The Hero's Guide to Storming the Castle

by Christopher Healy

  “You wanted to sacrifice us all along,” Liam muttered in disgust.

  “Wanted to, yes—past tense,” Briar said. “But then you and your friends just had to prance around me all week, being all admirable and oddly respectable, and flaunting your worth as human beings. Making me feel guilty about sending you to your dooms. And making me realize that whatever I might have done with the Gem would be child’s play compared to what Rauber—or, heaven forbid, the Darians—could do with it.”

  “You expect me to believe you’ve had some sort of change of heart?” Liam said, almost laughing.

  “I expect you to believe I’m smart enough to realize I was wrong. Don’t think I haven’t struggled with this. I don’t like you, Liam. And it’s obvious you and all your friends can’t stand me. Yet I didn’t leave you to the mercy of the muscle-bound maniac out there. I saved you.”

  “And left Frederic behind!”

  “You know what?” Briar snapped. “You don’t believe me? Here!” She took the Sword of Erinthia by the blade and held it out to Liam.

  Liam looked at her strangely.

  “Here,” she repeated. “Take it. If you really believe I’m out to destroy you, take the sword from me.”

  Liam reached out and took the sword by the handle. Briar let it go.

  “Happy now?” Briar asked. “Go ahead. Take control of my mind. Make me run into a wall or bash my head against that solid gold chamber pot over there.”

  “No,” Liam said.

  “Why not? You hate me.”

  “But I’m not like you.”

  Briar sighed and plopped down into a giant sack of coins like it was a beanbag chair. “You’re insufferable, you know.”

  Up on the roof, Deeb Rauber was still monologuing. “. . . and that’s why villains get all the glory. And that’s why, even among villains, I get the most glory. And that’s why I, even among the top ten youngest villains—”

  “I am sorry to interrupt, sir,” Vero said, looking out into the distance. “But that troll you told your men not to worry about—I believe he is on your wall.”

  “You’d better be wrong about that,” Rauber said. Vero tossed him a spyglass, and he peered through it. “Holy cripes! The troll’s on my wall! Why haven’t they killed it? Oh, for crying out loud, it looks like it’s beating my guys! Argh! Someone’s going through the spanking machine for this! Vero, over here now!”

  Vero ran to Rauber’s side. The Bandit King began shouting a long list of complex orders at him, pointing in seemingly random directions, and occasionally jumping up and down. While the Bandit King ranted and raged, Ruffian appeared from behind a tattoo booth (having ditched the wig and bow tie). He slipped silently over to Lila and drew his sword.

  “Please don’t kill me,” Lila whispered.

  “And deprive the world of the most promising young bounty hunter I’ve seen in years?” he replied as he cut her bindings.

  “I knew you weren’t all bad,” Lila said, flashing him a sly grin.

  “You knew no such thing,” he returned. He grabbed her by the hand. “Come. We’re escaping over the side.”

  Lila pulled away. “Not so fast, Ruff. I’m not leaving my friends behind.”

  “You need to get to safety. And stop calling me that.”

  “Look, Ruff,” Lila said. “You claim you’re not a villain. Prove it to me.”

  Ruffian huffed. “Fine,” he said. “Hide over there and don’t come out.” He pushed Lila behind a rain barrel and charged at Rauber’s men. Taking them by surprise, he flipped through the air and delivered a pair of flying kicks to the chins of the two unimportant bandits.

  “You!” Ella shouted. “I never thought I’d actually be happy to see you.” Ruffian slashed through her ropes and handed her a sword.

  “Take care of your friends,” he said to Ella, and turned to fend off an attack from Falco.

  Swinging a fat broadsword, Madu leapt into the fray. Ella ducked, and Gustav smashed the tattooed Darian between the eyes with a powerful head butt.

  “Free my hands,” Gustav said as Madu hit the ground and began morphing into his snake form. Ella cut Gustav’s ropes and handed him Madu’s fallen sword before she charged out to attack Vero.

  As Ruffian’s sword clacked against the blades of the three foes he was dueling at once, Gustav turned to free Duncan. But before he could, the giant sand snake barged in between them, whipping Duncan to the ground and coiling around Gustav.

  “Well, well,” said Vero. “It is quite the predicament you have put me in, yes? I have never before dueled a lady. It seems inappropriate, no?”

  “I’ll let you be the judge of that,” Ella said. And she lashed into him.

  “I am impressed,” Vero said. “You have had training, no?”

  “Yes, from Liam,” Ella said. “Liam of Erinthia.” She jabbed; Vero sidestepped.

  “The fellow in the dungeon?” Vero said. “Oh, I would have liked to have dueled him then. Too bad he is most certainly dead by now.”

  The comment caught Ella off guard, and Vero’s sword slashed across her cheek, drawing blood.

  “I am sorry it had to come to that, dear lady,” Vero said. “Would you like to surrender now?”

  “Not a chance,” Ella growled. And she kicked Vero in the gut.

  Lila could not just crouch there watching her friends fight for their lives. She grabbed her rope and stepped out from behind the rain barrel to help. But Deeb Rauber was waiting for her.

  “You know, I don’t normally allow girls inside my castle,” the Bandit King said. “But maybe I’d make an exception for you.”

  “Eww, are you flirting with me?” Lila winced.

  “What’s flirting?” Rauber asked. He’d never blushed before in his life; but he felt his cheeks getting strangely warm, and he didn’t like it. “Look, I just thought you seemed pretty tough for a girl. A compliment from the Bandit King is incredibly rare, you know. You should be groveling in thanks.”

  “That’s likely,” Lila snarked.

  “Never mind!” Rauber snapped. “I should have known better than to try to talk to a girl.” He pulled a dagger from his belt and pointed it at her.

  Duncan lay on the ground, desperately trying to untie the ropes that bound his wrists together. Suddenly he heard a squeak.

  “King Moonracer, you came back for me!” he cried. The rat skittered behind him and gnawed through the ropes, freeing him. “Woo-hoo!” Duncan shouted.

  He ducked into the tattoo booth and emerged a second later with a handful of long, pointy needles. He charged at the giant snake and rammed twenty needles at once into its scaly body. The snake’s head darted upward in shock, and its grip loosened just enough for Gustav to wriggle free of its serpentine clutches.

  Before Duncan knew it, though, he was trapped. The snake reared up and flicked its forked tongue in Duncan’s face, while Falco crept up behind him.

  “Duck!” Gustav shouted. And astonishingly, Duncan did not start looking for signs of waterfowl; he crouched down just as Gustav grabbed the snake by its tail and began spinning in a circle, swinging the long creature around like a huge propeller. With a whoosh, Madu’s thick snake head sailed over Duncan and whammed into Falco like a mallet, sending him hurtling into a nearby candy booth. Gustav let go of the snake, which flopped to the ground in a dizzy stupor.

  “How’d you get free?” Gustav asked Duncan.

  “King Moonracer.”

  “The rat?” Gustav said. “How’d you manage that?”

  Duncan smiled and showed Gustav the piece of cheese that was in his hand.

  “Where’d you get the cheese?” Gustav asked.

  “I always have cheese,” Duncan replied as if answering the silliest question he’d ever heard.

  Vero charged at Ella with a series of frenzied slashes, finally knocking her weapon from her hand.

  “You are good,” he said. “But I think you must agree that I am simply superior.” He knew he had defeated this fascinating woman an
d couldn’t resist the urge to show off just a bit. As he came in for the final blow, he spun gracefully, his long ponytail flowing out behind him. Ella grabbed a handful of flapping hair and jerked Vero off balance. As the swordsman stumbled over, she brought her knee up into his face.

  “Capes, ponytails—they’re all the same,” Ella said. She looked down at Vero, who was on his knees, cradling his broken nose. “Never underestimate a woman again.”

  “Dis I will nod do,” Vero mumbled in a stuffy voice.

  Deeb Rauber was sneering at Lila, flashing his dagger in her face.

  “Nice pocketknife,” Lila mocked. “I suppose they only let the big boys play with real swords.”

  Fig. 41

  DEEB, angry

  “It’s not a sword; it’s a dagger,” Rauber whined. “And I’m pretty sure you know that. You’re just trying to make me angry.”

  “Ooh, what happens when you get angry?” Lila said, surreptitiously dropping the loop of her rope in front of her. “Do you turn into a whiny brat? ’Cause, in that case, I think it’s already happened.”

  Rauber took a step toward her. As soon as his foot landed inside the circle of rope, Lila yanked her end. The loop closed up like a noose around Rauber’s ankle, and he fell flat on his back. Lila ran for the Snake Hole, dragging the Bandit King behind her.

  “Ow! Ow! Hey! Stop!” he cried as he was pulled along.

  Heaving with all her might, Lila yanked Rauber to the edge of the hole and gave him a good, solid shove with her foot. The Bandit King slid headfirst into the Snake Hole. Lila slammed down the metal lid and scanned the rooftop. Gustav, Ella, and Duncan had all gathered together and seemed to be okay for the moment. She waved to them.

  “Okay, Ruff,” Lila called. “We can go now.”

  Ruffian easily knocked out the last two bandits as if he’d just been waiting for Lila’s say-so.

  “Hold on,” he said, swinging her onto his back. With Lila clinging tightly, he ran to the rear edge of the roof, dove over the side, and skidded briskly down the rope that was waiting for him.

  Vero staggered groggily to his feet. Ella and the others were nowhere in sight, but he heard a strange, muffled sound: his boss’s voice shouting from the depths of the Snake Hole.

  “Vero! Vero, get me out of here!”

  Rauber was trapped at the bottom of the dark tunnel. Upside down. With his shoulder jammed painfully against the vault lever.

  The vault door clicked and swung open suddenly, bonking Frederic in the nose. He staggered backward as Liam and Briar burst from the vault.

  “Thank goodness,” Liam said, and then did a double take. “Rapunzel?”

  “Long story,” Rapunzel said.

  “Liam, you got the sword,” Frederic said excitedly.

  “Yes, the big hero has the prize,” Briar said impatiently. “Now, can we leave before someone finds us down here.”

  The quartet ran through the dungeon corridors, past a door marked KNEE-SKINNING ROOM and a complicated-looking device labeled ARMPIT HAIR PULLER. They passed a cupboard-size door in the wall, and Frederic stopped to peek inside.

  “It’s a dumbwaiter,” he said. “Climbing up this shaft won’t be easy, but I doubt we’ll run into any bandits along the way.”

  “It’s worth a try,” Liam said. Briar shoved her way to the front of the line, crawled into the dumbwaiter shaft, and began hoisting herself up the rope.

  “We need a fast way downstairs,” Ella said as she, Gustav, and Duncan ran around the dome on the castle rooftop.

  “How about the dumbwaiter thingy?” Duncan suggested.

  He ran to the dome and opened the dumbwaiter door.

  “Sounds good to me,” Gustav said, climbing in.

  Ella followed, with Duncan close behind. “I just hope this rope holds all of us.”

  Snap! It didn’t.

  “Ack!” Briar screamed as Gustav’s eel-chewed backside came falling at her. In a cacophony of shouts and groans, one body after another crashed together, and everyone landed in a heap at the bottom of the dumbwaiter shaft.

  “I didn’t do it,” Duncan said.

  “Oh, great,” Briar moaned. “It’s the clown.”

  “Briar?” Ella asked angrily. “Did you cut the rope to trap us?”

  “Yes, it was all part of my plan to trap you on top of me,” Briar replied sarcastically.

  “Ella?” Liam squeaked from somewhere beneath her.

  “Cape-Man?” Gustav asked.

  “Gustav?” Rapunzel called up.

  “Rapunzel?!” Gustav shrieked.

  “Why do I always end up on the bottom of these pileups?” Frederic moaned.

  “Hold on, everybody,” Liam said. “Let’s squeeze out of here first and then sort things out.”

  Slowly and painfully, they tumbled one by one onto the dungeon floor.

  “You okay, Blondie?” Gustav asked. “You’re supposed to be back in Avondell.”

  Rapunzel nodded. “I’ll survive.” She smiled at him sweetly. “Thanks for asking.”

  “Well, you know, you’re here to heal us,” he said. “If you get hurt, who’s gonna heal you?”

  Gustav’s cheeks burned red. He was awkwardly trying to look anywhere other than at Rapunzel.

  “Wait, where’s Lila?” Liam asked nervously.

  “Don’t worry,” said Ella. “She’s with Ruffian.”

  “Oh, good,” Liam said. “Wait? Is that good?”

  “Where’s Little Taylor?” Duncan asked.

  “You don’t want to know,” said Liam.

  “I’m okay, too,” Briar said loudly. “Thanks for checking, everybody.”

  “Well, how do we get out now?” Frederic asked.

  “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea,” Briar said, losing patience. “Why don’t we go back the way we came in?”

  The group rushed toward the stairwell door.

  “Ella, when did you cut your hair?” Liam asked as they ran.

  “Wait!” Rapunzel cried as they passed the cellblock. Everyone stopped. “Where’s that unreasonably large man?”

  The floor in front of Liam’s old cell, where Wrathgar had been lying unconscious, was now bare.

  “Oh, that’s not good,” muttered Frederic.

  The dungeon master stepped out of the shadows. “If you thought I was mad before,” he said, “you haven’t seen anything yet.”

  28

  THE VILLAIN WINS

  If your followers are not listening to you, it had better be because you’ve cut off their ears.

  —THE WARLORD’S PATH TO POWER: AN ANCIENT TOME OF DARIAN WISDOM

  At the sight of Wrathgar, the first thought that went through Gustav’s head was Gotta make sure Rapunzel and Frederic get out okay. But what he said was “Where have you been hiding this guy? This is the fight I’ve been looking for!”

  He took a step toward the dungeon master, and Frederic tried to hold him back. “Gustav, wait, you don’t know what he’s like.”

  “Based on the look of him, I’ve got a pretty good idea,” Gustav said. “You guys get out. I’ll take care of the Masked Marvel.”

  He drew his sword and charged at Wrathgar.

  “No,” Liam shouted.

  But it was too late. The dungeon master grabbed Gustav’s sword by the blade and twisted it out of his hand. In a second, Wrathgar’s enormous hand was wrapped around Gustav’s throat.

  Liam held up the Sword of Erinthia. “Stop!” he shouted.

  Wrathgar went right on squeezing.

  “Why . . . are . . . none . . . of . . . you . . . leaving?” Gustav gurgled to his teammates.

  Liam tried again. “I command you to drop Gustav.”

  Wrathgar lifted Gustav off the ground by his throat.

  “Are you touching the gem?” Briar asked urgently. “You have to be in contact with it!”

  “I am!” Liam snapped in frustration.

  Gustav started gasping for air.

  “Give it up, Liam; it’s not working,” E
lla said, and leapt at Wrathgar with her sword. With the back of his hand, the dungeon master knocked Ella up against the wall. Her weapon flew from her hand as she slid to the floor.

  “Drop him!” Liam shouted, twisting the sword. “C’mon, drop him!”

  Gustav’s face turned red, then a sickly blue.

  “You’re not doing it right,” Briar said.

  “Yes, I am,” Liam shouted. “It’s just not working!”

  When Gustav went limp, Duncan first let out a mournful cry. Then he got angry. He held his fist in front of him and ran straight at Wrathgar.

  “Syllllll-vaaaaaaah-riiiiii-aaaaa!”

  Wrathgar flicked a single finger at Duncan and send the petite prince hurtling into an empty prison cell.

  “He’ll kill them all,” Frederic gasped.

  “Give me the sword, Liam,” Briar said.

  “No,” Liam snapped, keeping his focus on Wrathgar. Sweat pouring from his brow began to mix with tears in his eyes. Gustav wasn’t moving.

  “You were right, Liam,” Briar said with a sudden realization. “In the vault when you said you weren’t like me, you were right. You’re too good. You can’t connect with the malevolent power in that gem. But we know I can. Give me the sword.”

  Liam looked away from Wrathgar and locked eyes with Briar. There was a pleading look on her face that was unlike anything Liam had seen from her before. She held out her hand.

  “Trust me.”

  He gave her the sword.

  Briar turned around to face Wrathgar and rubbed her finger over the odd orange jewel at the base of the blade. The dungeon master’s body suddenly went stiff. He opened his hand and let Gustav fall to the floor.

  “He’s not breathing,” Frederic cried. Rapunzel hurried to the fallen prince and ran her hands over his chest. She began to weep.

  “I’m fine, I’m fine,” Gustav wheezed, waving her away. “Quit it. You’re getting me wet.”

  “Thank you,” Frederic said to Briar.

  Liam said nothing. He ran to help Ella and Duncan back to their feet.

  Gustav marveled at Wrathgar, who still stood frozen in place. “You’re controlling him?”