In Your Dreams

by Kristan Higgins

  "The doctors say he's already gone," Gloria whispered, clutching Em's shirt. "My husband says the same thing." She looked at Emmaline. "Do you think he is?"

  This was her chance to say the right thing. To make all the difference to Gloria Deiner, whose son was surely dying. "I don't know," she repeated. "But whatever the right thing is, you'll know. You're his mother."

  But Gloria just looked at her son, her face so full of sorrow that Em couldn't understand how she bore it. "Thank you for coming," she whispered. "I'd like to be alone now." She looked back at Em. "And thank you for talking to him. No one does that anymore."

  Em hugged her again, but Mrs. Deiner was locked back into her vigil.

  She was almost out of the room when Gloria's faint voice stopped her. "You were there that night?"

  Em turned. "Yes. Chief Cooper and I. We...we took over for Jack Holland."

  "Jack Holland." Her voice hardened. "We wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for Jack Holland."

  No, Emmaline thought. You'd be visiting a grave.

  "Jack left him for last," Gloria said in an odd lilting voice, as if she were trying to remember a song. "The one who needed him the most, and Jack left him for last. My baby was all alone."

  The respirator breathed in and out, in and out.

  "He wasn't alone," Em said very, very softly. "Jack was in the water the whole time."

  But Gloria's head was turned to her son, and Em doubted that the grieving mother even heard.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  JACK KNOCKED ON the door of 3-C. A second later, Hadley opened the door. "Hey," she said. "Come on in."

  She looked different. Younger and tired. And she wasn't beaming at the sight of him.

  It had been a week since her incident at the police station, and while Jack had seen her every day, they hadn't really talked.

  Today, they would.

  "Can I get you anything? Coffee or water?"

  "No, thanks," he said. "Sit down, Hadley."

  She did, taking a throw pillow and holding it over her stomach. "This weather, huh? Crazy."

  It hadn't been particularly crazy, not for western New York, anyway. Then again, people always talked about the weather when they were nervous.

  "Hadley, it's time for you to move on," he said.

  Her eyes filled. "I know."

  He leaned back in his chair. "I'll take you back to Savannah, if you like."

  "Why? Why would you do that for me, after all the trouble I caused?"

  A good question. He shrugged. "I don't know. I feel responsible for you. For us. For how our marriage didn't work."

  "I cheated on you, Jack. I'm the one to blame for our divorce."

  She'd never admitted that before. "People don't cheat for no reason," he said, looking out the window. "You weren't happy, so you looked elsewhere. I'm not excusing it, Hadley. But I understand. You were lonely and bored and wanted more attention than I could give." Than any human could give, he guessed.

  "My parents barely spoke to me, they were so mad," she whispered. "They thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me."

  "I don't agree," he said. "I think we were just...wrong for each other. No matter how it seemed at first."

  A tear ran down her cheek.

  If he'd listened a little more carefully to smart people like Honor and his grandparents, to Mrs. Johnson and Connor O'Rourke, he might have picked up on their subtle (and not-so-subtle) notes of caution. If he'd taken longer to get to know Hadley, had her spend more time here rather than one idyllic weekend, the truth would've come out. And the truth was, they'd both seen what they wanted to see and not what was actually there.

  "Why'd you come back here, Hadley?"

  She wiped her eyes. "It seemed like everyone around me was married and having babies or a fabulous career or both, and you know what I was doing? Part-time clerk at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I was thirty years old with nothing and no one, divorced before our first anniversary. A failure."

  He could've pointed out that there was no shame in hard work, or that she could've gone back to school for something else, but he knew from experience those words would fall on deaf ears. Hadley had always had a picture of how life was supposed to be, and anything less was just what she said. A failure.

  Hadley swallowed. "When I saw you on the news, that handsome Anderson Cooper standing right there in front of the lake, and they were showing pictures of the vineyard and that photo of you from the website, and I thought, 'Hadley Boudreau, you blew it.'" She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. "So I came up here to get back what we had."

  "What we had wasn't that great, Hadley. We fought a lot."

  "Made up a lot, too." She took a shaky breath. "Jack, is there any way you could forgive me and get past what I did? I do love you."

  His heart gave an unwilling tug of sympathy. "No, you don't," he said gently. "You love the idea of me. Just like I loved the idea of you. And I forgave you a long time ago."

  Until he said the words, he hadn't realized they were true.

  "I'm so sorry for what I did, Jack," she whispered. "You deserved better."

  Finally, a sincere apology, something she'd never offered before.

  "Thanks." He stood up. "Get packed, okay? I'll call your folks."

  *

  THAT NIGHT, EM left O'Rourke's, where Lucas Campbell had graciously flirted with her for fifteen minutes, then been spelled by Jeremy Lyon and then Tom Barlow while Honor talked to Colleen. And to her surprise, Em flirted back, offering to give Lucas a demonstration on how handcuffs worked, fixing Jeremy's collar, telling Tom his accent made him unfairly attractive.

  It was easy to flirt with nice men who were spoken for.

  The night was clear, no moon yet, and the stars were bright and sharp over the lake. She'd take Sarge down to the park for his nighttime walk, then maybe give Angela a ring, see how things were going in Ithaca. Maybe call Mom, too, for that matter.

  Maybe she'd drive up to Jack's.

  No. Or yes?

  She wasn't quite sure who had broken up with whom the other day. Either way, she wanted to see him. Just to check in, doing her civic duty, etc., etc. Maybe strip-search him. Now, now. None of that, she reminded herself. Except he was awfully good-looking, especially naked.

  Maybe just talk to him, more calmly this time. Really see how he was doing, see if the shadows in those clear blue eyes had faded a little bit. Whether or not they were together, she did love him. Missed him horribly.

  This was only the second time in her life she'd been in love.

  That had to say something. She obviously wasn't the type to fall for every guy who gave her the time of day. But all those songs and books and movies were right. The sun shone brighter, flowers smelled sweeter, yada yada, it was true.

  And Jack...hell. They didn't make guys like that every day. A man who loved his family, was good with children, who'd be the date for any lonely woman who needed one. Who'd jump into a frigid lake and save three lives, and only focus on the one who didn't make it.

  She started down the street to her place, figuring she'd pop Wonder Pup in the car with her, then jerked to a halt.

  Speak of the devil, there was Jack's truck, parked in front of the Opera House.

  Em instinctively stepped into the doorway of Presque Antiques, the better to spy.

  She didn't have to wait. Hadley came out a second or two later, looking gorgeous in her cream coat and high boots. Jack followed, carrying a suitcase.

  "You got our tickets?" Hadley asked, her voice carrying easily across the tiny green.

  "All done online," Jack said. "Savannah, here we come." He opened the door for Hadley and handed her in, ever the gentleman. Walked around to the driver's side, stowed the suitcase and got behind the wheel.

  And off they went.

  Emmaline swallowed hard. Pressed her lips together to keep from crying. She had to hand it to Hadley.

  It's just that she hadn't really believed Jack would fall for her aga
in. And though it had been years since Kevin had taken up with Naomi, Emmaline couldn't help the thought that roared to mind.

  The beautiful woman won again.

  *

  EMMALINE WAS WITH her at-risk kids the next day, trying to pay attention. But it was hard. Three of the four kids were being tutored by Jack, and every time his name was mentioned, it felt like someone had zapped her with the Taser. Kelsey was sullen, Dalton's ADD was enjoying a high spell--he was doing headstands. Cory was cleaning his nails with a Swiss Army knife, which Em was considering confiscating, and Tamara was texting.

  "Why should I get detention for missing school?" Kelsey said. "I'm pregnant. I deserve to miss school."

  "Were you sick?" Em asked.

  "No," Kelsey said as if it were the stupidest question in the world (which it might've been). "I just didn't want to go."

  "They're discriminating against you. You should sue," said Dalton, flipping upright. "You got any more popcorn, Officer Em?"

  "You ate it all," Emmaline said.

  "Alyssa missed way more school than me, and you don't see Dr. Didier up her ass, do you?"

  "Yeah, well, she's got a better reason than you," Tamara said without looking up from her phone.

  "No, she doesn't!" Kelsey snapped. "I'm pulling off the miracle of life here. She's sad. Big deal."

  "Who's Alyssa?" Emmaline asked.

  "Josh Deiner's girlfriend," Tamara said. "And she's totes destroyed over this." Tamara paused. "We all were. Like, all of us girls? We were so crying and stuff. It was awful."

  "Josh is an asshole," Cory said calmly.

  "Yeah, well, he's dying, so does that make you happy?" Tamara asked.

  "A little," Cory answered.

  "Don't be like that, Cory," Em said.

  "Honest, you mean?" Cory said. "He beat me up when I was a freshman."

  Emmaline murmured something, but part of her was buzzing, humming with instinct. "What's Alyssa's last name?" she asked.

  After group got out, Emmaline drove to an upscale development on the west side of town. Come to think of it, this area had had a series of break-ins not too long ago. Josh Deiner himself had been the culprit, but being a juvie, only got community service.

  She knocked on the door of 67 Barn Circle Road and waited. No cars in the driveway, no lights on inside except for one room upstairs. She knocked again.

  After another long minute, she heard feet thumping on stairs, and the door opened. "What?"

  "Alyssa?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I'm Officer Neal. Manningsport Police." She pointed to her badge. "Everything's okay, but I was wondering if I could talk to you."

  "Are my parents all right?"

  "Yep. I'm here to talk to you. Is it okay if I come in?"

  The girls eyes were swollen from crying, and her brown hair was lank and flat. She wore pajama pants and a Manningsport High sweatshirt several sizes too big--Josh's, Em would bet.

  Alyssa opened the door and padded into the living room, sat down and drew her knees to her chest.

  "Are you here alone, honey?" Em asked.

  "Yeah. My brother's in college. Did the school send you?"

  "No, no. I just wanted to check in with you. You're Josh's girlfriend, aren't you?"

  She burst into tears. Nodded.

  Em wished she'd brought Sarge. He was good for this sort of thing. "It must be really hard," she murmured.

  "I can't visit him anymore," Alyssa sobbed. "I just can't stand seeing him like that. I wish his mother would just pull the plug and let him die already."

  Emmaline nodded. She grabbed a box of tissues from the end table and handed it to the girl, who snatched a tissue. Her nails were bitten past the quick. "Have you been going to school?" she asked. "Maybe it would help to be around some other friends."

  Alyssa shook her head. "Everyone stares at me like I'm a freak. I just feel wrong all the time. My parents never liked him, and they're, like, relieved or something. I mean, they didn't say that, but I think they worried that Josh was going to turn me into a drug addict."

  "You must feel really lonely."

  Alyssa gave her a surprised look, as if she'd expected Emmaline to stick up for her parents. "I am. I miss him so much."

  "Of course you do. I heard you guys were really in love."

  "We were. Everyone thinks he was such a jerk, and, you know, he had his moments. He wasn't the easiest person in the world. But he could be so...so..." Her face crumpled again, and she grabbed another tissue.

  "He had some nice qualities, too," Emmaline said.

  Alyssa looked up, her eyes huge and wet. "Yeah. He did. Like, he never let me pay for anything. And I know it was his parents' money, but it was nice anyway. It felt really grown-up, having a boyfriend who didn't have to scrape around for change just to buy you coffee."

  "Sure," Em said.

  "And he was sweet. He really didn't mind hanging out and just doing nothing." She started to sob again. "I loved him. My mom says I have to get over this, but I can't."

  "I had a boyfriend in high school," Em said, stretching the timeline just a bit. "When he moved away, I felt like I'd never be happy again, and my mom was not sympathetic. Not that it's the same situation for you. But I remember the feelings."

  Alyssa nodded.

  "Do you have any pictures of Josh?" she asked.

  "Um, yeah. Of course. Want to see them?"

  "I'd love to," Em said.

  They went up the curving staircase to the girl's bedroom, which was unusually neat, the bed made, nothing on the bureaus except four gift bags, each tied with a different colored ribbon.

  The buzzing in Em's knees intensified. "Is it your birthday?" she asked Alyssa.

  "No. Um, I'm just clearing out some of my stuff. Figured I'd give some jewelry away." She bit her nail, then stopped.

  There was, however, a framed eight-by-ten picture of her and Josh in the middle of the desk, as well as a single sheet of notepaper.

  Hot pink notepaper.

  Alyssa slid that into a drawer, then handed her the photo.

  Josh Deiner grinned out at her, blond and handsome, his arm around Alyssa. From the sound of it, he was a spoiled, entitled bully...but that wasn't really his fault. And now he'd never have the chance to be anything else. "You guys are gorgeous together," Em said.

  "Were gorgeous," Alyssa corrected dully.

  "This is a really pretty room. Do you have your own bathroom?"

  "Um...yes?"

  "Can I see it?" Because that tingling was getting stronger. The room was too neat, and those gift bags...

  "No! Um, it's kind of messy."

  "Oh, I don't care. Through here?" She put her hand on the doorknob, and Alyssa jumped.

  "Please don't go in there," she said, covering Em's hand with her own.

  Em looked at the girl. "Sweetheart, are you planning to hurt yourself?"

  Alyssa bit her lip hard. Her eyes filled with tears once more. "I--yes."

  Emmaline put her arms around her. "Oh, honey," she said. "Please don't. I know you feel alone right now, but you're not. I'll help you however I can."

  Alyssa shook with sobs. "I'm just so tired of being sad." She wept. "I can't do it anymore."

  "I know it feels that way. I really do. But it's not always going to be this bad." She kissed the top of the girl's head. "I promise."

  *

  TURNED OUT ALYSSA had swiped some sleeping pills from her aunt and was planning to swallow them that night. The pills were lined up on the bathroom counter, along with a bottle of wine. The pink paper on the desk was a note to her parents, and the gift bags on the bureau were her favorite pieces of jewelry for her two best friends and two cousins.

  Em called Alyssa's parents and told them their daughter was safe, then explained the situation. Both of them screeched into the driveway within seconds of each other, raced through the door and hugged their daughter against them. Lots of tears. Alyssa had been seeing a psychologist, though she'd skipped her last
two appointments, and because she was eighteen, the doctor hadn't been able to tell Mr. and Mrs. Pierson. They called the doctor and put Alyssa on with her, watching and wringing their hands. But the girl promised not to hurt herself and made an appointment to see her first thing in the morning. Her dad called Jeremy Lyon to see if he could prescribe an antidepressant.

  By the time Em was preparing to go, Alyssa looked relieved, if exhausted, bundled up on the couch, sipping a cup of cocoa.

  Mrs. Pierson walked her to the front door. "I can't thank you enough," she said, her hands still shaking. "We knew she was struggling, but we didn't know how bad it was."

  "I'm glad she's getting help. It's not easy to get through something like this on your own."

  "Officer Neal?" Alyssa said, appearing in the foyer.

  "Honey, go sit down," her mother said. "You look as weak as a newborn kitten."

  "This will just take a minute, Mom. Maybe you could make me a grilled cheese?"

  "Of course, angel." She kissed her daughter on the cheek and went into the kitchen.

  "What is it, honey?" Em asked.

  "I, uh...I did some things to Jack Holland."

  "I know."

  Alyssa blinked. "You do?"

  "The note, leaving his lights on, the possum?"

  The girl flushed, and her eyes welled again. "I was just so...mad that he couldn't save Josh, too. Am I in trouble for that?"

  "Of course not, honey."

  "He might press charges and stuff."

  "He won't. I can guarantee that. Now go sit down and let your mom take care of you."

  "Thanks for coming over," Alyssa whispered, and much to Em's surprise, the girl hugged her. "Thanks for guessing."

  *

  WHEN EM GOT to the car, she found that her heart was clattering like an old tractor. Her hands were shaking, and her face felt flushed. She couldn't tell if she was exhilarated or terrified or both.

  What if she hadn't gone over? What if she hadn't asked to see the bathroom?

  But she had. She'd listened to that prickling sense of warning, and Alyssa was going to be okay. She started the car and drove to the cow path by the old barn where the Manningsport police held their Memorial Day speed trap, turned off the engine and reached for her phone to call Jack.

  Oh. Right. She couldn't do that anymore. She dumped him. Or he dumped her. Either way, he was with Hadley again.

  Tonight, she'd saved a girl's life, and you know what? That mattered more. She called Levi. "Hi. It's Em," she said the second he answered. "I just left the Piersons' house." In a rush of blathering, she told him what happened.