by Mona Love
“Pull your fucking self together! Stop this shit now!” Secret whispered harshly to herself. She scrambled out of the chair and to the kitchen. Peeling off a large garbage bag from the roll of bags, she raced back to the mess and frantically picked up the cut-up pictures and put them into the bag. Secret couldn’t risk Andrea stopping by and seeing the complete mess she’d made. Secret knew that Andrea would think she was losing it again and the lectures would start all over again.
When everything was finally all cleaned up, Secret placed the bag down near the back door. Something told her to see if her children were okay. Secret checked in on her children. They were playing quietly in their playroom. Secret came back downstairs and tiptoed out of her back door into the backyard. She placed the bag with the pictures into David’s large stainless-steel GrillMaster Grill. Secret squirted lighter fluid on the pile and dropped a match inside. It was definitely a Waiting to Exhale kind of moment. Secret felt sad that she no longer had her pictures, but for some reason, she also felt vindicated as well. She looked around nervously to make sure her neighbors weren’t watching, while she burned away remnants of her past.
When she was satisfied with the pile of ashes before her, Secret went back into the house. She washed her hands and changed her smoke-scented clothes. Then she picked up her cell phone and called her attorney. Secret pleaded with him to ask the court for an emergency hearing. She explained to him that there was no way she could wait another three weeks to go to court with the situation the way it was. Secret even confessed to him that she could feel herself losing it, her mind, her home, her life as she knew it. She was losing it all, to be exact.
Chapter 11
Andrea held Secret’s hand as they returned to court. Secret was elated that her attorney was able to push the hearing up.
“You okay?” Andrea asked, feeling the trembling in Secret’s hands.
“I haven’t been okay in months,” Secret finally confessed.
Andrea could tell her cousin wasn’t okay by the way Secret looked. Secret didn’t bother to dress up like she did for the first court appearance. She was at the point where she didn’t care any longer. She threw on a pair of jeans and a regular mom T-shirt from the Gap. Her hair was slicked back in a lumpy, uncombed, cakey ponytail, the result of her not really combing her hair out in weeks. She didn’t bother to make up her face either. Secret knew she had bags the size of pillows under her eyes, but nothing mattered to her anymore. She only went from day to day for Bella and DJ, that was it. If not for them, Secret would have ended it a long time ago.
Secret leaned in and whispered to Andrea, “I want to see what way this motherfucker is going to fuck me over this time,” Secret said.
Andrea was silent at first, but Secret’s appearance and behavior were just killing her inside. It just wasn’t right. In fact, Andrea thought her cousin looked and sounded like she was snapping.
“Girl, why are you dressed like you’re going to the store, or even worse, like you are going to put the damn garbage out or something? I mean, you want to present yourself well, don’t you? Do you want this nigga to think you’re pining over him and falling apart?” Andrea asked seriously.
“What nobody seems to understand, Andrea, is that I don’t give a shit about him, the judge, or my life right now. I couldn’t give a fuck less what anybody thinks about me and whether I’m pining over him or falling the fuck apart. I mean it’s the truth at this point. Whether I was dressed to the nines or naked, if shit is going to go in my favor it just is and vice versa,” Secret replied, her tone cold and flat.
Inside the courtroom, Secret’s lawyer gave her the same kind of reaction that Andrea had. He eyed her up and down as if to say, “What the fuck were you thinking?” Secret sat down next to him and folded her hands in front of her. She didn’t say a word.
“I think all of the parties are here. We can begin,” the judge said.
Secret shot the female judge an evil look. This fucking bitch, Secret thought as she noticed the judge smiling hard at David, who by the way, was dressed sharply as usual.
David’s smug-ass lawyer stood up and adjusted his suit jacket. He looked just as smug as David. Secret figured that was why David had hired him.
“Your Honor, my client would like to make the divorce final today. We feel there is no need to prolong these proceedings at the expense of either party. We are prepared to present our requests today and trust that you will find in our favor or whatever is favorable to the court,” the lawyer announced.
Secret finally looked over at David and his lawyer, and then she noticed a world-renowned plastic surgeon she’d consulted with sitting in the courtroom.
What the fuck? Why is he here? Secret screamed in her head. Her heart jerked in her chest, and her stomach cramped at the sight of him. She hadn’t seen him in a long time. She couldn’t imagine why he would be at their divorce proceedings. The doctor being there made Secret uneasy and overwhelmingly nervous.
“We are prepared to hear your client’s request as well as Mrs. Johnson’s requests,” the judge replied.
David’s lawyer smiled. “Your Honor, my client is asking for an immediate divorce from Mrs. Johnson. His request is not out of the blue. My client wants to end his marriage due to lies, theft, which he is prepared to prove today, due to cruel and unusual treatment, which he is prepared to prove today, and finally due to violence and erratic behavior by Mrs. Johnson throughout the course of the marriage, which he can also prove today,” David’s lawyer said loudly.
Secret’s head whipped around so hard she felt her neck crack. She thought she’d fall out of the chair. Was David fucking serious? She leaned into her attorney and began whispering harshly in his ear. She was telling him that it was all bullshit. David was lying on her. Her attorney shushed her and promised that she would get her time to speak. Secret needed to shut David’s lawyer up.
“Go ahead and present what your client has today,” the judge told David’s attorney.
Oh, my God! He can’t continue talking, Secret said inside her head, a cold sweat breaking out all over her body.
“Your Honor, as to the lies and theft and secrecy during the marriage: as Mrs. Johnson had correctly argued during the last hearing, Mr. Johnson spent four years working hard studying for his degree at business school. After his graduation, he was the only source of income in the marriage. Mr. Johnson worked hard and put all of his income into the marriage. My client has physical proof that during that time, his wife, Mrs. Johnson, stole thousands of dollars to have secret plastic surgeries, which caused significant financial distress to my client. I have an expert who is in court today to give a statement about the surgeries. If you look at the screen, you will see I have also obtained pictures of Mrs. Johnson’s last plastic surgeries, which left my client completed aghast and unable to be turned on sexually by his wife,” David’s lawyer announced proudly.
“You motherfucker!” Secret erupted when she saw her botched body on display. Lucky stared at the pictures. Andrea stared. Everyone was staring at Secret’s horrible body.
Secret’s ears were ringing, and the room began to spin. Her vision became blurry, and she felt like she would faint. She jumped up out of her seat and pushed away from the table. The chair she was sitting in went crashing to the floor, startling everyone in the room. Secret covered her face and bolted down the aisle and out of the courtroom. She raced into the courtroom hallway and spun around and around wildly like a lost child. Finally, she noticed a sign for the bathrooms and she sped toward the doors. Her chest was aching like she was having a heart attack.
Inside the bathroom, Secret splashed water on her face, but it didn’t help. She stumbled into one of the stalls and threw up. Secret felt like dying. If she had a weapon, she would take her own life right now. She could not believe David had betrayed her like that. David was the one who had constantly called her an ugly, disgusting pig. He was the one who had pushed her to get the surgeries. Secret couldn’t understand how David wou
ld’ve obtained those pictures. How did the judge even allow that? Secret couldn’t believe this. Secret leaned up against the courthouse bathroom wall for support. It was all she could do to keep from fainting.
After a while, Andrea entered the bathroom. She was coming to the rescue as usual. But Secret didn’t want to face her or anyone for that matter.
“There you are! Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” Andrea said, grabbing Secret and holding her. That made Secret feel even worse, and all of her tears came flooding back to the surface along with her sins.
“I don’t know why he would do this. What have I ever done to him?” Secret cried.
“He is a bastard. I can’t believe it either, but you have to go back in there with your head up high. Nothing he says can change the fact that he also committed adultery with that bitch and that is the real reason your marriage is ending,” Andrea comforted her.
Secret knew she had to go back, but she damn sure wished she could just disappear.
When Secret walked back into the courtroom, all eyes were on her. She felt like the gazes were burning holes into her. She apologized to the judge for the interruption and took her seat next to her lawyer again.
David had a smirk on his face, which sent a flash of heat through Secret’s chest. Die, you motherfucker.
The judge started the proceedings again. Secret was only half listening. She could no longer focus. David presented pictures of the damage that had been done at his girlfriend’s bakery and told the judge that he had witnesses who said Secret had done it.
He produced surveillance video from his building showing that Secret had been outside and followed Lucky’s car on numerous occasions. He produced a written statement from Lucky about the beat down Secret had put on her and about Secret showing up to her place of business, threatening her.
Secret took proverbial slap after slap. She just sat there and let David run her name into the ground. But then the gloves came off. He finally had Secret’s attention.
“Your Honor, my client is also asking for full custody of his two children ages two and six years old. It is my client’s belief that Mrs. Johnson is mentally unstable, as we have witnessed by some of the items of proof my client brought to the court’s attention today, and that he would be the best parent to care for the children,” David’s lawyer said.
The words seemed to explode in Secret’s ears and touched her someplace deep. “No! He cannot have my children! They are all I have, Judge. Please if you have any mercy in your heart, I’m begging you! He can keep all of his money! I will live in a shelter! But please don’t take my kids from me! They’re all I have left!” Secret screamed out.
Her lawyer grabbed her by the arm and forced her to sit down. He was watching Secret prove David and his attorney right about her mental state with her seemingly erratic behavior. Secret put her hands over her mouth in an attempt to squash her sobs. She could still be heard whimpering. Secret could not believe David was digging so deep to be so malicious. She knew he had no interest in caring for their children, but it was an attempt to make her suffer. Secret couldn’t for the life of her understand his need to be so cruel to her.
The judge asked to hear from Secret’s attorney, but his requests and arguments seemed like small pebbles compared to the huge boulders David’s lawyer had thrown. But the attorney did argue for Secret to keep her children. She explained to the judge that David had had little or no real interaction with the kids. Secret tried to read the judge’s face, but she was unable to tell what the judge was going to do. Secret started to silently pray for her children as the judge gathered up all of David’s pictures, video, and written proof. She also took some documents regarding the foreclosure and household bills Secret was facing. Secret’s insides felt like someone was putting them through a meat grinder.
“I will review the information in chambers, and I will return in one hour with my final decision in this matter,” the judge said. Secret tried to plead with the judge with her eyes, but the judge had never looked at her, only at David.
With that, the judge dismissed them all for a lunch break. Secret had her head down on the table. She couldn’t even move, much less eat. Andrea watched as David laughed with his attorney as they exited the courtroom together.
Andrea chased after them. “David!” she huffed, catching up to them. They turned to face her. “You both think you’re smart, don’t you? You think I couldn’t figure out how you set my cousin up? You fucking purposely encouraged her to get those surgeries. You even paid for the consultations, you piece of shit. What did you do, David? Did you fucking pay these doctors to botch her? I believe you’re just that fucking low! You did this. You fucking did it all!” Andrea spat.
They both looked like deer caught in headlights. “Yeah, I’m on to you. It will be a cold fucking day in hell before you get those kids, David. You don’t even know anything about them, what they eat, when they sleep. All she ever did was love you. All she ever did was try to please you. Mark my words, you will get what is coming to you. Trust, revenge is a dish best served motherfucking cold,” Andrea said through gritted teeth.
She turned swiftly and went back into the courtroom to get Secret. Andrea didn’t know how much more Secret could take. She knew hands down that if the judge gave David custody of the kids, Secret would lose it once and for all.
* * *
Secret watched nervously as the judge sat down behind her tall desk. Secret balled up her toes inside her shoes and clenched her ass cheeks tightly. The judge shuffled a few papers and then she started speaking. The first thing she said was that she was granting the divorce decree. It was final. Secret’s marriage to David was officially over. Hearing the words made Secret have an empty feeling inside her chest. She likened the feeling to a cross between severe hunger and severe emotional deprivation.
Next, the judge granted Secret alimony in the amount of $2,000 per month, but it was only until Secret found gainful employment and could support herself. Secret listened intently and quickly noticed that the judge hadn’t said anything about child support like before. Secret kept listening. Then the judge got to the topic Secret had been dreading: her children and who would win physical custody of them. Secret’s heart was hammering painfully against her sternum as the judge’s lips moved.
“In the matter of the Johnson children, Bella and David Jr., ages six and two years old, respectively: at this time, I am granting temporary full custody to Mr. Johnson until such time as Mrs. Johnson has completed a full psychological evaluation. The matter of custody will be added to the family court docket, and the children will be assigned a guardian ad litum. Mrs. Johnson, you have until Monday of next week to produce the children at this courthouse. Mr. Johnson will take custody of the children, you will complete the evaluation and whatever other recommendations the psychiatrist makes, and after that, I’m sure a family court judge will return custody to you. That is, if you’re deemed to be stable,” the judge said.
Secret felt like someone had just shot her in the chest. There was no pain like that she’d ever experienced. She finally knew what a stab to the heart felt like. Her legs went numb. Her head spun. Everything around her started to move.
“No! Oh, God! No! Please don’t do this to me! I can’t take it! I have nothing else! Please don’t take my kids away from me!” Secret let out a high-pitched, ear-shattering wail that could’ve stopped traffic in New York City. Her screams sent chills into everyone in the room, even the judge. It was the kind of scream an animal in the wild being slayed would emit.
Secret had no control of her body. She shook her head and flailed her arms wildly. She really resembled a crazy person. Secret’s attorney tried to contain her, but Secret was inconsolable. Andrea raced over to her, but Secret just flailed her arms wildly and screamed some more.
“Andrea! Please tell them! I can’t lose them! Please! Please, Judge, don’t do this to me!” Secret screamed some more.
“Shh,” Andrea comforted her. “I know. Oh, baby, I kn
ow.” Andrea cried herself. There was nothing like a mother’s love being shattered.
“Mrs. Johnson, I’m sure you will get the children back when you get yourself together,” the judge said, standing up to leave. The judge wanted to get out of there as fast as she could. Secret’s screams of anguish had even threatened to make the judge shed a few tears.
“Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You can’t do this! David, you won’t win! I will die first! I will kill you first!” Secret screeched as Andrea forced her down the center aisle of the room. Andrea didn’t want her cousin to get arrested for making threats or cursing out the judge on top of everything that was already happening to her. It was a sad fucking day for everyone involved.
Andrea turned around one last time to see David smiling and shaking his attorney’s hand. She shot him an evil look and returned her focus to her cousin, who was now a shell of a person.
Secret rocked back and forth in the car during the ride back to Andrea’s house where her children were. Andrea didn’t bother trying to speak to Secret on the way. She knew it was useless.
The mere thought of having them for only three more days made Secret just want to die. A million thoughts danced her in head, one of which was eliminating the threats: David and Lucky. What else could she do? What else did she have to lose?
When they arrived at Andrea’s house, Secret was out of the car before Andrea could fully pull up. Secret banged on the door frantically as if somebody were chasing her. When the babysitter pulled back the door, Secret almost knocked her down, racing to find her kids. Both of the kids were just fine, sitting in front of the television.
“Oh, my God, my babies,” Secret sang out. She grabbed both of them up, struggling with the weight of both of them. She squeezed them up against her so tightly they started to whine.
“Nobody is going to take you from me. I won’t let anything happen to either of you,” Secret whispered through tears. Secret didn’t want to let them go. She held them like that for the next half hour although they squirmed and complained for her to let them go. Andrea had to force her to allow them to get down and go play.