by Lynn Stevens
I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat.
He stepped closer, barely an arm’s length away. “It wasn’t that long ago when we were at our spot at the lake. Our sweaty bodies slapping against one another.”
“How many other girls did you take there? To our spot?” I asked quietly.
“Our spot?” His face screwed up in confusion, and I knew. I knew it didn’t mean to him what I thought it had. I was such a fucking fool.
“Good luck in Georgia, Eddie.”
I turned before he could say anything and climbed back into the car. Aiden didn’t hesitate. He put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. We didn’t talk. My mind reeled with too many memories, too many thoughts, too much everything. I couldn’t grasp any of it.
Aiden turned up the radio at the worst possible time. “Never Again” by Cami Ann Harris filled the space around us. I’d heard it just before graduation, and I ignored the hell out of it. Until now. Hearing my former best friend sing about never getting with an abusive guy again, that was too much.
“Pull over,” I ordered. A parking lot appeared on the right. “In there. Pull over.”
Aiden didn’t say a word as he parked in the empty lot. The lines for parking spaces were faded, and weeds grew through the cracks. The lights hadn’t even come on. He let the engine idle and turned toward me.
I didn’t give him a chance to ask me what was wrong. It was like my body levitated over the center console and landed on his lap. I kissed him with all the pent-up anger, frustration, and passion inside me. Aiden didn’t hold back either. His tongue rocked with mine in a fast, hip hop dance. I poured all of myself into every inch of our connection.
Until a rap on the window drew us apart.
Aiden didn’t take his gaze off me as he rolled down the window.
“Take it somewhere else, kids,” the cop said, shining his light into the car. “This ain’t no place to make babies.”
Talk about sobering up fast.
“All our clothes are on,” I pointed out as I climbed back over to my seat.
The flashlight shone directly into my face. “Ah, Miranda Reynolds.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “Hello, Officer Nicks.”
“Get on out of here before I have to call your daddy,” Officer Nicks said with an attempt to be stern. “I’d hate to have to do that this time.”
“Yes, sir,” Aiden said. His voice quaked in something bordering on anger or maybe it was fear. Sometimes those went hand in hand.
Officer Nicks slapped the hood twice and stepped back, waiting for us to heed his authority and leave.
“This time?” Aiden asked as he put the car in drive. I didn’t answer him. We were a few blocks away when he asked again.
“It’s a long story.” And one I didn’t want to share, especially not after Eddie’s attempt at romance or whatever that was. “It’s not worth remembering.”
Aiden laughed harshly. “Because it involved him.”
My skin crawled at the way he said that. It wasn’t like I didn’t get where Aiden was coming from, but I’d been upfront with him regarding Eddie. Well, I came clean at least. So, if he wanted to hear about my little tangle with the law, he would hear the entire horrible truth.
“Actually, it didn’t.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was last summer when I was so out of… out of my mind. I’d gotten drunk at the lake, and I’d jumped in. I didn’t want to come up for air. I wanted to float to the bottom and be done with it. Somebody pulled me out. The cops were called. I was screaming uncontrollably, asking why they just didn’t let me die. And I attacked whoever was near me.” I opened my eyes and turned toward him. “Officer Nicks was there. He called my dad. He also called my dad a few months later when he found me passed out in a park. So now you know. And you can take me back home.”
He was silent for a long time, but he hadn’t turned the car around. My gaze on his face never wavered. His jaw moved in circles, grinding his teeth. Then he sighed and turned into a movie theater. He didn’t say a word until he found a spot and turned off the engine.
“That must have been hard,” he said softly.
I almost laughed. “My life hasn’t been easy. I’m lucky in many ways, but I’ve got issues. You know that. I’ve never said I’m perfect, Aiden. If you want to be with someone who doesn’t have baggage, tell me now.”
He didn’t say anything. His gaze focused on something outside the car.
“I’ll just call an Uber.” I opened the door and got out. Leaning against the passenger door, I steeled myself against the emotions bubbling inside me. I wasn’t going to cry. Nice guys didn’t want someone who was so used up. Between my short stint with ecstasy, my suicide attempt, and my depression, I was a walking timebomb that could blow at any minute. Yeah, Aiden might want to be a knight in shining armor, but he wasn’t. Nobody was. I had to save myself. Even if that means being miserable for a while.
“Miranda?”
I looked to where he stood by the trunk. “I don’t want you to call an Uber.”
“I don’t want you to take me home if this is over,” I said with more calm than I felt. “I would rather walk away now.”
He took a tentative step closer. “I don’t want you to walk away either. I’m not.”
I swallowed hard and pressed my lips together. Aiden held out his hand. I stared at it for a moment. If I was him, I’d walk away from the hot mess of me. He lifted his hand, and damn me, I took it. I wanted what he offered.
Aiden pulled me into his arms and wrapped his arms tight around me. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I reacted poorly. Seeing him show up at your house like that set me on edge then the thing with the cop pushed me over. You didn’t deserve my attitude.”
I looked up at him, at the sincerity in his eyes. “No, I don’t deserve you at all.”
Aiden bent down and kissed me like I’d break. It was sweet, gentle, and had a promise I needed more than air.
Hope.
Chapter Thirteen
A finger tapped my shoulder. I pulled the AirPod from my ear and glanced over my shoulder to see the spitting image of my father. Luke was the oldest of the Reynolds family and heir apparent to the throne. And he walked around the resort like he was already wearing the crown. Basically, he was set to run Mountain View Resort when Dad finally retired. Carly would move back eventually and run the theater. Me? I was on my own and that was fine.
“What?” I asked after I shut off the vacuum.
“No headphones.” He pointed to my ears.
“I’m not wearing headphones. They’re AirPods, and Dad said I could especially since I’m the only person who actually shows up to work.” I put the earbud back in and turned the vacuum to drown out his lecture. Luke must have given up, then I experienced another tap on my shoulder. I yanked it out and turned on my brother. “What?”
Aiden held up his hands. “Sorry.”
“Oh shit,” I said, feeling like the wool was simultaneously pulled over my head and yanked out from underneath me. “Sorry, I thought you were my brother.”
“God, I hope not,” he said with mocking wide eyes.
“What’s up?” I glanced toward the unused conference room to my left.
“I’m done for the day. We’ve got a family dinner tonight, but I wanted to see if you’re free tomorrow?” He stepped closer, then checked around before kissing my nose quickly.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I said.
“Seven, duchess?”
“Perfect, but…” It was my turn to make sure nobody was watching. The hallway was empty. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into the dark conference room. “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow for this.”
I pushed him against the door and kissed him like we were in that empty parking lot. Aiden kissed me back with equal abandon. We stayed in there too long, and too brief in my opinion, but I was still on the clock. The last thing I needed was my brother or my father walking in on this. Even if we
were fully clothed. I broke our intense connection, my fingers digging into his shoulders.
“Just something to tide you over until tomorrow,” I said before stepping back.
Aiden reached for me, but I moved away despite my desire to throw him down on the floor. I waved a finger and opened the door. After checking the hallway, I stepped out and turned the vacuum cleaner on. Aiden walked past me, his fingers grazing my lower back as he passed by. It was going to be hard to wait another night to see him, but we had our own family dinner planned tonight and Lily was coming over tomorrow on my day off for some homemade spa time. Aiden would have to wait.
It was still early when I got home. Mom and Dad had insisted on a rare family dinner. Normally it was just the three of us, but Luke and his new girlfriend Camilla were also coming over. Mom was in full hostess mode. I ducked up the stairs to my room before she could rope me into whatever help she needed.
Not that I didn’t mind helping Mom, it was her obsession with how everything was done. If I misplaced a fork, she’d change it. Why bother if everything I did wasn’t just right? So I hid when I could. She wasn’t even cooking. Having Luke bring a woman over to meet the parents before we went out was a big deal. The last girl had been his senior prom date.
Besides, I had a remote session with my shrink in ten minutes and I needed a shower. My shirt clung to me like a spider to a web. I felt gross, and oddly satisfied. I hated my job, but it was nice to accomplish something. Mainly because I was reliable. Most of the other housekeeping staff my age bailed. Dad and Luke were constantly hiring new people as the summer tourist season kicked in high gear. They relied on me, and it was a nice feeling.
Dr. Hale couldn’t care less what I looked like as long as I showed up for our sessions. Mom and Dad balked at an online shrink at first, but none of the doctors in Branson helped me. Skyping with someone out of state made me feel truly safe to speak my mind. I just didn’t trust anything I said around here to be held in complete confidence. It was crazy, I knew that. Dr. Hale made me feel less crazy when I told her that during our first session.
The dial-in sounded on my laptop, and I settled on my bed to answer.
“Miranda, how are you?” Dr. Hale asked. She was in her fifties, I guesstimated, or maybe a bit older. Her long brown hair hung around her long face, framing it perfectly. She wore wide round glasses that made her brown eyes larger than life. I always imagined if I met her in person she would tower over me.
“Doing good, I think,” I answered honestly. She smiled and I immediately felt like I could tell her anything. “I met someone.”
Her eyes widened and there was a sparkle there. “Oh? Tell me about him.”
“His name is Aiden.” My cheeks heated. I allowed myself to feel openly with Dr. Hale. There was no holding back. That was part of our agreement. “He’s actually my friend Lily’s older brother.”
“How does Lily feel about you dating her brother?” Dr. Hale prodded gently.
“It was her idea.” I grinned and rolled my shoulders, the tension easing slightly. “I don’t understand why though. Lily knows everything about me. Why would she think I’d be good enough for her brother?”
“Why do you think you’re not?”
My eyebrows slammed down. I knew this was coming. I’d been asking myself the same thing. The answer was simple. “Because I’m not.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” I hated when she made me say obvious things out loud.
“Your past doesn’t define you, Miranda.” She tapped the screen. “Have you discussed how you feel with Lily?”
“No.” It made sense to tell Lily I wasn’t good enough for Aiden. She knew everything about me, and she had to know how I … felt about myself. The last year had been hard enough without me adding pressure. “She should know.”
“Does she though?”
I ignored her question. “I told Aiden… pretty much everything.”
“Pretty much?” She cocked an eyebrow that rose over her thick frames.
“When I say pretty much, I mean the facts not the emotions.” I sighed and fell back against my pillows. “How do I tell someone how much I hated myself? How sometimes I still do? Especially someone who can’t possibly know what that feels like?”
“How do you know he doesn’t?”
“How could he?” I stared off into space, thinking how Aiden’s life was so different than mine. “I know it was tough on Lily, moving like they did. Maybe it was hard on him, too?” I turned back to the screen. “We’re still getting to know one another. I was open and honest about myself because I had to be. He’s been kind, and we’re learning. At what point do I need to hold things back? Or do I need to? I don’t know what I’m doing.” Panic rose my voice an octave. “I’ve never even dated a guy before. What if I screw it up by being too honest?”
“Calm down, and take a deep breath,” Dr. Hale said, holding up her hand. “Inhale, exhale. That’s right. Keep doing that. Count to twenty.”
I followed her directions, and the panic eased.
“Now,” she began, “everyone has to start somewhere in a new relationship. Don’t rush things with him. He knows your past, but he’s still learning who you are. You aren’t—
“Defined by your past,” I said with her.
“Good. It seems like we’re still making progress.” She paused and her lips thinned. “You’ve been through a lot, Miranda. It takes time to heal. Your body has physically healed from your trauma, but you will always have a battle with your emotionally health. It will never go away, but you must learn to accept it.”
I nodded. “Acceptance is the key.”
“Yes and understanding.” She smiled and a buzzer sounded in her office. “I’m afraid our time is up. Talk next month?”
“Of course.”
“And email me if you need me. Text me if it’s an emergency. You know I’m always here.” Dr. Hale waved and ended our session.
I closed the lid on my laptop and stared at the ceiling. My past wasn’t something I could hide from. It wasn’t something I could escape either. It just was.
It was time to make myself a different future.
Chapter Fourteen
I stared at myself in the mirror. It had been a while since I changed my look, and it wasn’t necessarily something I normally did on my own. Mom loved taking me to the salon with her. It was just something we always did together. But I needed something bold, something different. I dug around in the linen closet and found just what I needed. After I mixed the color and allowed it to set, I jumped in the shower to clean up and rinse the color out.
Dr. Hale’s words filled my thoughts, along with Lily and Aiden. He was taking a risk with me. I knew it and he knew it. And I was taking a huge risk with my friendship. It was hard to not think about them as I finished showering and blew dried my hair.
Dating was weird. My relationship with Eddie, if I could even call it that, did not include movies or dinner or walks to the front door. Aiden was a gentleman, even when he was kissing me his hands never strayed from my face or my waist. He didn’t try to get to second base or third, and he definitely hadn’t tried to hit a home run. Granted, it was only a matter of time. That’s what guys did. They got our hopes up for happily ever afters, but once they got to the promised land, they started over.
Well, that was my experience at least.
My hair was now a dark copper, and I took a razor to the right side at a number two level. Luke used to always cut his hair at a two, so I knew what I was getting into. He’d broken his right wrist his junior year and didn’t trust Carly to cut his hair. He had trusted me. I flipped my hair over so that the shorter side stood out. It looked … well, amazing. I loved it instantly.
I lined my eyes with brown and kept my makeup light instead of the dark cat eyes I normally wore. It was a stark contrast to my hair. I pressed my lips together, the light mauve making my lips pop.
Change was good. It was needed, too.
I hurried to my room and put on an olive tank with white shorts and a brown leather belt. Instead of wearing black flats, I slid into a pair a rarely worn canvas shoes that matched the tank perfectly. Silver hoop earrings and matching bracelets rounded it out. I’d never felt so put together.
“Miranda, let’s go,” Dad yelled up the stairs.
I took a deep breath and added a tan kimono. It was hard not to run down the steps. Excitement churned in my stomach. I felt like a new person, but that normally meant other people would think I was freaking out or something. I wanted them to like this new me, though. Fear laced through my gut, and I slowed my sped.
Mom and Dad stood by the front door, waiting. Dad’s eyes widened when he saw me, and Mom spun around. Her expression said it all. First there was shock, then a huge smile, and she pressed her hands together as if I was going out on my first date or prom or something. Mom approved. I couldn’t breathe a sigh of relief though. Dad’s reaction was nonexistent.
Dad, on the other hand, just shook his head. “Let’s go. We’re going to be late.”
“You look great,” Mom whispered.
“Thanks,” I whispered back. It was hard to not ask my father what he thought, but by his expression, he hated it. My heart fell into my stomach and tossed around in the acid.
It took ten minutes to get to the restaurant. Mom chattered uncontrollably in the front seat. I checked my phone and debated about sending a pic to Aiden. Part of me wanted to, the other part wanted to surprise him. Then there was the tiny part that worried he would hate it and dump me.
Dad parked near the front of the lot of Bella Roma’s. I took a deep breath before I got out. Suddenly, the new look felt like a horrible idea. What if only Mom liked it? What was I thinking? Earth tones weren’t my thing. Black was my thing. It went well with my pasty skin.
And the clothes? What was wrong with me? I loved my t-shirts and shorts. This outfit was something my mom picked out. That’s why she was smiling. It was the clothes and not the new look.