The Hero's Guide to Storming the Castle

by Christopher Healy

  “Did you get this badly lost?” he asked drolly.

  “Oh, we’re exactly where we want to be, buddy,” Gustav said, swaggering up to the bounty hunter. “I’m Gustav the Mighty. I don’t get lost.”

  “You appear to have lost most of your clothing,” Ruffian said. Gustav tugged his undershirt down a bit to make sure his belly button wasn’t showing.

  “We know you’re up to no good,” Duncan said, squinching up his face in an attempt to look intimidating. “Lila saw you being sneaky and tracked you here.”

  “Ah, the young girl,” Ruffian said, nodding to himself. “That makes more sense.”

  “Yeah, but we sent her home,” Gustav said, cracking his knuckles. “’Cause we caught you. And what’s gonna happen now isn’t kid stuff.”

  Duncan pulled out his flute. “Yes,” he said in what he hoped was a sinister voice. “Prepare to hear the worst concerto ever composed for a wind instrument.”

  Gustav turned to Duncan and threw his hands up. “Seriously? That’s what you meant when you said you had a weapon?”

  In a flash, Ruffian pulled a small square of mesh from one of his belt pouches and tossed it. As it flew up in the air, it unfolded into a large net and landed over Gustav.

  “Get it off me!” Gustav cried, and Duncan tried to comply. “You’re poking me in the eye!” Gustav howled. “Drop the flute first!”

  “I’m not dropping my flute on this disgusting street,” Duncan insisted. “I have to put it in my mouth!”

  Ruffian turned to leave. That was when Mr. Troll entered the alleyway and leveled him with an enormous clawed fist.

  As soon as Gustav was free, he and Mr. Troll wrapped the unconscious bounty hunter in the net, and Duncan secured it with fifty-seven different types of knots.

  “One thing you learn from living with Snow White,” Duncan said, “is how to tie a whole bunch of bows.”

  Gustav hoisted Ruffian up and tossed him through the broken window of an empty building across the street from the Stumpy Boarhound. “You know, I think I tossed an unconscious guy through this same window last time we were here,” he said. “Maybe I can make a tradition of it.”

  “My favorite tradition is seeing how many blueberries you can fit up your nose on New Year’s Day,” Duncan said.

  Gustav, Duncan, and Mr. Troll stood in a small circle.

  “Gentlemen,” Gustav said. “Everyone may think of us as the B Team, but we did nice work here today.” He and Mr. Troll exchanged high fives. Duncan attempted one as well but only succeeded in slapping Gustav across the face.

  “I’m just going to pretend that didn’t happen,” Gustav said. “Go, B Team!”

  Lila, Snow, and Briar were waiting at the gates of Avondell Palace as Liam, Ella, and a small man in glasses approached on horseback. The sun had already set, and the sky was darkening by the second.

  “Hey, guys,” Lila said. “My brother’s already kinda nervous about me being on this trip, so maybe we could just not mention the part about me being caught by the bandits.”

  “Relax, sweetie,” Briar said, patting her on the back. She turned to the two pin-striped guardsmen who stood nearby and yelled, “Open it up!”

  Fig. 22

  Little TAYLOR

  The men snapped to action, and the polished pewter gates swung open. Little Taylor rushed past Ella and Liam to be the first inside. He did a backflip off his horse and took a bow. “Hel-lo, ladies,” he said.

  Ella shoved him into an aardvark-shaped shrub and marched past everyone.

  “What’s wrong with her?” Lila asked.

  “She’s miffed at me. It’s nothing,” Liam said, dismounting. “Wait, what happened to you guys? Where are Duncan and Gustav?”

  “Oh, it was terrifying. Your sister got kidnapped by some of Rauber’s men,” Briar said. “She was almost killed.” Lila shot Briar the dirtiest look she could muster.

  “What?” Liam gasped.

  “Oh, she’s fine, though,” Briar said proudly. “I saved her. Me. I made sure she got back alive.” She crossed her arms and held her head high, waiting for thanks and praise to be showered upon her. None came. Everyone rushed to greet Gustav, Duncan, and Mr. Troll, who had just appeared on the path up to the palace. Nobody even noticed when Briar walked away alone.

  The Avondellian princess was back to her usual “perky” self the following morning as she joined Liam—or rather insisted that he join her—for a hearty breakfast.

  “Svenlandian truffle honey?” Briar offered as she smeared a hearty dollop of golden goop on a crumpet. “Gotta eat this stuff while you can; the species of bee that made it is extinct.”

  Liam frowned. “I’m not hungry.” He hadn’t touched the piles of glistening wildebeest bacon, bowls of poached green eggs, or stacks of Briar-shaped pancakes that sat between him and his wife at the breakfast table. “Can we please just get this over with? There are only two days before we have to launch this mission, and we’ve got a lot of training to do.” And by “training” he meant snooping around the palace to uncover Briar’s secrets.

  “My team is waiting for me,” he added. Well, most of my team.

  “Just update me on your plan,” Briar said, biting into a grapefruit. “You keep changing it around, and I want to make sure it’s sound before I send you off to recover the object I desire most in the world.”

  “It’s the same basic idea,” Liam said. “We just had to alter a few details. Little Taylor, disguised as the Gray Phantom, is going to deliver me to Deeb Rauber and ask to stay for the circus as his reward. While I’m being placed in the dungeon, Duncan and Snow will bribe two clowns and take their places. Then they’ll load three crates onto the circus wagons—crates that contain Gustav, Ella, and Lila. Once inside the castle, those three will make their way to the roof, where Lila will slide down the Snake Hole and hit the trigger to open the vault. Halfway through the circus show, Little Taylor will excuse himself, go down to the dungeon, and free me so I can grab the sword from the open vault. Then we all meet by the circus wagons and slip out with them when the performance is over. It’s pretty straightforward.”

  Briar gnawed on a piece of bacon. “Where does the troll come in?”

  “We were going to use him to cause a distraction while the dwarfs tunneled us under the big outer wall, but since we’re not tunneling anymore, I sent Mr. Troll home. He wasn’t very happy about it. Which reminds me, your gardeners will have to carve a few new animal hedges—the cheetah, chimera, and chinchilla didn’t survive his exit.”

  “There’s one bit of the plan I’m a little unclear on,” Briar said. “Your friends in the circus crates—how exactly will they make it up five stories to the roof without being seen?”

  Liam didn’t answer right away because he didn’t know. He closed his eyes, pictured the situation, and hoped a solution would come to him. All he got was: Hire an actor to pretend he’s a bad guy.

  “Still?!” he griped aloud.

  “Yes, Liam, I am still asking this question,” Briar said, assuming he was responding to her. “And I will until you provide me with an adequate answer.”

  “We’ll make this plan work,” Liam said.

  “Not good enough,” Briar said forcefully. “I want the Sword of Erinthia, and the upcoming circus performance provides the perfect chance to get it. I’m not going to waste the opportunity on a group of losers with no real plan. You have two days to tell me how your teammates are getting onto that roof. Otherwise I’ll dump your pals back in prison and send someone else after the sword.” She sat back and dunked a green hard-boiled egg into a glass of cranberry juice before taking a bite of it. “Now go play with your friends and let me finish my morning meal in peace.”

  Liam left, and Briar craned her neck to look all around the room. “Ruffian!” she called. “Ruffian, where are you?”

  She threw her egg angrily to the floor. It landed with a barely audible whump and wobbled slightly, which was very unsatisfying. So she hurled the rest of her br
eakfast to the ground as well. Once everything was shattered and splattered in a delightful mess that would take a servant hours to clean, Briar took a deep breath and smiled to herself. “Ah, now I feel ready.”

  And she stepped outside.

  The door to Avondell Palace’s Royal Gymnasium opened slightly, and Gustav poked his head out into the hallway. The two pin-striped guards standing in the corridor stared at him. “Can we help you, sir?” one asked.

  “You guys gonna be there all day?” Gustav asked.

  The men nodded.

  Gustav pulled his head back in and slammed the door. He walked over to Liam, Duncan, and Lila, who were huddled in the center of the vast marble chamber. “They’re not leaving,” he reported.

  “Okay, we’ve got to make it sound like we’re practicing for a fight in here,” Liam said.

  “I’m on it,” said Duncan. He jogged near the door and began making loud puffing, grunting, snarling, and moaning noises. He grabbed himself by the hair and threw himself to the ground, where he rolled around and barked like a rabid seal.

  “That’ll do,” Liam said. He looked over to Ella, who sat by herself, sour faced, against the far wall. “Are you going to join us?” he asked.

  “I suppose I must,” she grumped. She let out an exaggerated sigh as she stood up and walked over to the others, making sure Liam knew she was still steamed at him.

  “It doesn’t feel right doing this without Tassels,” Gustav said.

  “Look, people,” Liam said, annoyed. “Frederic chose to leave. We can’t put the entire mission on hold. And if any of you are mad at me for moving on without him, get over it. There are more important things at stake here than any of our personal feelings.”

  The others all nodded silently.

  “So, listen,” Liam continued. “We’ve got to figure out what Briar plans to do with the sword, but so far we have no idea where to even start looking.”

  “I do,” Lila said. “I’ve been spying on Briar before she goes to bed at night, and I’ve seen some interesting things.”

  “You did what?” Liam gasped. “You’re going to get yourself caught. Or killed. You cannot keep putting yourself into situations like that.”

  “Jeez,” Lila griped. “Do you ever listen to your own advice? What happened to all that stuff you just said about putting personal feelings aside?”

  Liam shut his mouth, his cheeks reddening.

  “Lila, tell us what you’ve learned,” Ella said. “And make it fast, because—let’s face it—Briar’s going to walk through that door at some point. The woman won’t leave us alone for long.”

  “That’s why I stationed Snow outside her room as a lookout,” Liam said.

  Ella, Lila, and Gustav all stared at him oddly.

  “What?” Liam asked. “Bad idea?”

  Briar stepped out of her bedroom and recoiled at the sight of Snow White standing directly in front of her, wearing a homemade sombrero with strawberries dangling from the brim like fringe.

  “What are you doing here?” Briar sneered.

  “Nothing sneaky,” Snow said.

  “Where are Liam and the others?”

  “Down in the gym, taking lessons in hand-in-hand combat. Or maybe it was hand-to-hand combat. I hope not, because hand-in-hand sounds much sweeter.”

  Briar pushed past her and started on her way to the gymnasium, striding purposefully down her mirror-and-marble corridors. This was never going to work if she couldn’t get Liam and his friends to trust her. She’d been trying for days now to work her way into their group, to spend time with them, become—ugh—friendly with them. But they continually shut her out. It infuriated her.

  More than she thought it should.

  She began to walk faster.

  “Every night, Briar has Reynaldo, the bard, come sing her a lullaby,” Lila told everyone. “That’s a bit suspicious for someone her age, no?”

  “Not necessarily,” said Ella. “Frederic does the same thing back at home.”

  “But with the same song every time?” Lila asked. “I watched Briar twice before your little field trip and then again last night. It’s been the same tune every time.”

  “What’s the song?” Liam said. “Any mention of JJDG?

  “I don’t know. I’ve been kind of . . . dangling outside her window,” she said, glancing at Liam to see if he’d turned completely purple. “. . . so I haven’t been able to hear the lyrics clearly. But I’ve caught snippets—something about a thief and his wife.”

  “At least it’s not ‘The Song of Rapunzel,’” Gustav said. “I half expected it to be. Every time there’s something bad in my life, that woman ends up being part of it somehow.”

  “Gustav, shush!” Ella scolded. “Lila, go on. Quickly.”

  “Okay,” Lila said. “After the song, her behavior gets even more peculiar. As soon as the lullaby is over, she kicks the bard out of her room and starts reading some old book.”

  “Her diary,” Liam said. “I’ve already seen it.”

  “No,” Lila said. “This is something called Remembrance of Kings Past. It looks ancient. Big, yellowing pages with lots of portraits of old-timey people. She always flips straight to the same section toward the back. And she gets all evil-looking while she reads it.” Lila hunched her shoulders, curled her fingers like claws, and arched her eyebrows to demonstrate.

  “Very good likeness,” Ella said.

  “I’m telling you,” Lila said, “that book and that song have something to do with whatever Briar is planning.”

  “All right, people,” said Liam. “Looks like we know what we have to do: break into Briar’s room to snatch the Kings book and spy on her again tonight to hear the bard’s song.”

  Everybody was nodding when the gymnasium door flew open. As Briar stepped into the chamber, Duncan hurled himself into her path, tripping her. Each of the others quickly grabbed the person standing nearest to them and pretended to wrestle.

  “Sorry, sorry!” Duncan said as Briar picked herself off the floor. “Messy business, this handy-dandy combat.”

  “So is this your plan? Shove your way up to the roof?” Briar asked. “I’ve already sent a messenger to Kom-Pai. The ninja team is probably on its way here as we speak, ready to take your place if it must.”

  “No need for that,” Liam said. “We’ve come up with a foolproof way of getting onto the roof without ever needing to step foot inside the castle.” He was lying, of course.

  “Tell me,” Briar said flatly. “I’m on pins and needles.”

  Liam paused. He was blanking out again.

  So Gustav stepped in. “Catapults,” he said.

  Briar started to chuckle but soon realized he was serious. “Catapults?”

  “Yes, that’s right,” Liam said haltingly. “We’re going to use your army’s catapults to launch Ella, Gustav, and Lila over the wall and onto Rauber’s roof.”

  “Without dying?” Briar asked.

  “Mm-hmm,” Liam said, nodding. “They’re going to use, um, glider wings. To land safely.”

  “Intriguing,” Briar said, mulling over the idea. “Okay, you’ll have full use of Avondell’s catapults. But in the meantime, practice is over. The party is this evening.”

  “Party?” Gustav asked, unhappy just to hear the word.

  “Yes, the royal ball,” Briar said. “I mentioned it days ago. Jeez, you people pay no attention to me.”

  “No, we heard you,” said Liam. “We just didn’t think we’d be attending.”

  “Oh, but you have to,” Briar said with a hint of a smile. “It’s our annual June Junior Debutantes’ Gala. The best of Avondellian society will be there. It’s a very big deal.”

  “We’ll skip the party, Briar,” Ella said. “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

  “What work?” Briar asked. “You’ve got your plan figured out. And big, famous heroes like you shouldn’t need to waste time learning how to fight. No, I’ll see you all at the ball.”

  Everybody
slumped simultaneously.

  “But wait,” Ella said. “Can’t we as least train until the dance?”

  “Oh, you won’t have the time, dearie,” Briar said. “You schlubs can’t attend one of my royal galas looking the way you do. I’ll have attendants get you prepared. It shouldn’t take more than four or five hours. By then the party will be starting.”

  There was a long, awkward silence.

  Then Snow burst into the room and shouted, “Briar is coming!”

  Briar smiled at her and left.

  “Catapults, Liam?” Ella asked. “Really?”

  “Yeah, um, I’m the science fair champion here,” Lila said. “And we’ll die if we try that.”

  “What’s wrong with catapults?” Gustav asked.

  “We’re not using catapults,” Liam said. “I just had to agree to some way past the wall so Briar wouldn’t replace us as her strike team. We need to come up with an alternative before the morning of the solstice.”

  “Which is the day after tomorrow,” Lila reminded them.

  “Plus we also need to get that Kings Past book,” Gustav said.

  “And we need to somehow hear Reynaldo’s song,” Ella added. “It’s so much to do.”

  “We’re not really going to this ball tonight, are we?” Lila asked.

  “We can’t miss it!” Liam said. “The dance might be the next step in Briar’s plan: June Junior Debutantes’ Gala? JJDG.” The others nodded in understanding.

  “Plus,” Liam said, “we’re going to use the ball as a cover to steal Briar’s book.”

  And at that, a platoon of silk-suited wardrobesmen and frilly-skirted dressmaids flooded into the gymnasium, ready to drag the heroes off to their rooms, powder their faces, truss up their hair, and squeeze them into outfits that made them look like the display window of a hoity-toity bakery.

  “I can’t believe we’re going to a ball,” Ella moaned as she was whisked away. “Where are you when I need you, Frederic?”