Full Figured 13

by Mona Love

  Secret felt like he had just thrown a hot pot of grits in her face. She was more than shocked at how he just completely changed. She didn’t even recognize him anymore. Secret’s previous feelings of hope and excitement were quickly squashed by her husband’s cruel words.

  “Fuck you! Fuck your bitch too! You don’t know who you fucked with, David. I gave up everything! I have nothing, and if I can’t have it all, neither will either of you! You wait and see!” Secret screamed at the top of her lungs.

  “Shh, Secret, please. This is not good for those kids.” Andrea tried to quiet Secret to protect the kids from being upset all over again.

  It was too late. Both kids were standing in the doorway of the kitchen, crying as their mother screamed like a maniac. They had never seen their mother act like this before, and they were scared.

  Secret could feel herself changing inside in more ways than one. It wasn’t a good thing happening to her. She was on the ledge, and something in her mind was telling her to jump.

  Chapter 5

  “Secret?” Andrea called out. The house was pin-drop quiet, which scared Andrea. “Secret? Are you in here?” Andrea called out again, pushing open the door of Secret’s master bedroom and walking inside.

  “Oh, my God! Secret! What the hell are you doing lying down in the closet like some crazy person?” Andrea’s voice jolted Secret out of her depressed stupor. “What’s going on? You sleeping in the closet now?” Andrea said softly as she stepped closer.

  Secret bolted upright so fast in response to her cousin’s voice that her surgery scars began throbbing. “How did you get in without me hearing you?” Secret grumbled, annoyed at Andrea’s bold and boisterous interruption.

  “I have a key. I mean, I’ve never used it, but when I called you ten times and you didn’t answer . . .” Andrea said, her words trailing off.

  She had been thinking the worst, Secret could tell. Secret took in an eyeful of her cousin and bestie. Andrea looked radiant, as usual. She wore flawless makeup, a professionally laid shoulder-length, bone-straight hairdo, and a bright, pastel, striped Valentino maxi dress that hugged her curves in all the right places. Secret remembered a time when she prided herself on looking as beautiful as Andrea did. Secret hadn’t cared about her appearance at all lately. Not anymore.

  “I’m not really up for company. I’m still in pain, believe it or not. Plus, I’m pretty tired, haven’t been getting a whole lot of sleep. I have so much on my mind, girl,” Secret groaned.

  “I know you’re not up for company, but it’s what you need! Plus, I’m not damn company. I’m your damn family. Now come on. Get up. I will not take no for an answer, so don’t even try to say it again,” Andrea urged.

  Secret groaned and rolled her eyes. Andrea tapped her foot. “Secret, you cannot, I repeat, cannot stay locked up in this house and in this dreaded bedroom another damn day,” Andrea snapped, stepping to the back of Secret’s closet so she could find something other than pajamas for Secret to wear.

  Secret rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh. “I know you’re trying, but I’m really not up to it.”

  “How about this little number? I always liked you in this color,” Andrea said cheerfully, holding up a fuchsia Gucci mini dress with open slits on the sleeves.

  Secret twisted her lips. She was trying not to be rude, although she wanted to tell Andrea to get the hell out and let her be depressed.

  “Or this one. This green would be heavenly on you,” Andrea said as she held up a mint green Zara strapless maxi dress.

  “Whatever you pick I’ll wear,” Secret groaned. All of this was going to be harder than she thought.

  * * *

  “I can’t believe getting you outside today was so damn hard. I had to practically drag you by the damn hair just to get you into the sun. Secret, you’ve been vamping too long. Shit, I miss you,” Andrea complained jokingly with a smile. She sat across from Secret at Sweet Chick, one of their favorite spots in Brooklyn. The quaint tables and Southern hospitality theme inside was perfect. Andrea thought the closeness would help brighten Secret’s mood and pull her out of the deep depression she’d slipped into over the past few weeks since David had served her. Plus, Andrea knew how much Secret enjoyed getting a taste of home-cooked Southern food when she could.

  “I know it has to be hard, Secret. Having your husband abandon you out of the blue after all you’ve sacrificed can’t be easy at all, but you can’t stop living,” Andrea said sympathetically, following her words up with a smile. She figured if she smiled enough, Secret would eventually catch her vibe.

  Secret picked up a mini appetizer, took a small bite, and threw it back down on her saucer. The food was tasteless, like cardboard in her mouth. Her appetite was nonexistent. She didn’t see it coming back anytime soon.

  “Look, you’re the most beautiful woman I know. Look at this whole world of men out here. How many have been staring at you since we’ve been in here?” Andrea continued winking at Secret playfully.

  Secret huffed. She locked eyes with Andrea. Secret shook her legs under the table. She wanted so badly to bolt from the table and run back to her bedroom and lock herself inside. “You try losing your husband and dealing with oozing failed plastic surgery scars, a body that you’re ashamed of, and being scared you’ll never love again. I think you’d agree that all of that could cause a person to want to stop living, or at least to stay holed up in their own home alone,” Secret replied sharply.

  Suddenly, the jolly mood Andrea was trying to create dropped like a brick to the bottom of the ocean. “I was just joking about the men,” Andrea said, her voice going low. She’d tried everything to cheer Secret up. She’d practically had to drag her off the floor of her closet just to get her out to eat. This wasn’t what Andrea had bargained for today.

  As they sat quietly for a minute, the cheerful waitress bounced over for the second time, wearing a bright smile. It was a welcome interruption of the tense moment between Secret and Andrea.

  “What can I get you beautiful ladies for your main course?” the waitress sang. They placed their orders, and just like that the effervescent girl was gone again.

  “They get younger and cuter, don’t they?” Andrea quipped, trying to change the subject again.

  Secret bit down on her bottom lip and looked at Andrea seriously. Is she serious? “I found out more things about David,” Secret blurted. She couldn’t pretend any longer.

  Andrea stopped midmotion as she was about to shovel a forkful of her fried green tomatoes appetizer into her open mouth. She put the fork down and looked at Secret curiously, her mouth still open.

  “Aside from this woman, David has had others over the years. He was never really faithful at all,” Secret revealed, her voice wavering.

  Andrea’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline. She took a big sip of her sangria. “How did you find out?” Andrea asked, her mouth dipping at the edges.

  “I went through some of his things after he was gone. And one by one, I uncovered these affairs. . . .” Secret replied, her voice trailing off. She turned her face away, looking out of the restaurant’s big windows. From where they were seated, in front of the huge expanse of glass windows, she could see the bustling Brooklyn streets. As people rushed by, Secret wondered if anyone else felt like she felt inside. Dead.

  Andrea was unusually quiet. Secret turned back toward her cousin, waiting for her reaction.

  “Shocked?” Secret asked strangely. She had expected Andrea to start twisting her head homegirl style and smacking her lips, saying stuff like, “Oh no he didn’t,” and, “How fucking dare he!” Instead, Andrea was quiet, solemn even.

  “Nah, not shocked. Because I kind of knew,” Andrea whispered shamefully, lowering her eyes as she toyed nervously with the edge of her napkin.

  Secret jerked in her chair, reacting as if she had been electrocuted. A flurry of emotion moved like a dark storm across her face. She felt like Andrea had just kicked her in the chest.

  “I’
m sorry, Secret. I found out in the most fucked-up way, and because of how I found out, I couldn’t tell you, and then every time I tried to get up the nerve to say something, it was never the right time. I knew it would just come between us if you weren’t ready to know, so I thought . . . I just tried . . . I thought it best to just . . .” Andrea rambled frantically, stumbling over her words.

  Secret glared daggers at Andrea. Fire flashed in her eyes. “I can’t fucking believe you knew something like that and never thought it was important enough to tell me. You let me just go about being humiliated? You’re just as fucked up, if not even more fucked up, than he was for this bullshit,” Secret hissed harshly through her teeth. She balled her cloth napkin up and tossed it onto the table. Secret pushed her chair back from the table. “I wonder what else you knew and never told me,” Secret spat, her voice rising and falling like waves against ocean rocks.

  “Wait! Secret, please! Let me explain!” Andrea cried out, reaching her hand out toward her cousin. Secret paused, squinting. Andrea’s shoulders slumped, and she exhaled a windstorm of breath.

  “I didn’t want to see you like this, and when I confronted him, he told me he would never hurt you. I made sure he stopped. That’s what it was, Secret. Nothing else. I would never hide anything from you, but it’s just that if I told you I knew you’d still be with him, and then you’d be mad at me. I wanted him to love you and for things to work out and not come between us,” Andrea confessed, lowering her eyes.

  Secret pursed her lips and shook her head from left to right as she looked at Andrea in disgust.

  “I saw him one night with a girl. Oh, I lit into his ass for real. From what I understood, he was never going to do it again. He’d been drinking, and he said it was the biggest mistake he ever made. He promised me he would never let you find out and he would never do it again. I thought I was protecting you. I love you so much, Secret. I never wanted to see you hurt.”

  Secret closed her eyes, her nostrils flaring. The information Andrea relayed slipped into her head like the blade of a knife. She had been rendered speechless.

  “I don’t know who to trust anymore,” Secret rasped right before she walked out of the restaurant.

  * * *

  A week had passed since the dustup with Andrea, and it had been a month since David had served the papers on Secret. Secret had pulled herself together, finally, and was trying her best to make life normal for herself and her kids. Secret decided to do some food shopping and then a little retail therapy for herself and the kids. Shopping had always made Secret feel better in the past, especially when all of the money was David’s, like now. They hadn’t separated their accounts yet or even had discussions about what type of alimony and child support she would receive. Secret knew she had to find a good attorney because with David’s money, he would more than likely hire the best of the best to fight her in court.

  Secret pulled into the supermarket parking lot and unloaded her kids. She put them into the shopping cart and pushed them into the store. As soon as she walked into the store, she noticed her pastor’s wife. Secret tried to avert her eyes and act like she didn’t see the fat hypocrite, but there was no use in trying. There was only one set of doors in and out, and Secret had practically run dead into her. Shit. She hadn’t been to church in a while and certainly did not feel like explaining why to the phony-ass first lady. Secret plastered a fake smile to her face and proceeded farther into the store.

  “Secret? Secret Johnson? Is that you and those beautiful little angels?” First Lady Alma Lucian sang out. As usual, her face was painted with so much makeup she resembled a clown, and although it was a weekday, she was dressed like she was going to church. The woman wore so much perfume Secret could smell it coming off of her even from a distance.

  Secret took a deep breath and kept on smiling so hard her cheekbones ached. “Hey, Mrs. Lucian. How are you?” Secret replied, singing just as phony as the pastor’s wife had.

  “Oh, little ol’ me? I am just fine. God knows it, too. Secret, what is going on? I haven’t seen you in service in a month of Sundays. And then I turn around two weeks in a row and see David, but instead of you and those angels being his escorts, I notice some other woman who looks young enough to be his daughter with him just as proud as a peacock with all her cleavage showing up just like a heathen,” Mrs. Lucia said, her words coming out rapid-fire like she had been dying to tell someone’s dirty secrets.

  The information threatened to make Secret’s knees buckle. But she smiled. That disrespectful motherfucker, Secret screamed inside her head. It was bad enough she was already ashamed of her impending divorce, but now her husband was setting out to publicly humiliate her. In Secret’s opinion, it was totally unnecessary for David to take his mistress to their church when Secret could barely get him to attend with her and the kids. Secret felt her heart sink into her stomach as Mrs. Lucian kept on going on and on about how she was surprised to see him with such a beautiful and young woman. And how the woman even reminded Mrs. Lucian of Secret when she was younger and before the kids.

  Secret felt like her bowels were going to release right there in the store at the first lady’s feet. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Secret gripped the shopping cart rail tightly. She knew she had to play it off and pull it together. There was no way she’d let David win again by showing that she was caught off guard by Mrs. Lucian’s revelations.

  “Oh, didn’t you know? I filed for divorce months ago. So David is free to have whomever he wants, and frankly, it’s probably better for both of us. See, David and I just grew apart. David had become so cruel to me and the children. You wouldn’t even believe he was the same man. I know Pastor Lucian teaches against divorce, but sometimes you have to know when to say when,” Secret lied, trying hard to fight back the tears burning at the backs of her eye sockets.

  “Oh, I didn’t know,” Mrs. Lucian said, placing her hand up against her chest like what she was hearing was about to give her a heart attack. “Well, I hope it all works out for you and those little angels,” she continued, flashing a fake smile.

  “I’m fine. We’re fine. Just fine,” Secret said, returning an even faker smile again. The kids started squirming in the cart. That was Secret’s signal to get the fuck away from the lady. Besides, her stink-ass perfume was making Secret gag.

  “Well, it was nice seeing you. Let me go. As you can see, the natives are getting restless,” Secret said, nodding toward her kids. Secret’s insides were on fire, and she wished she were a genie who could blink herself right out of the store.

  “Take care of those angels now,” Mrs. Lucian bellowed.

  Secret nodded and pushed her cart away. Secret rushed four aisles down into the cereal aisle. It was the one with the least people in it. Once she felt the coast was clear, she stopped the cart and let her tears finally run down her face. A few passersby coming through the aisle looked at her strangely. A few looked like they wanted to ask if she was all right, but none dared to say anything to her.

  Secret cried for a few minutes. She still could not believe the audacity of David to take his new eye candy to their church, flaunting her in front of all their friends. That church was where David and Secret had taken their vows, where they had worshipped as a couple and as a family. It was where Secret had drawn her strength when everything was on her while David leisurely went about his business at school. With one blow after another, Secret just didn’t know how much more she could take. One thing Secret knew for sure: she could never step foot back in that church again.

  Finally, after pulling herself together, Secret wiped her face and smiled at her kids. They had gotten so used to seeing her cry that it didn’t even alarm them anymore. Secret walked through the aisles and started picking up things for the house. She was in such a routine and habit with what she purchased that each time she touched something, David was the first thing that came to her mind. Pleasing David was always paramount for Secret in everything she did, even food shopping. She was used t
o purchasing foods that he liked, like that nasty-ass gluten-free bread. Secret always hated that shit, but it was the only kind she purchased because David liked it. It was the same for everything she used to buy. If she ever purchased something he didn’t eat, David would complain incessantly, so Secret had just learned to condition herself to eat the things that he liked. This time, with a devilish feeling coming over her, Secret picked up white bread instead of gluten-free kind. After that, Secret had to catch herself over and over again picking up things David preferred over what she actually liked. She made herself buy all of the things that she missed over the years just because David hadn’t liked them. This time her shopping cart was filled with things Secret liked.

  When she made it to the counter to pay for her groceries, the kids started whining and crying for the candy that was lined up at the side of the register. Feeling emotionally and physically drained, Secret didn’t have it in her to argue with them or to hear their crying. Instead, she just allowed them to pick up whatever they wanted. DJ and Bella chose all types of chocolate bars, gum, and bags of chips. Secret couldn’t care less. Normally she didn’t let them eat junk food, but today whatever would keep them quiet was what Secret was going with. She just wanted to go back home, climb into her bed with her sedatives, and sleep away her pain.

  Secret loaded all of her items onto the register’s conveyor belt and watched as the cashier scanned her food. Secret looked around, hoping she wouldn’t see anyone else who knew her and David. She couldn’t take any more news about David flaunting his woman around town.

  When all of the items were finished being scanned, Secret started placing her bags in the cart as she waited for the girl to give her a total.

  “$140.25,” the cashier said dryly.

  Secret dug into her pocketbook and handed the girl her debit card.

  “Debit or credit?” the cashier asked.

  “Either or, it doesn’t matter,” Secret answered as she reached over to make DJ sit down in the cart before he fell out. Secret was distracted, so she didn’t notice that the girl had swiped her card several times.