause, taking a step back so I can look into her eyes as I deliver the next bit of my confession.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve hurt a lot of people, but you were the first person who truly made me feel remorse. You were the first person that held me accountable. I do regret the things I put you through, but if I had the chance to go back, I wouldn’t change a thing because they led me to you.”
She inhales deeply, her body shaking. “I used to watch you. I couldn’t understand how someone who had everything could be so ungrateful. You were like a robot, going through the motions but devoid of any real feelings. I never imagined I would be the one to help bring about a change inside of you.”
I sigh. “After my skiing accident, they prescribed me Vicodin. The pills were addictive, and soon, I found myself taking them solely for the purpose of escaping reality. They made it easier not to care. I was depressed and they gave me a release.”
Her facial expression looks pained. “Are you—”
I cut her off with a simple shake of my head. “Nope. After that day at the party, I dumped them all down the toilet. You maneuvered through life without the help of pills, and it made me realize what a wuss I had been. I envied you. We barely knew one another then, but you were the reason I quit.”
She blushes at my strong confession.
“I have something for you,” I reach into my pocket, pulling out the diamond necklace I recently purchased. Ciera’s eyes grow wide as I step behind her and slip the chain around her neck.
“Seriously?” she asks as I feel her fingers grip the diamond-encrusted heart.
“Seriously,” I answer as I close the clasp and spin her around. “It looks great on you.”
She stares down at the pendant, rolling it between her fingers.
“Happy birthday, Ciera. I know it’s not really a happy time, but I want you to look back on this day with a smile.”
Fireworks begin to explode in the sky, and her eyes shift to witness the display. I step behind her again, wrapping my arms around her body and resting my chin on her shoulder. I feel her deep intakes of breath as she enjoys the show. It’s times like this I wish I could remain in forever.
“What are you doing?” Ciera asks groggily, lifting her head from the pillow.
“Can’t sleep,” I say quietly, although we are the only two present. Due to the early hour, my mind automatically adjusts my tone.
She blinks her sleep-filled eyes a few times before rubbing them and tossing the comforter off her body. She hops out of bed, slowly making her way toward me. She is wearing only my shirt, and it barely covers her ass as she crumples onto the floor next to me. The heat from the fireplace is cozy, and I pull her into me. Pushing her hair out of her face, I kiss her lightly on the side of the head.
She leans back into me, closing her eyes. “You okay?”
She never ceases to amaze me. No matter what she is going through, she always makes it a point to worry about me. It’s like she has superpowers. “Yeah,” I say, nuzzling my face into her hair. “I was just thinking about the future.”
We have had this conversation endless times, in various different ways and moods. It never gets any easier. Thinking about life without Ciera is brutal. It’s such a strange thought to think I lived so much of my life without her up until now. I still have so much time to make up for.
Her arms wrap around me, and this time, instead of me holding her, it’s the other way around. She squeezes tightly, her face nestled into my chest. “You have no idea how much I am going to miss you…miss this.”
“Can we stay here forever?” I ask, semi-jokingly. If it were an option, I’d take it in a heartbeat. No matter the repetition, as long as we had each other. Ciera presses her lips against my neck.
When my father bought us the tickets for Disneyworld, it was all so bittersweet. We were going to the happiest place on earth for one of the bleakest reasons in the world. I wouldn’t change it for anything because it’s given us all time together with Ciera that was much needed. Her siblings have gotten to experience the theme park with their sister, which will probably be the last time for anything like this because her strength is waning.
“Your birthday is almost over. What is one last wish you have? Preferably something I can make happen…”
She spins around, locking eyes with me. “I have everything I could have ever asked for or wanted. This was the best birthday ever, even though we both know it’s the last one.”
Hearing her acknowledge it doesn’t make it any easier. “Hey, hey, hey…I thought we said no more negativity. We have to stay positive.”
Her eyes lower, and sadness washes over them. These past few weeks have been tougher than usual for all of us. It’s been such a bittersweet feeling being able to spend such uninterrupted time with her but knowing it will all be coming to an end soon. It’s gut-wrenching.
“Topher,” she says, in such a fragile tone it only makes me grip her tighter. “I’m scared.” It’s the first time she’s admitted it out loud to me. Of course, I knew she was terrified, but hearing her say it makes me realize she has been holding back so much for the sake of all of us. She has been so worried about our feelings; she hasn’t been forthcoming about what she’s going through. The mental turmoil must be eating her alive.
She releases me and appears so small and broken. For so much of this process, she’s been my rock, my strength, but for once, I’m finally seeing her clearly. Reaching my hand out, my fingers caress her shoulder. “It’s normal to be scared. That means you are doing something right. Something I’ve realized recently is that the things that scare the shit out of you are always worthwhile.”
She nods slowly, a silent tear running down her cheek. It doesn’t make it far before I’ve wiped it away.
“I’ve told you plenty of times before to call this off. It’s not too late. Stay with me a little longer.”
She shakes her head angrily, pulling away from me and then standing. “I may be scared, but nothing could make me wither away in front of the people I love and care about when there is an easier, less painful route. There is no reason to draw out their suffering or mine. We are not going to have this conversation again.”
To be fair, she’s right, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I will fight for her until my last dying breath. Unfortunately, the way things will play out, I won’t get that chance. We will never grow old together, have children. Before her life has even begun, it will end, and she will merely be a memory, a feeling, a thought. The idea has been haunting me for months.
Taking hesitant steps toward her, my arms reach out. She doesn’t push me away, allowing the embrace. My fingers trace over her cheeks, wiping away her tears. My lips follow, kissing them away. Our lips find one another and it’s delicate, passionate, and emotional. With each parting of our lips, the tension grows. My hands are tangled in her hair, my lips are wrapped up in hers, and there is nowhere else in the world I’d rather be. If this were our last moment together, it would feel perfect to me. Thankfully, it’s not. We still have a little time left, and I plan to make the most of it. Picking her up in my arms, I carry her back to bed.
26
Christmas came and went, taking the New Year along with it. My time is running out, and I feel it every day. While we were in Florida enjoying the amazing gift the Carlsons got us, I managed to land myself in the hospital not once, but twice from seizures. Rose and Wesley were
terrified. I felt so bad. I hate to be a burden. I hate to be a cause of their uneasiness, and I sure as hell hate everyone walking on eggshells around me.
I’m noticing changes that are taking place inside my body and to my body that are hard to accept. I’m forgetting people’s names, faces, important dates, and more. My short-term memory is getting worse, and Topher has been helping me keep a memory journal that he encourages me to read each and every day. My hearing has been going in and out, replaced by a low buzzing, and I’ve been to the emergency room twice in the past week for nausea and vomiting.
Dr. Brown says the tumor is aggressively attacking my body, much quicker than even he anticipated. I know it’s still my decision on when to take the Secobarbital I was prescribed, but I’m not ready. I still haven’t been able to experience everything I want to yet. I’m still too young. Dr. Brown also suggested I don’t sleep on a couch anymore, so Topher and his father have been kind enough to set me up with a room in their house. I feel bad spending time away from my mother and siblings, but they are welcome over anytime.
I stopped going to school a week ago. It was too much for me. It mentally exhausted me to the point I couldn’t get out of bed for nearly twenty hours some days. It just doesn’t make sense to continue to go in, when I’m not even going to make it to graduation. You can say a cynical attitude is what I have adopted. It’s almost as if Topher and I have reversed roles. Depression is taking hold of me, and it’s difficult to see the positives in anything these days. I know this is all caused by the tumor, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Topher is trying to stay strong for me, but I can see through his façade. Some days I awake to find him drenched in sweat, and other days I can hear the screams from the nightmares that claim his mind. I appreciate that he tries to hold it together for me, but some days I long for a pity party where we simply cry all day for the life we know we will never get to experience together.
He has a calendar on his wall, and every time he marks off a day, I see how much it takes out of him. Some days I feel guilty for coming into his life and giving him something so great that we both know can’t last. Other days I know I wouldn’t be able to make it through this without him.
I glance at the clock on the nightstand. Topher should be home any minute.
I’ve been nearly helpless this week, and I want to do something special for him. I forced myself to take a shower over an hour ago and have since managed to both do my hair and put on a little makeup. I race down the stairs to the kitchen area and open the fridge.
Neither Topher nor his father enjoy cooking, so we’ve had takeout six out of the seven days in the last week. I’m just wanting something a bit healthier, something that takes effort to make. I open a few of the cupboards along with the freezer to get a good idea of everything I am working with. Shortly after, I’ve decided on pork chops with brown rice and vegetables. I begin by placing the pots and pans on the stove, and I start the preparations.
Topher strolls through the front door fifteen minutes later. He’s so used to me being in bed, and I hear him head directly upstairs. When it’s obvious I’m not in my room, I hear the barreling of footsteps heading back downstairs and finally toward the kitchen. “There you are,” he says gently as he approaches me.
He is wearing a teal and black plaid button-down shirt that brings out his eyes. His hair looks disheveled like he drove in a convertible with the top down. I know this is probably the case as he was raving about the new car he’s been driving around, which I haven’t been in yet.
He comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my body and placing a kiss on the back of my head. “What are you doing?”
I spin around so I’m facing him. “Cooking. What does it look like?”
He cracks a smile. “Well, obviously, but why?”
I shrug. “I felt like a home-cooked meal.”
He chuckles. “The takeout finally get to you?”
I shake my head dismissively. “Don’t you ever feel empowered to make something yourself?”
He rubs his hand across his face before releasing me and taking a seat at the island.
“That’s right. I forgot you’re a guy.” I stick my tongue out at him.
“Have you spoken to your mom today?” Topher asks, one of his eyebrows rising suspiciously.
I shake my head no. “Why?”
“She called a few times while I was at school. I figured you were just sleeping. Where’s your phone?”
I look around me and then remember it’s still by my bedside. “Upstairs.”
“You haven’t checked it at all today, have you?” he asks, already standing up. I assume he is going to fetch it for me.
“I’m sorry I’m not married to my phone like you are,” I tease.
“Hey!” Topher exclaims, running toward me.
“Ahhh!” I shriek before dropping the spatula I’m holding and darting out of the room. I can hear his heavy footsteps behind me, but I continue booking it up the stairs.
Before I even step foot inside my bedroom, I feel Topher’s body colliding with mine and we both fall onto the bed. We’re laughing hysterically, and I attempt to catch my breath.
He is positioned on his side, his elbow propping him up as he sweeps my hair gently from my face. “My dad has a date with Clarke tonight. He won’t be home until later.”
I know why he’s mentioning this—because we haven’t had the luxury of alone time since I moved in. My heart begins beating ferociously in my chest, and for the first time, it’s because I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a while. I have a little bit of energy today, and I’m not suffering from any headaches.
I take his face in my hands, taking the time to appreciate it before I lean in and kiss him passionately. This is my way of letting him know we are on the same page. He moans softly into my mouth, and I know he’s received the message loud and clear. I rip my shirt off, surprising him.
“Now?” he exclaims, startled.
“Well, no, not if you don’t want to,” I say playfully. I reach for his shirt when he grips my wrist, stopping me.
“Not so fast, missy!” Before I can make another move, he has maneuvered my body down to the pillows at the head of the bed. He is on top of me, staring down into my eyes. Without breaking eye contact, he slowly pulls his shirt off, tossing it to the ground. My hands immediately go to his chest, my fingers trailing down it.
His eyes flutter from my touch. He kisses me again, pulling my bottom lip between his and sucking on it lightly. He moves his mouth to my neck and places a trail of kisses along it. I’m already in ecstasy from the simple moves he’s making. He runs his hands up my arms and then threads his fingers between mine. With our hands entwined, he lifts them up above my head and continues his kissing trail down my collarbone, and then to my shoulder. He places a kiss dangerously close to the strap of my bra before he releases my hands and slips a finger between my bra strap and shoulder.
He locks eyes with me once more to make sure it is okay for him to continue. I nod lightly, giving him the okay before he slips the strap down my arm. He does the same move with the other side, and then he takes one of his hands and pulls my breasts out. He admires my naked chest before continuing. “You have no idea how long I’ve been fantasizing about this moment.”
I giggle softly, blushing. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I do.”
He shakes his head, laying it down onto my chest, his lips dangerously close to my breast. I can feel his warm breath on my skin, sending tingles down my spine and out my toes. Between his hands and his mouth, Topher definitely knows what he is doing.
He reaches for my underwear, and I stop him. “Do you want to use protection?” I ask. In a normal situation, this would be a no-brainer, but I am dying anyway and I’m a virgin, so I don’t have any diseases I could transfer to Topher.
He pulls away from me slightly. “Don’t you?”
I shake my head. “I have less than three weeks to live. I want to experience all of you. I w
ant to feel all of you.”
His eyes soften.
“Don’t,” I say softly.
“What?”
“Let’s keep the emotions out of it. We can cry when it’s over, but it will just kill our mood.”
He cocks his head to the side. “When did you become so logical about all of this?”
I shrug, pulling him back down to me, pressing my lips to his.
Topher makes sure I get to experience all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. He handles me gently and with care. I’ve never felt closer to another human being before. After we take the time to explore every inch of each other’s bodies, I can’t tell where he ends and I begin.
They always say the first time is awkward, uncomfortable, and underwhelming. While there were a few uncomfortable moments, the majority of it was beautiful. Being able to give myself fully to Topher and see vulnerability in him in the same state is an incredible feeling. I’m feeling more confident about the short amount of time I have left. In the past few months, I’ve been able to tackle nearly every item on my bucket list, thanks to my loving boyfriend. I’m beginning to wonder what the next chapter will be for me, once I pass on. It’s much better than feeling sorry for myself.
27
She’s fading slowly, and before we know it, she’s going to be merely a memory. My anxiety grows as the day nears. I’ve known for a long time that her grim outcome was inevitable, but I couldn’t prepare myself for it. I didn’t want to.
With only one week left until the red circled date on the calendar, I know we’ve run out of time. Her family is here every day now. A few days ago when Ciera finally got the chance to call her mother back, she found out that her father was in town. She had never met him before, being a product of a one-night stand, but something compelled Ms. Nelson to call him, and he actually came.
At first Ciera didn’t want to see him. She had made it through her entire life without his help. But, after some discussion, I helped her realize that if she didn’t take the opportunity now, she wouldn’t get it again. We agreed to go to dinner with him. It will take nearly everything out of her, but I know it will be worth it in the end.