Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  Oh, I’d considered more. A lot more. But I was prone to putting myself in situations where I constantly got hurt, and this one was equipped with flashing neon signs warning me away. I’d already danced with the devil kissing him. This could only lead to disaster.

  “Arden—”

  “Honestly. Tell me you felt nothing that night and I’ll leave. Tell me it was all alcohol-induced and you regret it. I swear I’ll walk away.”

  Our gazes remained glued for a long time before I blew out a shaky chuckle. “Shit!” I swiped a hand over my hair and shook my head. “This isn’t fair.”

  Arden’s lip curled on the right side, and I watched as a smile began to form. My stomach flipped, and I held my breath. For two weeks, his hidden smiles had teased my mind, and I wanted—no, needed—to see one. Sadly, the second it threatened full fruition, Arden ducked his head and stepped away.

  That wasn’t going to work this time.

  I clasped his delicate wrist and held him in place, tugging him back so he’d face me. Then, using my free hand, I tipped his chin so I could see his face again. Warm fingers glanced cool, pale skin. We were closer than ever, and his panting breaths ghosted the underside of my chin. It would take no effort to lean down and capture that mouth.

  Of course, any trace of his threatening smile was gone.

  “I’ll give you honesty, you give me that beautiful smile you’re hiding.”

  I couldn’t help myself. With my thumb, I ghosted his lower lip, shivering at the dampness and the way it protruded more with my touch.

  A flicker of unease crossed Arden’s face, and he swallowed with enough force, his Adam’s apple bobbed. He hesitated, and for a beat, I was certain he was going to bail on me altogether when he spoke, his voice small, threaded with tension.

  “It’s personal.”

  “Smiling?”

  He nodded but didn’t offer an explanation.

  I didn’t understand, but the growing apprehension and wariness on his face made me back off.

  “Honesty then. Kissing you was…” I slid my hand over his jaw and around to his nape. The feathery brush of his hair and the slight parting of his lips undid me. “It was incredible,” I whispered.

  “Then why are you walking away?”

  “Because one night with you would never be enough, and having it all would be an impossible dream.”

  “That’s really shitty logic. Maybe we want the same things, and maybe it’s not so impossible if we try.”

  “Even if we did, it could never work. Your family would never accept it. Us. Me.”

  “Fuck my family. You think I’m never gonna date because they don’t like my being gay? You think they can railroad me and prevent me from having a relationship? They need to get over it.”

  “I agree, but I’m not the man to help you make that statement.”

  His brows furled as I went back to touching that juicy bottom lip. My willpower was shrinking by the second. For a moment, Arden retreated inside his head to think, and I let him, taking that time to examine him, unmasked and vulnerable. The urge to kiss him was strong and continued to burn hotter the longer we stood together. It consumed me.

  Arden’s eyes came back into focus at the same instant I leaned in. His words were the only thing which prevented me from claiming his mouth.

  “Honesty for a smile, you said. How about honesty for honesty?” I waited as he bit into his lower lip, nodded once, and sighed. “I have paralysis on the left side of my face from the botulism. It won’t ever go away. It means I can’t smile on that side and it looks ridiculous when I try, so I’d rather no one see. Outside of my family, no one knows about it. I hate it and do all I can to hide it. But… now you know too. So, can you try for me, Iggy? I’d give my left nut to date you. Please. Try?”

  My gaze flicked to his left cheek when he explained. Paralysis? I had no idea.

  Surrendering to the ever-growing pull, I feathered a few gentle kisses over the affected area. How could I tell him no after he shared something so personal? I got the sense Arden didn’t give up pieces of himself that easily, so I saw it for what it was. A gift.

  My willpower vanished. I would never be able to fight this. Not with my heart surrendering all control with a simple glance from those expressive blue eyes. I was done for.

  Shit! I was setting myself up for disaster.

  Arden’s eyes slipped closed. The butterflies in my belly soared to a whole new level, and I claimed his mouth, kissing him like I had that night at the wedding only with a much clearer head. Our tongues sought one another. The gentle, velvet glide, the way Arden hummed and explored deeper, pressed his small frame to my much larger one all did me in. I was at his mercy. Gone with him already.

  Sunshine, lavender, and Arden.

  Phoenix was never going to forgive me at this rate.

  Breaking free far too soon, I rested my forehead to his. I considered for a long time, fighting my inner desires while staring at the obstacles that would surely block our path. No more denying it, I would try this. I wanted this. Arden was a bone-deep craving I might never satiate.

  “Okay. Come for dinner tomorrow night? I’ll cook something nice. We can talk more, and I can get to know twenty-year-old Arden.”

  His muscles went rigid, and when I pulled back, confused, an ocean of dread flooded his entire body. I’d done something wrong.

  “Arden?”

  He blinked a few times, clenched his fists and rattled his head, then, the chilling reaction was gone. Only a few beads of sweat that had erupted across his forehead remained. With a confident tilt of his head, holding his chin high, he said, “Dinner?”

  “Yeah. Like a date?”

  He nodded and dashed a glance around the parking lot, not meeting my eyes. “Okay. Perfect. Um… Your address?”

  I took my phone from my pocket, unlocked it, and handed it over. “Put your number in, I’ll text it to you.”

  His hands trembled as he worked. A steady crease in his brow drew my attention, and when he handed my phone back, his palms were sweaty. Tiny reactions he couldn’t curb. Ones that were out of sync with the rest of the façade he showed the world.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  He met my eyes with a firm resolve. His mask in place and unmoving.

  “I’m great. I can’t wait.”

  The corner of his mouth quirked mischievously, but he ducked his head in time to hide the coming smile. I wanted to break that bad habit and reassure him how gorgeous he was. I didn’t care if his smile was less than perfect, I wanted to see it more each time he hid.

  There was an awkward pause where we both danced shyly around one another before I tipped my head to the car. “Did you need a ride?”

  He considered before shaking his head. “Nah, it’s okay.”

  “Can you do me a favor?” I asked before we went our separate ways.

  “Yeah.”

  “Let me handle Phoenix. You taunting and teasing only pissed him off more.”

  “I poked the dragon, didn’t I?”

  “Ruthlessly, and probably on purpose if I were to guess. He’ll burn us both to a crisp.”

  He didn’t confirm or deny aggravating Phoenix, but I knew how siblings could be.

  “He’s all yours. Good luck.”

  I watched Arden wander away down the sidewalk. So much for a relaxing weekend of catching up on sleep. Groceries, soup kitchen, fundraiser, and now a date. Sunday. I’d sleep on Sunday.

  If I was making Arden dinner tomorrow after spending the day working at the fundraising event, that meant tonight was my best option for smoothing Phoenix’s rough edges. An encounter had the potential to turn ugly.

  I braced myself and pulled out my phone, hovered over his contact information for a beat before blowing out a breath and hitting the call button. It rang as I unlocked my car. It was after five, so I assumed he’d be heading home from work as well since he kept fairly standard nine to five hours.

  “Still not sure I want to ta
lk to you,” he snapped in lieu of a greeting.

  “Yeah, I get it, you’re pissed. I’m on my way home. Gonna swing by and get a case of beer then order a pizza. How about you come over and we talk about it like men. That means less yelling and more listening, yeah?”

  “Why? I’ve said my piece. You apologized. End of story. Give me some space to get less pissed at you, and we can forget it ever happened.”

  “Or you can come over and we can talk about it again because I think it’s important.”

  Silence swelled. I listened to the traffic on Phoenix’s end of the line for a few empty minutes before he finally spoke.

  “Why is this not sitting right with me? Why do we need to talk about it? Is there something more you haven’t told me? Fuck, Iggy, tell me there isn’t more. Tell me you didn’t fuck my brother.”

  “Beer and pizza. I’ll be home in about thirty minutes.”

  “Fuck’s sake. Fine. Let me go home and shower.”

  He clicked off before I could say goodbye. Yeah, Phoenix was not going to like this.

  My mom was not going to like this.

  Every McMillan outside Arden was not going to like this.

  Yet, I didn’t have the willpower to walk the other way. Something about Arden had hooked and dragged me under. All I could do was explore where it was going and guard my heart.

  I’d just gotten out of a shower when the doorbell rang. Sliding wet legs into my joggers, I raced down the hall while toweling the rest of me dry and snagged my wallet off the kitchen table. I assumed it was the pizza arriving early.

  It was Phoenix, and the scowl on his face told me he’d spent the last hour stewing and simmering over what I needed to say. Well, perhaps it wouldn’t be worse than wherever his imagination had taken him. I hadn’t fucked Arden… yet.

  “Hey. Pizza should be here soon. Beer’s in the fridge. Give me a sec, I just got out of the shower.”

  With a clipped nod, Phoenix kicked his shoes off and headed to the kitchen. I took a minute finding a T-shirt before joining him in front of the TV. He’d found a baseball game and made an exaggerated effort at looking engrossed despite the fact that I knew Phoenix wasn’t into baseball. When he made no move to acknowledge my presence, I relented and figured there was no time like the present to begin.

  “All right, listen. I’m gonna get right to the point.”

  Phoenix’s shoulders stiffened, and he tipped his head in my direction, waiting for me to go on.

  “Yes, I kissed your brother at your wedding. I admitted to it and said I was sorry. It probably wasn’t the best course of action. However, we were both feeling a little out of place and escaped outside for some fresh air. We talked all night, had too many drinks, and however it happened, we ended up—”

  “Kissing. Yeah, I heard. Can you get to the point, because the visual makes me nauseous—and not because you’re gay, but because you decided to make out with my little brother. Arden of all people.”

  “Right.” I blew out a breath and rubbed a hand over my shorn hair. “Okay. Getting to the point. So, anyhow, I invited him for dinner tomorrow night. A date. I know I said kissing him was a mistake, but the truth is, it was kinda nice. A lot nice. I enjoyed listening to him talk, and even though I know this is probably a bad idea, I admit, I want to see where it can go.”

  Instead of jumping up in a rage or yelling again like he had when he first found out, Phoenix groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “Iggy, have you lost your mind? Arden? Anyone but Arden.”

  “Why anyone but him? I mean, I know your parents hate me. I know my mom will crucify me for getting tangled up with a McMillan—"

  “Do you need more reasons?”

  “We talked for hours that night. He told me all about his schooling, his passion for design, his visions for his future. He listened to me yammer on as well about work, Mom, and Dad leaving. It was easy, and yeah, I kissed him. Maybe that doesn’t sit well with you, but I think you're hard on him. We clicked. He doesn’t seem that bad.”

  Phoenix chuckled but there was no humor behind it, and it came out with a dry edge. “He painted you a pretty little picture of himself, but trust me, you get involved with him, he’s gonna fuck with your head. Worse than Collin did. Everything is a game to Arden. He lies, he manipulates…” Phoenix growled and jumped off the couch, pacing until he squared himself with me. “He’s not the ten-year-old kid you once knew.”

  “Well, I should hope not, because otherwise, my thoughts would be very inappropriate.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Actually, I don’t. The Arden I talked to seemed guarded and maybe a little afraid of showing who he truly was to me, but not like he was out for his own agenda.”

  “Really? And how is it you ended up at my wedding again? And how is it you wound up talking to my brother after the wedding because I certainly didn’t give him your address or phone number. He is out for himself. No one can tell that kid no. Arden gets what he wants, or he takes what he wants, and right now, what he wants is you.

  “That kid has spent his entire life wrapping people around his fingers and working them to his whims. Since Ivory died, it’s been ten times worse. Except now, my parents—probably unknowingly—give him a huge crutch to lean on. Everything he does wrong is because Arden is struggling or Arden is trying to find his path again. We can’t blame Arden, he’s working through his grief. Fuck, Iggy, I was there the day my parents caught rumor of you coming out and tore into you. Arden strolled out of the closet a year ago with his fucking chin held high, armed with cockiness and a fucking depression diagnosis and instead of kicking him to the curb, my parents coddled him and set up prayer groups. Do you see what he’s doing?”

  I couldn’t hide my sad smile as I pictured little Arden McMillan taking on his parents wielding his sexuality in one hand and balls of steel in the other.

  “Honestly, whatever method he used, he managed to come out to your parents and keep them in his life. He lives at home, under their roof, for crying out loud. You call it manipulative, I call it smart fucking thinking. However he managed it.”

  Phoenix threw his hands up and dropped onto the couch.

  “I give up. You want to let him use you and abuse you, do not come crying at me when he breaks your heart. And he will. I’m just trying to protect you.”

  The doorbell rang, giving us both time to cool off. I paid the pizza guy and set us up with plates and napkins in the living room. After refreshing our beers, we both ate our first slice without conversation.

  “I’m not ignoring your warnings,” I finally said, tossing my crust back into the box and stealing a glance at Phoenix who silently seethed. “I know I have a bad reputation for letting people walk all over me. My relationship history is proof.”

  “And you have a bad reputation for falling in love way too easily.”

  “I’m aware. And I know I tend to turn a blind eye to warning signs, but maybe he isn’t as bad as you think. Siblings notoriously don’t get along. You and Arden are a perfect example. The way he is with you isn’t necessarily the way he is while in a relationship.”

  Phoenix picked at his pizza, peeling off a slice of pepperoni and popping it into his mouth. He took a minute to chew while the cogs in his head spun. “You said you guys are having dinner tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. I invited him over and thought I’d cook. I draw the line at hookups. I told him that. I thought we’d try a date and get to know each other better.”

  “Dinner?”

  “Yes.”

  Phoenix adopted a wry smile. “Okay. Can I prove to you he’s a liar before you go throwing your heart and soul on the line?”

  I’d known Phoenix for a long time. The fact that he continued so adamantly with this line of belief worried me a little. He and Arden had never gotten along, so it wasn’t impossible to believe it was simply his way of hating on his brother and not wanting his best friend involved. But, the more he stuck to his convictions, the more I doubted myse
lf.

  “Well?” he asked when I contemplated too long.

  “Okay. What? How are you going to prove he’s a liar?”

  “Arden has spent years controlling my parents with food. After Ivory died and his physical health improved, he was a mental basket case.”

  “Obviously. They were twins. I can’t even imagine.”

  “He was diagnosed with depression. Mom dragged him to all kinds of counselors and meetings trying to make him better. He wasn’t eating and slept all the time. Mom worried, as usual. Arden took this opportunity and ran with it. He’s been playing games ever since.”

  “What?” I snapped, unsure where Phoenix was going with his story but not impressed that he’d think a fourteen-year-old kid who’d nearly died and whose twin sister had died would even be capable of manipulation.

  “I’m serious. So the counselor said not eating and sleeping a lot were signs of depression, and it shouldn’t be concerning. They said it would work itself out in time. Mom was a wreck because Arden has always been this tiny, sickly kid. She didn’t want him back in the hospital. So she tried to force him to eat, but that only made him worse. Then he made these demands, said he’d only eat this or that and she’d fly off to the store and buy whatever it was. She’d cater to his every whim. Slowly, he seemed to move past the depression, but nothing else changed. He’d learned to bend people to his will.

  “After over a year of Arden making demands and manipulating my mother into buying only certain foods and making only certain meals, she grew tired of it. More and more, she made Arden sit with the family and insisted he ate what we were eating. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he took it to another degree. He pitched a fit at the table. Acted out. Pretended to have massive anxiety attacks, and when Dad got firm and forced him to eat, Arden spent the entire night making himself throw up just because he could. On and fucking on this went until Mom gave up and reverted back to her ‘give Arden what he wants’ phase.

  “Except, no, that wasn’t good enough anymore. Arden lost attention because everyone just did what he wanted and stopped making a fuss. So he became more demanding. Started telling Mom that those foods he’d told her to buy he could no longer eat. So the cycle began again. Mom catered again. Over and over. Finally, Mom drags him back to some counselor, saying he is going to make himself sick because he isn’t eating enough. In five minutes, that guy diagnosed him with anorexia, and boy oh boy, wasn’t that label just perfect for my whiny brother. Arden soaked that one up too and ran with it.”