Thabo, the space dude

by Lori-Ann Preston

  → ABSOLUTELY NO SAY OVER MY LIFE. ←

  I really didn't want to go alone, so I took Gany along for some moral support.

  Don't judge me. You'd do the same.

  We nervously arrived at the beach to find the whole area cordoned off with red and white tape and about 300 military police.

  →→→ HOLY MOLY!

  I have no idea how I'm going to sneak Kurt and Zen past this lot.

  I was actually really excited to catch a glimpse of the space shuttle, and I certainly wasn't disappointed.

  Impressive, right?

  Alongside the space shuttle was a huge white dome. I guessed my training was going to happen in the dome.

  My excitement quickly faded when I met my boot camp instructors.

  Professor BushyBeard didn't seem too bad, but he smelt like cooking cabbage. Eeuww! Sergeant BullyBeef was just plain, brute-force cruelty personified.

  I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I was scared spitless of him.

  BullyBeef gave me an evil sneer, grabbed my innocent little chick and locked it in a cage. I was most unhappy about this. It's important to me that Gany is raised as a free-range chicken.

  It was decided that I would spend my first day with Professor BushyBeard. His job was to teach me how to speak Martian.

  Who would have thought there was such a language?

  In any case, it was incredibly hard and, as far as I’m concerned, a great big load of NONSENSE.

  Here's a list of some of the ridiculous words I had to learn (I'm sure I'll have forgotten them all by tomorrow):

  Bing bing joag fee = Hello

  Dwig shabadoo = Take me to your leader

  Ping yee ven = Don't eat me

  Bur bur chee twong = I am your friend

  Zipnok = Goodbye

  TUESDAY

  → 12 DAYS left on Earth. That’s right, 12!

  Sergeant BullyBeef locked me in a small room for the whole day!

  All by myself – for the WHOLE DAY!

  He said I needed to learn what it felt like to be isolated from humanity.

  I was bored out of my skull.

  → → → → Fourth worst day of my life.

  The only thing I could do was play ching chong cha against myself, 2 364 times.

  As soon as I got home that afternoon, I phoned Kurt and Zen to rethink ways to sneak them aboard the shuttle. There is no way I am going to Mars without them.

  I need friends in my life.

  WEDNESDAY

  → 11 DAYS remaining.

  O H N O !

  Once again, I got stuck with Sergeant BullyBeef. This time he forced me to go into the Altitude Chamber.

  I officially DETEST that man!

  The chamber is intended for seeing how a person reacts with only a little oxygen. He called it hypoxia.

  I asked him if it felt anything like having chicken pox, because I certainly didn't want a repeat of that.

  On a positive note, hypoxia is nothing like chicken pox. On a negative note, it's much, much worse! I'm talking like 100% worse.

  Sergeant BullyBeef locked me in the chamber and told me to relax. That man needed to have his head read if he thought I was going to be able to relax in that confined unit.

  He then proceeded to slowly reduce the oxygen in the chamber, making it nearly impossible to breathe. I was left gasping for air like a little goldfish thrown out of its bowl.

  I thought I was going to die!

  While I was trying to breathe, he forced me to do some really lame exercises. I had to play a few clapping rhythm games and try to place my finger on my nose.

  I was extremely embarrassed as I must have looked like a complete idiot. I was unable to do any of those simple things with so little oxygen going to my brain.

  BullyBeef thought it was great entertainment. He laughed his head off while I sat suffering. That man is cruel.

  Eventually he let me out of the torture chamber.

  I was absolutely FURIOUS!

  If my Mama hadn't taught me such good manners, there's no telling what I would have said to that maniac.

  Luckily for him (and me, I guess), I didn't voice my thoughts out loud.

  As far as I'm concerned, the whole hypoxia torture chamber exercise was an epic waste of time.

  Mars has a total of zero oxygen, so I'll always be walking around outside in my oxygen-filled space suit anyway.

  THURSDAY

  → 10 DAYS to go. The final countdown has begun. Dun, dun, dunnn!

  Mars Stinking Boot Camp resumed!

  I was definitely not up for another day with Sergeant BullyBeef, so I was relieved to be back with Professor BushyBeard today.

  That was until I found out what the lesson was about.

  Today he taught me how to recycle my own pee!

  Apparently water is going to be an issue on our flight to Mars, so we will have to redrink our liquids.

  By "liquids", he means pee!?

  Okay, these people are completely mad if they think I'm going to be doing that!

  I mean, it's pee!

  THIS IS A TOTAL NIGHTMARE!

  FRIDAY

  → 9 DAYS left on Earth. I know, I know, totally hectic!

  Today I was to experience zero gravity.

  I hadn't a clue what that meant. But, judging from my previous experiences at boot camp, it was going to suck royally.

  I honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to cope with any more of the physical and emotional abuse I was being forced to endure.

  Apparently, Earth has gravity (the force that holds us on to the ground), but Mars has zero gravity.

  So when we walk around on Mars, we're going to have to wear special heavy boots to keep us on the ground.

  I sincerely hope I don't ever wake up and accidentally forget to put my boots on.

  Sergeant BullyBeef drove me to the airport and escorted me to a jet.

  True story, a jet!

  I'm rather ashamed to admit it, but I was absolutely terrified, even though it was a jet! (Like only the coolest thing ever!)

  BullyBeef threatened to lock me back in the small room if I didn't get on board. Idiot!

  There was no way I was going to be spending another day all on my own, so I plucked up some courage and stepped on board.

  Gany came with me for the flight, because BullyBeef thought it would be fun to torture me and my little chick. Shame!

  I mentioned to BullyBeef that I thought Gany and I may be too young for this sort of thing, but he couldn't care less.

  The jet flew up into the air for about 32 000 feet. I must have perspired about 10 buckets of sweat and I almost cried. (Please don't tell anyone. Seriously embarrassing.)

  The pilot then did some flying curves in the air. When the jet curved, I got to experience zero gravity!

  Guess what?

  It was FANTASTIC!

  Far better than surfing or riding a rollercoaster. Gany and I flew around that jet like Superman and Superchick. It was sooooo super, epically COOL!

  When the pilot headed back to Earth, I started to feel nauseous. It felt like I had a stomach full of fermented samp and beans, mixed with rotten eggs and sour milk – a seriously nasty combination!

  As soon as Gany and I stepped off the jet, we both heaved three times and proceeded to vomit all over BullyBeef's shiny boots.

  I couldn't have been happier!

  That's exactly what that troll deserved. BEST MOMENT EVER.

  Needless to say, we both turned and ran for our dear lives.

  SATURDAY

  → 8 DAYS left, then goodbye Earth.

  I was so ready to get some much-needed downtime alone with my PlayStation and PJs, but Mama and Tata woke me up at the crack of dawn to inform me that we were going t
o be holding a garage sale.

  Why can't people just leave me alone? It's Saturday! "Please," I begged, with tears in my eyes, "Go away!"

  I need PEACE! And RELAXATION!

  Apparently, everything we own needs to be sold.

  All proceeds from the sale were going to be donated to charity. Mama said we'd have no use for money on Mars, as there would be absolutely nothing to buy.

  I wasn't completely convinced.

  When I sold my skateboard and rugby ball, I kept the money. One never knows what aliens might find valuable.

  Mama, Tata and Gogo didn't seem to mind what amount of money they got for our possessions, or who bought our stuff.

  I, on the other hand, wanted to ensure that my stuff went to deserving kids.

  I flat out refused to sell my PlayStation. Mama and Tata tried to reason with me, but I wasn't having any of it. It was time to stand up for my own rights.

  I'd given up my time, my life, Mbali, my friends, etc., etc.... but giving up my PlayStation (as well as the TV) – that's where I draw the line!

  The garage sale went on for the whole day.

  It was actually quite traumatic, watching every item we owned (apart from my PlayStation and TV) being sold.

  At the end of the day, we were left only with Gogo's broken antique vase, which Tata had superglued back together.

  O O P S !

  Daily record of activities for week 4

  SUNDAY

  → 7 DAYS remaining

  As my parents had sold my bed, I had to spend the night on my bedroom floor.

  I'm sure that may fit into some sort of child abuse category. I mean, it's the floor. You know, that rock-hard, cold thing that you stand on.

  Understandably, I woke up in a very GRUMPY mood!

  I walked into the kitchen to stuff my sorrows with food, but the only thing left in there was a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and one knife. Everything else had been sold. More child abuse.

  Feeling very sorry for myself, I made a sarmie and went back to my bedroom. Thankfully, I still had my precious PlayStation.

  Gany, my PlayStation and I spent the entire day bonding.

  Finally, a day of peace and quiet.

  SIGH!

  MONDAY

  → 6 DAYS to go. Very close now!

  I was enjoying such a lovely surfing dream when Mama rudely woke me up. She reminded me that I still had three days left of Mars Boot Camp before take-off.

  O H N O !

  I honestly didn't think I'd manage to cope with three more days of Professor BushyBeard and Sergeant BullyBeef's instructing. Those two are seriously dodgy individuals.

  I thought about trying the rabies stunt again, but I remembered how that didn't go too well the first time.

  Filled with despair, I headed back to Nahoon Beach for further torture. Poor me.

  Today, BushyBeard told me that I was going to receive some top-secret information.

  That was not good news, because if there is one thing I simply cannot do, it's keep a secret. It's as if the secret takes up all the space in my brain, and I can't think clearly until I've offloaded it.

  Anyhoo, Professor BushyBeard wanted to show me how to access the hidden weaponry aboard the space shuttle, in case we encountered any sticky situations en route to Mars. Huh?

  By "sticky situations", he meant ALIEN ATTACKS!

  You heard me right. But let me repeat it nonetheless – ALIEN ATTACKS! Clearly, this man is completely bonkers, or he's been watching way too many sci-fi movies.

  Nevertheless, I decided to go along with his mumbo jumbo (just in case). If I was gonna be involved in any kind of alien attacks, I was going to be boy scout-prepared.

  He showed me a top-secret compartment containing a small control panel with three buttons on it.

  The red button is to be used to launch torpedoes and missiles. Huh?

  I signed up for a mission to Mars, not a mission to blow up aliens. I'm a peaceful individual. And I love all creatures. Just look at the special relationship between Gany and me.

  Regardless, I paid attention.

  BushyBeard stressed that I should first fire a warning shot before firing torpedoes and missiles at enemy vessels.

  → → → As if I ever would.

  And, I must make sure to access our defensive shields by pushing the green button.

  Seriously? I'm 11! I'm too young to deal with this stress.

  The blue button accesses the lasers.

  The lasers are apparently excellent weapons for cutting through enemy vessels' wings.

  Just as I was considering making a run for it, out of the dome to Timbuktu or some other remote place, Sergeant BullyBeef walked into the room.

  Noooo! My whole body froze up and I immediately had the urge to pee.

  BullyBeef was in a particularly cranky mood. I don't think he's forgiven me for vomiting on his boots.

  He marched me out of the dome and onto the beach, and placed two very peculiar-looking weapons in my hands: a flak gun and an energy bomb. I kid you not!

  Apparently, the flak gun immobilises enemy aliens, causing them to freeze in their tracks. The energy bomb blows them to smithereens.

  W H A T ?

  All I can say about this secret weaponry stuff is:

  1.Those enemy aliens better not mess with me, because if I'm forced to blow them up, I will. Kind-hearted person or not.

  2.I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm far too young for this sort of pressure!

  3.I'm so telling Kurt and Zen. Forget this top-secret nonsense.

  TUESDAY

  → 5 DAYS remaining.

  Today Sergeant BullyBeef decided to teach me how to physically defend myself against an alien.

  I was really excited about this.

  Not because I wanted to beat up aliens, but because it was my chance to impress that bully with my mad combat skills.

  I knew I'd be good at hand-to-hand combat.

  Firstly, because I play rugby (even though I'm on the D team) and secondly, because I rock at all martial arts PlayStation games.

  My sidekick gaming move is particularly impressive.

  Sergeant BullyBeef and I made our way back out on to the beach, where he demanded that I try to attack him.

  Now, you must understand that I was supremely nervous about this call to action. Firstly, because he was triple my size, and secondly because he was triple my size!

  Nevertheless, it was a good opportunity to give him some serious PAYBACK for the way he'd been treating me. That warty toad could do with a SERIOUS thumping.

  Even though I'm not a violent person by nature, I prepared for the attack.

  I knew I had to hit first and hit hard, because there was absolutely no way I was going to survive a direct hit from him. My plan was to aim for one of his vital spots, incapacitate him and then finish him off.

  Mission accomplished!

  I took a run-up towards him, preparing to kick him in the stomach, followed by an elbow jab to the head.

  Unfortunately, my plan of attack went horribly wrong.

  X X X It was TOTALLY HUMILIATING!!

  I seriously considered going to retrieve one of those energy bombs and blowing him to bits.

  WEDNESDAY

  → 4 DAYS left.

  Today BushyBeard gave me a tour of the space shuttle. The flight deck looked insane. I’ve never seen so many buttons in all my life.

  Fortunately, Tata has flown to space six times. He delivers supplies to space stations. So knowing what all those buttons do is his problem, not mine.

  The whole time I was on the tour, I kept looking for places to hide Kurt and Zen. The drawers were all full of stuff and there was no fridge, freezer or oven to stash them in.

  I asked BushyBeard
where we would be storing our food. Apparently, the only food we’re taking will be dried, or in a powder form.

  YUCK!

  I really hope there are some edible alien animals on Mars. I don't think I'm ready to become a full-on vegetarian, and I'm definitely not ready to give up our famous South African braais.

  The best hiding spot I could think of for my two buddies was the tank beneath the portable toilet. Hardly perfect, I know.

  When I got home that evening, I phoned Kurt and Zen and informed them of my clever plan. Even though the toilet tank would almost certainly be empty, my so-called friends point-blank refused to be stowed away in a toilet.

  I couldn't believe it. I would so get into a toilet for them. Why couldn't they do it for me?

  THURSDAY

  → 3 DAYS!

  Mars Boot Camp is complete! Wahoo!

  Since Zen and Kurt were at school, Gany and I hung out for the day. I’m really starting to dig that little chick.

  FRIDAY

  → 2 DAYS left on Earth.

  Mama and Tata said I could have a farewell party.

  I wasn't too thrilled about this idea because there is always the chance that nobody will pitch, and I'm not up to that kind of stress.

  But, I guess I have nothing to lose.

  The worst-case scenario is that only Kurt and Zen pitch. The best-case scenario is that Mbali (my one and only) attends and I finally get my long-awaited kiss.

  I was planning to be really picky about who I'd allow to attend my party. After all, I am a celebrity now and I've been kissed by just about every girl in the school. (Except, of course, by the one who really matters.)