Core of Steel

by J. B. Havens

  ****

  I was back at the bar, flirting with Willie like I wanted to since I first got here. Now that the team was as settled as they were going to get, I could focus on what I wanted. Willie was deep in conversation with a patron further down the bar. The man had had far too much to drink and Willie was making sure he wouldn’t be driving. Willie-free for the moment, I looked around me, taking note of who of the team was still here, and who had paired off. Pierce had both hands on the blonde’s face and was kissing her like he was drinking from her. Good for him. Jordon was at a different table in the corner, running his hand up and down the arm of a brunette. I focused on that hand, seeing him smooth it up and down. I could see her shudder and shiver from the touch. He stood and offered her his big hand. She smiled a shy, sweet smile and took it. They walked past me toward the door, holding hands like teenagers. I met his deep green eyes for a second. His expression didn’t change at all, but he gave me a tiny nod as he passed me. He slid his arm across the woman’s shoulders before opening the door for her and leaving the bar. There was a break in the music and I heard the beautiful rumble of his Judge starting up and backing out. Chris had taken my words to heart and I would as well.

  Willie announced last call and poured the final drinks of the night to the few people remaining. When they were handed out, he came back to me.

  “Here, take this and meet me upstairs luv,” He slid his key across to me with a smile and a wink. “I’ll be up in a few, once the last of ‘em leaves. The others can do clean-up tonight.”

  “I’ll be waiting, eagerly. It’s been too long, boy-o.” I took the key and gave Willie a wink, earning me a smile in return.

  “Aye, luv, it has.” He stared at me for a minute, putting everything burning inside both of us in that stare before answering a call down the bar with a wave. I felt the aching in my gut and sweat on my palms. Oh yes, it had been much too long.

  Exiting the bar, I made my way up the barely visible staircase on the side of the building. I was always surprised that as someone who had survived a house fire, Willie was willing to live on the second floor of any building. He has a sturdy fire escape off his bedroom though, so it must be enough for him. Wiping my feet on his mat, I entered his home. It was small, but very comfortable; clean and tidy but with some everyday clutter. A small stack of mail was on the side table, along with some keys and a radio. I turned it on low, finding it was already on a soft rock station. Willie knows me and my love for music and hatred of silence. While I was the only woman he had any sort of long-term relationship with, I was also the only one he allowed in his home. He had a long-standing rule of not hooking up where he sleeps, which is a good rule. At first, it was because I didn’t have a place to take him but now it’s no different than a friend being in your home.

  Walking through the casual living room with its flat screen and reclining couch, I passed through the open floor plan to the kitchen. His kitchen was much loved and used. There were a few dirty dishes in the sink and a jar of pickles on the cream granite counter. His kitchen was all light warm woods, cool colors, and stainless appliances. I grabbed two bottles of water from his fridge and went down the short hallway to his bedroom. I turned on the small lamp on his dresser. It lent just enough light to see, but not so much as to be intrusive. Soft and romantic. As romantic as either of us got, anyhow. I considered stripping, but left it for Willie. Instead I took off my shoes and sat in the only chair in the room; a deep soft cushioned chair tucked into the corner. Uncapping my water I took a drink and propped one ankle on my knee. Settling in to wait, I allowed myself to zone out a bit; not thinking of anything in particular, just enjoying the peace and soft tones coming from the radio.

  It wasn’t long before I heard Willie’s shuffling footsteps coming down the hall. I dropped my foot to the floor and stared at him with hooded eyes as he came into the bedroom. He stripped off his shirt as he walked toward me; toeing off his shoes in a practiced move, not missing a single step in his long strides. The soft light reflected on the shiny white scars dribbled over his arm and part of his chest. I licked my lips, remembering the feel of them under my tongue. His muscles stood out against his skin. He wasn’t massively built like my men, but he was toned and strong. His body was firm from years of manual labor. A slight softening around his belly was no deterrent for me. It made him real, made him a regular person who didn’t exercise six days a week to keep in shape for missions. I dragged my eyes up his torso, along his scars and up to his firm jaw. Full lips made up a mouth created for kissing. His eyes darkened with the knowledge that he would get all of me tonight. All that I could give him, I would.

  “You’re overdressed for what I have in mind for you, luv.” Willie spoke softly drawing me to my feet. These moments with him were the only times I could completely let go and just be a woman, not a commander or interrogator, not an officer or responsible for the lives of others. He made me forget the smell of gunpowder and the feel of steel. He reminded me that there is a different kind of strength to be had: the strength of a man’s arms around me; the strength of letting go and just being held; the strength of feeling the skin of my lover warming to my touch and mine to his, with the heat of a kiss, and the brush of a hand down my back.

  “It would appear so,” I said, as I slowly pulled my shirt over my head. His hands followed its progress stopping at my bra, and unhooking it with ease and swiftness. His hands quickly covered me where my bra had moments before.

  “I like that you have no new scars, Bea. I worry when you are gone. Just like I know you are here tonight because soon you will be gone from me again.” He looked into my eyes while he flexed his fingers, drawing a sigh from me. This was unlike him. He usually didn’t bring this up.

  “You know I can’t tell you anything. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. It’s not something you want to know. My job is off limits, Willie. It has to be. You make me forget for a while, and that is enough for me.” I did what I had been aching to do all night. Starting at his face, I ran my hand down his scars, feeling the bumps and ridges in his cheek and neck. Continuing down his arm to his hand, I flipped it over and traced the star in his palm with my fingertip. I kept my eyes on his face as I brought his palm to my mouth and laid soft kisses on each point before tracing the star with my tongue.

  “Just come back to me, Bea. Thanks all I’m asking. I don’t need to know more than that. Just come back and come back whole.” He cut off my response with his mouth, and I promptly forgot what I was going to say. I forgot the mission; I forgot Chris and our drama. I let go of everything, but the feel of his hands on my body and the slight taste of whiskey in his mouth. My cares and worries fell away along with my pants, as we landed on the bed in a heated tangle of limbs and soft whispers.

  I let go… of everything. I fell into Willie’s embrace with my whole body and mind. My heart I kept apart, out of necessity and self-preservation. My last conscious thought before losing myself to Willie’s clever hands and mouth was that this was probably going to be the last time. I couldn’t allow Willie to care. I didn’t want anyone outside of my team to miss me if I didn’t come home. I couldn’t bear to be the reason for someone’s grief.

  Chapter 12

  The silent alarm on my phone had it vibrating across the end table. Swiping it to shut it off, I checked to see that Willie was still asleep. Once he was out not much would wake him. The moonlight lit half his face while casting the rest of him in shadow. Even in sleep his scars still pulled his cheek tight. It looked strange when the rest of his face was slack. These were some of the things that I adored about him. But like he said, I had to leave him again. Tomorrow morning to be exact. Today would be full of packing gear and de-briefing, checking our gear and then checking it again. These were the last quiet moments I would have for some time.

  Propped on my elbow, I watched Willie sleep. Carving this time into my memory so I could carry it with me no matter where I went. I didn’t love Willie in the sense many would think. I loved him as
much as I was able. After last night, I knew he felt the same. We would never be each other’s one and only, but we would be each other’s sometime and right now. Last night was very different for both of us, closer and more intimate than we had ever been even though we had made love countless times. I’d always thought that if life had dealt me a different hand, Willie would be it for me. My very own Irishman. But life has not been kind to either of us. Willie is just lucky enough to wear his scars where everyone can see them. They are easier to look past. My thoughts skipped back to the flashback I had in front of Chris. That was the first and only time that had ever happened. I do everything I can to make sure that I am alone when they happen. I don’t want people to see my scars. Chris treated it as if wasn’t too big of a deal, when in reality it was. If Jackson found out I had flashbacks, no matter my rank or experience, I would be out of Steel.

  Rolling onto my back, I flung my arm across my eyes. Thinking about Chris would get me nowhere. Ever. The night I had just had with Willie had erased him from my thoughts for a while but, he was back. We were leaving in a day and I would have to work and fight with Chris, be as close as two people can be outside of the bedroom. I had to trust him in ways you don’t have to trust a lover. I had to trust him with my very life and the lives of my men. I had to shake the gut-wrenching fear of him being in danger, being captured or injured, killed, even. I had the same issues before any mission, felt the same helpless fear for my men every time we leave the compound. I needed to shake this now just like I have the other times. I told myself that it wasn’t that Chris was different, just that he was untested.

  Lowering my arm, I looked at Willie. Here I was lying in bed beside a man and thinking of someone else. Pretty shitty of me. Willie deserved better than me. He deserved someone who didn’t have to leave for parts unknown on a moment’s notice. He deserved someone with a regular job, a nurse or teacher. Someone good, who didn’t have hands coated in the blood of her enemies. Someone who didn’t know how to field strip a weapon blindfolded or know the best place to deliver a fatal knife wound so that her victim makes no noise. I work for the government; everything I’ve done and everyone I have killed has been sanctioned and justified. It has not come without a price. It’s a price I am willing to pay, one I have been paying. Willie didn’t need me, or my mess, in his life.

  I left the bed as softly as I could so I didn’t wake him. You never know, he could be a light sleeper since the last time I was here. I dressed quickly and quietly and went into the living room. Sitting on the couch to put on my shoes I saw a pad and pen on the coffee table. Never before did I bother with a note. I always just left. This time was different. Everything felt different with Willie since last night and it wasn’t something I could allow. I couldn’t have him worrying about me when I was gone or dreading me not returning. What he didn’t know, is that if I were to be killed on a mission, he wouldn’t find out, I would just be gone. No one would bring him a flag and a medal. There was none of that for us in Steel. I needed to let Willie go, for good, before I hurt him for real. Taking up pen and paper I prepared to say goodbye to my peace and to Willie.

  ****

  Across town Jordon was unknowingly doing the same thing as Mic. He crept from the brunette’s bed. She told him her name but he didn’t bother to remember it since he knew he wouldn’t be seeing her again. He usually didn’t sink down to the level of anonymous one night stands, but when a man is about to leave and maybe not return, it changes the perspective one has on these things.

  He gathered his clothes, pulling them on as he went, quietly making his way to the door. He didn’t bother with a note. This girl knew the score before inviting him into her bed. He wasn’t that much of a callous jerk. He had made it very clear this was a one-time thing and that she would probably never see him again. Carrying his shoes, he left her tiny apartment, softly closing and locking the door on his way out. He sat on the steps outside her door to put his shoes on, checking the time as he did so. He had hours yet until he had to be back on base, but he figured he’d head back now. A shower was a must; that woman was great in the sack, but he could smell her perfume all over him. Some sleep was also a must before the chaos that tomorrow was sure to be. It would be the last time he slept in a real bed for a while, and he wanted to enjoy it while he could.

  Back in his car driving to the compound, he was about to pass Finnegan’s. He slowed down enough to notice a short shadow climbing into Mic’s jeep. She never left then; she stayed with that Irishman. Jordon sucked air in with a hiss and gripped the wheel tighter. Why should this bother him? He was nothing to her, could be nothing to her. It’s not as if he wasn’t about to do the same walk of shame. Maybe what was bothering him so much was that they were friends. She knew this guy, it wasn’t just a one-nighter for her.

  Jordon shook his head, trying to shake her out physically. An impossible task. His foot pressed down harder on the accelerator, the engine growling and purring in the way that only muscle cars could, speeding him forward to the compound and the mission he was both excited for and dreading. It was his chance to prove himself as a member of Steel, but he also had to work very closely to Mic. He pushed the radio buttons rapidly, scanning for something that suited his mood. Rain by Breaking Benjamin came on a rock station. It suited his mood perfectly. The irony that it was one of Mic’s favorite bands was not lost on him. He cranked the volume and drove on, losing himself in the music.

  ****

  I tuned into my favorite rock station and let Rain wash over me, the acoustic guitar and soft vocals doing wonders for my mood. I hung my elbow out of the jeep window and just drove. I had plenty of time until I needed to be back on base. It was just this side of zero five hundred hours. I needed to take some time for myself before going back. For the next week at least, I would be crammed into hangars, bays, airplanes, helicopters, and jungles with my team. I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity before it passed me by. Before every mission I took this particular drive. To the top of the mountain, up a tiny bumpy logging trail hidden away on state forest land, then to a small clearing.

  Pulling close to the edge of the clearing, I got out and sat on the hood of the jeep. Hugging my knees to my chest, I rested my chin on my knees. It felt like I was on top of the world. I could see the whole valley below me. Mostly in shadow still, but I could see the first hint of light on the horizon.

  I sat there and watched the sun rise; watched the first rays of dawn chase the darkness away. It happened so slowly, you couldn’t actually see it happening. Just like a flower blooming, each time you blink it’s a little more open. I had never brought anyone up here. This was the one place in the whole world that was just mine. I breathed deeply of the cool morning air, hoping to keep the freshness locked in my lungs. There was very little humidity today, so instead of the mountains being covered in a bluish foggy haze, I could see for miles upon miles. The mountains were rolling away off in the distance like giant tree-covered waves. The Susquehanna River was lazily snaking its way between the mountains, barely visible other than the sparkle of the sun on the greenish water.

  The tall grass in the clearing rustled around me in the morning breeze; birds of all kinds were waking up and singing. There was a life in this forest that I have never experienced anywhere else in the world; the sounds of the squirrels chattering away, and the rustles in the underbrush from small animals moving around. The smell alone was a comfort. I closed my eyes and just breathed it all in: the earthly smell of dirt and rotting leaves; the sharp tang of wild strawberries and blackberries; the musky smell of ferns and the fresh crisp splash of a mountain spring. I tried to breathe all the smells into my body, tried to soak the early morning warmth of the sun into my pores. I wanted to store it like a squirrel stores acorns for the winter. I wanted at any time, to reach into myself, and draw this up to the surface, and to be able to wrap myself in it like a blanket. I never knew which mission would be the one where I was captured, or the one where I wouldn’t make it home. I
f this was the last time I was going to see my home, I wanted my last memory to be a good one.

  ****

  I passed the last gate on the road back into base, nodding at the guard as I passed. As I drove past the hangar on my way to my cabin I saw Phillips, Pierce, and Flynn drilling in the yard. Doing push-ups, up downs, and jumping jacks. Everyone was on edge, already feeling the adrenaline of a new mission. We all dealt with the nerves and anticipation in different ways. I needed my time alone on the mountain, these guys needed the physical release exercise brings. Jones was probably in his cabin watching crap TV. I saw Jordon’s car in front of their cabin, but I didn’t see him out and around with the others.

  I parked at my cabin and took the time to put the top up on the Jeep. I didn’t want to replace the interior again because it got rained on while I was gone. I needed to make sure I had enough clean fatigues to take with me and clean and prep my weapons. I needed to check and double-check my pack. But first, I needed a shower and a short nap. I stripped and stepped into the shower. As I washed my hair, I went over everything in my head again and again for the mission. Each position for each man, and all the intelligence we had so far from Linc. I still felt like something was odd, more than the usual risk. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I hoped that it was just in my head and we weren’t about to be ass-fucked, sans lube.

  I really wished I had more time to integrate Jordon. I hadn’t seen him rappel or do the moving obstacle course. I knew he could move with pure silence, and had a fierce determination and strength of character. It wasn’t enough, but was going to have to do. I hoped his bruises were healed enough to do what needed to be done. We couldn’t afford for him to be even a millisecond slower due to pain or stiffness. I was risking my life and the lives of my men on the gut feeling that Jordon would be where he needed to be, when he needed to be there. Which reminded me, I needed to check all our radios. This mission, more than others, required perfect timing and communications.