by Mona Love
“Davie? Really?” Secret repeated. “Did Davie tell you that it was my fucking blood, sweat, and tears that helped him get where he is while he went to school and did absolutely nothing? Did Davie tell you that I sacrificed my entire college career and sense of self just so he could be a success, only to have him turn around and pick up somebody like you who has no regard for the sanctity of marriage or our kids? No! I bet you he didn’t tell you any of that while he was flaunting you at his big business dinners and at our fucking church, did he? So don’t fucking talk to me about falling out of love when fucking loyalty should count for something,” Secret growled, her voice rising ten octaves.
“I’m sorry about all of this, but he lied to us both. We met after his company did the marketing plans for my business. He never said he was married. I mean where were you when he was taking me on all of the trips, buying me all of the expensive gifts? I mean he would spend a week at a time with me. Why would I have believed that he was married? Didn’t you ever question your own husband? I’m sorry, but I can’t help who I fell in love with,” Lucky said, making sure she kept a safe distance between herself and Secret. “He is with me now, and I am willing to be a part of the kids’ lives if that makes you feel any better,” she continued.
That was the wrong thing to say to Secret after questioning her common sense when it came to David. Secret felt like the woman had just spit in her face. Secret knew that Lucky was right. Secret had been so busy trying not to rock the boat that she let David tip the fucking boat over and cheat on her. The truth definitely hurt.
Secret started advancing toward the woman like a lion toward its prey. With her finger pointed toward her, Secret squinted her eyes into dashes and spoke through clenched teeth.
“You may have won the man with your hair extensions and your fake tits, but I’m fucking warning you, if you ever come around my kids for any reason, trust me, you will regret it. I would die before I let you and your Davie play house with my fucking kids,” Secret said through gritted teeth, pointing her finger so close to Lucky’s face she almost fell backward trying to avoid getting poked in the eye.
“Now you tell your Davie that Secret said that shit. Also, remember you reap what the fuck you sow, and I’ll tell you, as soon as I gained ten pounds and got one little laugh line and my tits didn’t sit up like two balloons, David’s eyes were roving to bitches like you. Good fucking luck keeping him. I got the scars to show that nothing can keep that bastard happy. Nothing,” Secret said, turning and storming out of the store. She could hear Lucky behind her, scrambling for her telephone.
Call your Davie and tell him. Tell him he will regret the day he left me, Secret thought as she headed back to Andrea’s car. “Bitch better nail his dick to the wall or else she’ll always be chasing that shit,” Secret mumbled under her breath.
Chapter 9
Secret hadn’t been sleeping at all. She was up all night, and only painkillers and sedatives could put her to sleep. Even then it would be for one or two hours. Secret kept replaying her interaction at the bakery with Lucky. Secret had started to believe that maybe it was all her fault for being such a passive wife. Secret had beaten herself up all the way to Andrea’s house and all the way home. That evening, she had taken her sedatives, but they only put her to sleep for a few short spurts at a time, and she’d jump up in a cold sweat every couple of hours.
Secret kept obsessing about the situation: what she did wrong, what she could’ve done better, what she shouldn’t have done, or what she should have done. The plastic surgery was bothering her the most. Not only had she botched her body, but she had lost her husband in the end anyway. She could never meet a man with her body in the condition it was. It was literally driving her crazy. To top it all off, she had to admit to herself that she missed David and the security of having him around. Even when he would travel for weeks at a time, Secret knew he would be back, so she never worried, and she still felt secure. Secret hadn’t felt this lost and lonely since her childhood. Secret had always seen David as her savior from her past realities, and she also saw herself as just as much a savior to him from his past.
Secret tossed and turned thinking about how fast things had spiraled downhill in her marriage. Secret was also obsessing about her financial situation. The mortgage was due, and there were still four weeks until the next court date where she would find out if the judge was going to increase the alimony and child support payments.
Frustrated and restless, Secret threw back her bed covers and got out of bed. She looked in on her kids several times between her fitful bouts of sleep and wakefulness. She peeked at them again for the tenth time and watched their little chests rise and fall. It was like she was making sure they were still alive, still hers. She loved them so much, and they were the one thing she didn’t regret now about her relationship with David. She loved him for giving her such beautiful children. The kids were all Secret had left, and they were the one thing Secret would fight to the death for.
After she’d checked in on the kids, Secret roamed the house aimlessly. She found herself standing naked in front of the tall mirror in her bedroom. She touched her botched stomach and ran her hands over her failed breast implants. Secret thought she looked like a real freak of nature. She collapsed to her knees and cried. The beauty standards in America made her sick. She had fallen right into the trap of trying to look perfect, instead of loving what God had given her.
“Pull yourself together, Secret. It’s not the end of the world,” Secret told herself. She got to her feet, wrapped herself in her bathrobe, and wandered into her kitchen. She made herself some tea and picked up her cell phone. She started off searching David’s friends’ social media pages, and one thing led her to another, and suddenly she was on Lucky’s page.
Secret scrolled through the page, and there were mostly pictures of beautiful cakes and cupcake creations. But then Secret came upon pictures of Lucky and David. There were some of them kissing. Some were of them on yachts sailing the Amalfi Coast in Italy. Secret’s heart sped up with each picture. David hadn’t taken her anywhere in years. She continued scrolling, and there it was: a picture of David on one knee, holding a ring box in front of Lucky, who had her hands over her mouth in surprise. The caption under the picture read, “When your best friend and lover asks you to be his best friend and lover for life.”
Secret sucked in her breath and doubled over at the waist. It was like someone had kicked Secret in the chest, or maybe the feeling was more like she was having open-heart surgery while she was still awake. The pain in her heart was unbearable. Time seemed to stand still around Secret, and she was having trouble breathing properly. Her ears began to ring. She stared at the picture for what seemed like a lifetime.
“Engaged? We’re not even fucking divorced yet and he gets engaged,” Secret said through clenched teeth. She had been biting down into her jaw so hard blood filled her mouth and she didn’t even realize it. Still dressed in her pajamas, Secret mindlessly raced out her front door and climbed into her car. She couldn’t nor did she even think about her sleeping children being left alone.
Secret sped onto the highway not sure where exactly she was headed. She was driving with her hands at ten and two o’clock, and her back was erect like a zombie. A few times she had ignored traffic laws, and she had also cut a few people off. She had tunnel vision, which was dangerous for driving.
Before she knew it, she was in front of Lucky’s bakery once again. The gate was pulled down, and the locks were put on. Secret wished the bakery were open and filled with people. She wanted to bust every window out of the place. Secret wanted that bitch Lucky to hurt. She wanted the world to know how much of a home-wrecking bitch Lucky was. Secret felt like if Lucky and David were in front of her, she could probably kill them both and think nothing of it.
Secret jumped out of her car. She scrambled around to the back of her car. Secret frantically dug around in the space behind the seats where she usually threw the kids’ toys, emergenc
y umbrellas, and stuff like that. Secret didn’t know what she was looking for: a crowbar, a brick, anything. She had destruction on her mind.
Secret found a can of spray paint. Secret remembered how she and her husband had worked to revamp their deck furniture with the black spray paint after David bitched about buying a new set. With her heart pounding, she grabbed the can of spray paint and rushed over to the silver gates pulled down on the front of the bakery. She started spraying like crazy. Secret was, again, a woman possessed.
She sprayed the words “home-wrecker,” “slut,” “adulterer,” and “bitch” all over the gate. With her chest heaving wildly, when she had finished the can of spray paint, Secret reached back into her car and grabbed a can of lighter fluid from her and David’s last barbeque. She sprayed the gate with the fluid, retrieved the small flare lighter from her trunk, and lit the liquid afire.
“I hope both of you bastards burn in fucking hell,” Secret growled. She jumped back into her car and sped off. Although it was the wee hours of the morning, Secret did notice a few people walking the streets. She wanted to get out of there before anyone took her license plate number or saw her face.
When she was about ten blocks away, she pulled over and put the car in park. With all of her windows up she started to scream at the top of her lungs and slam her fists against her steering wheel. She screamed and screamed until her head hurt.
Exhausted, Secret collapsed with her head lolling onto the steering wheel. She sobbed pitifully. Secret didn’t know how long she’d been there, but before long she noticed winks of the sun coming through her windshield. Secret strangely looked out of the windshield at the sky. It was then that Secret realized that she was in her car and that something had definitely happened to her. It was the first time she had lost touch with reality. Looking around wildly and realizing she was in her pajamas, Secret lurched around to check the back seat of her car.
“My kids! Oh, my God! Where are my kids?” she shrieked, whirling her head around. She sped out of the spot she was in and headed back to her home. It was not until she burst through her front doors to find her babies screaming and crying that she realized she had left them all alone again.
It was the first but not the last time Secret would let the situation get the best of her. Secret realized that something inside of her was slowly coming apart, and she didn’t know what else to do about it. Secret couldn’t understand how her life had become so complicated so fast.
Chapter 10
“Secret! What were you thinking?” Andrea asked, pacing after Secret told her what she’d done.
Secret sat silently, wringing her hands in her lap with no explanation for what she’d done.
“You know they’ll know it was you, right? This will reflect badly on your court case. Oh, my God, Secret,” Andrea ranted, running her hands through her hair in exasperation.
They both almost jumped out of their skin when loud knocks reverberated through Secret’s front door. Andrea looked at Secret with huge, round eyes. Secret nodded and lowered her head.
Andrea was the one who answered the door for the police. Andrea had told the police that Secret was out running errands right then and that when the incident allegedly occurred, Secret had been home the entire time with her children.
“These kids are babies. Y’all can’t possibly be accusing my cousin of some early morning vandalism. Does that even sound right to you when she has babies? You just said the witness got a glimpse and said the person was alone. Look, I think this is all a ploy by her ex-husband to paint her in a bad light so he can win his divorce and get away without giving my cousin anything,” Andrea told the police.
“I mean, come in, take a look at the kids,” Andrea said. Andrea showed the police officers the kids for good measure. The cops observed the kids from the door. They seemed to kind of back off when they realized that the children were very young and Secret leaving them alone to drive from Long Island to Brooklyn to vandalize the salon might just be a far stretch. They had seen these types of tit-for-tat divorces in the past. Satisfied for the moment, the police officers gave Andrea their card and asked that Secret call them anyway when she returned home.
When they were gone, Andrea gave Secret the signal. Secret emerged from her bedroom closet where she had been cowering while her cousin covered for her ass. Secret was embarrassed but relieved at the same time that her behavior had not cost her much more than flushed cheeks.
“Secret, you have to stop. David is not coming back, and it’s not that woman’s fault. David is to blame. Please, get your shit together and fast,” Andrea scolded her.
“I know. I’m sorry for putting you in this whole thing. Everything you do is appreciated. I’m okay now,” Secret lied.
“I hope so. If you ever feel impulsive again, call me first,” Andrea emphasized.
Secret just hung her head, again, embarrassed by her impulsive and crazy behavior.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay until I get back from work? Can I trust you with these kids, Secret?” Andrea asked seriously.
Secret smiled and hugged her cousin. She was putting on a good act. Secret just wanted to be alone. “I got it all out of my system. I’m sure. I swear. I’m all good now,” Secret said.
Andrea looked at Secret with skepticism but love at the same time. “Okay, I’m trusting you,” Andrea replied, finally relenting. “But no more wigging out spray painting and setting fire to people’s shit. My ass is not visiting your ass in jail. You know I’m allergic to jail,” she continued, waggling her finger at Secret and then chuckling to lighten up the mood. Secret forced herself to laugh. Inside she was crying and coming apart, but she put up a front to put Andrea at ease. Andrea finally took Secret’s word and left her alone.
Secret gave DJ and Bella something to eat, more Benadryl, and put them down for a nap. She decided that she would just relax and watch some television to clear her mind. She was going to try to go drug free from now on. That was her plan until she checked her mailbox and retrieved a notice that the mortgage company was about to proceed with foreclosure on the house.
“How much can one person take? What the fuck am I supposed to do?” she said to herself. With her hands shaking, she picked up her phone and dialed David’s number without even thinking. She didn’t know what she would say to him, but she dialed the number anyway. When it began to ring, she hung up. Secret repeated the call at least ten more times. She never spoke to him. He kept ignoring her. Eventually, he turned his phone off, and it just continued to go straight to voicemail after that. Secret continued to call until his voicemail prompt said his mailbox was full. It was full of blank messages because Secret had just kept dialing, listening to his voice, letting the voicemail pick up, and listening until his voicemail cut her off. Secret just wanted to hear his voice over and over again. She did it until her phone battery died and she was no longer able to make any more calls. Secret was definitely not herself anymore. She was at the edge and slipping.
* * *
At Andrea’s urging, Secret spent almost an hour on the phone with the mortgage company trying to negotiate a deal that would work out for her. Secret didn’t know the first thing about refinancing, loan modifications, or the like. When the house was purchased, it had been all David. All Secret had done was signed on the dotted line. She wasn’t even sure she owned half of the house the way David had been sneaking behind her back, doing grimy shit.
After being transferred almost ten times, Secret was finally put in contact with a foreclosure specialist, only to be told that David was listed as the sole owner of the home and that Secret had no authority to negotiate on his behalf.
“Even though I’m his wife and I am living here with my children?” Secret had asked incredulously.
The foreclosure specialist had apologized to Secret but told her only David could save the house from foreclosure. Frustrated and angry, Secret broke yet another telephone by sending it sailing across the room. She paced around inside her hou
se for almost an hour, feeling aimless and helpless. Secret continued to glance over at the ever-growing pile of household bills that littered her kitchen table. She hadn’t paid the light, gas, telephone, or cable bills. She was getting doubled up bills for just about all of them.
Secret felt like the walls of life had completely closed in on her. Suddenly a flood of tears dropped from her eyes. “What happened, David? Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to deserve all of this but love you?” she sobbed.
Blinking rapidly, Secret started seeing flashes of Lucky’s Instagram page playing in her mind again. Secret blinked and wiped her eyes roughly. The images were still there. Lucky and David kissing, Lucky by herself: it was all too much for Secret to handle. She pushed back from the table like a poisonous snake had just bitten her. She rushed into the living room and grabbed all of the pictures of her and David, her, David and the kids, David by himself from the shelves. “Bitch!” Secret hissed as she began smashing the glass frames and snatching the pictures out of them.
“I hate you!” she boomed as she drove a jagged line across David’s face in one picture. Secret ripped and shredded each picture until she was exhausted and her hands ached. Flopping down onto her couch breathing hard, Secret looked down at the mess in front of her. Her bottom lip quivered as the severity of her deed set in.
“Oh, no! What did I do! What did I do!” Secret screamed, putting her hands up against each side of her head, pulling at her hair roughly. Secret looked down at the tiny slivers of pictures that now resembled the pieces to a 1,000-piece puzzle. They were impossible to put back together, just like her marriage.
Secret sobbed one minute, and she was angry with herself the next minute for losing control. It had been happening more and more often now. Taking a deep breath, Secret roughly wiped her tears away.